The Bondage of Love

by Catherine Cookson

  He pulled her gently towards him and dropped his head onto her shoulder and he muttered, ‘Of all the maniacs in this world, I’m one. And it’s like being mad, I suppose. It’s worse when you’re aware of being mad.’

  When there came the sound of a car horn hooting, they both looked up.

  ‘That’ll be Sammy and Katie,’ she whispered. When she added, as if in a plea, ‘Oh, Bill!’ he said, ‘Don’t worry. Now, don’t worry. I’m all right. It’s something to know, like a salve on a sore, that this is just between you and me, that the whole household hasn’t been aware of it.’

  ‘Bill’—her voice was very low—‘there’ll always be just you and me. Can’t you believe that? Everybody else is secondary, all of them. There’ll always be just you and me.’

  As a loud exchange of hooting and laughter came from the hall, he kissed her hard on the lips, then held her back from getting up and said, ‘We’ll just sit here, the old couple waiting for the family to descend on them.’

  Fiona smiled, took his hand, and leant back in the corner of the couch.

  When the door burst open and they came in amidst laughter, high chatting, and pushing one another, but all in the direction of the couch, Bill cried at them, ‘Stop making that racket.’ Then, putting his hand out to Katie, he said, ‘Hello, love,’ and she answered, ‘Hello, Mr Bill.’ Then she bent and kissed Fiona. But as she straightened up, she said, ‘You all right, Mam?’

  ‘Fine. Fine.’

  ‘What d’you think about these two?’

  ‘Not much, never have.’ And to this there was hooting and cries of ‘Many a true word spoken in jest.’

  Willie and Daisy were standing before them now, he in front of Fiona and Daisy in front of Bill. When, nodding from one to the other, Daisy had got as far as saying, ‘Our main purpose for…I mean, my main purpose for coming here today all dressed up and my face naked—’ she couldn’t go on for the laughter and jibes, Sammy crying, ‘You look barefaced,’ and Katie cried, ‘You look lovely, Daisy. Lovely.’

  Willie shouted, ‘Shut up, you lot!’ Then looking at his mother, he said, ‘We came to tell you we were engaged.’ And, turning his look on Bill, he said, ‘I wanted to tell you outside, Dad, but the car—’ He now tossed his head from side to side, as he added, ‘Well, the car was more important at that moment,’ which brought him such a push from Daisy that it was only Fiona’s arm going out that stopped him toppling onto the nearest chair.

  Daisy was again looking at Bill and saying, ‘But it’s a lovely car. Beautiful. And you’re kind, as ever. I’ve got to give you that.’ She was bobbing her head at him now. ‘You may be…no, you are a great Big Bawling Chief, but’—her voice dropped—‘you’re a very kind Bawling Chief, and it’s our house that knows it.’ And with this she leaned forward, and when she went to kiss him, he put his arms around her and she fell onto his knee amid more laughter.

  On her feet once more, she said, ‘And, you know, you’re going to be my father-in-law. Coo! Lord! Anyway, you’ll have plenty of time to get used to it before Christmas and the big event.’

  ‘What!’ The ‘what’ came both from Katie and Sammy and Katie yelled, ‘You’re not, are you? You’re not?’

  ‘No, I’m not,’ said Daisy. Now she was pushing at Katie. ‘Of course, I’m not. It’s like you two; it’ll be years. But I wanted to put the fear of God into him.’

  After she had kissed him, Bill had sat back and just looked at this young girl. If ever there had been a rough diamond in this world, it had been her. Look what she had done to turn into this beautiful butterfly on the outside, the while inside she had been preparing herself to come up to Willie’s standard of upbringing. And he would like to bet, ten to one, she would outdo him in brains before very long. And how would he like that? He looked at Willie, who was now standing with his arm around Daisy’s waist, and he thought ruefully, he won’t mind. He’ll just be proud of her. In fact, he could see him helping her along that mental road, for Willie too had a good brain on him. Acknowledgement of this fact made him more aware of his own deficiencies, and he asked himself, why he couldn’t be happy for this lovely being at his side wanting to improve her mind? Oh, he didn’t want to go into it all again. It was the way he was made. But he would have to do something about it, for were he to bring his real feeling out into the open concerning her, they would all hate his guts. Look how Katie had turned on him that day.

  IF YOU CAN’T BEAT ’EM, JOIN THEM.

  The words ran like an illuminated advert through his mind, and he repeated them to himself, ‘If you can’t beat ’em, join them.’ It was an idea. But what would he take up? What could he take up? Good God! There was plenty to choose from. And he was no dullard; he had a brain all right, and with a little effort he could turn it into any channel he liked. Oh dear! Here he was, thinking big again. Well, why not? In this case, why not? And there was no need for him to come home and work at nights like he often did. At the moment it was like keeping dogs and barking yourself; there were others on the site to do what he did now. So an hour or so a night could be given over to …

  There was the sound of a commotion in the hall and Sammy cried, ‘It’s Nell.’ And when he hurried down the room and opened the door, Nell was about to push it from the other side. When she saw them all together in the room, she said, ‘What’s this? Having a party already?’

