by D. Kelly
“Fine. Hypothetically speaking, how long?”
I can’t stand the two of them staring at me like I’m broken or something. “Last night I had some nightmares. They were some of the worst ones I’ve had in years. I couldn’t get out of them. No matter how hard I tried to wake up, I couldn’t. Mel heard, and she … she saved me from them and then stayed with me until I was okay. When I was in her arms, I felt loved. I’m well aware of how much I sound like a girl, but there’s no other way to describe it. I’m not sure I knew until right then how fucked I really am.”
Darren exhales. “What are you going to do now? If you’re not going to tell him, what is your plan?”
“To stay away, switch buses here and there, something. I won’t fuck Noah over, not ever again.”
“Oh, honey.” Anna wraps her arm around my shoulder. “You didn’t fuck him over the first time. All this guilt you carry should be a burden split between the two of you. He didn’t know she was your permanent fuck buddy, and you didn’t know he had feelings for her until it was too late.”
“She’s right, man, you’ve got to let this shit go.”
“Hey, guys, Warren wants to see us on our bus. Anna, babe, can you go hang out with the girls on Mel’s bus?” Wyatt bends down to kiss Anna, and Darren and I head toward the bus, giving them a few minutes of alone time. I’m sure this isn’t going to be a quick meeting.
When we enter the bus, Noah is glaring at me, and it pisses me off. Wyatt follows quickly after us, and once we’re all seated, Warren clears his throat.
“Sawyer, is there something you want to tell us?”
“Nope,” I say, leaning back and crossing my arms over my chest. Fuck them all for doubting me.
“You were high last night, Sawyer.” Damn, I’d like to punch his condescending attitude right out of him.
“I was, Noah. What are you going to do, retire even sooner? Pretty sure I don’t need to play by your rules anymore.”
“Dude, Sawyer, come on … tell him what really happened,” Darren pleads, but I’m angry now and want to be difficult.
“I got laid. That was hot. She even let me fuck her in the—”
“Stop. I don’t even want you to finish that sentence,” Warren interrupts.
“Do you see? I’m not exaggerating. He’s being a bigger asshole than normal. Tell me it’s not drugs.”
“It’s not drugs,” Darren and I say in unison, and Noah throws up his hands.
“Then, for the love of God, would you tell me what is going on with you? And last night it was drugs, so explain that away while you’re at it.”
Flying out of my seat, unable to hold back my anger any longer, I finally let loose on Noah. “I’m pissed at you! Is that what you want to hear? You fucked up my entire life plan. Everything single thing I do revolves around you. How tired you are, how much you want a family, how you’re done with touring. You don’t want me to do drugs, and you don’t want me to be happy with my band, and you sure as fuck never want me to get the girl. Tell me, Noah, at what point is it finally acceptable for me to be an asshole because I’m pissed off?”
A stunned silence echoes through the bus, but it’s Noah’s brokenhearted expression and tear-filled eyes that make me stumble back and fall into my seat. Why am I such a dick to him?
“I’m sorry, that was completely uncalled for,” I mutter as Noah wipes away a single tear, refusing to meet my eyes. “Look, I’m tired. I didn’t sleep well last night, which I’m sure tends to happen when someone slips you drugs. She told me it was mint. I thought I had bad breath, shit went downhill from there and apparently hasn’t stopped.”
“Wait, she drugged you? Sawyer, that’s a crime and a serious allegation.” Warren’s shocked tone matches Wyatt and Noah’s expressions.
“Not one I can prove easily, and it’s not a story I want in the press. It would go viral in a hot second, and I’m not going out like that. The rock star who got drugged by a groupie. Nope, not happening.”
“Sawyer, you have to go to the doctor,” Noah pleads. “You’ve got no clue what she gave you.”
“It was Molly, X, the love drug, whatever you want to call it. I’ve had it once or twice before, and it wasn’t a favorite then. It was less of a favorite last night. On the plus side, it’s nothing I want to do again, so there’s that.”
