by Fannie Flagg
Your faithful scribe,
Dot
ON RUTHIE’S NEXT trip over to Birmingham, she and Evelyn went to the same restaurant where they had gone the first night they’d met, over a year before. After they ordered, Evelyn asked Ruthie how her dad was doing.
“Oh, the same, I guess. But he always asks about you. He’s so glad we are friends.”
“Me, too.” Suddenly Evelyn thought of something and called the waiter over. “Bring us a nice big bottle of champagne, will you?”
Ruthie said, “Champagne? Are we celebrating something?”
“You never know. We might be.”
When the waiter brought the champagne and began pouring it, Evelyn said, “Ruthie I have a proposal for you.”
“What?”
“You know that I was an only child.”
“You told me. So was I.”
“But for as long as I can remember, I always wished I had a sister.”
“So did I.”
“So…Ruthie Threadgoode, will you be my little sister? The one I never had?”
Tears suddenly welled up in Ruthie’s eyes.
“Yes, of course I will, and will you, Evelyn Couch, be my big sister?”
“I will.”
Evelyn picked up her glass and said, “Let’s make a toast. To my new little sister, Ruthie.”
Ruthie picked up hers and said, “To Evelyn, the best big sister I could ever have.”
The idea of getting a sister so late in life touched them so much they both starting crying. Then, embarrassed to be crying, they began laughing and crying at the same time.
Their waiter saw the tears and came over to the table, concerned that something was wrong, and said, “Pardon me, but are you ladies all right?”
Evelyn looked up and said, “Oh yes, we are just fine,” but as she was busy reassuring him nothing was wrong, she knocked over her glass and spilled what was left of her champagne in her lap. Then Evelyn and Ruthie both burst out laughing so loud that people all over the restaurant started staring at them.
Evelyn looked around and said, “Uh-oh. We’d better behave ourselves or they’re going to throw us out of here on our ear.”
Ruthie quickly put on a serious face and said, “Okay, Sis.” And then after a few seconds they both burst out laughing again.
The waiter, now back in the kitchen, looking out of the small round window into the dining room, said to the chef, “Oh, man, Mrs. Couch is sure tying one on tonight.”
The chef said, “Good. The drunker they are, the bigger the tip.”
The chef was right. That hundred-dollar bill Evelyn left was much appreciated.
WHISTLE STOP, ALABAMA
August 10, 1935
IT WAS THAT time of the year again when Reverend Scroggins would take all of his church workers over to Columbus, Georgia, to the big summer Baptist Bible camp for the entire weekend. Ruth had gone with the others to help serve food, and she’d taken Buddy with her. While they were away, Idgie decided to get Big George to bring the boat down to the river so they could go fishing for catfish. Ruth didn’t care much for catfish, but Idgie and Big George did.
Early the next morning, after they got the boat into the water, they headed out with their fishing tackle, a shotgun, and two bacon sandwiches apiece that Sipsey had made.
An hour later, Big George was slowly rowing the boat close to the bank of the river, hoping to catch another one of the big mud cats that liked to feed there. They already had six big ones in the bucket.
As they passed under the limb of a large tree, they suddenly heard a loud thump and felt a slight jolt. Something heavy had fallen off of the tree and into the boat. Idgie hadn’t seen what it was, but Big George had. In a very calm and low voice he said, “Miss Idgie, don’t move. Don’t you move a muscle,” as he slowly reached for the shotgun. Idgie looked down in time to see a huge water moccasin at her feet with its mouth wide open, getting ready to strike.
That very second, Big George pulled the trigger and blasted a large black hole in the bottom of the boat, taking the shattered hull and what was left of the snake down with it. As the boat began to sink, they both had to swim over to the bank and pull themselves out of the river.
Big George had destroyed the boat, but he had also saved her life. A bite from a cottonmouth was deadly poisonous and probably would have killed her faster than he could have gotten her to a hospital.
They were both sopping wet as they walked back to the car and Idgie said, “I didn’t like that old boat much anyway, did you?”
