by Kat Mizera
In retrospect, I had no regrets. There were so many things I wished I could change, but since that wasn’t going to happen, I forged ahead each day trying to make the most of the great things in my life. Money, success, my looks, and a wonderful family were things that other people only dreamed about, but I had them all in spades. Ironically, after all these years, I still wanted the one thing I couldn’t have; the love of a man who was gone.
Slowly, I ran my finger over the pictures we’d taken that day. I’d been looking up at him, my eyes so full of love it could practically jump off the page and touch me. He was smiling down at me, his sparkling green eyes crinkled with love, laughter and happiness. For a very short time, my life had been as perfect as anything anyone could imagine. And then in the span of a few months, it had all been taken away from me. It was like a bad dream. Even now, thinking back about everything that happened, I cringed. Despite my professional success, playing in two of the best-selling rock bands in the history of rock and roll, I’d never recovered from that loss. I’d met and married a wonderful man who adored me, and we had twin girls who brought us a lot of joy. Together with my son and adopted older daughter, we were a beautiful, healthy, happy family. At least that’s how it looked on the outside.
On the inside, things had been slowly unraveling for a long time. The children seemed to be oblivious, but my marriage was in trouble. Jay was kind, handsome, intelligent and hard-working, but there was no doubt he lived with the knowledge that he would never be the great love of his wife’s life. He’d married me knowing that, so there had been no deception on my part, but as we’d gotten older, it became more and more obvious we weren’t in love the way other couples we knew were. The worst part was that it was my fault, because if I’d been able to find a way to move on, I could have, and should have, loved Jay as much as any woman had ever loved a man.
I closed the scrapbook I’d been thumbing through, put it back in the box, and then put the box back up in a corner of the closet. I didn’t take it out very often, because the memories still hurt like they’d happened yesterday, but I couldn’t bring myself to throw them away either. No one knew it, but I’d seen a therapist for a while, and she’d told me it was time to let go. I already knew that, of course. Erik had been gone for a decade after all, so it wasn’t like I would get any more closure than I already had. I could never fully articulate why it was so hard, why I simply couldn’t let him go. It was as if he was still with me and as long as he was, I would never move on.
In the kitchen, I pulled out some tuna salad that Marisol had made this morning, along with whole grain bread and sliced tomatoes. I made two sandwiches, pulled out two glasses and poured each of us a glass of iced green tea. Within minutes I heard Jay pulling into the garage, and I put our plates on the island. I sat down and took my first bite just as he came in.
“Hey!” He brushed a kiss across the top of my head and sat down next to me. “Got him back to school. Hopefully, he’ll stay for the rest of the day.”
“Hopefully.” I nodded. “I just hope we did the right thing.”
“We did. What else could we do? Did you see that picture? Christ, they’re more like brothers than father and son.”
“I’m going to have to call Nick,” I said. Only a handful of people knew the truth about Luke’s paternity, including Nick and Skye.
“He’s not home yet,” Jayson said absently.
“How do you know?” I asked in confusion.
“I saw him earlier.”
“I thought you were at the studio all morning?”
“I was at the studio for a few hours. Then Nick came by and we went to run an errand.”
“You and Nick ran an errand?” I stared at him, frowning. “Jay, what’s going on? Why were you and Nick running errands together?”
“I needed his help.” He put down his sandwich and reached out to take my hand. “Listen, I need to talk to you about something.”
“Okay.” I was definitely nervous about this. Things hadn’t been good between us lately, but the idea he needed help from Nick didn’t sit right with me.
“You know I love to gamble,” he said slowly.
“Yes.”
“I’ve been gambling a lot. A whole lot.”
“What does that mean?” I asked in alarm. “Have you done something to our finances? Is that why you were with Nick?” Nick was one of the richest men in the world. For Jay to contact him, it had to be bad.
