by Sam Cheever
Distinguished Bumpkin
Sam Cheever
Electric Prose Publications
Copyright © 2021 by Sam Cheever
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
Contents
Stay in Touch
Author’s Note
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Don’t Miss Out
Also by Sam Cheever
About the Author
Praise for Sam Cheever
“You have that essential Je ne sais quoi that it takes to tell a story so mesmerizing you cannot stop reading once started. You are not telling stories to your readers…you are taking them with you on your adventures so that the experience can be shared by all as it happens and not simply replayed like a memory on the page of a diary! You are indeed gifted and it is my pleasure to read your books!”
Valerie Irwin
Deer Hollow’s new mayor has a past. He portrays himself as a distinguished member of the community. But Joey isn’t buying what he’s selling. It might have something to do with the dead body draped over his breakfast table.
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Lord Acton once said, “Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.”
I wouldn’t know. I have no power.
My name is Joey and I’m an unabashed bumpkin. I live in a quaint and quirky country town named Deer Hollow. We’re pretty simple and laid back in the Hollow. But that doesn’t mean the occasional murder can’t happen here. It’s just that when it does, it seems more surprising somehow.
Especially when a corpse turns up in the mayor’s kitchen.
(Psst! If you’re keeping track, he does have power.)
But don’t worry, we’re on it. By “we” I mean me, the Greek deity (my boyfriend Hal), and my sweet Pitbull Caphy. Yeah, I didn’t include my snooty Siamese cat, LaLee or our adorable pot-bellied pig Ethel Squeaks. Not because I love them any less. But let’s face it, the cat isn’t going to get her paws dirty delving into a messy murder, and the pig…well…she tends to hoard all the evidence in her little tent in my kitchen, so…
Stay in Touch
Sam doesn’t give away a lot of books. But she values her readers and, to show it, she’s gifting you a copy of a fun book just for signing up for her newsletter!
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Author’s Note
Hey Everybody!
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First of all, thanks so much for reading my books. You’re the reason I keep writing, and I’m grateful every single day for your support and interest in my work.
Secondly, I wanted to let you know that if you’re working your way through the series, you might notice I talk about a mystery in this book that you don’t recognize. Purrloined Bumpkin is part of a multi-author cozy mystery anthology entitled, For Pet’s Sake, featuring adorable pet characters in each book.
My story is a short novel that is completely standalone, which means you don’t have to have read it to enjoy the rest of the series. But you should definitely grab the anthology because Purrloined Bumpkin is a ton of fun, and the anthology is chock full of great stories written by some wonderful cozy authors.
Here’s the blurb and an excerpt from Purrloined Bumpkin, my book in the anthology:
* * *
LaLee is a typical cat. She’s snooty, hostile, and opinionated. She’s also been kittynapped. Heaven help the idiots who thought that was a good idea. The good news is that they’ll probably be so sick of her antics by the time we find them that they’ll be happy to give her back!
My name is Joey Fulle and my superpower is solving mysteries with my handsome PI boyfriend. We also get a little help from my sweet Pitbull Caphy and her sisters in crime, LaLee the Siamese cat and Ethel Squeaks the miniature potbelly pig. Fortunately, we’ve been in a mystery dry spell for a few weeks and I’ll admit, I’ve been a little bored. A condition I immediately regretted when LaLee was kittynapped. Now my posse and I need to discover why they took the crotchety cat, figure out how to save her, and then solve a murder.
Just another day in Bumpkinville!
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Grab your copy of For Pet’s Sake here: My Book
* * *
Happy Sleuthing!
1
I stood in the shade of an enormous ash tree and sipped a fruity drink my PI had handed me before disappearing into the crowd. In the distance, I could easily see his midnight black head above all the others and wondered who he was talking to.
He’d tried to get me to work the crowd with him, but I’ll admit, I still had a bad taste in my mouth for the new mayor.
I didn’t like it when people did despicable things and got away with it. In Mayor Robb’s case, he’d managed to blame his wife for his own crimes, which had been easy to do since she’d done some pretty despicable things too. Because of her, a kind young woman had died. And I’d been drawn into the murder through a strange composite of events and happenstance.
I did blame the mayor for what his wife had done. That might seem unfair on the surface. But his actions had inspired hers, and lots of people, and one cranky Siamese cat, had suffered for it.
“Joey?”
I turned to find a pretty blonde woman heading my way, a smile on her face. Cecily Addams reached a hand toward me as she approached and pulled me into a hug. “I’m so glad to see a friendly face.”
“Hey, Cecily. It’s nice to see you again.” I knew how she felt. I didn’t know most of the people at the garden party. I assumed most of them were donors from Indianapolis and the surrounding area. Mayor Robb might have only been the mayor of a small town in bumpkinville, but he had friends in influential places and was just about as ambitious as they came.
