by Kat Mizera
Leni looked intrigued. “Are we going to Las Vegas?”
“Nope. They’re here visiting us.”
“So go put on your regular clothes,” Liz told her. “And give Daddy a kiss before he leaves.”
Leni squished her lips to my cheek, blowing a raspberry that was loud and messy and I made a big show of wiping the spit from my face. She laughed, like she always did, and ran to put her play clothes back on.
“You grab a few things and I’ll take down any pictures of us that show your face without sunglasses,” Liz said in a hushed whisper. We had to be careful what we said in front of Leni because she heard everything, understood everything, and repeated almost everything.
“No problem, I’ll be out of here in a couple of minutes.”
“I’m sorry,” she said softly. “I had no idea.”
“We should’ve known it was possible, with Nice being so close. I knew they played there last night.”
She nodded. “I’ll let you know as soon as they’re gone.”
“Don’t worry. I have plenty of work I can do on my laptop.”
“I can keep them downstairs for a while, but eventually I might have to bring them up to see where we live so…”
“No worries.” I kissed her, grabbed my things, and headed out, taking our private elevator to the executive floor and then a different elevator up to a room we kept for emergencies like this. Usually it was when Sandor or Daniil came to visit, but a surprise appearance by Casey fell into the same category.
My phone buzzed in my pocket and I took it out, frowning at Sandor’s code name in a text:
Sweden: I’m in the hotel with Casey and family. You need to disappear quickly.
Scott: I know. I’m already moving.
Sweden: I need to see you.
I typed in the room number and then settled in, getting out my laptop and pulling up the hotel’s security footage. I could access it with my laptop as long as I had an internet connection and I zoomed in on the lobby.
There she was. As gorgeous as ever, striding through the room with a smile on her face as she approached Liz. The two women hugged and began talking. Casey held out her hand and then he was there. My son. He had an impish smile and nodded at Liz shyly, burying his face in Casey’s side. God, he was beautiful and having him in the building was the closest I’d ever come to hell on earth. Having Casey here in the building was bad enough, but my son? Jesus. How was I supposed to just sit here and watch them on a video surveillance feed?
My phone buzzed again.
Sweden: New plan. Make sure you’re not easily recognizable and meet me in the gift shop in the Cascade Gallery.
Scott: What?
Sweden: Just do it. Five minutes.
Shit. I grabbed my ever-present baseball cap and sunglasses, put them on and stuffed my phone back in my pocket. I took the service elevator down to the basement level where we had a mini-mall set up called the Cascade Gallery. I kept my head down, heading towards the shop he’d indicated, and nearly choked when I saw him coming. Luke was walking beside him with a baseball cap turned backwards on his head and eating an ice cream cone.
Sweet Jesus, what was he thinking?
“Long time no see.” Sandor gave me a quick hug.
“Hey.” I glanced down at my son and inhaled through my nose. “Who’s this?”
“This is my friend, Luke. I work for his mom. Luke, say hello to an old friend of mine, Wyatt.”
“Hello, Mr. Wyatt.” Luke grinned up at me and I noted a mouth full of metal braces, which might have been the cutest thing I’d ever seen.
“Hi, Luke.” My mouth felt dry and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to cry, puke, or both. “What kind of ice cream did you get?”
“Chocolate ripple something.” He looked up at Sandor. “What was it?”
“Chocolate fudge ripple,” Sandor supplied with a fond smile.
“It’s my favorite,” I told him. And it was.
“Mine too.” Luke held up a hand and I realized he wanted to high-five me.
I smacked his hand with mine and we grinned at each other.
“Well, we have to go,” Sandor said. “Take care of yourself, Wyatt.”
“You too. Nice to meet you, Luke.”
“Nice to meet you too.” Luke waved and they walked back in the other direction, leaving me utterly gutted but eternally grateful. Stolen moments like these meant the world to me.
