She gave me a small smile, squeezing my hands. “This is all very new and overwhelming. Trying to do homework and raise a newborn, while being a wife and working a full-time job. My head is spinning just thinking about how I’m going to do it all.”
“Welcome to adulthood.”
“Yeah, it sucks.”
“Yes, it does. So, what are you having? A little Dr. Luke or a neurotic little Elle?”
“We don’t know yet. I’m only two months along. I think I’d like a girl. Luke would be such a great father to a little girl, protective as he is.”
“And I’m going to be an aunt.”
“Actually, I was thinking more like a godmother.”
“Seriously? You want me to be your baby’s mother?”
“Godmother. I’m going to be his or her mother.”
Maybe it was the few sips of alcohol I had, but I could feel my tear ducts beginning to water.
“Are you crying?”
“No. You are.” I wiped the beginnings of a tear from my eye. “It’s just the thought of one of us being a mom. I mean, I know that’s what people our age are doing. I guess, if I never have my own children, at least I’ll have yours.”
“Oh, God. Why are you smirking?”
“I’m going to teach little Elle Junior so much shit.”
“You and Monroe both.” She laughed, catching my eye. “Is that going to be okay? You being the godmother and Monroe being the godfather?”
I nodded. “It’s going to have to be.”
“How very adult of you.”
“Thanks. I’ve been working on it.”
“Speaking of Monroe, may I ask how your talk went? I know it’s none of my business, and if you don’t want to tell me, I completely understand.”
“No, it’s okay. He basically just told me that he’s still in love with me.”
“Of course, he is. He’s been an absolute wreck since breaking up with you. Determined to get his life in order … but still a wreck, nonetheless.” She paused, waiting for me to say something. When I didn’t, she asked the question I could tell had been on her mind from the beginning. “How do you feel about him?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. Half of me hates him. Half of me still loves him. And all of me hates the fact that I’m so conflicted. What’s even more confusing is that a part of me wanted to run back into his arms the second he told me how he felt. But then I thought about Phin and how I feel when I’m with him.”
“How do you feel?”
“Desired. Appreciated.”
“Loved?”
I sighed. “I don’t know. We haven’t gotten that far yet. Maybe. I know I have strong feelings for him.”
“Stronger than your feelings for Monroe?”
I exhaled, my thoughts fluctuating between Peter and Phineas. “Honestly, I don’t know, and that scares the hell out of me.”
Elle chuckled. “Two hot, intelligent, insanely thoughtful and sweet men want you, and that scares you? Oh, whatever shall you do?”
“I’m happy you find such amusement in my dilemma.” I kicked my shoes off and laid back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. “Yes, it does scare me, Elle. Because no matter what I do, someone is going to get hurt. And honestly, the thought of either Peter or Phineas getting hurt because of me and my actions tears me apart. Like you said, they’re both great.”
Elle wiped away the tear that was slowly sliding down the side of my face. “I’m supposed to be the emotional one.”
“How did you do it?”
She appeared confused at first, until it clicked inside of her head what I was talking about. “You mean between Eric and Luke? Well, it was kind of an easy decision to make when I came back home from visiting Luke in the hospital and found Eric in bed with his secretary.”
“You know your mind was made up long before then.”
Elle nodded. “Yes, it was. Honestly, a few days with Luke and I knew it was over with Eric. If I’m being honest, it was over with Eric long before I ever received the call from Candy after Luke’s accident. I just didn’t want to accept it. But in answer to your question, I guess I ultimately followed my heart. And that’s what you need to do.”
Elle’s advice was exactly what I would have given to her had our roles been reversed. It was good, sound advice. The safe advice any friend would impart. Except there was one problem. My heart was torn directly down the middle; one half belonging to Peter and the other half to Phineas. There was no following it. It was rooted, anchored by indecision and strife. Instead, my heart was waging an internal war, threatening to rip itself in half and leave me torn apart in the process.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
“Since when do you like coffee? Better yet, since when do you wear turtlenecks?”
