The Bondage of Love

by Catherine Cookson

  Willie looked up at his mother, who was standing smiling at him, shrugged his shoulders and said, ‘The lord commands, so we’d better obey.’ And he grabbed hold of Daisy’s hand again, but she pulled away and said, ‘Go on. Go on. I know all about it. I’m going indoors.’ And she ran towards the steps and up them, and into the hall where Fiona was now standing looking at her in real amazement.

  When Daisy said, ‘Well?’ Fiona replied, ‘Oh! What a beautiful outfit. It’s lovely. Where did you…? Oh, I forgot, you didn’t get it at the shop.’

  ‘I did. I did. It was put to one side for me. My lady friend thought of me the minute she saw it. When I went into the shop, a number of people were there and she took me aside and told me to wait, because she had a piece, she said, a French piece that was really elegant. Would I mind waiting! And you won’t believe it, but there’s a hat goes with it and gloves.’

  ‘No!’

  ‘Yes. It really is a French rig-out.’

  ‘It’s lovely.’ Fiona was fingering the material now as she added, ‘Good gracious! Dare I ask what you paid for it?’

  ‘Oh, a pretty packet, for me. The suit, hat, gloves, three pieces of silk underwear, two pair of shoes—it’s a pity the shoes pinch—twelve pounds fifty.’

  ‘Never!’

  ‘Sure thing, twelve pounds fifty. That’s a lot for me.’

  ‘Have you any idea what that suit would cost if you bought it in London?’

  ‘Well, I would have thought it would have been in the two hundred region.’

  ‘My dear, double that and add a bit more.’

  ‘No!’

  ‘Oh, yes. Yes. Let me look at the make.’

  She helped Daisy off with the coat, and when she saw the tag, and not only the tag but also the inserted piece below the armhole, describing in French how this garment had to be cleaned, she said, ‘You’ll never get another bargain like this. And it suits you. It’s as if it were made for you. Oh, you do look nice…no, not nice, lovely.’ She stared at Daisy. Then she said, ‘Come along in, dear. I’m expecting the others at any minute, I mean Katie and Sammy. And Bill has a surprise for Willie. You’ll hear about it in a minute.’

  ‘Fiona.’

  Her name drew Fiona to a stop at the foot of the stairs, and she looked at the young woman who was staring fixedly at her. A different young woman from what she used to be, at least outwardly, for she still wasn’t sure that Daisy would ever be any other than Daisy. But she had called her Fiona, not Mrs B, as Sammy did.

  ‘Willie and I,’ she didn’t say ‘me’, ‘have something to tell you. But I’m going to pave the way first by explaining how I have prepared myself for it, in the hope that, well, you might see me in a different light for, from where I stand now, at least how you see me now, you’re certainly not going to welcome me into the family with open arms. Oh, it’s all right, it’s all right.’ She put up her hand to check what Fiona seemed about to say. ‘Just wait a minute. Wait a minute. First of all I’ll tell you, I’ve been going to a night school at the polytechnic for the last year or so. That’s why I couldn’t see, I wouldn’t see, Willie on Mondays, Tuesdays or Thursdays. And now I have three O levels, English, History and Social Studies.’

  As Daisy watched Fiona’s face stretch and her hand go to her chin, she again put up a hand and said, ‘That’s nothing. That was just preparation. Wait for it. What d’you think? I’ve been picked, I mean I’ve been accepted for a degree course at the Open University. I wrote last year but I had to wait, and then, just this morning, I heard I had been accepted.’

  It was now Daisy’s turn to be amazed to see Fiona’s mouth open wide, her head go back and a great burst of laughter come forth from her, which caused her to say tartly, ‘It wasn’t meant to be funny.’

  ‘Funny! Funny! Oh, Daisy! It is, it is funny! You see, I too received a letter this morning. I too am starting at the Open University, for a degree in English. Oh, Daisy! Daisy!’

  Who put her arms around the other first won’t ever be known; but there they were, hugging each other like long-lost friends. And their loud laughter, interspersed with the exchange of comments of amazement and surprise, brought Bill and Willie to a standstill in the hall doorway. And their expressions could only be described as incredulous and neither of them could conjure up any far-fetched reason to explain what they were seeing. These two, this woman and this young girl who, they both knew, were at opposite poles in their thinking and attitudes with regard to life and how it should be lived, were embracing each other and crying with their laughter.