I spent the rest of the day alternately pacing and checking the video cameras. It was torture knowing they were close by and Liz had been with them. At one point, she and Casey took the kids out somewhere and I watched Jay settle in at a blackjack table. He sat there for four hours, not even getting up to use the restroom, completely focused on the cards. I wasn’t much of a gambler and couldn’t imagine doing that, but he seemed enthralled.
I made a few calls down to the pit and found out he was down nearly a hundred grand and I mentally grimaced. How much money he spent was none of my business, but I couldn’t help feeling protective of Casey. Did he do this often? Did Casey know? Should I talk to Sandor about it?
It’s none of your business.
I repeated that over and over, forcing myself to focus on some of my work. Jayson Keller’s recreational habits weren’t any of my business, even if he was married to the woman I still loved. In a few hours, maybe a day, they would be gone and I could go back to pretending I was okay with my new life. And hers.
Dammit.
I got up and went to the window, staring out at the bright, sunny day. I felt dark inside. It was the kind of darkness that permeated your soul no matter what you were doing or who you were with. It radiated out of me sometimes and the only thing that brought me back to the light was Leni. Her laugh, her smile, her love for me. Those were the only things that kept me from turning into the ugliest, most vile man alive. Because time hadn’t eased the ache in my soul. For Casey. For my son. For my people. It had begun to consume me and I didn’t know how the hell I was going to stop it.
The last couple of years had been the hardest since this whole thing began and I was on the verge of exploding. I needed to do something, and seeing how much I’d missed in my son’s life made me realize it had to be sooner rather than later. I’d been working on a plan, quietly and without anyone else’s knowledge, but it was dangerous and Leni needed me. I’d promised to take care of her but that was in direct opposition to what I needed to do for my country and my son. For Casey. I pounded the side of my fist against the wall in frustration, dropping my head. Somehow, I had to find a solution before I lost my sanity.
37
Casey
Skye and I took Sasha to get settled into her dorm a few weeks later at the end of August. Jayson stayed home with Luke and the twins because they’d already started school and to keep an eye on things at the studio, and Nick had both the hotel and his and Skye’s two daughters, Megan and Madison, to take care of. It was a fun, mini girls’ trip, but I was struggling watching Sasha become a woman. She’d only been in my life for ten years, but she was as much mine as my biological children and I got a little misty-eyed as we got ready to leave her.
“I’m fine, Mom.” She hugged me tightly. “You said you wanted me to go away to school and experience all kinds of new things and that’s what I’m doing.”
“I did and you are.” I nodded, forcing a smile. “But I’m going to miss you.”
“You and Jay are going back on the road soon. You’re going to be too busy to miss me.”
“That’s not even possible,” I whispered.
“You’re not gonna cry, are you?” she demanded, giving me an impish smile.
“Of course not.” I swiped at my eyes and gave her a bright smile. “I want you to have the best year ever, okay?”
“I’ll try.” We hugged again.
“Are you two crying?” Skye demanded, putting her hands on her hips.
“Nope.” I straightened up. “I’m just making sure she has enough spending money.”<
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Skye laughed. “Nick just put a thousand dollars in her checking account.”
“And I bought out the beauty supply store, keeping her stocked up on toiletries,” I added.
“You two should go,” Sasha said, giving us gentle shoves toward the door. “I’m fine. I’ll see you in December.”
“I love you, kiddo.” I gave her a smile.
“I love you too, Mom.” She paused and looked at me. “And call if you’re…sad. Okay?”
I smiled. “You too.”
We walked out to Skye’s SUV and I got into the passenger seat, reclining against the leather seats. We’d driven up yesterday and spent the day getting Sasha settled. We’d gone to dinner, spent the night at a hotel, and then came back this morning to finish up, so now we were heading home and I was suddenly depressed.
“You okay?” Skye asked me as she got on the freeway.
“I just miss her when she’s gone. It’s hard watching her do her own thing, especially with her dating and everything.”