  Bert, coming in behind her, called, ‘Hello, there, Sammy. Hello, there, Katie.’

  Then Nell, who had stared at Daisy for a moment, exclaimed, ‘Why! Daisy, you look…’

  ‘Don’t say it, Mrs Nell. I’m respectably dressed. I’m barefaced, but that’s the only change in me; inside I’m just the same. My mouth will tell you that.’

  ‘She’s not just the same, Nell,’ Willie was crying now. ‘She never will be again. We are engaged.’

  ‘Eng…engaged? Oh! Lovely! Lovely! Congratulations, dear!’ Nell was kissing Daisy and Bert was shaking Willie’s hand; and then Nell said to Fiona, ‘What d’you think of this, eh?’ Although, in her own heart and soul she was thinking, oh, dear me! Oh, dear me! Another trial.

  Bill was now asking Bert where the children were, and Nell answered for him, saying, ‘Well, where they always are, upstairs in the nursery.’ Then looking over the back of the couch to where Katie and Sammy were standing, she called, ‘Now, you’re all set. That’s the pair of you.’ Only for Bill to pull himself to the edge of the couch and say ‘You don’t know the half of it, nosy. Look, Willie, run upstairs and bring Gran and Mamie down, and the children. This event, and others to be revealed to you, Mr and Mrs Ormesby, deserve a toast. And you, Sammy and Katie, go and bring in some sherry and glasses and a tray of lemonade for the children.’

  When Mrs Vidler entered the room with Mamie and the three children, followed by Willie, she hesitated for a moment while looking up the room to where Daisy was standing. Then she exclaimed, ‘Good gracious, Daisy! I…’ She stopped. And Daisy, walking towards her, said, ‘I know what you’re going to say, Mrs Vidler; you hardly knew me. And it’s me, all right. You’ve only got to listen to me, haven’t you?’

  ‘Oh, my dear girl—’ but what she would have added was interrupted by the clinking of glasses on the tray Sammy was carrying into the room. But she wasn’t to be denied. ‘Are we going to have a party?’ she called out to her daughter.

  ‘Not quite, Mother,’ said Fiona, and something in her voice made Mrs Vidler walk over to her and ask, ‘Are you all right, dear?’

  ‘Yes, Mother, perfectly all right. Come and sit down here.’

  When Mrs Vidler sat down, she glanced about her as she said, ‘All the family’s here except Mark. That’s nice, isn’t it? It isn’t often we’re all together now.’ The next five minutes were taken up with the clatter of glasses and settling the children with their mugs of lemonade. Mamie was seated beside Angela and in the process of pushing the end of her handkerchief into the top of the child’s dress and saying, ‘You don’t want your frock splashed, do you? Becaus
e this is the one you like.’

  Daisy stopped in front of her, saying, ‘Still busy at your nursing, Mamie?’

  ‘I…I wouldn’t call it nursing, Daisy, not real nursing.’ The words came slow but clear.

  ‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said Daisy. ‘I’m told that children’s nursing is more trying than looking after adults.’

  Mamie looked up into Daisy’s face as she said, ‘I’m so glad you’re going to marry Willie, because Willie’s nice. He’s like Sep, isn’t he?’

  For a moment Daisy couldn’t find an answer to this, until a quick thought flashed through her mind, and she said, ‘Yes, they both have many of the same qualities, the main one being that they’re kind.’

  Then she was given another question before she had time to remark on the previous statement.

  ‘Will Sep be coming today?’

  ‘Oh, not today, I don’t think. He’s…’ She couldn’t say that Sep was going to a disco tonight, but she also knew that if he had been invited up here he would have jumped at the chance. She saw the disappointment plain on the girl’s face and she heard herself saying, ‘He’ll likely be over tomorrow; that’s if you would like him to come and give you a game.’

  ‘Oh; oh, yes, I would like that. Yes.’

  ‘Well…well, I’ll tell him.’

  ‘Thank you. Thank you, Daisy.’

  What she must do is tell Willie, and get him to ask Sep over. She’d have to have a talk with their Sep. He was very fond of Mamie, she knew that, but fond wasn’t enough. And the girl was quite normal now. Quiet, yes, but quite normal. At times she talked very sensibly and thoughtfully. And what was more, she was quite rich in her own way. But Sep wasn’t the mercenary type and he had taken to her from the first time he saw her, and she certainly hadn’t been very attractive-looking then, and had been petrified of Sep. It would be odd, wouldn’t it, if…‘Oh, all right! All right! I can hear you.’ She was answering Bill, and he countered with, ‘Well, if you can hear me, come over here and stand near this bloke that you’ve inveigled into giving you a ring…By the way, where’s your ring?’

  ‘I haven’t got one.’

  This brought remarks from all around the room, ‘You haven’t got a ring?’

  ‘No. I wouldn’t have one. Willie wanted me to have one; in fact, he had it picked out for me, but I wouldn’t have it.’

  Bill’s words came slowly now as he said, ‘Would you mind telling me your reason for not having a ring, when you tell me you’re engaged to be married? It’s usually done with a ring.’