Big George laughed. “That’s good, because it’s on the bottom of the river now. Along with all them fish we caught, too.”
“Yeah, that’s right. But I’m just glad you’re a good shot. Anyone else might have shot my foot off.”
“I tried not to.”
“Whew…He was a big ole boy, wasn’t he?”
“That he was. Five to six pounds I’d reckon.”
* * *
—
MOST PEOPLE WOULD have panicked at the sight of a big snake like that so close to them, but, thankfully, Big George wasn’t afraid of snakes. Working outside in the backwoods, he had handled a lot of snakes in his day.
But then, Big George was kind of fearless when he had to be. He’d once jumped into a hog pen and saved a three-year-old child who had fallen in. And as everybody knew, hogs will attack and eat anything, and Big George still had the scars on his arms to prove it.
After they’d dried off with some old rags, Big George left in his truck to go back home, and Idgie got back into her car to follow him. But before she did she pulled out the bottle of whiskey she kept hidden under the seat and took a few swigs. Coming that close to being bitten by that snake today had really shaken her up. As she sat there, she started thinking about how unpredictable life is. One moment you’re alive, and the next one you could be dead.
She took another swig. Idgie had promised Ruth on the Bible that she would never go back down to the River Club. But, on the other hand, Ruth wouldn’t be back from Bible camp until tomorrow. And Idgie sure didn’t feel like going home right now. It was just up the road a bit. Maybe she would stop by for just one drink. What could one little drink hurt?
* * *
—
THE RIVER CLUB was a long wooden building with a string of blue lights strung around the porch. The minute you opened the door, you were greeted with the strong smell of whiskey and stale beer, and the sound of loud music and people laughing inside. Idgie loved it.
ATLANTA, GEORGIA
2015
RUTHIE WAS AT home reading the paper when the phone rang. Wondering who would be calling her so early in the morning, she picked up. It was her father, sounding extremely excited.
“Hey, Ruthie, guess what? I’ve got myself a cat.”
“What?”
“A cat! A big long-haired orange tabby. He’s sitting on the table staring at me right now.”
“A real cat?”
He laughed. “Yes, a real cat.”
“Who gave you a cat?”
“Nobody. I was walking around the grounds yesterday and he came strolling out of the woods, and followed me right up to my room. And when I opened the door he walked right in.”
“Well, Daddy, you know he must belong to somebody.”
“No. I checked. He doesn’t have a collar and he’s pretty beat up. So he’s definitely a stray. And the poor thing was starving. He ate almost an entire chicken last night. Isn’t that something?”
“Yes, but, Daddy, you know you can’t have a cat at Briarwood.”
“I know that. But just the same, I’ve got me a cat. Anyhow, honey, when you come out today, could you bring me some cat food, a kitty litter pan, and a bag of kitty litter?”
“But, Daddy, you can’t have
a cat.”
“He’s a very smart cat. I’m calling him Virgil. And by the feel of him, I’d say he’s a good eighteen pounder…probably has a lot of coon cat in him, so be sure to pick up a lot of food.”
* * *
—
RUTHIE HUNG UP, wondering how she was going to handle this. Her daddy couldn’t have a cat. First of all, he was way too old. The thing was sure to outlive him, and then what? Second of all, it was a rule. He knew very well that Briarwood didn’t allow animals. And thirdly and most important, he could trip over the thing in the middle of the night and kill himself or…The phone rang again. It was her father again.
“Hey, Ruthie, get me a brush, too. He’s needs a good brushing, okay?”
“Daddy, listen.”
“Bye, honey.”
Oh God. Now what was she going to do? If she didn’t buy the things he wanted, the cat would probably make a mess in his room. And, knowing him, if she didn’t, he would just talk someone else into getting them. She guessed maybe the thing to do was to just humor him for a day or two and hope nobody finds out. If he was really a stray, the cat would probably run away the first chance it got.
But her main problem now was how she was going to get a kitty litter pan and a bag of kitty litter up to his room without anybody noticing.
