by Kat Mizera
“What was that about?” I asked her.
She got up and came to stand in front of me, her eyes filled with uncertainty. “I have to talk to you,” she said.
“Sure.”
“About the wedding.”
“Okay.” I turned and leaned back against the counter, taking a sip of coffee. “What’s up?”
“I feel…terrible.”
“About what?”
“You not being in it.”
“It’s okay. Really. I’m not upset.”
“I still feel bad. You’re one of my closest friends and it’s not fair that you’re not in it because the media would have a field day with it. I want you to be in the wedding.”
I arched a brow at her. “The wedding is in ten days. I think it’s too late, don’t you?”
She shook her head. “No. I had Alexa make you a dress, just in case you changed your mind. And now I’m here to change it for you.”
“Skye, it’s really okay. We don’t want to do anything that’s going to take the focus off of you, and the press will go nuts with this.”
“I don’t care. So much of our lives have been dictated by what happened to Erik, let’s not let anything else derail the things that give us pleasure. Like you being in my wedding.”
I smiled. “I want whatever is going to make your day wonderful. If it means that much to you that I’m in the wedding, no problem. I’m in.”
“Yay!” Skye gave me a hug and we both laughed.
“Good morning!” Marisol came in with Luke. “Someone’s ready for breakfast.”
“Oh, there’s my big boy, come see Auntie Skye.” Skye bent and scooped him up, hugging him tightly and nuzzling his tummy, making funny noises until they were both cracking up.
I watched them with a smile, glad so many people loved my baby boy. It might not make up for the love he would never get from his biological father, but he wouldn’t know the difference, and that was okay.
I was folding a load of laundry later that day when Liz’s name popped up on the screen of my phone. I hadn’t talked to her in a while and answered happily. “Hey, stranger.”
“Guess what?”
“What?”
“I’m here.”
“Where?”
“Vegas.”
“Really?”
“I have a bunch of stuff to tell you. I’m dying to see you.”
“Of course. Do you want to come here?”
“How about tomorrow? We’re kind of jet-lagged.”
“We?”
“Me and… Well, it’s a surprise. How about I come over around nine and we can have breakfast while I tell you all the news.”
“I’m intrigued.”
She laughed. “See you tomorrow.”
When she showed up the next morning in a limousine from the Charleston, I was stunned to see her carrying a baby. I met her at the door, gazing at the beautiful baby girl in shock.
“You have some explaining to do, girlfriend!”
“I know.” She laughed. “This is Leni. Short for Eleanor.”
“Well, hello, Leni.” I reached for the baby and she came to me without protest. “How old is she?”
“Before you do any math, she’s adopted,” Liz said, coming inside. “Thirteen months.”
“Did I know you were thinking about adopting?”
“Most likely not since I didn’t know until I found her.”
“You found her?”
“Liz! Oh my goodness…” Mom came into the room and her eyes rounded as soon as she saw Leni. “You’ve been holding out on us.”
Dad came in a minute later, following by Sasha, and soon there was a lot of talking, laughing, and explaining as she told us how it came to be. “It’s kind of complicated,” she said. “She was the daughter of a field agent killed in action. No family that anyone was aware of and they were talking about putting her in foster care. I couldn’t do it. So I asked if I could adopt her and then… Well, Scott and I worked some missions together and he said it would be better for her to have two parents and next thing I know, we’re married.”
“So you married a guy just because you adopted a baby?” I asked in confusion.
She wrinkled her nose. “Scott and I are good friends and when it comes to romance, we’re both kind of broken. We work too much and he’s in the field all the time, so we thought we’d give it a try. I know it’s unconventional, but so am I. Right now, it works for us.”
There was something odd in her eyes, like she was uncomfortable about something, and I figured there was more to the story but she wasn’t going to tell me anything else in front of my parents and Sasha, so I let it go for now. We’d have some alone time later and I’d try to get it out of her.
“As long as you’re happy,” Dad said. “I mean, you got yourself a beautiful little girl and, you know, sometimes love comes with time. If you’re friends with this guy, you work together, and now you’re going to be parenting this baby, things might go in a direction you’re not expecting.”
“They already did,” Liz laughed. “But you’re right. You never know what the future holds.”
That was true. I’d certainly never expected my life to take the turn it had taken and fate was still throwing me curve balls. I hoped like hell it would stop at some point, but for now, I was going along for the ride.
26
Erik
Liz sent me dozens of pictures of Casey and Luke while she was in Las Vegas and each one broke my heart a little more. Casey looked so different it ate at me, guilt flooding my veins like a morphine drip of despair. I hated myself for what I’d done to her and I hated Anwar even more. This was like an endless loop in my life: guilt and pain, regret and fury, despair and hope. I never knew which emotion was going to fuck with me and it was getting harder and harder to get up every day knowing that nothing was going to change, that this was my new normal.
The CIA had offered me a new identity and Liz was offering me a new lease on life. The trouble was accepting this as my destiny. How did you walk away from not just one, but the two things you wanted most in life? I’d been okay with never being king because it opened up an entire world of other possibilities, but now that Anwar was in the process of destroying my country and my people, I wasn’t okay anymore. I’d willingly walked away from Casey because it meant that she and our son would be safe, but she wasn’t happy and neither was I. Where did this leave me?