“Wait. Listen to me. Please.” He took a deep breath, absently pushing his hair away from his face. “I didn’t do anything with our mutual finances, but I really screwed up my own. Nothing that affects you, directly, like this house or the studio, but my own stuff.”
“Oh, god, Jay, why did you go to Nick? Why couldn’t you come to me?”
“Really?” He looked at her. “Come on, let’s not play games. My gambling isn’t your fault, and I’m not laying blame on anyone but myself, but the fact is, we’ve been drifting apart for a while now.”
I sighed. “Jay, what kind of mess did you make? Did you borrow money from Nick?”
“Kind of. This morning marks ninety days without gambling. I went to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting, with Nick, and then he went with me to pay off the last person I owed money to. I borrowed on my share of my mother’s house, and when we get the advance money from the record label for the next album, I’ll be able to pay Nick back. It was a hundred grand, but we’re getting at least that much later this year, and I didn’t want to take a chance the loan shark I went to did something that would affect my mother. So I asked Nick for a loan. He knows I’ve been going to G.A. and he went with me this morning to ask my sponsor if I’ve still been going regularly. Once we left the meeting, he stopped at the bank, got the money and we went and paid the man off together. That’s it. I’m essentially free. I’ve paid off everyone else I owed, and in a few months, I’ll pay Nick back too.”
“How much have you lost?” I asked incredulously.
“All together, more than eight hundred grand.”
I just stared at him. “Almost a million dollars? Jay, how could you?”
“I know I have a problem—but I’ve been working really hard at beating it. I go to meetings every other day, and up until a few weeks ago, I went every day except Sundays. I cashed out some investments and started paying off my debts. I left Mom’s house for last because I didn’t think it would be so easy for the loan shark to get the whole house since it’s worth half a million and I only owed him a hundred grand. But Nick thought it would be better to separate myself from this guy completely, and he fronted me the money so I wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore.”
“Have I been such a terrible person that you couldn’t come to me? I have more money than I’ll ever spend. You know I would have helped.”
“I was embarrassed.” He sighed. “I’ve never been the man you wanted me to be and this was just one more failure.”
“Failure?” I asked in surprise. “What are you talking about? You haven’t failed at anything! You’re a talented musician who makes a ton of money, both with and without me, in the music business. You’re a great father—to your own children and to your stepchildren. You’re a good son, a great brother and uncle—how on earth have you failed?”
“I failed to make you love me.”
“Oh, come on. That’s not true. I love you, and you know it.”
“You love me like a friend or brother, but you’re not in love with me. You haven’t been in a very long time, although there were traces of it in the beginning. You’ve always loved Erik, and you always will. I can’t compete with a dead man.”
“It’s not a competition,” I protested. “And if anyone failed, it’s me. I never got over him, but that’s not your fault.”
“Maybe if I’d been half the man he was, you might have been able to love me,” he whispered quietly. “Come on—let’s look at the facts. Your father discovered my pathetic little band and wanted to produce our album. In the
end, we weren’t even good enough to produce, so you stepped in and took over as lead guitarist. That’s the only reason we are who we are. You made Pretty Harts the sensation it is, and I got to go along for the ride. All this money, fame, and success is because of you. I didn’t do shit on my own.”
“Everyone got started somewhere,” I said evenly. “I wouldn’t be who I am if I hadn’t been Lucas Hart’s daughter.”
“You’re a guitar goddess.”
“Yes, and you’re a great-looking, extremely talented lead singer and song writer. I can’t sing—without you, this band is nowhere.”
“It was your name that got us started.”
“And it was my father’s name that got me started with my first band and made me enough of a star to get another band going. Why are we having this conversation? You having a gambling problem isn’t like you went out and committed murder or something. Big deal. You made a mistake—but you have so many other wonderful qualities. Did you think I would leave you or something?”
