Lukas pulling away from me and our friendship has taken quite the toll, and now my body is showing the end results. And while my over-all health might be at its all-time high, my mental health has hit record-breaking lows. The truth is, I just don’t know how to live in a world without Lukas in it.
“Girl, look at you! You’re doing it – no pills or nothin’!” Melanie gushes, insanely happy for me. You would think that I’d be over the moon about it all, but for some strange reason, it makes me even sadder.
But then, suddenly, I begin to get mad. Who the hell does Lukas think he is, getting an attitude, just because Jake wants to spend more time with me? So what if he doesn’t wanna hang out anymore, that doesn’t mean that I’m gonna sit at home!
Anger takes the wheel, as I head over to my closet. I begin to shove all my clothes over to the left side, until I reveal just what I was looking for – the clothes I’d out-grown since high school.
I was a big girl, even back then, but not as heavy as just recently. I try on a pair of size eighteen jeans, versus a size twenty-four. As I watch in the mirror as the denim pauses at my hips for only a moment before not only fitting in the waist, but zipping and buttoning easily, my face lights up with excitement. Scrambling to find my favorite old shirt, the one with the cute owl on the front, I pull it on and beam with pride as it clings to my new/old curves just like it used to. Back in school, I thought I was such a fat-ass…but now, looking back at me at my largest, I realize that I looked pretty damn good – whether the boys ever thought I did or not.
Don’t get me wrong, there were guys who liked me, I knew they did. Their eyes lit up when they looked at me, and there was even a stolen kiss or two down at Miller’s pond when no one was looking.
But see, that’s just the thing – they liked me, but they would be damned if they’d let their friends know it. Nobody wanted to be the one who got tortured over liking the fat girl. So, it was those same boys who talked so sweetly to me in private, who threw rocks at me and called me Lard Ass in public. Trust me when I tell you, the rocks hurt the least.
As I stand there taking all this in, Mama and Melanie gushing over how good I look, I don’t even recognize the old Kassidy anymore. The girl who always cracks her own fat jokes before anyone else can. The girl who has been bullied all her life. The girl who was raped and beaten within an inch of her life – and who could do nothing to stop it.
I make a silent vow – never again will I allow myself to be a victim. My therapist is right. It is time to take action and become a stronger me – someone that no man can ever hurt again. And a little voice in the back of my mind whispers, this includes Lukas.
No more playing the fool, either…saving my heart for a man who obviously has never thought of me in any way other than a sister. I deserve so much better. Tonight, will mark the start of my journey…toward exactly what, I don’t know. But one thing is for certain: when my mind is made up about something, I don’t back down.
Chapter Fourteen
Lukas
As I’m coming out of the hardware store, there are people outside the movie theater, waiting for their tickets. Heading for my truck, I hear a familiar laugh, and it causes me to pause. That’s when I spot Jacob and Kassidy standing in line.
I’m stopped dead in my tracks – not because they’re together, obviously on a date, but because Kassidy…wow, Kassidy. She looks like a totally different person. Not that there was anything wrong with her before, mind you – I’ve always thought Kas was a beautiful girl. But this change was noticeably different. Her hair is down and all soft-looking, she has on makeup – in all my years of knowing Kassidy Kane, I have never seen her wear makeup, and she didn’t even need any.
For reasons I can’t explain, I find myself wondering what her hair smells like…what the heck is up with that? I can’t take my eyes off her. As cute as she was in her usual tomboy way, this sudden feminine touch is very appealing. Boy, you better get it together, I tell myself. She’s my best friend for cripe’s sake! What if what Jessica said is true after all?
Then, and only then did I notice that she’s lost some weight. Kassidy has always carried a little extra weight, but nothing like what she thinks she does. I’ve never paid it much mind, personally – she’s just always been Kassidy. She looks nice – happier, actually, but weight or none, she’s always been a doll, inside and out. Besides, these damn strange feelings have been going on way longer than that, so her losing weight has nothing to do with how I’m feeling, one way or another. No, it’s much more than that.