Bitter and frustrated.
“Who pissed in your cornflakes?” Ace asked me when he ventured into my office that afternoon. He was spending time in Monte Carlo right now, waiting for news from Limaj.
I grunted in response, not looking up from my computer.
“Being pissed at the world doesn’t solve anything,” he said.
My head snapped up in annoyance. “What the fuck do you know about that?”
“You think what I do comes without sacrifice?”
“I don’t discount anything you’ve had to sacrifice but that doesn’t make my burden any easier.”
“Let me tell you a story,” he said, leaning back in the chair across from my desk.
“I fucking hated high school, so when I graduated I joined the Marines. Just before I left, I went to Vegas to hang out and party since Aunt Tricia always let me have a few beers, have the run of the Charleston.” He paused, looking at me intently. “There was this girl. She was awesome. Beautiful, sexy, talented…”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” I muttered. “Please tell me you’re not going to talk about having sex with Casey.”
He chuckled, shaking his head. “No. I’m going to tell you about falling in love with her. About spending two of the best weeks of my life with her, taking her virginity and then fucking leaving her because I already knew I wasn’t going to have time for that kind of relationship, that my life was going in a totally different direction.”
“So, what? Now at least two of us broke her fucking heart—that makes it okay?”
“No,
asshole. Listen to me. I left her because I knew there was something better for her on the horizon. I loved her, but we were eighteen and sixteen. We both had dreams to follow and neither of us would be able to if we were pining for the other, so I let her go. And that’s what you did. Not the same circumstances, but think about it. When I left her, it meant she was available for you. By letting her go now, she has the chance to do something huge with her life. She’s going to be a big star. You know this, don’t you?”
He was pissing me the fuck off but I didn’t know why. “Yeah, I fucking know.”
“If she’d have married you, she wouldn’t become the star she’s destined to be because she would be busy loving you, raising your children, helping you take over the world. Which is what you’re destined to do. It may not be today or tomorrow or next week, but you were born to be a leader and that’s what you’re going to be. I don’t know how or when, but it’s in the cards for you. And being a superstar is in the cards for her. Maybe it hurts, maybe it feels wrong, but that’s your destiny. And hers. You can’t keep fighting it or it’s going to destroy you. Let go of the past and look your future right in the fucking face.”
I wanted to punch him in the fucking face but I got up and walked out of the room instead. I needed air, and to breathe, because everything he said made more sense than I wanted it to. I hated what he’d just said and I hated him for saying it. That didn’t make him wrong, though. It just made me feel like an asshole. I missed my family, my friends, Sandor. It went without saying that I missed Casey and the son I’d only met once.
How the fuck was I supposed to let go of all that? And who was he to tell me what to do? I started jogging and then broke into a full run. I had no idea where I was going, but that was nothing new these days. At least I was moving.
I was still in a piss-poor mood when Liz called me late that night. There was a nine-hour time difference so it was afternoon in Las Vegas and after midnight here.
“What’s wrong?” she asked. “You sound annoyed.”
“Don’t mind me. Ace and I had a heart-to-heart today and I didn’t like what he had to say.”
“You want to talk about it?”
“It’s nothing you don’t already know. Except he basically said that even though Casey and I can’t be together, the silver lining is that we’re both destined for great things without each other. Or some such bullshit.”
“Is it bullshit?” she asked softly.
“I don’t fucking know.”
“You’re angry. I’m sorry. I’ll call—”
“I’m not angry at you,” I interrupted. “I’m just angry at the world. But you’re my friend, my wife, and someone important to me. I don’t mean to take my bad mood out on you. Tell me what you’ve been up to.”
“Well, the usual, seeing friends and family, letting everyone fawn over Leni and yell at me for not having better pictures of my new husband.”
“If they only knew.” I chuckled. “How’s Casey doing? Like, how is she really, not just the front she puts on for the public.”
“She’s busy with this new project she’s working on… I heard a new song she wrote and holy shit, it’s amazing.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Why do you say it with a strange tone in your voice?”
“She wrote it about you. I mean, no one but me and maybe a handful of people would know that, but Jesus, it’s beautiful.”
“Shit.”
“No, really, it’s poignant and haunting and the kind of song that will stay with people. I think it’s going to be a hit.”
“She’s going to be a big star. We know that.”
“She’s working with a new singer and they’re putting a band together. She’s excited about it and it’s already looking like it’s going to be good for her.”
“I’m glad.”
“I’m sorry this is so hard for you.”
“It’s not your fault. Thanks for putting up with my moody ass.”
“It’s all good. You’ve been through a lot and I can’t even imagine what it’s like watching her suffer when you can’t do anything about it. But really, I see her starting to come out of the haze she’s been in. I think she’s ready to turn the corner on her grief.”
We talked for a while longer and when I hung up I stared at nothing for a while, trying to digest everything she’d told me.
Casey was doing better.