Skye glanced at me. “Is it that you hate watching her grow up or that you’re just unhappy yourself?”
I sighed. We didn’t spend enough time together anymore, but Skye and I had gotten close over the years and she knew me probably better than anyone these days, even Nick. She understood how much I still missed Erik even though I’d never admit it to anyone else. It wasn’t as poignant anymore, because it had been a decade now and I kept busy, but it was the root of my loneliness and always brewed deep inside where no one could see it. I felt it, though, and my heart broke a tiny bit every time I looked at Luke because he looked so much like him.
“I don’t know what I am,” I admitted, staring out at nothing.
“What’s going on with Jayson?”
“He’s different. Gambling, staying out late, not as attentive with the kids… I don’t know what’s happened with him.”
“Have you tried talking to him?”
“He gets defensive, then he promises he won’t do it anymore and then I get distracted by the kids or something to do with the band and the whole cycle starts again.”
“Maybe you two should try counseling.”
“Maybe.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
“No. I appreciate it, but I’ve made my bed, so to speak, and I guess I have to deal with it.”
“I think it’s time for you to do some soul-searching,” Skye said slowly. “I don’t know what’s going on with you and Jay, but you’re obviously miserable and it’s not healthy for you or the kids.”
“Jay and I have way too much invested in the band and this tour to make any kinds of major decisions. Besides, I think we just need some time alone. We had the kids with us all summer and now we’re busy with all the back-to-school craziness. Once we get back out on the road, without the kids, we’ll have time to reconnect. It’ll be fine.”
Skye gave me a sideways glance. “Seriously? This is me you’re talking to, girlfriend.”
I chuckled. “I know. But what else can I do but keep moving? I can’t imagine getting another divorce…splitting up the kids, the band… I don’t know.” I sighed. “I’m pretty pathetic, huh?”
“You’re not pathetic.” She reached over and briefly squeezed my hand. “You’re strong and resilient, but I think… Well, the things you’ve been through have broken you a little. I really believe you need to talk to someone.”
“You mean a shrink?”
“A shrink, a marriage counselor, whatever you think it’ll take. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help.”
“There’s nothing a psychologist can help us with.”
“Why not? Maybe talking to someone about your lingering grief and—”
“You don’t understand. That’s not it. I mean, it is, but it’s not.”
“I’m confused.”
“Jay knows.”
“What does Jay know?”
“Everything.”
“You told him about Luke?” She was keeping her eyes on the road, but I didn’t miss the look of shock on her face.
“I needed him to understand my bond to Erik, and for him to know I trusted him with one of the most important things in the world to me. I thought it would help our marriage. Instead, I think it drove a wedge further between us.”
“When did you tell him?”
“About a year ago.”
“And how did he react?”
“He didn’t. I mean, he thanked me for trusting him and said it meant a lot to him.”
“And then?”
“Nothing.”
“Not even, like, really good sex?”
“The sex stopped being good a long time ago.”
“So the sex is bad?” Skye momentarily turned to stare.
I motioned for her to look where she was going. “It’s not bad, it’s just really…dull.”
“Dull.” She took a breath. “That’s not a word I want to associate with sex.”
“I know.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Nothing. Go back on tour and make the best of it.”
“For how long?”
“I don’t know. I’m not really in charge of my life anymore. It just keeps rolling along and I have no choice but to stay one step ahead of it or it’ll run right over me.”
“Oh, honey, you can’t live like that.”
“I also can’t stop it.”
“At some point, something is going to give and I think that something is going to be you.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of.”
“You know Nick and I are always here for you, right?”
“It’s one of the things that keeps me going.”
My conversation with Skye lingered in the back of my mind that fall as we hit the road again. Jayson was different but I couldn’t put my finger on what was going on. He was kinder, gentler with me, but also a lot more emotionally distant. We had a few days off coming up at Thanksgiving and I planned to have a heart-to-heart with him, but we had a whole different issue when we got home. Sasha came home from school with the guy she was dating, and shit hit the fan. This guy was an aspiring musician and he’d been bugging us to listen to some of his music. Jay had finally given in but when he offered constructive criticism, the jerk thought we should give him free access to work on it at our studio.