  ‘What on earth! What’s this? What’s this? Am I seeing aright?’ Bill’s voice was a boom; and when they both turned towards him, their arms still about each other, Fiona almost spluttered as she said, ‘You…you won’t believe it.’

  When their laughter was rising again, Bill called impatiently, ‘Stop it! Stop it! Both of you. Believe what?’

  It was Daisy now, her head bobbing she looked towards Willie and gulped, ‘I’ve got three O levels and…and I was telling Fiona, and something better still.’ She turned now and looked at Fiona, and again they were laughing as she added, ‘And…and when I told her I’d applied to…’—she gulped for breath—‘the Open University and that I heard just today that I was in’—she again flapped her free hand towards Fiona—‘she said that she too had received one this morning. And we’re both going in for the…same thing.’

  ‘Open University?’ Willie’s voice was high. ‘You! You! And to have kept it dark. Oh, what I could do to you.’ He had hold of her now, pulling her from Fiona and saying, ‘How did you manage the O levels?’

  ‘The polytechnic.’

  ‘The polytechnic?’ Willie now turned and looked at Bill, but Bill was staring at Fiona. She had stopped laughing and was looking back at him, and her voice was quiet now as she said, ‘Yes, dear. Yes. I…I got it this morning.’ When he continued to stare at her, she said, ‘Well, aren’t you going to say something?’

  His head jerked to the side and his voice, without enthusiasm, said, ‘Good for you. Oh, aye, good for you.’ Then, looking at Daisy, he shook his head, and now he did smile as he said, ‘Dark horse, aren’t you? A dark horse. But what’s going to happen to Minnehaha? I suppose you’ll bury her under your degree, eh?’

  ‘No, I couldn’t bury her if I tried. But I have no intention of burying her…she’s going places.’ She laughed again. ‘But don’t you think it’s funny that we both’—she now put her hand out to Fiona—‘have been doing the same thing and have kept it a secret?’

  ‘Not funny’—Bill shook his head—‘devious, I would say.’

  ‘Oh, go on with you!’ Daisy flapped her hand towards Bill. ‘There’s nothing devious about either of us. Is there, Fiona?’

  Fiona smiled at her but made no answer.

  There was something about his father’s face and his mother’s attitude to cause Willie to say loudly, ‘Well, now it’s my turn to throw surprises. What d’you think?’ He poked his head towards Daisy. ‘Dad’s bought me a car.’

  ‘Really? Oh, that’s wonderful.’ And she glanced towards Bill and, in her old manner, she said, ‘Aw, that’s marvellous of you, Big Chief House-builder. What is it, a BMW?’

  ‘No, nor a Jaguar! It’s a second-hand Morris Minor.’

  ‘Well, I wouldn’t mind if it was, as long as it goes.’

  ‘It’s a Rover,’ Willie said, ‘and it’s lovely. Come on, have a look at it.’ As he went to pull her away, she turned and said, ‘You coming, Fiona?’

  ‘I’ve seen it, dear. I’ve seen it.’

  ‘Of course. Of course.’ Daisy looked from one to the other, then allowed Willie to pull her from the hall and down to the drive. But before they reached the courtyard they stopped their running and she said to him, ‘He’s not pleased, is he? I mean, with Fiona.’

  ‘No, not over much; but I had thought they had this all out some time ago. Still.’ He pulled her to a stop just within the courtyard and, looking into her eyes, he sai
d, ‘I didn’t think I could love you one ounce more than I did, but at this moment I could say, Daisy Gallagher, I adore you. And you’ve done all this to get on the right side of Mam?’

  There was indeed a sober look on her face now as she said, ‘Yes, mainly I suppose; but then it’s something I’ve always wanted to do; I mean, to learn English, the grammar and all that. I don’t suppose you believe me.’

  ‘Oh, I believe you, dear. I believe you. But whatever made you do it has proved you to be a very exceptional human being. And I’m so proud of you this minute I could…bust.’