Wyatt’s brow furrows. “Why did you still have sex with her?”
“Molly enhances everything. She smelled so fucking good, and we were well on our way to fucking when it kicked in. I was upset for a second, but there was nothing I wanted more at that moment than sex. And before anyone bothers to ask, we used protection.”
Warren is texting away on his phone, and Noah is still looking at me with a mixture of sadness and confusion.
“Do you even remember us coming in last night? You broke our only rule, Sawyer.”
“I’m lucky I knew my own name. All I could think about was sex, and the only thing I wanted to do was fuck. I know it sounds crass, and I’m sorry, but it’s what happened. I do remember you coming in and saying something … but I was so lost in the sensations of everything else I didn’t hear a word you said. If it makes you feel any better, I apologized to Mel over breakfast.”
“Oh, you mean one of the girls I never want you to get?”
Shit.
“I didn’t say that.”
“Really? I’m pretty sure you alluded to it about five minutes ago,” he snaps back.
“Enough, you two!” Warren yells, interrupting what could likely be a fight that would prove fatal to my relationship with my brother. I’ve never been more grateful to him for breaking up our arguing.
“Sawyer, a nurse is coming by to draw your blood. We need to be sure everything is okay with you. We’re also doing an STD panel, and since we’re doing yours, we’re going to do one on all of you.”
“Even me?”
“Yes, Wyatt, even you. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you couldn’t cheat.”
“Seriously?”
“That’s messed up,” I reply, defending poor Wyatt.
“I know he won’t cheat, but you’re the ones who signed the contract with the label agreeing to twice-a-year testing. Take it up with legal if you want it out of your contract. I’m only the messenger here.”
“There’s no point. We’re almost done touring for good anyway,” Wyatt replies, and it feels like he’s just pouring salt in my wounds.
“Are we finished? Does anyone seriously think I’m back on drugs? Because I have to admit your lack of faith in me kind of sucks.”
“We’re good,” Wyatt and Darren agree.
Noah shrugs. “Whatever, I’m over it.”
I hate being at odds with Noah, but I’m not a drug addict, and he’s acting childish. Granted, I shouldn’t have gone off on him, but still.
“Okay, good. I have another matter to discuss, and since no one has mentioned it, I’m assuming it’s not a known fact. Amelia’s birthday is in two days. Do we want to do anything for her?”
The pleasure I get from Noah’s shocked expression is like a gift on Christmas morning. Normally, I’d feel bad for him, but not today.
“We’re going to be in the middle of nowhere,” Noah mutters.
“There’s got to be a bakery somewhere along the way. We can at least get her a cake,” I offer.
“Yeah, totally, and where there’s cake, there’s candles and probably balloons,” Darren adds.
“We could get pizza. We know what kind she likes now,” Wyatt says.
“If she didn’t want us to know, we should keep it low-key. Maybe just pizza, cake, and tequila shots,” Noah replies thoughtfully.
“After everything with her dad and her birthday, maybe she prefers not to celebrate for a reason, but I wanted you guys to know because she’s part of our crew now.”
They chat about Mel’s birthday as I let Warren’s words sink in. She is part of our crew now. She�
�s blended in seamlessly with us all from day one. It’s like she’s meant to be here. Like it’s fate, and if it’s fate … she’s definitely meant to be Noah’s girl.
Wyatt pulls me from my thoughts. “Sawyer, are you ready?”
“Sorry, guys, I didn’t hear you. Ready for what?” When I look up, they’re all standing.
“To go to the venue for rehearsal and sound check. We do have a show tonight, or did you forget that as well?” Noah’s words are sharp.
“Actually, can you guys give Noah and me a couple of minutes please?”
Once they all leave the bus, I motion for Noah to sit with me. “We can’t go on stage like this. I hate fighting with you. I’m hoping we can clear the air.”
Noah runs his hands through his hair and exhales loudly. “I’m not sure what we’re clearing the air for.”
“Do you believe me that I didn’t take those drugs knowingly?”
