by E. L. Todd
“You knew I was in love with you, but you still left. So, if I wasn’t enough for you to stay, why would a baby be enough?”
“Because a parent will sacrifice anything for their child. I would have sacrificed everything to be there for him. And I wish you’d told me, because I would have stayed, and we would be together right now.”
“Or you would have resented me,” I snapped. “You needed to go to Mars to figure out what you wanted. If you’d never gone, you would have always wondered, always blamed me. So, everything happened the way it was supposed to. He’s healthy and beautiful, and you’re alive to be in his life…if that’s what you want. You didn’t miss anything—”
“He’s almost two. I missed two years of his life.”
“But you still have the rest of your life, Neil. And do you have any idea how proud he’s going to be that his father is Neil fucking Crimson? The man who piloted the first mission to Mars? Who saved everyone?”
He shook his head slightly, like that meant nothing to him. “My father left us when he got on that rocket. I used to believe he died doing what he loved, that he wouldn’t change his fate. But once I was up there…I realized I was wrong. He would have preferred to live a boring normal life than constantly try to get away from us—”
“But you needed to go to see that, Neil.”
“And now you’re engaged to somebody else, so what the fuck does it matter?” He stepped back, like he needed a second to compose himself, to silence himself before he made another outburst.
I couldn’t ignore the pain in his voice, the way my relationship with Kyle made him snap, the way it killed him. It made me feel guilty when I shouldn’t.
He turned back to me, a little calmer than before. “What happened with Kyle?”
I narrowed my eyes in confusion.
“You never wanted him before, and then I leave…and you do. What happened?”
I crossed my arms over my chest, not wanting to tell the truth, that Kyle offered to raise my son…and then everything just happened. That would make Neil realize we didn’t just fall in love, that there was a physical reason we were together—because I was too scared to do this alone. “What does it matter? We’re together, Neil.” My ring was on my left hand, and he never looked at it.
“It does matter, Charlotte. Because I think you and I have a son together, and it makes a lot more sense for us to be together—”
“You left, Neil.” I lost my control, lost my calmness. “I loved you and you left. You told me you never wanted to settle down, that I deserved to be with someone who wanted what I wanted. Well, I found him. Kyle has been there for me since the beginning. He’s the only man in my life who’s been constant. He’s the only one who hasn’t left. I’m sick and tired of getting my heart demolished by men who don’t love me. You’ve broken my heart more times than Cameron ever did, and just because we have a baby together doesn’t mean I owe you anything. You left, Neil. You. Left. Me.” I ran my fingers through my hair, flustered, emotional, angry.
He was quiet, staring at me for a long time, his rapid breathing slowly decreasing. “Being afraid of getting hurt isn’t the right reason to marry someone, Charlotte.”
I lifted my gaze and looked at him. “That’s not the reason…”
“Then you love him?”
“Of course I do…” How could he even ask that?
“But are you in love with him?” he whispered. “Are you in love with him the way two people are supposed to be? Is your heart in constant pain because of the love that throbs in your chest? Is he the love of your life? Is he—”
“No.”
His eyes shifted back and forth between mine.
“But we have something better. Because I love him, and he loves me. We’re best friends, our relationship is easy. Instead of being in pain all the time, I’m happy. He’s never hurt me before, and he never will. I deserve to be happy, to have a man I can completely trust not to hurt me. I’ve earned that.”
He shook his head slightly. “I’m not going anywhere. I promised Vic I wouldn’t leave again. I won’t leave you again. I want all the things you want, and I can give them to you—”
“No.” I shook my head quickly. “Kyle was there for me. He stepped up and helped me do the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. He offered to be the father of your child. He’s been here, every single day, making all of this—”
“Because he’s in love with you. He’s not doing this out of the goodness of his heart, Charlotte. He had an endgame from the beginning, to make his move the second the opportunity presented itself.”
“Well, that’s what I want. I want a man who loves me that much.”
He clenched his jaw tightly.
“I don’t want a man to have to go to another fucking planet to figure out what he wants.”
“If you’d told me about our son, I would have stayed. That’s not fair, Charlotte. You didn’t give me the opportunity. I would have been there just the way Kyle has been, and it’s wrong that you didn’t tell me. Fucking wrong.”
“Well, I don’t regret it. You made it very clear what you wanted in life, and I made the best decision I could at the time. Either way, I lose. Because if I’d told you, you wouldn’t have gone to Mars, the crew might have died without you, and you would have had survivor’s guilt because of it. Or they would have survived and you would have felt like shit that you weren’t a part of it, that everything you’d worked so hard for slipped from your hands because you knocked someone up. You can’t make me feel guilty, because I never will.”
He looked away, like that speech deeply affected him.
“If you wanted to be with me, you should have known when you were with me. You shouldn’t have to leave to figure it out—”
“I did know before I left.” He turned back to me. “I knew I was in love with you before I got on that rocket.”
