by Kat Mizera
I’d kept my finger on the pulse of the industry between spending time at the studio and my continued communication with Jayson. We’d become good friends over the last couple of years, talking on the phone regularly, though I hadn’t seen him in ages. I’d tried to support him through band changes but he hadn’t found a good fit yet, no matter how hard he tried. He had another new guitarist now, one that he said was incredibly talented. He’d been asking me to come see them play for months and I realized it was time for me to dip my toes back in the industry. Dad had been encouraging me to make the move to production for a year but I’d been reluctant to do anything until I finished my degree. Now it appeared that I didn’t have any more excuses.
“It’s going to be fine,” Mom said to me as I packed the night before I left. “Marisol takes care of Luke most of the time and Sasha will be at Nick and Skye’s. There’s nothing to worry about. I want you to go have a good time.”
“I know.” I gave her a smile. Leaving the kids for the first time was hard but I needed time away. Sandor wasn’t thrilled with my impromptu trip, but I needed to do this for reasons I couldn’t quite explain, so everyone was going to have to get on board or get out of the way.
“Mom, why do you have to go to New York?” Sasha asked, sitting on the edge of my bed, her lower lip protruding slightly.
“Because Grandpa and I are interested in producing this band and they’re performing this weekend.”
“Why can’t I come?”
“Because you’re not old enough to get into nightclubs and that’s where they’re playing.”
“It’s not fair. When are we going to New York?”
“Next trip will be a girls’ trip to New York with me, you and Grandma. Okay? I promise.”
“Okay.” She gave me a hug and then bounded out of the room. She was eleven going on nineteen sometimes, with limitless energy and an infectious smile. She’d come a long way since Nick and I had adopted her and our divorce hadn’t impacted her in the least. She loved Skye and had adopted Aunt Kari and Uncle Ben as grandparents the same way she seemed to have adopted my parents and Nick’s.
“Have fun,” Mom said as she walked out of the room. “Get laid or something, will you?”
“Don’t hold your breath,” I called after her, laughing.
That night I gave Luke his bath, laughing as he splashed me over and over. I usually wound up as wet as him at bath time, but it was a fun, special time for us, something I’d always done. He’d gotten so big, and though I still thought of him as a baby, he was a toddler now, walking and talking and getting into everything. Not for the first time, I wondered what Erik would have thought of him. Would he have loved him the way I did? I knew the answer to that, of course, but I couldn’t help but speculate. I often imagined him here in the room with me, standing in the doorway laughing as Luke splashed me and armchair quarterbacking the process.
We would have been so happy, I thought sadly, gently rinsing the shampoo from Luke’s hair. He rubbed his fists over his eyes and blinked his bright green eyes at me. Though we always said he had blue eyes, it wasn’t true. He had his father’s emerald green ones, and sometimes when he looked at me it was like looking right at Erik. Aunt Kari saw it too and we’d both gotten teary-eyed the one time she’d mentioned it. After that, we never brought it up but it was always right here in front of me, the ultimate reminder of the man I still missed so much.
“Mommy, bedtime story?” Luke was asking as I wrapped him in a big, fluffy towel.
“Of course. Which one do you want me to read?”
“The pigeon and the hot dog.”
I laughed. The Pigeon Finds A Hot Dog! by Mo Willems was his very favorite story and we read it at least once a day, but usually more like three or four times. I read him other stories, of course, but ultimately, we always went back to that one.
“So Mommy’s going on a trip,” I told him as I closed the book and set it aside. “You’ll be a good boy for Grandma and Marisol, right?”
“I don’t want you to go.” He looked up at me with a frown.
“It’ll just be a few days and I’ll bring you a present.”
“What kind?”
“It’s a surprise.”
He giggled. “I like surprises.”
“Me too.” I kissed his forehead and nuzzled his soft blond hair. I loved this child more than life itself and didn’t know what I would have done had I not had him.
“I love you, baby boy.”
“I love you too, Mommy.” He wrapped his chubby arms around my neck and held on tight. I didn’t let go for a long time.
I didn’t sleep well that night, so I dozed for part of the flight the next day, read for a while and then sat impatiently as we descended. I was on a mission to surprise Jayson and his new band. They had a gig tomorrow night and had no idea I was coming. I’d spoken to him on the phone the other day and he’d told me their new guitar player was brilliant. He was a bit of a partier, and had an ego similar to Remi’s, but he played his ass off. I wanted to see it for myself, and since Jade was in New York too, I could kill multiple birds with one stone.
I checked into a suite at a hotel and Sandor and I ordered room service. We spent a lazy evening doing nothing, and he was a good sport the next day, following me around while I shopped and carrying my bags. That night, he watched TV and ate dinner while I got ready and I got the weirdest vibe from him. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, or why he’d been quiet today, but it occurred to me he might think this was some kind of booty call. We’d become close the last year, partially because we spent so much time together but also because we shared a grief that was sometimes palpable and no one else understood it the way we did. I could usually read his moods, but not tonight. I didn’t know what he was thinking and wasn’t sure I wanted to.