“Where’s that gorgeous boyfriend of yours?”
“He’s schmoozing.” I nodded toward Hal, who’d moved farther away and was talking to Sheriff Mulhern at the edge of the party. The sheriff was one of the reasons we were there. Hal depended on the Deer Hollow sheriff’s department for business so he could justify spending half his time with me in the Hollow.
He and his brother Cal Amity had a PI business based in Indianapolis. But Hal had started a bumpkin office, picking up business not only from Deer Hollow but all the surrounding towns too.
Cecily groaned. “I should be chatting up the donors myself. I just can’t seem to find the energy.”
“I don’t know how you do it,” I commiserated. “After everything that’s happened…” I didn’t need to elaborate. Cecily had lost a dear friend as a result of the Robbs’ dirty dealings.
She grimaced. “I’m doing the least I can get away with. Benson and I have something in the works. As soon as we get to the point where I can leave, I’m gone.”
Benson Dexter was Cecily’s boyfriend and also just happened to have been the mayor’s biggest competition in his run for office. “Oh?” I gave her my best small-town gossip look. “Do tell.”
She laughed. “You’ll be one of the first to know when we’re ready.”
I squeezed her arm. “Does this mean you two are sticking around?”
Cecily slid a contemplative look around the party, her expression serious. “When Martin Robb told me he was running for office down here and wanted my help, my first thought was to decline. I’ve never lived in a rural area. I thought I’d hate it. But I’ve found it strangely…” She seemed to be foraging for the right word.
“Refreshing?”
Her lips curved in a genuine smile. “That’s a perfect word for it. Benson has gone through the same metamorphosis. Despite the trouble with Robb, he’s fallen in love with this area.”
“How’s he doing? I haven’t seen him since he was exonerated.”
“He’s good. He’s been working hard on that new enterprise I told you about. We both have.”
“Good. Caphy loves him, and that definitely means something in my book.”
She laughed. “Well, your sweet girl inspired him too. I’m happy to say we’re now the proud parents of two sweet and beautiful rescue pups.”
I squealed happily and pulled her into a hug. “Congratulations, fur mama.”
She laughed. “It is a lot like being a mom, isn’t it?”
“It is. Except they can’t really talk back.” I frowned as soon as I said the words, thinking of all the ways my three furbabies did just that. I sighed. “I take that back. They do that too.”
Cecily laughed. “I’d love for you to meet them. Maybe, when things calm down a bit, we can have you and Hal over for dinner.”
“We’d love that.”
Another squeal brought my head whipping around. All heads turned to take in my bestie Lis as she hurried toward me, her handsome boyfriend in tow.
Deputy Arno Willager, Deer Hollow’s favorite villager, as Lis liked to call him, looked about as thrilled to be at the garden party as we were.
Lis wrapped her slender arms around me in a hug. “Hey, you! I’m so happy to see you here. I thought I was going to have to navigate this nightmare all by myself.”
“I’m standing right here,” Arno objected with one brow peaked.
Lis laughed. “You don’t count. You’re going to have to schmooze with your horrible boss the whole time.”
Arno lowered his voice as heads turned our way. “Ix-nay on the orrible-hay.”
We laughed.
“Oh. Have you two met Cecily?” I asked.
They exchanged polite greetings and handshakes.
“She’s Mayor Robb’s assistant…”
“Speaking of horrible bosses,” Cecily murmured.
Lis barked out a laugh. “I’m going to like you,” she told my new friend.
“She’s hiding here with us,” I told Lis. “We’re starting a new club.”
Nodding, Cecily added, “Our superpower is snob avoidance.”
“We’ll hide in the shade and drink frou-frou drinks,” Lis said. “I love it.”
Arno cast a doleful glance toward Sheriff Mulhern, who’d ditched Hal and was networking with donors. “I want to be part of your club.”
I patted his muscular shoulder. “Sorry, you have to go hob nob with a snob.”
We giggled like idiots as Arno rolled his eyes. “Fine. I see how you are.” He gave Lis a quick kiss on the cheek. “I’ll be back soon. I’m only going to do the bare minimum in snobhobnobbing.”
We watched him head into the fray with heavy steps. He’d barely moved fifteen feet away before someone hailed him, and he was drawn into what was likely a painful conversation. For Arno, the event was more an opportunity for people to blame him for not stopping everything that went wrong within a hundred-mile radius of Deer Hollow. There was no way he could win at that game.
“This cabin is amazing,” Lis said.
Cecily nodded. “I took a quick tour before I came outside. It is stunning.”