“I don’t know what to do about this,” Jay told me that night in bed, putting his hands behind his head.
“I think he’s a little prick who’s using our daughter,” I grumbled, sitting cross-legged on the bed beside him.
“I know, but we have to deal with this carefully or it’s going to upset her. In my experience with teenage girls—” he gave me a quirky grin, “—they tend to do the opposite of what’s best for them if their parents get involved.”
I grimaced. “Yeah, I know. I don’t think Sasha’s like that, but he’s all she’s talked about for months so I don’t know how it’s going to go.”
“Well, he dropped a bombshell on me tonight.”
“Oh, Jesus.” I met his gaze warily. “What?”
“Said there’s a sex tape and if we don’t do his demo tape for him, he’s going to put it online.”
My mouth fell open. “What?” I got to my feet, ready to go beat the snot out of the little shit.
Jay was instantly on his feet, reaching for me. “That’s not going to help anything. We just have to make a decision on how much we’re willing to be blackmailed.”
“None.” I shook my head. “Fuck him. I’ll sue his pansy little ass until his parents are screaming for mercy.”
“That’s kinda what I thought too, but…” He gave a little shrug. “What if he does it?”
“It’ll be a hard lesson for her to learn, but she made the damn tape, and these are the consequences when you do shit like that.” I sighed, running my hand through my hair. I’d recently cut it shorter, shoulder-length, for the first time in my life and I hated it. “I’ll have to talk to her.�
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“And I’m kicking his punk-ass out of my house in the morning.” He kissed the top of my head. “It’ll be okay. We’ve got Sasha’s back.” He paused. “Did you know she was having sex?”
I laughed. “Uh, yeah. Since she was fifteen.”
“Fifteen?” His mouth fell open. “How come I didn’t know?”
“You would’ve lost your mind and wound up in jail. Don’t worry, she’s on the pill and I kept both of them supplied with condoms.”
He shuddered. “I can’t even think about the twins…”
I shook my head. “Do not go there. They’re still babies. We have years before we have to worry about them having sex.”
“Thank god.” He sank back down on the bed. “I think I’m going to be sick.”
I laughed and nudged him. “Stop it. Sasha’s an adult and while she’s going to have some growing pains, she’ll always have us for backup.”
He nodded. “Of course. They all will.”
I got back in bed and rested my head against his chest. This was a rare moment of intimacy for us and I didn’t want to mess it up by asking him what was going on with him. With us. With our marriage. It was so hard to talk to him about these things even though we talked about everything else. I wished I was stronger, willing to call him out on everything he’d been doing, but I didn’t have the energy. Sasha was in a crisis and we only had a few more days before we went back on the road. Right now, she needed me more than I needed him and, as always, my kids came first.
38
Casey
The last few months had been a nightmare. When Sasha’s now ex-boyfriend put their sex tape up on a porn site and then tweeted out a link, her life went into a tailspin. To her credit, she’d held her head high and insisted she’d done nothing wrong, that he was an asshole and she didn’t give a shit. She not only finished the semester, but she aced all her finals and told everyone to kiss her ass. Unfortunately, that meant she completely collapsed when she got home and we’d had to cancel our final date in L.A. so I could be with her.
When January came around, she wasn’t ready to face anyone back at school so she stayed home, taking an online class and trying to get a job, but it was hard for the kid of someone as famous as I was to get a normal job at the mall or anything. A Pretty Harts fan recognized her and followed her home, so that had been a tactical nightmare and I thought Sandor was going to lose his mind. Luck was with us, though, and my friend Tina heard about a local professional hockey player who needed a nanny. It worked out perfectly since Sasha loved kids and it distracted her from her worries.