He suddenly looked distinctly uncomfortable. “Look, what we have to talk about is more than my gambling. We can’t keep going like this. You’re not happy, I’m unhappy because you’re unhappy, and pretty soon, the kids are going to notice.” He paused as his cell phone started to ring. He glanced down and sighed. “It’s the studio. I’ll call them back.”
Then my cell phone started to ring, and it was the studio. “Uh-oh, they’re calling both of us. Why don’t you answer?”
“What’s up?” Jay answered the call and his face sobered instantly. “Are you fucking kidding me? Jesus Christ, I’ve only been gone a couple of hours. What the hell happened? Dammit, yes, I’ll be there in a few minutes!” He hung up and looked at me. “Somehow, we’re double-booked in Studio C. We’ve got two acts in the lobby demanding their time and no one knows what to do.”
“I knew that new receptionist was going to be a dud,” Casey groaned. “I need Tina in there.” Tina Papadakis had been helping me the last few months and I’d been trying to replace her without success because she had other responsibilities.
“I’ve got to go,” he said, stuffing the last of his sandwich in his mouth.
“Should I come too?”
“No. You finish the accounting stuff, I’ll handle this crisis, and then I’m going to come home and we’re going to have a nice night with the kids. And later, we’re going to finish our conversation.”
“Jay…”
“Shh.” He put a finger on my lips. “Everything is going to be okay. I have a brilliant idea, and I think you’re going to like it. Let’s just get through this mini-crisis and we’ll figure this out tonight, together.”
I reluctantly watched him go, and then ambled back towards my office, the dish with my half-eaten sandwich still in my hand. I sat down at my desk but the papers in front of me were the last thing on my mind. How long had he been feeling like he was nothing without me? I’d never tried to emasculate him, never threw my personal success in his face, and I’d never used it as a weapon when we argued. Yet here it was in black and white; he’d told me that was how he felt. He hadn’t said I’d made him feel that way, but it was the same thing, wasn’t it? I’d taken a good man and driven him to gambling and who knew what else. Women, undoubtedly. The thought made me slightly ill, and I tried to think of when he had the opportunity. Obviously, there were general opportunities, but did he really go to the studio for a few hours and have quick sex with someone in his office when he knew I was busy with something else? Did he rent shady hotel rooms somewhere?
Honestly, we didn’t spend that much time apart. Quick, meaningless sex was one thing, but an affair of the heart was another. He couldn’t possibly have the time for that, could he? And if that was what he was going to talk to me about, why did he think he had a brilliant idea? Leaving me wouldn’t make me happy, but that was what he’d alluded to. That whatever it was he wanted to tell me would somehow make me happy. Was he really that crazy, to think I’d be happier without him? Or was there a woman pulling his strings somewhere, one who’d convinced him that his wife would be better off without him?
I groaned, resting my head in my hands. I didn’t know what I would do if he left me. I wasn’t wildly in love with him, but we had a family together, worked together, and quite honestly, he’d been there for me during some of the darkest hours of my life. He’d been willing to let me cry and listened when I wanted to talk, whether it was about my father or Erik or anything else. From then on, he’d been at my side, and I’d fallen into the trap of confusing security and companionship with love. He’d made it so easy, because he knew I still loved another man, and he was willing to settle for whatever I could give him. Now, it seemed like such a waste all around.
Our children, of course, served as the glue that bound us together, even the ones that weren’t biologically ours. Luke had been born before he and I had gotten involved, and Sasha wasn’t even my biological child, but we all fit together in one large, convoluted family. The idea he might want to break it up made me want to cry.
40
Casey
I absently cleaned up the kitchen, still lost in thought, and was just drying my hands when Marisol came in, her arms laden with bags.
“Hello, hello!” she called out. “Lord, it’s hot out there!”
“Need help?” I asked, smiling at her.
“No, Hector is behind me with more.” Marisol smiled affectionately. Hector was her nephew, and he worked for the landscaping company that managed our five-acre estate.
Hector came in a moment later, also carrying groceries, and smiled at me. “Hello, Mrs. K! Working from home today?”