  ‘Well, I’m not a usual human being, as you know. So I said, no ring until I know how…’ She stopped and glanced at Willie, and they exchanged a smile before she turned to where Fiona was now sitting on the edge of the couch, and her voice was soft as she said, ‘I wanted to know how I was going to be received first; or if I would be received. I wasn’t going to put myself where I wasn’t wanted.’ This caused the concerted response, ‘Oh, Daisy!’ And Bill exclaiming, ‘Did you ever hear anything like it in your life? She’s got a nerve, you know, when you think of it.’

  ‘Dad! Get on with it, will you?’ And to this Bill answered, ‘I can’t get on with it until I’m offered a glass; until we’re all offered a glass.’

  There was a scramble now to bring the tray of glasses round, and when everyone had a glass in his hand, Bill looked at the pair in front of him, and began, ‘Willie is my son,’ then paused, and in the pause Willie bit tight on his lower lip because he really felt that this man was his father, not the man he had never known and whom, by all accounts, he wouldn’t have liked. This man, he could say, he loved.

  Bill had resumed his toast, ‘And if I’d had to choose a wife for him from all the smart, beautiful and clever girls in this town…in this county, I would have picked on Daisy Gallagher. So, let’s drink to them both.’

  As the glasses were raised and voices mingled, crying, ‘To Daisy and Willie. To Daisy and Willie.’ Bill said, ‘Just stand where you are and hold on to your hats, so to speak. And Mrs Vidler, would you mind moving your carcass from the couch for a minute and standing by me?’

  ‘Not at all, sir. Not at all. How could anyone resist such a polite invitation?’

  Bill now shouted to Katie and Nell, ‘Stop your giggling, you two! And listen. But first, I want you, miss.’ He now tugged Daisy from Willie’s hold and pushed her towards the couch, saying, ‘Take your seat next to your marra.’ And when Daisy was plopped down beside Fiona, they looked at each other, then laughing, they turned back to Bill who was pointing towards them as he cried, ‘There sit the two most devious people I’ve ever come across.’

  ‘We’re not!’ Fiona and Daisy’s voices were mingled in protest, and to this he answered, ‘Shut up!’ Then, looking at the others about him, he said, ‘Minnehaha there has, for your information, been attending the polytechnic for the last year or so, and she has gained three O levels, one in English, one in Social Studies and one in History.’ Exclamations of well done and good show came in high tones from the others and again Bill cried, ‘Shut up, will you! You haven’t heard it all. Moreover, some time ago, she applied to the Open University. Do you hear? The Open University. But that’s not all. She didn’t know, nor did anybody else, that my wife had secretly applied at the same time and was also preparing herself to take up a degree course in English. And this day as ever was, this very morning, they both received letters of acceptance.’

  ‘Well I never!’

  ‘Good for you!’

  ‘I can’t believe it.’

  ‘And you’ve kept this to yourself all this time?’ This was Nell’s voice above the rest. And now she was stabbing her finger into Fiona’s chest, saying, ‘I thought you and I were as close as sisters?’

  And Bill now shouted back at her, ‘Now you know, don’t you? If her husband didn’t know, why should you?’

  ‘Because, Bill, women talk to each other; they can’t get through the stupidity of men!’

  ‘Quiet, all of you!’ said Bill. ‘Let’s drink again to two wonderful people and the Open University.’

  When glasses were again raised and there was about to be more chatter, he said, ‘Just one minute. There is enough deviousness about when it is practised by two individuals, and I’m not going to add to it, so, I will come into the open. There’s a saying, “If you can’t beat ’em, join them.” And so I have decided after deliberation that I might have a shot at this Open University lark myself. There are two subjects I’ve always been interested in, one is maths—I was pretty good at maths at school, up to a certain level, of course—the other is geography. Even as a boy I could tell you the produce of most countries and their capitals and a river here and there. I loved maps. You see, and you must know that with my set-up, I can’t see me going into old age sitting watching her expanding her mind while I’m going into my dotage and spluttering over my porridge.’

  The laughter became mixed with high-voiced comments of ‘Oh, we can all see that,’ and, ‘Well, you’re near that stage now. Don’t you think it’s too late to be trying a different tack?’ And from Sammy, ‘You know, Bill, maths is not just figures; it’s mainly ideas.’

  ‘Well, sir, I’ve got the idea that I’ll put you in your place one of these days.’

  As the backchat and laughter went on, Fiona looked at this man whom she loved so dearly, who was big in all ways, but who had a flaw in him that touched on her life and could wipe out all his good points; and he knew this.

  If you can’t beat ’em, join them.

  And he would do what he said. He would take up something. It would have been quick thinking to choose maths and geography. Even if he could take those, what good would this boastful attempt do him in the end? In her case, she had seen the course at the Open University as a sort of fulfilment, and at the same time as a freeing of some part of her shackled mind. And it had been shackled by her love for him: everything had revolved around him, because he had demanded that it should.

  And so it would
go on.

  If you can’t beat ’em, join them.

  Oh, Bill Bailey! Bill Bailey!

  The End