Luckily, after a quick visit to PetSmart, she managed to slip in the side door at Briarwood carrying the two large shopping bags without being seen. She knocked on her father’s door, and the moment he opened it, she hurried inside.
Bud was so glad to see her. “Oh, thank you, honey. I sure appreciate it.”
She looked around. “Where’s the cat?”
“He’s in the bedroom napping. Wanna see him?”
She followed him and peeked inside and saw something that resembled a very large orange meatloaf lying on the bed.
“Good Lord, Daddy, that thing is the size of a mountain lion.”
“I know, isn’t he something? And he’s the best old cat, Ruthie. All you have to do is pet him and he purrs like a kitten.” Bud walked over and picked him up. “Here, hold him. He won’t bite you.”
“No, thank you.”
As soon as Bud filled the plastic pan with kitty litter, Virgil jumped right in. He scratched around like crazy and did his cat business while Bud filled his new food dish and put it on the floor.
After Virgil finished everything in his dish and was cleaning his whiskers, Bud smiled. “Isn’t he pretty, Ruthie?”
“Yes, he’s very pretty. Now, Daddy, we need to talk about this.”
They walked into the living room and sat down, and Virgil followed. He jumped up in Bud’s lap and looked straight at her.
Bud said, “See how sweet he is, Ruthie?”
“I can see he’s very sweet, Daddy, but he can’t stay here. And if you really think he’s a stray, I can take him over to the animal shelter in Buckhead and I’m sure they can find him a very nice home.”
“He already has a nice home, and he knows it…don’t you, boy?”
Virgil looked up at Bud and blinked at him with love in his eyes.
Ruthie could see that this cat was not going to run away anytime soon.
“Besides, I can’t give him away. Don’t you remember, Ruthie, when I still had my practice, people would call me and say, ‘Hey, Doc, this cat or this dog just showed up at my door and won’t go away, what should I do?’ And I’d say, ‘Well, let them in. They picked you. Animals are much smarter than we know, so you must need an animal friend, but just don’t know it.’ ”
“But, Daddy, this is a retirement home. They have rules.”
“Virgil doesn’t care. I figure he’s around twelve or so in cat years, as old as me. So he’s ready to retire. Anyway, we had a long talk last night, and he said, ‘Bud, old man, I think it’s time you and me find ourselves another place to live.’ ”
“And what did you say?”
“I said, ‘Well, Virgil, I have to agree with you. We could use a lot more room.’ So I’m going to put in for a two-bedroom on the ground floor. Cats love to look out the window.”
“Daddy, are you trying to get thrown out of here?”
He looked surprised. “No. We just need a little more room, don’t we, boy? Oh, and one other thing. Virgil would like a scratching post and, later, when we get that extra room, one of those big cat towers.”
At that moment, Virgil jumped down and sauntered over to Ruthie and rubbed against her leg.
Bud was delighted. “Aw…look at that, Ruthie. He likes you.”
She sighed and reached down and petted him. “How big of a scratching post?”
“Oh, large to extra large should do it.”
As she drove away, she wondered how in the world she was going to sneak a scratching post past Mr. Merris. Poor Daddy. He clearly loved that cat. She should have just picked Virgil up and taken him to the humane society, but her daddy looked so happy. And he really was a sweet cat. Oh dear. This was probably not going to end well.
ATLANTA, GEORGIA
THE DAUGHTER WASN’T fooling anybody. Mr. Merris could clearly see on the security tape that it was a large cat scratching post she had stashed under her coat. He had suspected it. Several people had mentioned hearing a low meowing sound coming from the Threadgoode unit.
If Mr. Merris had not been so afraid of displeasing Martha Lee, he would have thrown Threadgoode out when he’d disappeared and caused such a public scene. And now this. This blatant nose-thumbing at the rules and the bylaws of Briarwood. “This will not stand. Rules are to be obeyed.” Under his management, Briarwood Manor was a tight ship, and Mr. Threadgoode was rocking the boat. “Steps must be taken.” He could not have the residents running amok. “Decorum must be maintained at all costs.”