“I want to believe you, but you’ve been hiding so much else from me lately I’m not sure I know anything about you anymore.”
And we’re back full circle. “I don’t hide things from you. I just choose not to talk about my feelings until I’ve worked them out. My issues aren’t your problem, and I’m sorry I made it out to be that way.”
“Sawyer, I know how you are, and I love you all the same. I’m not sure I can say the same about your feelings for me. Answer the next question for me honestly, and no matter what the answer is, we’ll work it out.”
“Okay.” I know it’s coming, and I have to tell him the truth.
“Do you have feelings for Mel?”
“Yes.”
There, I said it, and even though he flinches, he nods.
“Is that why you didn’t tell me about the kiss?”
“No. It was a good kiss, I won’t lie about that. But what I said was the truth. She chose you, and I respect that. That’s where our story ends.”
“Then why all the hostility? Why do you act like you hate me?” His voice drops several octaves, and he’s blinking back tears. Noah has always been the twin most likely to show his true feelings, and making him cry has never been something I’ve been the cause of, until lately.
“I could never hate you. Maybe I’m jealous. Maybe I’m just pissed I haven’t gotten my way this time. You’ve done nothing wrong except not believe me about the drugs. That killed me inside. Knowing you don’t trust me when it comes to something important like that shows how much we’ve drifted the past year. No more drifting, Noah. You’re as much a part of me as I am you, and this has to stop.”
He pulls me into a hug and wipes his tears as he releases me. “Why are you jealous?”
“I’m not sure exactly. I guess because you know what you want with your life. Because you can quit our band and never look back and have zero regrets.”
“Is that what you think? Jesus, Sawyer, quitting the band is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Why do you think I want us to go into business together? I’m quitting touring, but I’d never quit you. For someone who shows the world a massive amount of self-confidence on the outside you’d think maybe some of that would rub off on the inside, where it actually matters.”
“I’m fine.”
He vehemently shakes his head. “You’re not, Sawyer. You are lonely, and you’re afraid to let people into your world. I love Mel, but in a way, I’m sorry she pushed you away.”
“What? Why?”
“Because if you would have let her in, maybe you’d understand you’re worthy of so much more than you give yourself credit for.”
“I’m not sure about all that. Besides, there will be other girls, Noah. She’s the one for you, and I’m fine. All the other stuff on top of being rejected just threw me, you know?”
“I’m in love with her,” he blurts, and I laugh.
“That’s been obvious for a while, big brother.”
“I’m such a loser.”
Now it’s my turn to pep talk him. We’re quite the pair.
“You’re not a loser. Does she know?”
“No way, it’s too fast.”
“You know what Mom always says about love.”
“It’s never too fast if it’s right,” we echo in unison. And it’s true; I finally understand what she’s been saying all these years. Too bad we both fell for the same girl.
“Don’t rush it. Tell Mel you love her when you think she’s ready to hear it. She’s got enough of her own issues. Your love isn’t going anywhere, so just take your time.”
“Now you sound like Mom.” A smile breaks through, and I’m glad we’re getting past the other crap. I hate fighting with him. “What about us? Are we cool? Because I’m tired of playing this hot and cold game with you.”
“Give me a few days. I’m still pissed off about what happened last night, and I know I’m going to keep being a dick. I’ll be good by Vegas, especially since we’re going home afterward. I need some family time. Some Saylor and Emme time.”
Noah smiles wide at the thought of our nieces. “All right, I’ll give you space. But Sawyer, I have to ask … your feelings for Mel …”
“You have nothing to worry about, Noah. You love her, and I’m pretty sure she’s on her way to loving you if she doesn’t already. The two of you are damn near perfect. Mom’s going to love her.”
“Yeah, okay. God, I do love her. It feels so fucking good to say that out loud to someone. She’s nervous to meet the family, but she’ll fit right in.”
“Come on, you guys! I hate to rush your brotherly reunion, but Warren is practically shitting his pants out here.”
On the outside, I’m laughing with Noah at Darren’s exaggeration, but on the inside, a part of me is dying. Whatever fantasy I had is over. Noah is in love.