Once again, I’m growing pissed at Jacob, as he is obviously enjoying Kassidy’s new look, grinnin’ like a Cheshire cat. Need I remind him again that he’s only paying attention to her out of guilt about leaving her defenseless the night of her attack – because I will damn sure be glad to refresh his memory.
As I watch them enter the building, Jake’s hand on her waist, I can’t help but be taken aback by just how angry I’m feeling at the sight of the two of them together.
I climb into my truck and head on back to Sam’s, much in need of a cold beer and some advice from my wizened old friend.
“All of a sudden, she’s wearing makeup – makeup! Kassidy has never worn any of that crap in her life. She’s never needed to!” I say, trying to help Sam truly grasp the gravity of the situation, all the while trying to convince myself that this was a bad omen of things to come. “Why does she think she needs that mess to impress Jacob, anyway? Doesn’t she know she’s good enough without all that?
And she’s lost weight! What’s up with that, anyway? I mean, I know she’s been stressed out since the assault, and worried about Buck coming back for her…and there’s ol’ Jake, eating it all up – thinking he’s hit the jackpot! That sorry ass – he knows what he’s doing!” I rant, face red with anger and pure aggravation.
“Boy, you got it bad!” Sam says, followed by a big ol’ bellowing laugh.
“What the heck are you talkin bout, old man? Kassidy is my friend, nothing more,” I demand, trying to rationalize this sudden rush of emotion. “I’m just gettin’ fed up with Jake and his mind games…that girl deserves better, and I’m of a good mind to tell her about his motives, once and for all!” I said, running an angry hand through my hair. Sam and Jess have done gone and lost their minds, is all. In love with Kassidy, pffft – what kinda nonsense is that?
“Yeah, well, ‘old man’ I might be, but that just means I’ve been around enough to recognize a man with a bee in his beard over another man messin’ with his girl! ‘Just friends’ ya say…whatever helps ya sleep at night,” he says with a big ol belly laugh, shaking his head at me.
“What?” I ask, distracted by the memory of Jake’s hand on Kassidy’s waist.
“Boy, your wheel might be turning, but the hamster’s done died!” Sam gives me a look to let me know he’s not buying all my protests. Honestly, I’m not so sure about them, either.
Storming into the kitchen, I grab a beer out of the fridge, pop the top and chug it down, launching a huge belch in its wake. Not feeling much better, I grab another. I begin pacing back and forth across the kitchen, forming my plan for just how to tell Kassidy about Jacob’s ulterior motives without hurting her. Lord knows that hurting that girl is the last thing I wanna do, especially after all she’s been through.
“Boy, what in tarnation is wrong with you?” Sam says, this time with concern in his voice. “This ain’t like you – you got me worried, now.”
“It just ain’t right!” I shout, slamming my beer down on the counter, startling even myself with the voracity of my outburst. “She’s gonna fall – might even be falling right this minute, for a lie! How can Jacob call himself her friend and do this sort of thing? So, he feels guilty – does that mean he’s gotta lay it on so thick that he sweeps her off her feet – only to let her come crashing down when he dumps her for the next tight pair of jeans that wiggles past him?”
“Listen, Luke – I understand that you’re pissed about
all this…but are you so sure that Jacob hasn’t fallen for her, too? Maybe he’s being legit about wanting to spend time with Kassidy – I mean, why not? She seems like a pretty amazing girl, from what you’ve told me – and if she’s anything like her mama, then I’d say she’s quite the catch.” Sam gives me a look that says maybe I’m not giving Jake a fair chance. I’m still not buying it.
“Tell ya what – invite Miss Kassidy Kane over here for supper Saturday night, why dontcha? I’d really like to get to know this young lady better – maybe get a better perspective on this whole situation, what say?” giving me a wink…and I know exactly what that wink means – he’s fixin’ to do some digging. See, ol’ Sam used to be a detective on the Chicago Police force, before retiring and moving himself and his wife out here to North Carolina. He’d since lost his wife, but not his keen sense of sniffing out the truth…and I’m just willing to let him.