And if Martha Lee Caldwell did call and complain about the eviction notice, he could always blame it on the health department.
RUTHIE KNEW THIS call would be coming, she just didn’t know when. But sure enough, when she answered her phone, it was Mr. Merris.
“Mrs. Caldwell, good morning. How are you this morning?”
“Why just fine, Mr. Merris. How are you?”
“Fine as well…thanks for asking. Uh, I’m calling because we seem to have a slight little problem.”
“Oh?” she said, and waited for the shoe to drop.
“As I’m sure you know, we have a ‘no animals allowed’ policy here at Briarwood.”
“Yes…I did know that.”
“I see. And were you aware that your father has a live cat in his apartment?”
Ruthie didn’t want to lie. She had been sneaking in food and kitty litter for over two weeks now, so she just said, “Umm…”
“Yes, well, anyway, he does, and unfortunately one of our cleaning ladies was unaware of that fact, as was I, and happened to open a drawer when it jumped out and attacked her. Rather severely.”
“Oh no.”
“So I’m sure you understand that although we hate to do it, under these circumstances, I’ve had to serve him an eviction notice.”
“My father?”
“Oh…no. The cat. Now, I can let you handle the removal or one of our staff members will be happy to pick it up and take it wherever your father sees fit.”
“Mr. Merris, let me talk to him first, and see what we can do.”
* * *
—
BUD WAS WAITING for her call and started talking as soon as he picked up. “First of all, Ruthie, what was she doing opening my underwear drawer? She had no business doing that. Virgil naturally thought she was a burglar. He was just protecting my underwear.”
“What was Virgil doing in your underwear drawer?”
“He sleeps there. It’s his daytime nap place.”
“Mr. Merris said the cat attacked her.”
“Oh, for God’s sake. I saw it. It was nothing. He barely broke the skin. The woman is just trying to make a big deal out of it.”
“Well, whatever, but Mr. Merris told me he’s sent an eviction notice. What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know yet.”
“Well, should I come and get the cat?”
“No….Oh, I don’t know. I’ll call you back.”
After she hung up she felt so bad. Poor Daddy, he seemed so upset. She guessed she could always bring Virgil home with her, but that might cause another big problem. Martha Lee was deathly allergic to animal hair, so she would never be able to come over to the house anymore.
The more Ruthie thought about it, the more she realized that might not be a bad idea.
THE NEXT AFTERNOON when they came back from lunch, all the residents at Briarwood Manor found a bulletin that had been shoved under their door.
ATTENTION ALL RESIDENTS
Please attend town hall meeting in auditorium
tonight at 8:00.
VERY IMPORTANT!!
Everyone was curious and wondered what it was about. That night after dinner, they all filed in to the auditorium and were surprised to see Bud Threadgoode up on the stage, sitting beside a small table. On the table was what looked to be an animal carrier. Some of the people seated up front saw that there was something orange inside, moving around.
Everyone was seated. Including Mr. Merris, who had been reached at home and informed about the impromptu meeting. Bud stood up.
“Good evening, ladies and gentleman. Thank you so much for coming. I’m sure you are wondering why I called this meeting tonight. It is to discuss the serious matter of Mr. Virgil vs. Briarwood Manor, Inc.”
He tapped on the carrier and said, “Mr. Virgil has chosen me to speak on his behalf, due to the fact that although he understands English, he does not speak it. So let me get straight to the point. Two days ago, Mr. Virgil was sent an eviction notice and was ordered to vacate the premises within three days. The notice cited an infraction of rule number 246 in the Briarwood Manor bylaws. An infraction that Mr. Virgil is vigorously protesting on the grounds that, number one, possession is nine-tenths of the law, and number two, that he is probably the quietest resident here, and also the cleanest. He does not smoke, drink, or entertain members of the opposite sex in his room, nor does he throw any wild parties. In fact, if anything, he believes his presence has improved Briarwood Manor by eliminating three large rodents from the premises, and he is willing to place what is left of said rats in evidence.” Bud held up a small sack and put it back down.
