Dedication
To my parents, Tommy and Hilda, for their wisdom, love, and support.
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
The Caravan
Commuter
Not Maud Gonne
Saoirse
Slut Stings
Tabernacle
Aisling
Cover Girl
Where Water Dreams
Blessings
Damsel in Distressed
Twenty-Five
Sweet Sensations
Fellas
Train
Incubus
Conch
Rise
Milk Bath
Wentletrap
Theories of Literature
Batman
Results
The Cure
Power Take-Off
The Wake
Caterpillar
Stairs
Hotel World
Technical Love
Drinking Lessons
Driving Lessons
8th December
Alice in the Arcade
Hedgehog
Wizard’s Sleeve
Mad Cow
Coffee
Snow
Smooth Artemis
First Impressions
Twelve Pubs
Inside
Nelly
Sandman
Reason
Ophelia
Lady Bracknell
Snowflakes
The Curiosity Cabinet
Dandelion
Gloria
The Diviner
Amuse-Bouche
The Yellow Bookshop
Silver Island
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Copyright
About the Publisher
The Caravan
My uncle Billy lives in a caravan in a field at the back of my house. The first time I saw another caravan on the road I thought that someone—another child—had kidnapped him on me. It was only then that I learned caravans were meant to move. Billy’s caravan never went anywhere. It was plonked on a bed of concrete blocks, right beside me from the day I was born.
I used to visit Billy at night when I was too afraid to go to sleep. Billy said that I was only allowed out of the house if I could see the moon from my window and if I brought him wishes from the garden. On the night of my eighth birthday, the sight of a round, fat moon sent me straight down the stairs and out the back door, the wet grass on my bare feet, the thorns of the hedge grabbing me, pulling me back by the sleeves of my pajamas.
I knew where the wishes hung out. A coven of them grew close to the caravan on the other side of the hedge. I picked them one by one, satisfied by the soft snap of stem and sticky juice of severed end, the bump of one fluffy white head into another. I cupped my hand around them as though protecting candles from the wind, careful not to knock off a single wisp of wish and lose it to the night.
I twirled the syllables around my head as I collected them—dandelion, dandelion, dandelion. Earlier that day, we had looked up the word in the big dictionary underneath Billy’s bed. He explained that it came from the French term—dents de lion—lion’s teeth. The dandelion began as a pretty thing and the petals of its skirt were pointy and yellow like a tutu.
“This is its daytime dress but the flower eventually needs to go to sleep. It withers and looks tired and haggard and just when you think its time is up”—Billy held up his fist—“it turns into a clock.” He uncurled his fingers and produced a white candy-floss dandelion from behind his back. “A puff-ball moon. A holy communion of wishes.” He let me blow the wishes away like birthday candles. “A constellation of dreams.”
Billy marveled at the bouquet of wishes I presented to him when he opened the caravan door. I picked as many as I could find to impress him.
“I knew it,” he said. “I just knew that the moon would come out for your birthday.”
We filled an empty jam jar with water and blew the cottony heads of the dandelions into it, their feathers floating on the meniscus like tiny swimmers lying on their backs. I closed the lid on the jar and shook the wishes, celebrating them, watching them dance. We left the jar on top of a dank stack of newspapers to stare out of the caravan’s plastic window.
Billy heated a saucepan of milk on the hob of his gas cooker. His kitchen looked like a toy I hoped to get for Christmas. It always surprised me when it worked in real life. He let me stir the milk until it bubbled and formed little white sheets of skin that I pulled away with the back of a spoon. He poured in the chocolate powder and I whisked the spoon around and around until my arm hurt. We tipped the steaming brown stream into a flask and brought it up to the roof to watch the stars.
It took days for the dandelion seeds to fully submerge in the jar. They clung to the surface, hanging from their ceiling of water until it seemed like they either gave up or got bored. Just when the world thought they were goners, tiny little green shoots appeared like plant mermaids growing tails underwater. Billy called me to come over and marvel at the stubborn little yokes, the wishes that refused to die.
* * *
Today is my eighteenth birthday. I’m a bit nervous knocking on Billy’s door. I don’t really visit him at night anymore. The outside of the caravan is cold against my knuckles. It has a lining of rubber along the sides like a fridge door. I dig my nails into the squishiness and tear a bit away. It comes off in a smooth strip like a sliver of fat off a ham. There is a shuffle of papers and the squeeze of steps across the floor. Billy opens the door and tries his best not to seem surprised to see me.
“Well,” he says, making his way back to his armchair.
“Sleeping Beauty,” I greet him. He didn’t get up for milking this morning and I had to do it for him.
“Yeah, sorry about that.”
“On my birthday and all,” I say.
“Oh fucking hell.” He grimaces. “It’s a wonder St. James didn’t leave you in the leaba.”
“He didn’t know. Mam forgot to tell him.”
“We’re an awful shower. What one is it anyway? Sweet sixteen?”
“Egotistic eighteen.”