“Not getting much done, but yes, trying to work from home.” I smiled back at him. We were lucky to have a great staff of employees. Marisol had been with us for so long she was more like family, and her hours fluctuated based on the family’s schedule. Once the twins had gone to kindergarten, we’d transitioned her to run the household with nanny and babysitting duties interspersed. She managed the kids’ school and activities schedules, and sometimes even chauffeured them where they had to go. She was part nanny, part housekeeper and part secretary, but also like another member of the family. She and her husband had never had children of their own, so our children were almost like her own and they called her Aunt Marisol.
“Casey, are you sure you’re not going to need me until Tuesday? Bill and I are planning to spend the weekend with his family in Reno, but we can come back early if you need me on Monday.”
“Don’t be silly,” I laughed. “We’re going to have family night tonight, Luke will be with his father tomorrow and Sunday night, and Monday we’ll all be at the Charleston for the Memorial Day fireworks and barbeque. I’ll see you bright and early Tuesday morning.”
“All right.” Marisol hummed as she began putting away groceries, and I worked beside her in companionable silence.
Despite being as rich and successful as I was, I liked to be involved in all aspects of both my home and my businesses, so although we could’ve easily had a bevy of maids and other live-in help, we preferred to keep things less formal. The kids made their own beds in the morning, and even when we were on tour, we sat down to eat dinner as a family as often as possible. My mother and mother-in-law both lived nearby, so they often joined us on the weekends, and the kids’ friends were usually out by the pool or downstairs in the game room. Normally, the house was full of life and laughter, and I suddenly wondered if that would change if Jay left me.
“Honey, are you okay? You look a little pale.”
“Sorry.” I shrugged. “Jay and I had a little disagreement and I guess I’m beating myself up over it.”
“Did he walk out?” she asked in surprise.
“No—we got a bunch of calls from the studio about a big booking mistake, so he ran out of here to take care of it. He said we’d talk about it tonight, but you know me—if there’s something to worry about, I’m bound to worry about it.”
&nbs
p; “He’s been different lately,” Marisol acknowledged. “Lighter, as if the weight of the world had been on his shoulders and suddenly it’s been lifted. I thought maybe things between you were better.”
“Better? What do you mean?” I looked at her in surprise.
“I’m sorry.” Marisol turned away, her cheeks turning pink. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“No, tell me.” I touched her arm. “No one tells me the truth about anything. They’re all afraid of hurting my feelings. I could really use a somewhat-outside perspective, because I feel like I’m losing him, and I don’t know what to do.”
“He used to walk on eggshells around you, and now suddenly he seems more self-assured, not so nervous.”
“He walked on eggshells around me?” I blinked. “Really?”
“Since you got back from the last leg of the tour, you’ve been tense, coiled tight as a spring, and so has he. There’s no doubt something, or someone, has been on your mind.”
“But there hasn’t been,” I whispered in frustration. “I guess I’m just a bitch.”
“No.” Marisol paused, looking over at me. “You know, I’ve got a good fifteen years on you, but I’m still a woman, and I know pain when I see it. It’s right there, just beneath the surface on you. I don’t know what, exactly, put it there, but I know the stories, I’ve read the gossip magazines… You wear your pain on your sleeve, and while it makes great lyrics for your songs, I’m pretty sure it’s a tough burden for your husband to carry around.”
“He never complains, he never says anything,” I murmured. “He never has. Maybe that’s why. Sometimes I just wish he’d get mad and tell me how awful I am, but he doesn’t. He enables my misery, and I let him. We’re quite a pair, I guess.”
“Honey, it might not be any of my business, but you’ve got to communicate. The only thing that will save you is complete honesty. No matter how much it hurts, it’s better than what you’ve been living.”
“I guess we’ll see what happens tonight.” I popped a few grapes in my mouth and we finished putting everything away in silence.