It was the first time he’d ever said anything like that to me, the first time he’d said he loved me, when I felt like I’d been saying it to him every single day since we’d met. “It doesn’t matter now, even if that is true.”
“It is true, Char. I sat in a bar with Vic and told him. Ask him yourself.”
“Then why didn’t he tell me that?”
“Because he knew it would probably just hurt, because he thought I was dead or you were with Kyle…but I wish he had.”
Everything probably would have been different if I’d known. I probably would have waited for Neil even though there was a chance he might not feel the same way when he returned.
“I want us to be together.” His tone changed, turning quiet. “Even more so now that we have a son together. I don’t expect us to jump right back in, but…I’d like to start somewhere. I’m here to stay, and not just because of the promise I made to Vic, but because I have a son now…because I have you. Give me a chance, and I can be everything you want. I’m not going to hurt you, Charlotte. I’m sorry about the way I handled things in the past, but I’m done with that.”
It was hard to believe that he said all of that, that this wasn’t some daydream. I’d fantasized about him telling me he loved me at least a hundred times. I’d never wanted anyone more than I wanted him. But his feelings didn’t matter because they didn’t override his actions. There was a chain of events that led to this moment, and they couldn’t be erased. “Kyle and I have formed a deep relationship over the last two years. He’s a good partner, father figure, and when he asked me to marry him, I said yes.”
“But you aren’t married, Charlotte. If you were, I wouldn’t try, but you’re still an option to me.”
I shook my head. “Even if he had an agenda, he was the one who was there for me. He’s my best friend, the person I call for everything. He’s the person who’s in my bed every night, making dinner with me while I take care of our baby. We’re already a family. I’m not going to turn my back on that.”
“You’re describing loyalty. Not love. And that’s not the right reason—�
��
“I’m not going to change my mind, Neil.”
He went quiet.
“We can argue about the way things unfolded all night, but it doesn’t change how we got here. I’m engaged to Kyle. We’re spending our lives together. You can be as involved as you want with your son, but you and I…never going to happen.” It hurt to turn him down so coldly, but I had to be firm. Otherwise, Neil would hope for more, would try to make something happen.
He looked away, like looking directly at me was too hard.
“And I don’t love you anymore…”
He took the insult with a heavy sigh before he turned to me. “You’ve made your decision clear, Charlotte. There’s no reason to lie.” He turned around and headed to the door.
I felt my eyes water because I knew it was a lie the second the words left my mouth. I said it to hurt him, to push him away, and it only made me realize how strong the connection between us still was. “You don’t want to meet him…?”
With the front door open, he stood there, the summer heat coming inside. “I do. But not like this.”
Twenty-One
Neil
Vic walked up the steps to my front patio then grabbed the beer sitting there. He twisted off the cap, took a drink, and then fell into the chair beside me. One leg rested on the opposite knee, and he relaxed into the cushion, like he didn’t expect me to say anything for a while.
I was still overwhelmed by all that information.
“So…? You doing alright?”
I stared at the label of my beer, which had started to peel because I’d just been holding it, not drinking it, and the condensation mixed with the humidity made it pop up on its own. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”
“Come on, man. It wasn’t my place to tell you.”
“I’m your brother.”
“So, what did you want me to do?” he snapped. “Send you a video and just blurt out you’ve got a kid?”
No, that would be terrible.
“Or tell you the second your plane landed? Neil, there was no good time. It’s an unprecedented situation.”
“Yeah…I understand.” I couldn’t blame anyone, not even Charlotte.
“And she didn’t tell me until after you were gone. If I’d known, I would have said something then, but I didn’t know. As a father myself, I would have made sure you knew what you were leaving behind.”
I nodded in gratitude.
“So, what’s going to happen now? Do you want to be involved—”
“How little do you think of me? Yes, I said I didn’t want a family at one point, but lots of men say that. Doesn’t mean I’ll abandon my kid and move on like nothing happened.”
“I didn’t mean it that way, man. So, then you do want to be involved.”
“Yes, I want to be a father to my son.” I drank my beer even though it was warm at this point.
“Then you and Charlotte are on good terms?”
I shook my head. “Not really. We got into it.”
“Yeah?”
“I told her I loved her…and wanted to be with her.”
Vic stared at me.
“She said she was going to marry Kyle.” I took another drink even though it tasted like piss.
“I’m sorry, man.”
“I know this is my fault. There are so many things I could have done differently. But she doesn’t even love Kyle, and that just makes it worse. She’s settling for the safe bet. She won’t take a risk…even though I’m not a risk.”
“I think it’s more than that, Neil. I’ve seen them together for years, and…she seems really happy.”
I looked away.
“I don’t want to hurt you, but I’ve got to be honest. She and Kyle have been happy for years. Maybe you’re right, maybe it’s not that passionate kind of love, but there’s definitely love there. And maybe that’s what she’s looking for.”
I shook my head. “She deserves more.”
He shrugged.
“And since we have a kid together, I think it makes sense for us to be together.”
