DEVEREAU
Some details about your personality. For example, what is your occupation?
KEITH
I’m a lifeguard down at Santa Monica.
DEVEREAU
And why did you choose that profession?
KEITH
Are you kidding?!? I get to swim and watch half-naked women…women in bathing suits sunbathe all day. I met Helen on the job. She invited me to eat at Da Vinci Ristorante. It was really good. I even wore a suit and tie. Helen and I had a good meal, a good time, and a good night. We haven’t left each other since.
DEVEREAU
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
DEVEREAU notices KEITH is focusing on the chessboard.
DEVEREAU (CONT.)
Ivory has the advantage.
KEITH
You sure about that? I don’t know. If you move this over to-
DEVEREAU
-could you please move a little closer. I can’t have you concentrating on a simple game when I need all your focus on me.
KEITH
Okay. Sorry.
KEITH leaves the chessboard.
DEVEREAU
So does it trouble you that Helen is much older than you?
KEITH
Listen, doc. I’m a pretty fine guy. I’ve been getting lucky since I was fourteen. I have no problems getting women. But... I’ve been with 9’s and 10’s all my life, and I’ve learned a lot from it. The biggest thing I’ve learned is the better they look, the stupider they are. I can’t talk to them. How long can one person go on and on about skin treatments? It’s crazy. Helen, now she’s mature. I feel like I’m with someone on the same level as me. You know?
DEVEREAU
I think I do. So you’re attracted to Helen for reasons other than her looks?
KEITH
Ahhh, I see what you’re doing. No, I’m not with Helen for money. I'm happy living on my own in a studio apartment eating ramen for the rest of my life so long as I have an ocean to swim in every day.
DEVEREAU
That's very minimalist of you.
Beat.
KEITH
Thanks. So are we going to do this or not? I don’t mind answering your questions, but Helen will get moody if we don’t do this soon.
DEVEREAU
I quite agree. Lie down.
KEITH lies down on the sofa.
KEITH
Can I use a pillow?
DEVEREAU
Please.
KEITH puts a pillow underneath HIS head.
DEVEREAU
Are you comfortable?
KEITH
Yup.
DEVEREAU puts the notepad to the side and prepares.
KEITH (CONT.)
Be careful when you get in my head. There’s a lot going on in there, and I don’t want you to get lost.
DEVEREAU
I’ll do my best. Close your eyes. Feel your body relaxing. Feel your legs relaxing. Feel your arms relaxing. Feel your head relaxing. Feel your whole body relaxing. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.
Slow fade to black.
SCENE III
Lights up.
On the table, chairs, and sofa lay books on astronomy and astrophysics along with empty plates and glasses.
HELEN enters dressed in very seductive clothes and is searching for KEITH.
HELEN
Damn.
JEANINE enters.
JEANINE
My, my! Looks like our own little observatory in here, doesn't it? Who knew Mr. Wilcox would breathe some intelligence back into this room?
HELEN looks through the books and tosses them about, annoyed and frustrated. JEANINE picks them up one by one, unseen by HELEN. KEITH walks in with a box under HIS arm; a box for a personal telescope.
KEITH
Hey, babe. Hey, Jeanine.
JEANINE
Hello, Mr.--
HELEN
Where have you been?
JEANINE tidies up the room as KEITH and HELEN speak...as best as she can.
KEITH
You know where I’ve been. You told me to keep all my astronomy stuff in this room.
HELEN
I mean where have you been for me? I’ve hardly seen you for a week. Tonight’s our special night. You have anything…special planned for me?
KEITH
Yeah!
HELEN
Good.
KEITH
I bought us a present.
HELEN
For us? That sounds exotic. What is it?
KEITH holds up the box.
JEANINE
They make lady toys that big these days?
KEITH
It's a telescope!
HELEN
A…telescope. A telescope?
KEITH
Yeah, so we can watch the stars together.
KEITH puts the box near the door.
KEITH (CONT.)
We’ll put that together later. We have to spend some time together.
HELEN
Yes. Thank you. Finally! So...where to? The bedroom? The hot tub?
KEITH
Here’s fine.
JEANINE
Don't mind me. (Whispered) No one else does.
HELEN
I don’t like this room…but…I guess its fine, but take town Richard’s portrait.
KEITH
Why do I need to do that?
HELEN
Keith, that’s a picture of my late husband. Can’t you figure that one out?
JEANINE
(Whispered) Like it's ever stopped you before?