Jo looked up from her phone, startled. Since receiving her text summoning me to the cozy little coffee shop a block from our apartment, I’d wondered what was up. This wasn’t like Jo at all, awkwardly asking me to accompany her to such a subdued locale. Curious, I searched her face to see what I could glean, whether her expression gave anything away. It didn’t. I took a seat at the high-top table Jo had selected.
“I don’t know. I’m expanding my horizons, I guess. Can’t a girl try new things?” When she spoke, I caught something different in her voice—a nervousness.
“So, you’re trying men, then?”
“What? God, no,” she scoffed, genuinely disgusted.
An animated person by nature, she made exaggerated hand gestures when answering my question, revealing a small heart tattoo on her wrist. I smiled. The sight of that tattoo confirmed what I had suspected the content of this meeting would be about.
“Are you going to tell me why you brought me here, or make me play twenty questions?”
“Can’t a roommate just ask her other roomie out for coffee?”
I stared at her, my eyebrow raised.
“Okay, okay, you’re right. Put your brow down. Madison and I have been seeing each other exclusively for a couple months.”
“No!” I held my hand over my heart, feigning shock. “I’m all verklempt. What a total shock.”
Jo sighed, annoyed. “You can be such a dick sometimes, you know that?”
“I must say, I’ve been called many things before, but a dick is a first.”
“And it won’t be the last.” Jo took a cautious sip from her coffee as though testing it to make sure it had sufficiently cooled down to a more tolerable temperature before taking a sizable gulp. “I know I haven’t exactly been discreet since Madison and I started seeing each other.”
“Discretion really has never been your thing,” I agreed.
“I appreciate transparency.”
“And I appreciate it when people wear pants when they walk around my apartment.”
“That was like a half-dozen times. Tops.”
“A half-dozen times too many.”
“Okay, so back to why we’re here,” Jo continued. “I’m— Christ, I’m not good at this. Look, I really care about Madison.”
“Wow, that’s saying something for you.”
“I know, right? It’s a weird feeling. But Maddie and I have been talking, and we feel like maybe we should take our relationship to the next level and move in with each other.”
“Oh.” This time, I was genuinely surprised. “As in she moves into our apartment?”
Jo chuckled. “No. More like I move into her apartment. She lives closer to my office. It would cut my commute in half.”
I nodded, trying to absorb everything I’d just heard. “I’m happy for you. Jo, that’s great.”
I was happy for her, truly. What I wasn’t looking forward to was finding, interviewing, living with, and getting to know a whole new roommate. It had taken Jo and I weeks to get comfortable with each other enough to finally get to know and then eventually become friends with each other.
“Really? You’re not upset that I’m moving out?”
“Why would I be upset? It�
�s not like I expected we would live together for the rest of our lives.”
“I know, but now you’re going to have to find a new roommate.”
“Which can be done in an hour online. It’s New York. People are always looking for places to stay.”
Jo relaxed her shoulders, visibly relieved. “I plan on staying the next two months like we agreed when I moved in, and after that, I’ll pack up. Just don’t rent my room out before then.”
“No promises.”
“Ha-ha. Who knows, maybe we’ll both be moving out in two months.”
“What do you mean?”
“Things are going well with you and Phineas, aren’t they? Play your cards right and you’ll be moving into his ultra-fancy digs in no time.”
“Yeah, maybe,” I answered her, my eyes wandering to the window and the pedestrians outside.
“What’s wrong. Are you two still a thing?”
“Y-Yeah. We are … a thing.”
“Okay. You know you can talk to me, right?”
“I know, Jo. Thank you.”
“How did she take the news?”
I looked over my shoulder to see Madison walking toward our table, wearing the same pink shirt she’d left at our apartment while she was holding Jo’s hoodie hostage.
“She took it so well your girlfriend is speechless,” I answered.