  ‘Burst, Mr Bailey. B-U-R-S-T.’

  ‘B-U-S-T, Miss Gallagher. Bust.’

  They were again enfolded for a moment, and then they were running towards the end garage. And when she saw the car, she said, ‘Oh, I want to throw myself on the bonnet and hug it. But I’m wearing this very expensive dress.’

  When he said, ‘Let me take you for a run. I’ve driven Sammy’s and Katie’s, and you know I passed my test last year in…antici…pation’—he spread out the word—‘for I knew it was coming some time.’ She said, ‘No, let’s get back to the house; we must tell them the real news.’

  ‘Yes. Yes. Good Lord! We came full of it, didn’t we? And we’ve never mentioned it.’

  ‘I…I don’t think I need to, not to your mam, now.’

  ‘No. No, I don’t think you need to, darling. No.’

  When again he went to take her into his arms, she said, ‘No, let’s get back! I’m dying to tell somebody, anybody.’ And at this, joining hands, they ran from the courtyard to the house. But as they entered the hall they heard Bill’s voice coming from the drawing room, and the sound of it stopped Willie in his tracks. ‘Oh, dear me,’ he said. ‘Let’s go up and tell Grandma.’

  ‘They can’t be quarrelling.’

  Willie’s voice was low as he said, ‘No, not quarrelling, just discussing something, I should imagine, very deeply. I’ll explain it all to you later.’

  They were on the first landing when he stopped her again and, still quietly, he said, ‘Never let me possess you wholly, Daisy. Always keep a bit of yourself for yourself. You know what I mean?’ She stared at him, her face equally straight now, and then she nodded, saying, ‘Yes, Willie, I know what you mean. And thank you for looking at things in this way.’ And with this she took his face between her hands and, putting her lips on his, she kissed him gently. Then they went up the remainder of the stairs and into the nursery.

  Downstairs Bill and Fiona were facing each other across the width of the open fireplace, which left a good five feet between them, and Fiona’s voice was loud as she cried, ‘Yes, I know. I know all credit is due to her, and I think she’s marvellous. And I know that she’s done this so that I would accept her, as you have so forcibly said. In any case I would have had to accept her, because Willie being Willie, he would have gone his own way in the end. But yes, as you have also said, she was wise and she’s prepared herself to come up to my level so that I can’t look down on her. But you’re wrong there. I would never have looked down on her, not in the way you mean. And I know their intention today was to tell us they were engaged. I guessed as soon as I saw them on the drive. So, I know all this and it doesn’t need to be repeated again and again. You said it all. And I’m glad she has found such favour in your eyes; but then she always did. And I’m in no way belittling her efforts because they’ve been double those of my own as she’s been attending night school for over a year and has got three O levels. But our efforts, in one way, remained the same: we are both going in for the Open University course, and in English. So, would you mind, Mr Bailey, making some remark about,’ her voice broke slightly here, and she gulped before she finished, ‘my efforts. For, you know, you agreed to my going in for it.’

  ‘I did nothing of the damn well sort.’

  Her mouth was in wide gape as she said, ‘Then you forget the night when you went on your knees…’

  ‘No, I don’t forget anything about that night. But what I did say was, if you wanted to go ahead with it, you could go ahead. And you gave me the impression that you were going to drop it. Yes, you did. You did.’

  ‘I did nothing of the sort.’ Her voice was deep and quiet now. ‘I remember, because you were in such a dreadful state; and I remember saying that I wouldn’t go ahead with it and you insisted that I should, because if I didn’t you would feel more guilty still. And not only guilty, but inferior. You forget.’

  ‘I forget nothing, woman. Nothing! Nothing! Only, when Mamie came on the scene shortly afterwards and you had your hands full with her, and still have, because she depends wholly on you, that your highfalutin ideas about further education were knocked on the head. But what did you do? You applied to the Open University straight away. And oh, I know quite a bit about it. For instance, they get so many applicants for doing English, because it’s the easiest of the lot and they’ve got a waiting list.’