KEITH
I don’t see how he’d be a problem while we look at star charts.
Beat.
HELEN
Star charts?
KEITH
Yeah. We need to pick out a star to look at.
HELEN
Why?
KEITH
Did you know that astronomy is the only field of science where normal, average people can still contribute?
HELEN
I didn’t know that.
KEITH
So what I figured is if we pick out a star together, we can watch it every night and report to NASA anything unusual we see. We’ll need a bigger telescope than this, but this is all I could afford. It’s a learning tool.
KEITH grabs a few star charts.
KEITH (CONT.)
You look at these…
HE hands them over to HELEN.
KEITH (CONT.)
…and I’ll look at these. It’ll be fun!
JEANINE
Thank you for making more work for me, Mr. Wilcox. I was afraid of running out soon.
KEITH and HELEN continue to unfold the charts until they practically cover most of the room.
HELEN
We’re going to look at all of these?
KEITH
Yeah. Hey, here’s a good one. I better mark it.
KEITH puts a post-it on the star.
HELEN
Didn’t you get enough of this at the museum?
KEITH
No way! The museum’s nice and all, and it was nicer with you there with me.
KEITH kisses HELEN.
KEITH (CONT.)
But Helen, astronomy isn’t something you read about and leave alone. You have to observe as you learn! That’s how it’s fun! Hey, there’s another.
KEITH puts a post-it on another star.
HELEN
Keith, let’s put this to the side for now. I’ve missed you. I’ve really, really, really missed you.
HELEN plays with KEITH’s ear.
HELEN (CONT.)
You can leave your studies alone for a little while, can’t you?
KEITH
I guess I can.
HELEN and KEITH fondle and kiss each other, eventually falling onto the star chart.
JEANINE
(to HERSELF) "Jeanine, could you p
lease come and help me?" Oh, someone in the other room needs my help. I'll go and take care of that immediately.
JEANINE exits.
JEANINE (OS)
My dear! It looks like they need help emptying another bottle of wine. Don't mind if I do.
HELEN
There’s my little beach bum. Come and take me on a bed of stars.
KEITH continues until finding a good star on the chart.
KEITH
There!
HELEN
Yes, right there!
KEITH jumps up and gets some paper to write down the information.
HELEN
Wha…wha…
KEITH
What? Oh, I found us a good star. I’ll check the coordinates and see if it’s in the sky right now or if we have to wait till winter.
KEITH opens a book.
HELEN
Do you have to do that right now?!?
KEITH
What’s the problem, babe? I’m doing this for us.
HELEN
You can do something for me right now!
KEITH
But isn’t this cool for you too? We can watch the heavens every night, but we don’t! Why not? I can’t believe I’ve ignored something this awesome for so long.
HELEN
Whatever.
HELEN gets up to leave.
KEITH
Wait, I want to share this with you.
HELEN
I'm not in the mood to share.
KEITH
Come on, Helen. Try. Do you know how stars are made?
HELEN
No. I don't.
KEITH
First, you start off with a cloud of gas. Then a shock wave from an exploding star or colliding galaxies throws the gas together and creates gravity.
HELEN gets the idea to start undressing KEITH as HE talks.
KEITH (CONT.)
When enough gas collects, it’s a proto-star. It takes fifteen million years to turn into a real star. Fifteen million years!
HELEN
Sure.
KEITH
The lightest gasses, like helium and hydrogen, comes together in the center, and the gravity makes it so hot that it creates nuclear fusion. Fusion! We can’t even make fusion yet.
HELEN
So interesting. Move your legs.
KEITH
What? Okay.
KEITH moves HIS legs for HELEN to take off his pants.
KEITH (CONT.)
This fusion stuff turns the helium and hydrogen into other stuff. Did you know that every element in our bodies was made in a star? Isn’t that incredible?!?
KEITH is mostly naked by now.
HELEN
Yes! It’s incredible! I’m glad you’re sharing all this information with me! Can you please spend a little more time on me now?
JEANINE enters with a glass of wine in hand, not noticing the undressed KEITH.
JEANINE
I didn't hear the usual shouting of satisfaction, and I worried that...
JEANINE notices.
JEANINE (CONT.)
Oh, good. Business as usual.
JEANINE continues to clean.
KEITH
I’m gonna set this up outside right now.
KEITH grabs the box and exits.
HELEN
Keith! Keith!
(OS) KEITH
Come out and help me! You’ll learn something!
Beat.