“You haven’t seen it yet?” I asked Lis. “You were his realtor for the property, weren’t you?”
“I helped the Mayor buy the land, but I hadn’t seen the house.”
We all turned to look at the ridiculously oversized log cabin, which, if the rumors were correct, was over seven thousand square feet of pure opulence and pretentiousness.
“I’ve been dying to go inside,” I admitted.
Cecily took the drink from my hand and threw it on the ground. “Oh my,” she said as I barked out a laugh. “It looks like you need a new glass. Come with me. I know exactly where we can get you one inside the house.”
“What if we get caught?” Lis asked.
Cecily glanced pointedly toward the spot at the edge of the party, where Robb was speaking to a beautiful woman with silver-white hair. They had their heads together and looked like they were whispering sweet promises into each other's ears. “I don’t think he’s even going to notice we’re gone.”
2
We clung to the shadows at the front of the house, all but skulking from bush to bush like comic book villains in our attempt to stay unnoticed.
Cecily had assured us we wouldn’t get into trouble for snooping. Mayor Robb loved to show off his new home. But if our new vocation was to avoid talking to political types, being discovered sneaking into the house was a sure way to ruin our day.
Cecily led us to the side door, which she said would take us into a mudroom and down a hallway to the kitchen.
“Won’t there be catering staff in there?” Lis asked.
She nodded. “There might be. But the food prep staff is gone, and all that’s left are the serving staff. Most of them are hanging out around the bars and the buffet table on the patio. They only come inside to get ice and replenish the alcohol stores. I’ve been to parties with this group before, they don’t eat much, but they go through an incredible amount of alcohol.”
Lis laughed. “I can see why. I’d drink too much too if I had to socialize with that group.”
Cecily nodded. She pulled open a heavy oak door with a frosted glass panel in its center and ushered us inside ahead of her.
We stepped into a large mudroom, whose floors were wide planks of golden wood and whose walls held built-in shelves, nooks, and cabinets painted a glossy white. A work jacket and a black cap with the mayor’s office logo on it hung on hooks immediately inside the door. A pair of boots sat on a raised shelf below them.
When we stepped into the hall, we were met with the sweet, fresh smell of cedar, accompanied by the scents of the food Robb was serving to his guests. Despite my desire to dislike the man, I had to admit he’d done a great job with the house.
The walls were painted a creamy white, but the trim and high ceilings looked like raw cedar that appeared to be oiled rather than stained. Thick, off-white rugs made the walk down the long hallway feel luxurious.
There was a closed door along the way that Cecily told us was the laundry room. Ahead of us, at the end of the hall, was an enormous room with cedar walls and wide plank floors. The room was outfitted with comfortable yet masculine gray leather couches and contrasting chairs of creamy yellow leather.
Seeing the long wall of floor-to-ceiling built-in bookshelves, I longed to explore the space, but Cecily pointed to a wide opening on our right, and we turned into a kitchen that was nearly as big as the entire first floor of my house.
My first thought was that it was a professional kitchen. It was the kitchen of a man who intended to entertain often and not do the cooking himself. It had clearly been built to accommodate the type of crew that was catering the party outside.
My second thought was that I’d kill for the retro-style appliances, with their rounded, nostalgic lines and over-the-moon coolness factor.
My third thought was that the man who was draped over the small table in the cozy little nook built into the corner didn’t really go with the rest of the décor.
Especially since he seemed to be bleeding all over the gorgeous, white marble floor.
Shrill, panicked screaming pierced my thoughts and
the silence.
I looked from Cecily to Lis and frowned, realizing my two stoic companions weren’t the ones who were screaming. Cecily had lost a few shades of color. She was also bug-eyed, and she was breathing too fast. Lis’s beautiful face had a “not again” expression on it. She cast me a slightly accusing glance, and I fought the desire to defend myself.
The screaming gained in pitch, and all three of our gazes slid toward a young woman dressed in black slacks and a pristine white blouse, who’d apparently just emerged from the butler’s pantry at the side of the room.
The woman’s gaze slipped from me to the dead man, to Lis, back to the dead man, and then to Cecily, whom she appeared to recognize and seemed to immediately count as suspect due to her proximity to us. The server’s scream never abated through the entire two minutes it took for the rest of the party to join us.
When Cecily took a step in her direction, arm outstretched as if she wanted to offer sympathy, the young server’s fingers relaxed, and she dropped an entire case of amber liquid onto the floor. Glass and liquid flew everywhere, and the strong scent of whiskey filled the room.
The woman then turned and ran back into the pantry, slamming the door behind her. The screaming continued from the other side of the door, though thankfully slightly muffled.