  There was silence for a full minute before she said, ‘Well, if you’ve been informed that it’s the easiest of the lot, then you have been informed wrongly. And there’s nothing easy when you have to work mentally, do you hear? Mentally, for five years at least. Then your mental ability has to be such that your work is of the standard that will enable you to have earned a degree.’

  Again there was silence between them, and she knew that if she didn’t get out of the room quickly she would burst into tears. She had the weekend before her and all her children home; even Mark would be here tomorrow with his friend, Roland Featherstone, and she’d be expected to lay on a special table for an engagement party. So, she must control herself. She must get away from him.

  So that she shouldn’t pass him, she went round the head of the couch and behind it, and when she was halfway down the room, her way was blocked.

  ‘Come and sit down. We must talk.’

  ‘I think we’ve done all the talking necessary for one day.’

  Again she went to move past him, when he said, ‘You go out that door and you’ll have a cold bed for many a night ahead.’

  She lifted her head sharply and stared at him, then marched towards the door. It was something he had never expected her to do. But once again he was ahead of her with his back tight against the door, and, his voice different and his manner almost one of bewilderment, he said, ‘What’s come over us? What’s the matter? Why are we like this?’

  She looked straight up into his face as she said, ‘Ask yourself. You’ll find the answers there. Let me out!’

  ‘Oh no! Oh no!’

  He actually took her by the shoulders now and forced her back up the room and onto the couch, and, although he didn’t throw her, she fell with a plump into the corner. And then he was sitting beside her, gripping her hands, and again he said, ‘What’s come over us?’

  She turned her head fully to him; her glance was not only cool, but cold. And as he looked back into her face, he cursed himself for the domination that ruled him, at least with regard to her. When his head dropped before her gaze, his hand loosened on her arm and he turned from her and leaned forward, his head in the palms of his hands, his elbows on his knees. And like this they sat for some minutes before he said quietly, ‘If you want to go, go.’

  Again there was silence between them. Then he startled her by flinging round and gathering her to him.

  ‘Why does this happen to us?’ he cried. ‘Why?’ Then without waiting for an answer he went on, ‘Oh, I know, I know. It’s me. But…but, as I told you before, there’s something in me where you’re concerned. It is because you’re all I have and ever want to have, and I can’t share you. And yet it isn’t only that; it’s that I can’t bear you to think of anyone but me.’

  ‘But this isn’t a person, it’s a thing.’

  ‘Yes. I know, dear, but it doesn’t seem to make any difference. You see, it’s as I said, it’s something that moves you away from me.’ He turned from her, saying, ‘It’s no good. I’ve tried. I’ve tried. And, oh God! The things it m
akes me say to you.’ He swung round again and pulled her into his embrace. ‘I never thought in my whole life I would ever say you’d have a cold bed to come to. Where do such thoughts come from? I think, you know, love, I’m a little insane. Yes, I mean this, at least, about you. Everything else I have to deal with, work, people, those high up and those low down, every facet of business, they’re all in order in different pockets in my mind, so to speak. But when I think of you, it’s as if my whole being was a pocket and full of love. But the love is mixed up with jealousy and domination and everything that I would condemn in anyone else.’

  ‘Oh, Bill! Bill!’ And when he muttered, ‘It’s like a disease and I know I’ll never be cured of it,’ she thought, yes, it is a disease, and it wasn’t right, for her life was contaminated by it now. But what was the solution? Give in to him? Let him have all his own way? Let him possess her as he wanted to? And what about her and her feelings for him? Would this deep love which, in a way, consumed her, would it last? No. No, it wouldn’t. Not under those conditions.

  When he said, ‘Everybody except me has known what you were doing,’ she pulled away from him, saying, ‘No! No, Bill. Nobody knew. I was going to tell you myself, but…but Daisy sprang her surprise on me. Nobody, no-one else knew.’

  ‘Not Nell?’

  ‘No. Well, she knew I had had it in mind a couple of years ago, but she thought I had dropped it, especially with all the business after Mamie came back.’

  ‘But Katie knew.’

  ‘No. No more than Nell. I’ve told no-one. This was between you and me.’

  From the look on his face she felt that his self-esteem was being eased just the slightest, and when he said, ‘Not your mother, even?’ she replied, ‘No. No. Of course not.’