HELEN
Jeanine, get me Dr. Devereau's number now.
JEANINE
But I thought you wanted me to--
HELEN
Now, Jeanine!
JEANINE
Fine, yell at the top of your lungs. Doesn't mean I'll find it any faster does it? Now where did I put that address book?
Beat.
HELEN
Jeanine!
JEANINE
Oh, I just remembered where I put it last. I'll go get it. (Whispered) Let's just see how much yelling it takes me to remember the difference between 'white wash' and 'dry cleaning' on laundry day.
JEANINE exits. HELEN exits towards KEITH outside.
(OS) HELEN
Keith! Keith don’t put that thing on the diving board. You’re going to fall--
SFX: splashing water
Quick fade to black.
SCENE IV
Quick lights up.
The same astronomy books lie all over the room as KEITH and DEVEREAU enter. DEVEREAU places HER briefcase down by a chair.
KEITH
You see, doc, I had no idea how interesting all this stuff could be. Did you know that it takes eight minutes for the sun’s light to hit us? The sun could explode and we’d still think everything was okay until we blew up! Wear your SPF one million sunscreen if that ever happens, right?
DEVEREAU
Interesting.
KEITH
I know! And look here.
KEITH opens up a book to show to DEVEREAU.
KEITH (CONT.)
You know what this is?
DEVEREAU
Without reading the caption, no.
KEITH
The Andromeda galaxy. It’s the closest spiral galaxy to the Milky Way. And look here, know what this is?
DEVEREAU
I do not.
KEITH
It’s the Andromeda galaxy, but in infrared vision! We can take pictures of stuff in the galaxy just from its heat.
DEVEREAU
How much time have you been spending on studying astronomy since we last met?
HELEN enters.
HELEN
Non-stop.
DEVEREAU
Really?
KEITH
And that’s not all. We can take pictures from X-rays, gamma waves, ultraviolet rays, even radio waves! Wonder what those aliens been listening to, right? Maybe those cool rock stations.
HELEN
Keith.
KEITH
Oh! And I haven’t even started studying Mars’ meteorological--
HELEN
Keith!
KEITH
Yeah, babe?
HELEN
I bet Dr. Devereau would be fascinated by your sun-watching telescope we bought yesterday. Why don’t you go outside and set it up for her?
DEVEREAU
I would love to see what you’ve been working on lately.
KEITH
Sure! I’ll go out there right now. Give me a few minutes. I’ll find a good sunspot for you.
KEITH exits.
Beat.
HELEN
You did this.
DEVEREAU
I will admit that the session worked more efficiently than I expected.
HELEN
He won’t shut up about astronomy. He’s so interested in galaxies, infrared pictures, and pulsars that he doesn’t even see me anymore. I practically threw myself on him, but he didn’t even notice. This is not what I wanted.
JEANINE enters holding many books on astrology.
JEANINE
Mr. Wilcox, I have those books you asked for from the library, and I...Hello, Dr. Devereau. It's nice to have you visiting us again. Business or pleasure?
HELEN glares and JENINE.
JEANINE (CONT.)
Business, just as I guessed. Does the good doctor have an appetite for more of my cooking delights? Perhaps some asparagus dip or a--
DEVERAU
No thank you! Please, I'm fine.
JEANINE
As you wish. (Whispering) Seeing as how you're handing those out, I might put in a wish for Ms. Crabtree to learn the meaning of "a raise".
HELEN
(to JEANINE) It's Ms. Crandall-Crabtree!
JEANINE puts the library books up on an empty shelf and goes back to cleaning the room.
DEVEREAU
Helen, it’s not a matter of fixing him. I implanted the necessary desires for him
to become interested in astronomy, but not a fanatic. His subconscious has acted in that manner entirely of its own making.
HELEN
What? He was never like this before you came. You know what? I don’t want to argue about it. Fix him.
DEVEREAU
And how would I go about doing that?
HELEN
That’s your job, not mine.
JEANINE
(Whispering) I didn't know she had a job to begin with.
DEVEREAU
I mean, in what way do you want me to fix him? What specifically is your problem with him at this moment?
HELEN
Okay, here's my problem with him at this moment. Astronomy is interesting, but it doesn't replace all those other things Keith and I do alone together.
Beat.
DEVEREAU
Understood. Call him in here and I’ll treat him to another session. Don’t worry. I won’t charge you this time.
HELEN
Good, because I wasn’t offering to pay. (to outside) Keith!
The Boy Toy Page 3