It’s a small victory to see his face scrunch into an amused grin. I wait until he turns his back to fill the kettle.
“The offers for college came out today,” I say.
He turns off the tap and looks back to me. “Was that today?”
“Yeah. I got into Trinity. I’m starting next week.”
He looks sad. Then he grips his hands on both sides of my shoulders and lets out a sigh. “I’m fucking delighted for you.”
“Thanks.”
“Fuck the tea,” he says, waving the idea away. “Fuck the tea, I’ll get the whiskey.”
He rummages around in the press. Plates rattle and a tower of bowls topples over. Billy attempts to knee the avalanche of crockery back into place. I want to clean up the mess to have something to do, but then he stands up, emerging from the press triumphant with a bottle of Jameson.
“Happy birthday, Debs,” Billy says.
“Thanks.” I take the bottle of whiskey from him like it’s a prize in a raffle.
We’re both standing awkwardly. I really don’t want it to be my idea. I’m supposed to be an adult. I can’t beg for things to happen anymore.
“There’s a clear sky up there tonight,” he says, finally.
“It’s also fucking freezing,” I say.
“There’s a hot water bottle in the press if you want it.” Billy reaches up to the door in the ceiling and pulls down the fold-up ladder to the roof. He stomps up the steps in his boots, trailing his sleeping bag behind him like a child going to bed.
I boil the
kettle. The odd contents of the caravan peer at me. A wooden model of an old-fashioned aeroplane dangles over his bed. A tiny man is sitting on it as though it’s a swing, a pair of binoculars in his hands. We christened him Pierre because he has a mustache.
The hot rubber of the water bottle warms my hands. I climb the steps of the ladder two by two until the night wind splashes my face. It feels like being on a boat. We crawl into our cocoons of sleeping bags and lie down on the galvanized metal sheet that covers Billy’s home. The roof is cold and slippery under my hands. It feels like lying on a block of ice. We look at the sky as though it depends on us to hold it up there.
The view from the roof of the caravan is the only thing that doesn’t get smaller the older I get. We can hear the cows’ hooves swishing through the grass. They come mooching over and sniff around the place to see what’s happening. I inhale the dank, musty sweat of the caravan off the sleeping bag. Billy smells of cigarettes and diesel. The sleeves of his jumper dangle over his fingerless woolen gloves. A hedge of stubble prickles around his mouth and reaches across his cheekbones to join up with the hair behind his ears.
“You have a story for me,” Billy says.
“I don’t feel like a story.”
“You do,” he says. “I’ll pick a star.”
I pretend to be unenthusiastic and fidget with the zip of my sleeping bag. I tuck my hair behind my ear and wait for him to land on a star.
“Can you see the North Star?”
“No, it’s only the brightest star in the sky.”
“It’s not, actually. The Dog Star is the brightest.”
“You told me the North Star was.”
“Well, I was wrong.”
“That’s a shocker.”
“So you see it? I’ve shown you it before?”
“Only a couple hundred times, Billy, but you told me it was the brightest star in the sky.”
“It’s the second brightest.”
“And I’m supposed to figure out the second brightest star?”
“It’s the one with the W near it.”
“Yes, I know, it’s the one that seems like the brightest . . . but it’s not.”
“I’m just checking we’re talking about the same one. Fucking hell. So, you see those five stars that make the wonky W near it?”
I squint up at the sky and try to connect the dots. I used to pretend I was able to see what Billy saw. I hate the effort of trying and still not being able to make things out. As far as I can tell it’s like reading braille, only using lights that shine from billions upon billions of miles away. There are too many—the crowd of them all staring back at me is overwhelming.
The older I get, the more of an effort I make. Billy breaks the stars down into pictures and stories, and makes it easier to distinguish between them. The W is one of the easier ones to spot.
“Yeah, I know it,” I say. “The one that looks like a rocking chair.”
“Exactly,” he says. I look over at his index finger pointing up, tracing the stars together in smooth, straight lines. “Cassiopeia’s chair.”
“I remember her.”
“Right so—tell me about her.”
“You know the story, Billy,” I say.
“I haven’t heard you tell it before.”
I sigh to buy some time. The characters are beginning to congregate in my mind.
“Go on then,” Billy prompts.
“Cassiopeia was a queen in a past life—the wife of Cepheus,” I explain. “He’s up there too. Cassiopeia was gas. She was lovely like, but people thought she was strange. She wore her hair loose and went around in her bare feet all the time, which people found shocking because she was supposed to be royalty. She gave birth to a daughter called Andromeda and she brought her up to love and respect herself—a radical idea, back in the day. Her free spirit was mistaken for arrogance. Word got out that there was this hippie queen going around barefoot, loving herself and teaching her daughter to do the same. Poseidon wasn’t having any of it. He decided to remind humans that they could not run the show. So he sent a sea monster to destroy her husband’s kingdom. Cassiopeia was told that the only way to save the kingdom was to sacrifice her daughter, so she did. She chained Andromeda to a rock at the edge of a cliff and left her for dead.”