Chapter Fifteen
Kassidy
As I hang up the phone, Mama’s giving me a strange look.
“What?” I ask, trying to be nonchalant.
“Well? Who was that?” Mama asks, anxious. “You sure do look mighty happy about something.”
“Oh that. That was just Lukas. He wanted to let me know that him and his buddy Sam would like for me to come out to the cabin for supper Saturday night,” I explain, trying to hide my giddiness, because apparently Lukas is now staying at the Gentry cabin – not at Jessica’s place.
It’s been way too long since Lukas and I have hung out, and the tension between us at work has left me feeling nauseous, thus one of the reasons for my sudden weight loss.
But Mama was having none of that. “Just Lukas? Honey, I know you’ve been very unhappy about ya’ll not being close lately. This is wonderful news!” Mama beams with happiness on my behalf.
“Lukas is stayin’ with Sam Gentry, did you say? I know Mr. Gentry – he’s a very nice man,” Mama says, wiping her hands on her dish towel, a faraway look in her eye.
“Really? I didn’t realize ya’ll knew each other,” I said, surprised. Mama never did have any suitors come around when I was growing up. I wondered how they knew each other, and in what context, but I was too excited to ask any questions right now. I made a mental note to quiz Mama on this subject later.
Giving her a weak smile, I head up to my room to bask in my hopefulness in private. What’s changed? Why has Lukas suddenly started wanting to hang out again? More importantly, why was Lukas living at Sam’s place? Had he finally seen through Jessica’s shallow, selfish veneer? Had he angered her to the point of her kicking him out? What on earth could make a woman put a man like Lukas out on the street? It was unfathomable to me. My head was spinning with possibilities.
As I contemplate the situation, I pick up my phone and shoot Melanie a short but meaningful text:
Supper with Lukas and Sam Saturday night.
Instantly my phone begins to ring. Without even looking, I knew it was Melanie. I answer, my voice filled with amusement.
“Hey. Weird, huh?” I say simply, shaking my head in confusion.
“What is going on?” Melanie asks. “What brought this on all out of the blue?”
“Honestly, I have no idea. I also don’t have a clue on what to wear…shopping this afternoon?” Knowing full well I’m wanting to find something cute to wear to impress Lukas, Melanie quickly agrees.
A thought suddenly occurs to me, an afterthought, actually: What will Jacob think about me having supper with Lukas? I have no idea, but I guess I’ll be finding out, because one – I’m definitely keeping my supper date with Lukas. It’s been way too long, and I miss our friendship… and two – I’m not about to lie or keep secrets from Jacob…he’s been too kind to me for that.
Suddenly, the girl who never had a guy is having to juggle two of them – at least for one night. It’s a pretty sweet feeling, this being sought after.
“So, maybe Lukas is jealous over you and Jacob going out,” Melanie says, a sly grin crossing her face.
“I honestly doubt that…I mean, he’s been aware that we’re dating, but the looks he gives me at work are definitely not friendly,” I say with a shrug. It’s been such a relief since Lukas called this morning with the invite. My heart has been aching for several months, and it was a very nice change for that feeling to be absent for a while.
Holding up a pretty pink and white baby doll-style top, Melanie asks, “How about this?”
“Ugh,” I grimace, shaking my head. “I’m not small enough yet to pull something like that off. I don’t like how they fit so snugly underneath the bust-area,” I groan.
Thinking how nice it would be to be able to try on anything – or better yet, not have to try on anything, and have it fit like a dream and look like a million bucks…what a perfectly wonderful feeling that must be. As nice a shape as Melanie has, she chooses only the mousiest of clothing. If I were her size, I’d wear nothing but the hottest, latest fashion…then instantly feeling guilty thinking such things. Melanie is my best friend – it’s not her fault that she’s fashion-defunct.
“Hey Mel,” I say hesitantly. “Remember that conversation we were having a while back about my dad and the pills?”
“Kassidy baby, there’s a package for you!” Mama looks at me like I’ve done went and lost my mind, as I bound down the stairs and snatch the envelope from her hand.