Casey was about to turn the corner on her grief.
Casey was moving on.
I was glad. I really was. The thought of her suffering was unbearable. But damn if the selfish fucking devil on my shoulder wasn’t reminding me what else that meant. If she was moving on, she was going to find another man. Of that I had no doubt. I didn’t blame her and would never hold it against her, but it hurt like hell. I’d married another woman as well, but we were just friends, a true marriage of convenience. My gut told me if Casey got married again, it would be the real thing.
I didn’t like the things Ace had said to me or the idea of the woman I loved moving on, but what choice did either of us have? I couldn’t come out of hiding because that would put my life at risk, and asking her to give up everything to go into hiding with me wasn’t fair. She had so much to do, so much to offer the world in terms of her music, and in the end, it was safer for her and Luke. I had to remember that.
She suffers by thinking I’m dead.
I suffer by watching her suffer.
Maybe it was time for the suffering to end and the living to begin again. We both had a second chance and maybe fate would leave us the fuck alone this time. I didn’t know if I believed it, but I was going to try.
27
Casey
Jayson’s plane had been delayed so I got to the studio to meet Tyler and our potential new drummer, Declan “Bash” James, before he arrived. I was excited to see Tyler, of course, but I didn’t know Declan and though we’d spoken on the phone, I was both curious and a little unsure. I’d seen videos of him performing, heard tapes of his playing, and he was amazing, but no one knew much about him personally. He lived in Los Angeles and played the club circuit but hadn’t attained any level of success, so I was anxious to get to know him.
“Hey!” Tyler came bounding over to meet me, hugging me tightly as he spun me around.
“Have you grown?” I asked, frowning at him. I wasn’t that much older than him, but he was still a kid to me.
“Guys grow into their twenties,” he said with a grin. “What can I say?”
“As long as you’re still playing your ass off,” I teased.
“Hell yeah.” He folded his arms across his chest, his eyes twinkling.
I turned as another man came into the room and held out my hand. “Hi. I’m Casey.”
“Declan James.” He shook my hand. “But my friends call me Bash.”
“Well, hi, Bash. I take it you’ve met Tyler?”
He nodded.
“Jayson’s plane is late, but he should be here in another hour and we can spend a little time getting to know each other.” I led them into the lounge and pointed to the refrigerator. “There’s beer, soda and bottled water in the fridge, snacks in the cupboards. Help yourselves.”
“I’m good.” Tyler sat on the arm of one of the chairs and I sat across from him.
Bash leaned against one of the counters, a bottle of water in his hand.
“So what kind of project are we talking about?” Bash asked, his blue eyes searching mine.
“We’re talking about a band,” I said. “Four of us. Hard rock. A little edgy, melodic, with lots of guitar and vocals that’ll make people break out in goose bumps one minute and pump their fists in the air the next.”
“We have a singer like that?”
“I think we do.” I met his gaze without wavering. A lot of guys weren’t interested in performing with a woman, especially one who held all the power, like I did in this situation.
“Then I’m interested.” He took
a pull from his water bottle and I exchanged a quick look with Tyler.
Bash was one of those rockers that would have women throwing their bras and panties at him, with wild blond hair and striking features. Tyler was good-looking too, but in a bad-boy way, his long black hair and tattoo-covered body a lot more stereotypical. Jayson didn’t fit into any mold, and as a woman in hard rock, neither did I. If we could make the music work, we might have a hell of a formula.
There were steps in the hall and Jayson came in.
“Hey!” I got up and hugged him, the smell of his aftershave hitting my nostrils like an aphrodisiac. My heart rate kicked up and I’m pretty sure I blushed, which was stupid, considering nothing had happened and we weren’t even alone. Jesus, was I in heat or what?
“Sorry I’m late.” He turned to Tyler. “Jayson Keller.”
“Tyler Thompson.” Tyler shook his hand.
“Declan James. Most people call me Bash.”
“Nice to meet you.” Jayson shook his hand as well. “So what’d I miss?”
“We were talking about becoming a band,” I said, looking around. “I sent all of you the rough tape I made of ‘Nowhere Left to Fall.’ I’d like to jam a little and then try a version of that. We can get a feel for how we click, or maybe we won’t. But that’s what this weekend is about, figuring it out.”
“Let’s do it.” Jayson looked at Tyler and Bash. “You guys ready to give this a try?”
“I was born ready,” Tyler laughed, jumping to his feet.
We went into the performance room where I’d already set up the Pink Dragon.
“Holy wow, is that your new guitar?” Tyler asked, running towards it and picking it up. “Casey, this is badass.”
“Wait until you hear her. Her name is the Pink Dragon.”
“Fuckin-A, she’s gorgeous.” He strummed a few notes before putting it back in the stand and reaching for his bass, which had been set up as well.
“I didn’t bring any sticks,” Bash said quietly.
A strange silence fell over us and I only missed half a beat before walking to the wall and picking up a house phone. I asked one of the runners to bring us a pair and then turned to him. “No problem. They’re getting you a pair. In the future, you’ll have to tell me your preference and we’ll make sure they’re available.”