Birthday
Everyone is still in a strange state of unease, but we agreed to try and shove it aside for the birthday girl. Noah and I are keeping to ourselves, Wyatt and Darren have been keeping to their bus, even Warren has been unusually quiet in the midst of everything that went down with Noah and me. Admitting I had feelings for Mel probably wasn’t my brightest idea, but it’s alleviated a bit of the ache I was carrying around with me. Hopefully, it’s a start to getting her out of my system. Last night, before I went to bed, the two of them were arguing because Mel didn’t tell Noah about her birthday, but it didn’t last long, so I’m guessing they worked it out.
“Good morning, Princess,” I say as Mel makes her way into the kitchen. She’s just like me and goes straight to the coffee pot before replying. Once she’s set with her cup and makes her way to the couch, she finally responds.
“Good morning. Do you know too?”
“Don’t be so moody about it,” I reply while pressing send on my phone. I had a text cued up and ready to go for when I knew the cat was out of the bag that we all know about it being her birthday.
I sent her a link for “Happy Birthday” by New Kids on The Block, and when the notification on her phone goes off, she eyes me suspiciously.
She laughs when she hears what it is and puts her coffee on the table. As her fingers fly rapidly over the keyboard, I wonder what in the world she could be sending me in response. Grabbing her coffee once again, she leans back in smug satisfaction right when my phone dings.
Princess: It’s not a big deal…
The link she attaches is so appropriate for her attitude—Aaliyah’s “Age Ain’t Nothing But A Number”. Too bad she’s just using the title to get back at me because the lyrics are suggestive as fuck and I could only wish she meant them for me.
“You guys haven’t, like, planned anything for today, have you?”
“What did Noah say?”
“I didn’t ask. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings if he did. I’m just not a birthday person, Sawyer. Not since … well, you know …”
“I know, but birthdays are for celebrating, Princess. I promise if there’s something planned it can’t be too ove
r the top. We’re driving through the middle of nowhere today. We could do a commemorative group selfie at a rest stop if you want to.”
With a waggle of my eyebrows, she bursts into laughter.
“That’s totally gross, but thanks for thinking of me.”
“You sure? I mean, I bet we could find a urinal cake to sing Happy Birthday around.”
Tears are streaming down her cheeks, and my heart is bursting with pride knowing I made her laugh hard enough to cry.
“Oh my God, stop. It’s a hard pass on the urinal cake, but I can get you one for your birthday if it’s something you’ve always wished for.”
“Don’t you dare. Chocolate for me, and vanilla for Noah. Never marble, that’s just a cop-out.”
She gazes at me with those gorgeous hazel eyes of hers. “The plot thickens. Another way you two are different.”
“Another one? Fill me in. What other ways are we different?”
Blushing, she shrugs. “I’m still trying to fill in the gaps, but this is what I know so far. You’re more intense, and Noah is more laid back. Noah is an open book, and you’re cautiously guarded. But where I feel like Noah probably makes friends easily, you don’t, and the ones you do have you’ll protect fiercely.”
“That’s it?” The words come out soft because the truth of the matter is, she nailed us perfectly.
“For differences, for now. The two of you are more alike than different.”
“How so?”
Tucking her feet beneath her, she gives me a sweet smile. “You both have an immense love of family. You’re both giving of your time and attention to anyone. Neither of you treats anyone as less than. I’ve seen you both out there helping with gear and setting up mics and stuff when you have the time. You spend time with the drivers.”
“Noah gets a bit carsick at the big window.”
“It happens to the best of us. Belle isn’t a fan either, but that’s beside the point. The two of you let me crash on your bus and into your life with open arms. I know it’s for the book, but none of you guys have treated me like an outsider, and I truly appreciate it.”
“I’ll let you in on a secret. Each of the other people we interviewed all felt like outsiders. Princess, you’re the only one who felt like a part of us from the moment we met. The five of us agreed in minutes, and that rarely happens. We were about to scrap the book.”