Regardless, I wasn’t going to let his foul mood or what anyone might think dictate what I wore, so I pulled on a black denim miniskirt, a tank top, strappy black heels, and my leather jacket. I kept my makeup light and left my hair falling naturally around my shoulders. This was me, Casey Hart the rock star. I wasn’t a groupie, and I wasn’t cheating on anyone since I was single, but even if I wasn’t, I wasn’t going to pretend to be someone I wasn’t because society expected me to behave a certain way.
“What’s wrong with you?” I asked him as we got into a taxi headed for Greenwich Village.
“Nothing.” He shrugged.
“Seriously?” I gave him a jab with my elbow. “Fucking talk to me.”
He met my gaze slowly. “This is where it started.”
“It? You mean Erik and me.”
He nodded.
“And you’re pissed because…I’m still alive?”
A look of surprise crossed his face and was quickly replaced by something I couldn’t quite recognize. Guilt? Regret? Something else?
“No, of course not. Seeing you and Luke makes me smile every single day.”
“Then? What is it?” I refused to put words in his mouth so he was either going to come clean or suck it up.
“I don’t know. I’m just in a bad mood. Don’t mind me.” He didn’t seem willing to say anything else and I refused to push it. Either we were friends or we weren’t. That wasn’t something you could force so I’d let him deal with whatever was going on himself.
We got out of the cab and I tipped the driver before walking to the front of the club. I had a fifty-fifty chance of being recognized, but I didn’t mind one way or the other. I’d been in hiding, so to speak, for a few years. I needed to breathe again and tonight was like taking my first real breath of air in a very long time.
I breezed in anonymously and got a beer from the bar before settling at a table. Jayson’s new band was called “Sound Advice” and they were slated for the midnight slot. It was barely eleven now, so I decided to wander to the back and see if I could find them. The last band had just finished and there was commotion in the back hallway as they tried to get their equipment out the side
door.
“Hey, you seen the guys from Sound Advice around yet?” I asked a passing musician.
“They’re in the dressing room.” One of the guys jerked his head in the direction of a closed door.
“Are you coming with me or hanging back?” I asked him.
He met my eyes. “I go where you go.”
“Fine.” I knocked on the door and waited.
“Calleigh, what the hell—” A guy I didn’t recognize stopped talking abruptly as he looked into my face. “Well, hi. What can I do for you?” His lazy grin might have been charming a few years ago, but tonight I brushed past him lazily.
“Not a whole lot,” I responded, looking around. I spotted Jayson, standing there without a shirt, and I grinned. “Now, there is someone who can help me.”
“Jesus Christ, are you a sight for sore eyes, or what?” Jayson broke into a grin and immediately pulled me into a hug.
“Surprise.” I grinned back.
“Hey, guys, this is Casey—”
“Hart.” The asshole who’d answered the door gave me an appraising look, not nearly as friendly now that he knew who I was, which entertained me a great deal. Other guitar players either loved me or hated me; there was never an in-between.
“That’s Russell Marks.” Jayson nodded his head. “You already know Roy and Tim.”
“Hi, guys.” I smiled at them and turned to Russell. “How’s it goin’?”
“Not too bad. You slummin’ for the night or is there a prince around here I don’t know about?”
Ouch. A year ago that would have hurt. Tonight, however, I didn’t give a fuck. I’d been through way too much to let a guy with a small dick and a big ego bother me. So I arched a brow at him. “Really? That’s what you got? Come on, you can sling better mud than that.”
I turned my back on him and looked at Jayson. “So, what’s on the playlist?”
“We have some new material, a bunch of covers.”
“Cool. I’m looking forward to it.”
“Do you really travel with a bodyguard?” Russell asked, eyeing Sandor.
“She sure does.” Sandor folded his arms across his chest.
“Whatever.” Russell rolled his eyes and motioned to the door. “We need to prep for the show. Can we have some privacy?”
“What the hell, man?” Jayson asked him. “Why are you being—”
“It’s fine.” I squeezed his arm. “I’ll see you after the show. Come on.” I motioned to Sandor and we left the room.
“What was up his ass?” Sandor asked me gruffly.
“Guitar player envy. I’ve done everything he wants to do—been in a successful band, written and played big hits, toured the world… He’s still a nobody.”
“Yeah, but you’ve been trying to help the band. Why wouldn’t he be grateful?”
“I don’t know. It’s pretty common, though.”
“Your musician friends we met that first night you went out with Erik—Tyler and Keegan?—they weren’t like that.”
“No. Tyler and Keegan are great guys and good friends. I need to call them.” I made a mental note to call Tyler tomorrow and see how things were going. We’d lost touch after my life went crazy so it had been a while but I was hoping at least one of them would be available for the upcoming project that had been percolating in the back of my mind.