“Lots of parents raise their kids separately. This isn’t the 1920s, man.”
I knew I was just making an excuse so I could have her.
“So, she said it wasn’t going to happen, then?”
“Yeah…”
“Well, you tried. You put yourself out there. You did what you could. Now, it’s time to move on.”
I didn’t want to move on. Just being in that house made me feel at home, like I’d never left. I wanted to take drives to the gas station, make dinner together, make love on the couch while Torpedo was outside.
“You’re literally the most desirable man in the country right now. You can have anyone you want. They could put you on the Bachelor and get millions of submissions. There’re so many sexy women in Texas. You’re young, so you could really take advantage of this opportunity to have a good time…”
It was every guy’s dream—but mine. If this had happened before I met Charlotte, I’d be excited about the hot ass coming my way. But now, that felt so empty. “Honestly, I’m not all that interested…”
His eyes fell, as if he hurt because I hurt.
“I want what you and Stacy have. I thought I had that with Charlotte. No, I did have that…and I fucked it up. I put my responsibility before my heart. And no one could fault me for that, but…now, I have to suffer the consequences. The idea of having that again with someone else…seems so unlikely. Charlotte is the woman I want, and I don’t want to give up on her.”
“I’m sorry, man.”
Me too.
“But as Charlotte’s friend, Kyle’s too, I feel like it would be wrong for you to try. You know, Kyle never intervened when you were together.”
“Because she was in love with me, but she’s not in love with him.”
He stared at the ground.
“But she told me we weren’t going to happen, so I’ll let it go.” I couldn’t control the way I felt about her, and I feared every woman I did date would have to live in her shadow, watch me love someone else in a way I would never love her. It would probably sabotage every relationship I would ever have. I could never cut Charlotte out of my life because of our son, so I was doomed to be on her hook forever.
“What did you think of Kingston?”
I turned to him.
“Cute, huh?”
“Kingston?”
His eyebrows rose. “Your son…? Have you not seen him?”
I shook my head. “The conversation was too heavy. I didn’t think it was the right time. But his name is Kingston?”
He nodded.
“Kingston Crimson…I like it.”
“Well, he technically has Kyle’s last name because they thought—”
“I’ll get that changed.” I was not letting my son have that asshole’s last name. He was my son, not his.
“I’m sure that won’t be a problem.” He pulled out his phone. “I’ve got a ton of pictures. You want to see?”
It was tempting. “No. I want to see him in person first.”
He put his phone back in his pocket. “Yeah, makes sense.”
“What’s he like?”
“He looks just like you.”
“He does?” I asked.
He nodded. “He’s smart. Smiles a lot. You know, a happy baby.”
“That’s great…”
“He’s perfect. You and Charlotte did a good job.”
I grinned. “Thanks. I just hope he doesn’t want to be an astronaut like me and his grandfather…”
“Well, after your trip to Mars, he’s gonna be living under that shadow forever. And he’s super smart so…”
“I hope he’s a lawyer or something.”
Vic laughed. “God, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”
“Come on, you love it.”
“Because I’m an asshole. It’s perfect for me.”
I chuckled.
“But I hope my sons aren’t asshole
s like me. I hope they do something else with their lives…something better.”
I still couldn’t believe I was a father. I had a son who was almost two. That meant he could walk, talk, like a little person. “Got any advice for me?”
“About?”
“Being a dad?”
He shook his head. “You’ll be fine, Neil. If you can navigate across the solar system and get your crew back home…I think raising a kid is gonna be pretty easy.”
I finished my beer and set it on the table. “Not so sure about that…”
When I’d had enough time to cool off, I called Charlotte.
She answered before voice mail picked up. “Hey…” There was so much uncertainty in her voice, like she didn’t know what kind of mood I would be in.
“I’d like to meet him, if you’re free.”
“Uh, sure. Tonight?”
“Yeah. You can bring him over…or I can come by.”
“I think it would be easier if you came here, because I have to pack all his things… It’s a hassle.”
“That’s fine. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
“Okay.”
“Is Kyle there?” I didn’t want to meet my son for the first time with him there. If they were engaged, I assumed he was there all the time. I really didn’t want to see his face, to know he got my girl.
“Uh…yes.”
“I want it just to be us.”
“Neil, Kyle is—”
“This is the first time I’m meeting my son. I don’t want him there.” It was reasonable.
“Alright. I understand.”
We hung up, and then I drove to her place. Only her SUV was in the driveway, so I assumed he was gone. I headed to the front door, my stomach in knots, my heart beating fast in excitement. I was scared to have a kid, but since he was already here, there was nothing to be scared about. I should only be excited.
She opened the door when I walked up. “Hey…”
It was hard to look at her face and not kiss her, not after what I’d been through. I’d seen the most amazing things, but nothing compared to her beautiful face. Those green eyes lit me on fire. The bow shape of her bottom lip got me every time. How would I move on to someone else when she was all I wanted? “Hey.”