“I knew you would. Jo was so nervous to tell you. She’s intimidated by you, you know.” Madison took a seat next to Jo, squeezing her arm playfully.
“Madison,” Jo hissed, her face reddening.
“Intimidated? Really?” I laughed. “Damn, if I would have known you thought I was such a badass, I would have upped your rent months ago.”
“Don’t go getting a big head. I never said you were a badass, only that I respect you.”
“Same difference.”
“But it’s not.”
“I think Mena’s right,” Madison agreed with me.
Jo narrowed her eyes at Madison. “I liked it better when you weren’t at the table.”
“Seriously, I’m happy for you two. If someone would have told me six months ago that Jo would not only be in a committed relationship but also moving in with her significant other, I would have thought they were on something. You’ve made great strides, Jo. Madison must be something special.”
Jo and Madison shared a smile. “She’s okay,” Jo said, which was answered with a gentle punch in the arm by Madison in return.
Madison turned to me. “We have you to thank for this.”
“Nah, all I did was stick my nose in Jo’s personal life and gave her my two cents, almost destroying our friendship in the process.”
“And I’m so happy you did.”
I checked my phone, noticing it was later in the evening than I had originally thought.
“Listen, Jo, I’m sorry, but I have to get going. Phineas is waiting for me.”
“Oh, that’s right. You’re leaving for Virginia tomorrow for the wedding, right?”
“It’s for the pre-rehearsal rehearsal dinner, the rehearsal, and then the wedding. Scheduling conflicts have made Luke and Elle’s wedding a three-day event.”
Jo glanced over at Madison. “Don’t get any ideas.”
“Ugh, no way.” She scrunched her face up as though catching a whiff of something displeasing. “Marriage is an archaic ritual that I want no part of.”
“My God, you’re perfect,” Jo said, her shoulders relaxing even more than they had after I’d given her my blessing to move.
“And that’s my cue to leave. I’ll see you when I get back.” Noticing that neither Jo nor Madison were paying the least bit of attention to me, I patted the table, leaving when even that failed to tear their attention away from each other.
*****
Phineas gently stroked my arm with his fingertips, his touch sending a shiver down my spine. He chuckled softly as I shuddered in his arms, holding me tighter against his body.
“You know, usually I would be offended by a woman shuddering from my touch, but it’s kind of cute when you do it.”
“When did you turn from suave to super cheesy?”
He nuzzled my neck with his nose, making me squirm even more. His touch did a real number on my nerve endings. All my senses became inexplicably heightened just by being in his presence—or so it felt.
“Since about two months ago.”
“Hmm.”
“Just hmm? No scintillating retort? Are you ill?”
I rolled over on my back to face him. With the way he was positioned—on his side, head leaning on his elbow—we were essentially nose to nose. “Just a lot on my mind. A lot of stress with the wedding and the half-dozen phone calls I received from Elle today alone.”
“And I’m sure the fact that I have a client emergency preventing me from traveling with you isn’t really helping your stress level.”
“Nah, whether you arrive with me or the day after me, Elle will be Elle.”
“She is the bride, and it is her wedding.”
“Your logic never ceases to amaze me.”
“There’s my Mena.” His lips found mine in the dark, leaving a soft, all-too-brief kiss. “If all goes well, I should be flying into Roanoke Friday evening.”
Reaching up, I caressed his cheek. His stubble scratched the back of my hand like sandpaper. “Okay.”
“Are you sure you’re all right? The brevity in your responses lately has been unlike you.”
“I’m okay. I promise.”
“All right, if you say so.” His lips traveled up to my forehead, where they lingered longer than they had on my lips, perhaps waiting for me to expand upon my answer. Sensing that this exposition wasn’t going to be forthcoming, he rolled over. The warmth of his lips leaving my skin brought about an internal groan I was relieved he couldn’t hear.
“Goodnight, Mena.”
“Goodnight, Phin.”