Sound Advice played for nearly an hour, and I sat in the audience cheering. I felt like a proud parent and a big fan at the same time. I loved being with the band without being in the band, although I liked that too. However, my moment as a fan was short-lived when Jayson called me to the stage to do a cover of one of my own songs. I was reluctant at first, but as soon as I got up there, something clicked as it never had before. Russell wasn’t happy about giving up his guitar, but he had no choice in front of the thundering crowd, and once I had it in my hands, I was lost in the music. It had been far too long since I’d played live, and it was magical. The music, the crowd, and freakin’ Jayson. We had so much chemistry on stage it was as though we’d been in a band together for years. Roy and Tim found it easy to match my style and Jayson followed my performance like a pro.
For fifteen minutes I was eighteen again, playing with Nick, Jade and BJ for the first time, finding our rhythm and getting into a groove that sold millions of records. It had been a long time since I’d felt this way and I loved every second of it. When we finally moved off stage, I threw my arms around Jayson and hugged him tightly.
“Thank you,” I whispered. “I really enjoyed playing with you.”
“I did too.” He looked down into my eyes and something shifted, making me uncomfortable enough to take an inadvertent step back.
Shit. In another time and place he would’ve kissed me and I might have let him. Not tonight, though, and certainly not now. I still wasn’t ready for anything like that. Sex would probably be easy after how long it had been for me, but the emotions that went with it were too much to even think about.
“That was badass!” Tim high-fived me, and I was grateful for the reprieve.
The crowd was still cheering and yelling my name, but I moved into the dressing room with the guys, unwilling to be in the spotlight any more than necessary. I’d stayed out of the limelight for the most part since my wedding-day disaster, but I had no doubt someone had either recorded my performance tonight or had taken pictures and would put them on social media. That was okay, I hadn’t done anything wrong, but there would be speculation about me being in a new band, whether or not I was involved with someone in the band, and who knew what else. It never failed.
“That was great,” Sandor said in my ear. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you play live and I really enjoyed it.”
“Thank you.” I smiled at him. “Being on stage is my happy place.”
“You can tell.”
“Thanks for tonight,” I told Jayson. “We’re going to take off.”
He seemed disappointed but nodded. “How long are you in town?”
“A few days. I’ll be on Long Island visiting some friends tomorrow, but I’ll give you a call, maybe we can have a drink before I go.”
“That would be great.” He hugged me again, I said goodbye to the others, and we headed out.
“You and Jayson, there’s chemistry between you,” Sandor said quietly.
I glanced at him. “What does that mean?”
“It means you look like you’d make a good team.”
“Jesus, are you playing matchmaker?”
“I meant professionally, but that might be good for you as well.”
“Yeah, okay.”
“That’s why I was…grumpy earlier.”
“Why?”
“Because I figured you and Jayson would hook up.”
“You’re funny. Wrong, but funny.”
“You’re still human, Casey. No matter how much you miss him. And I have to keep that in mind too.”
“Here’s the thing… I do miss him. Every day. He’s still the last thing I think about before I fall asleep and the first thing when I open my eyes in the morning. But I know that’s not healthy, so I have to move on. It’s a process, though. I can’t just decide, okay, yeah, I’m ready, and go have sex with someone. Physically, I probably could. God knows, I need it, but emotionally, it would destroy me. So it’s not in the plans. Not yet.”
He nodded and we left it alone.
20
Erik
We made that trip over the border between Turkey and Limaj every three months, packing trucks of supplies and driving over dangerous mountain ranges and deserted dirt roads. It was grueling, dangerous, and the most fulfilling thing I’d done in my life. Knowing these supplies were getting to people who desperately needed them warmed me in ways nothing else had since I’d walked away from Casey.
We’d just finished a run and had dropped off supplies to a farmer in northern Raggert. It was after midnight, so if we kept driving, we’d be out of Limaj by four and back at the safe house b
y six, and we could finally relax for a few days. Ace had driven here so I was driving back and Liz sat in the passenger seat beside me, humming under her breath.
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you hum before,” I said, focused on the road as I navigated steep hills and sharp curves.
“Keeps me awake and sharp,” she said.
“I usually use caffeine for that,” I laughed.
“Well, sometimes it takes a combination of things.”
We were coming up on the border when something caught my eye on the side of the road.
“What is that?” I asked Liz, slowing down.
“Oh my god, it’s a person, a woman. Stop!”
I managed to pull the truck over on the left side of the road so I wouldn’t hit the woman, and Ace stuck his head out from the back.
“What’s going on?”
“Looks like there’s been an accident,” Liz said, hurrying over to a woman bleeding on the side of the road.
There was an overturned car and a lot of blood, which made me grimace as we approached. The woman was on her side, moaning and Liz knelt beside her.
“What happened? Can we help you?”
The woman murmured unintelligibly and I realized she probably didn’t speak English. I knelt beside Liz and put a gentle hand on the woman’s arm, talking to her in our language.
“What happened? Is there a hospital or doctor nearby?”
Her eyes widened and she looked at me slowly, carefully, and then crossed herself. “I am truly in heaven if the first face I see is that of my prince, our savior.”
“Tell me what happened,” I repeated gently, hoping to deflect her. I was shocked she’d recognized me, but I couldn’t confirm it no matter how much I wanted to.