“Yes!” I say under my breath, as I rush back upstairs to my room to rip open my treasure.
“You’re welcome!” I hear Mama say sarcastically, as she heads back to the kitchen to finish making dinner.
As I sit glancing over the enclosed reading material, I hit Melanie’s number on redial.
“Hey, they came!” I say breathlessly, before Mel can even say ‘hello.’
Melanie lets out a squeal. “Omigosh, are you excited?”
“Yeah – I mean, I dunno. Now that they’re finally here, I’m feelin a little nervous,” I tell her apprehensively.
“You’ll be fine!” my bestie says in her sweet Southern drawl. “Besides, didn’t your daddy tell you that they finally got FDA approval?”
“Eh, it’s still pending – but they’re closer. There are still just a few bugs they’ve got to work out, according to the clinical trial. But I mean, you’re right though – Daddy wouldn’t ever recommend anything that’d make his little girl sick,” I tell her optimistically.
I begin reading some of the rare side effects aloud. “Rash, hair loss – hair loss? Daddy sure better be right about these being extremely rare side effects that they have to include even if only one person experienced them,” I say, a suspicious note to my tone.
Moving on to the more common side effects, “Gas, bloating, irritability, changes in mood…nothing too shocking,” I say with a grin. “Especially if they give me the body that I’ve dreamed of!”
“Listen, Kas…you know what, never mind.” Melanie says quickly.
“No girl, what were you about to say?”
“Well,” she says reluctantly, “Ya know, there is that saying, ‘Careful what you ask for – you might just get it.’ That’s all I’m sayin.”
“Oh, I definitely hope that I get what I ask for…it would be a dream come true!” I say enthusiastically.
“Yeah, well – just don’t forget, some dreams are nightmares.”
After finding the perfect flowy peach-colored blouse and some new cosmetic products, I drop Melanie off at her place and head home.
Excited to see how the top will look with my new, curve-fitting jeans, I throw my purchases on my bed and get undressed. The silky sensation of the light fabric against my skin feels sensual, and I am for a brief moment thrust into fantasy-mode, where Jacob’s hands are caressing me...something that has not come to fruition yet - because, well, Jacob being the gentleman that he is and all.
I’m embarrassed to say that I am more than a little disappointed by the fact that he hasn’t made the subtlest of moves. I can’t even bring myself to discuss it with
Melanie, lest she think me a desperate heifer.
Looking at myself in the full-length mirror, I can’t help but smile at the progress I’ve already made. All of the time spent with Jacob has definitely kept my mind off of food, and it really shows. I cannot wait to see what a difference the weight-loss pills will make.
As I get dressed, a knock at the front door brings me out of my reverie, and I hear Mama talking to someone downstairs.
“Kassidy, honey you’ve got company!”
Expecting it to be Jake, I bound down the stairs, excited to see him.
I stop short near the bottom of the staircase, as I see a person I’d never expect to see in my home - Jessica Henderson.
“Kassidy,” Jessica says with her falsely sweet, Southern drawl, an incredibly fake smile upon her lips.
“Jessica, what a surprise. What brings you by so unexpectedly?” I ask with trepidation. Whatever it is, it cannot be good.
Getting right to the point, she says, “We need to talk.”
With an eyebrow raise, I say, “Let’s have a seat in the Great Room...can I get you something to drink?”
“Well I’m sure you don’t have anything diet,” Jessica says with a sneer, eyeing me up and down, “so I’ll just take a bottled water.”
As she seats herself, I go into the kitchen to grab two waters.
Mama is there, preparing lunch, and gives me a, ‘what on earth?’ look, as I flash her a, ‘I have no earthly idea,’ look in return.
As I return to the Great Room, handing Jessica her water, I dive right in - ready to get this extremely impromptu, and equally awkward visit over with.
“What brings you by, Jessica?”
“There’s something you should know about Jacob,” she says with the slightest hint of a smile. “You see, he’s not as devoted to you as you might wanna believe.”
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