I was thankful for the darkness. It hid the tears falling down my face well. The truth was I wasn’t okay, and it wouldn’t require an inordinate amount of perception for someone to see that. For the last month, all I could think about was my conversation-turned-fight with Peter, and his admission to me. No matter how hard I tried to push it away and live my life, that night kept coming back.
The pain and sincerity in his eyes.
The warmth of his body against mine when he hugged me at the funeral.
No, Mena. No.
I shook my head. This wasn’t fair. Not to me; certainly not to Phineas. In one night, Peter had wrecked the months of progress I’d made putting our relationship behind me.
I had done that, right? Put the relationship behind me? I thought I had.
But as I lay next to Phineas, thoughts of Peter flooded through my brain as swiftly as the tears cascaded down my cheeks, and I realized just how wrong I’d been.
*****
“Please tell me there were no shirts made for the pre-rehearsal rehearsal dinner or the rehearsal, itself.” I greeted Elle, Kirsten, and Violet outside of Geno’s, the Italian restaurant Elle and Luke selected to host their rehearsal dinner. One of Luke’s groomsmen, Salvatore, was expected back at the hospital immediately following the rehearsal tomorrow to finish his shift. To keep the wedding party together, a decision was made to have the rehearsal dinner the day before the rehearsal.
“Elle said no more shirts,” Violet lamented.
“Attack of Bridezilla, eh?” I nudged Elle, who shook her head.
“I can change my mind, you know. I’m sure Violet has the print shop on speed dial,” she replied.
“Why do I feel personally attacked here?” Violet asked.
“Well, do you, or don’t you?” Kirsten added.
“Maybe,” she muttered.
Not wasting anymore time, Elle opened the door to Geno’s. “Let’s get inside. Everyone’s waiting for us.”
“Everyone?” I asked, my stomach sinking.
“Yup.”
I purposely stayed be
hind the group as we walked into the Tuscan-style establishment, tastefully designed with a beamed ceiling and terracotta tile floor. Grape accents were displayed in the wall decor and etched into the furniture, adding to the overall ambiance. Quite expansive, it was much larger on the inside than it appeared on the outside, and I wondered as we walked past table after table, exactly where everyone was seated. My answer was found behind a set of French doors in the back, opened by Elle to reveal a private room.
“Mena!” Jackson ran up to me the second I entered the room.
“Hey, Jack.” I crouched down to his level, throwing my arms around him.
“I thought I told you not to call me that?”
“You did, but I have a tendency not to listen to people. Just ask your father.”
“That’s an understatement.” I glanced up in the direction of Peter’s voice, finding him seated at the table between Luke and another one of Luke’s groomsmen—Connor, I think was the name Elle had mentioned. The second I saw him, my heart sped up a few beats more. As prepared as I thought I would be to see him again, I was swiftly reminded that it was impossible to prepare for this situation.
Directly across from Connor, I caught a glimpse of red hair that could only belong to Amanda. Of course, she would be here. Her son was the ring bearer and it was only polite that she be invited.
“Jackson,” Amanda called to her son. “Come back to the table.” Our eyes locked briefly as he reluctantly let go of me to rejoin his mother.
I sat down next to Elle, thankful to be seated on the same side of the table as Peter and the other members of the wedding party. With the confusion that had overtaken my brain since Peter and I last saw each other, I didn’t want to be put in the position where I had to face him. He always knew when something was bothering me, no matter how hard I tried to hide it. This way, there was no way for him to see the conflict in my eyes, or for me to see the heartache in his.
Looking around the table, I recognized most of the people seated around me. Mark and Alex were positioned at the end of the table; next to them were Luke’s parents, Candy and Tom, and four people I didn’t recognize. A middle-aged man and woman, and a younger woman with a cute little girl with tight brunette curls seated on her lap. Violet seemed to know them well enough, and their conversations with each other led me to conclude that they were her parents, sister, and niece, which also made them Luke’s relatives.
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