“The bitch,” Billy says.
“Well, she had no choice. It was either that or let the monster kill everyone.”
“The Greeks were fucking nuts. Can I guess what happened to Andromeda?”
“You can.”
“Rescued by prince charming?”
“Of course,” I say.
Billy passes me the bottle of whiskey. It burns my throat.
“Perseus killed the sea monster on his way back from slaying Medusa, and Andromeda was obliged to marry him out of courtesy,” I say.
“Classic. And what happened to Cassiopeia?”
I point up to her. “She’s up there in her rocking chair. Poseidon tied her to it so that as she circles the North Pole, she is upside down. She’s stuck in that chair, spinning until the end of time.”
“Jesus,” Billy says. “Spending half your time upside down. It might make you see the world differently.”
“I’d just be dizzy.”
“Maybe you would at first, but you might get used to it.”
“I’m happy with gravity, thanks.”
“Happy enough for me to push you off this roof?”
He shoves my sleeping bag so hard that I roll over and scream. “You prick, Billy! That’s not funny.”
“Not a fan of the birthday bumps?”
“Stop it,” I say, but I’m happy and warm inside. I think about my story and take another swig from the bottle. The first sip of whiskey has already sent me spinning up toward the sky.
Commuter
It’s my first day of university and I’ve missed the train. Billy insisted that I’d make it. He was late finishing up the milking before dropping me off at the station. So now I’m going to be late. I don’t know what I’m late for, exactly. Maybe I should try and make friends. I’m nervous that all the good ones will be gone by noon. It’s orientation week and I have seen films set on college campuses. If I’m going to bump into my future best friend or lover, it will happen on my first day.
I’ve only ever been to Dublin in December. Billy brings me up to see the Christmas lights every year. My first memory of Dublin is waiting to get the bus home from O’Connell Bridge with Billy when I was five or six. When the bus finally came, it was a relief just to get onto it to shelter from the lashing rain and the wind that was turning umbrellas inside out. Billy tapped the driver’s window and showed him a ten-euro note. He folded it up and tried to squish it down the coin slot like he was doing a magic trick.
The driver looked at him. “What am I supposed to do with that?”
Billy took out the note and made way for the passengers behind us to pay their fare. “Sure you’ve plenty of change there, boss,” he said, nodding at the clinking sound the coins made.
“Do I look like a slot machine?” The driver stared at us until Billy backed away.
We got off the bus and back into the rain. We always got the train after that.
It was strange to see Billy around people he didn’t know. He wasn’t as sure of himself. When he made me hold his hand, I didn’t know if it was for my benefit or his.
Still, we found a way to navigate the city that suited us. The years melt into each other so that they become one: we would stop by the GPO to pay our respects to Cúchulainn and the lads, then walk across the bridge and up through Dame Street as far as Thomas Street to the bakery where a scary woman with skin like a pastry sold us fifty-cent sausage rolls. Billy once offered a cigarette to a homeless man along the canal. We sat down on a bench with him and had the kind of easy conversation some people make at the church gate after mass.
On Grafton Street, we watched a puppet in the window of Brown Thomas teasing a shoe with a hammer and nail. Toy trains wen
t chugging around their predestined paths. Billy asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I pointed at a busker painted as a bronze statue and said I wouldn’t mind being one of them because their job was to make people happy. Either that or a priest. He smiled and said, “Good luck with that.”
Billy always wanted me to apply for Trinity. “The only college worth going to. Fairly up their own holes though.” He pointed at the high stone walls and spiked railings at the side entrance on Nassau Street but we never went in. I don’t think he realized that it was open to the public. I always thought of Trinity as a reverse Shawshank Redemption situation, where you had to bribe Morgan Freeman with cigarettes and tunnel your way in.
Last year, when my school brought us to a careers fair, Morgan Freeman wasn’t manning the Trinity stand. Instead, a gray-faced woman in a navy pantsuit gave me a brochure, eyed my scruffy uniform, and told me that it took a lot of brain power to get into Trinity. She was wrong. It didn’t take much brain power at all. You don’t have to be smart to get into Trinity. You just have to be stubborn.
* * *
I lose my ticket on the train up. I only realize this at the ticket barriers at Connolly station. I go over to the box marked INFORMATION and tell the man behind the glass window what happened.
“Where did you get on at?” he asks.
“Maynooth.”
“How much was the ticket?”
“I can’t remember.”
“Can I see some identification please?”
“I don’t have any.”
“What’s your name sweetheart?”
“Debbie. Eh, Deborah White.”
“Are you over eighteen?”
“Yeah.”
“Well Deborah, you’ve got yourself a hundred euro fine.” He points to a small sign at the bottom corner of the window that reads FIXED PENALTY NOTICE and slips me a sheet of paper through the tray. I scan it: Up to twenty-one days to comply—if the penalty goes unpaid—may be subjected to a court appearance—may face a fine of up to a thousand euros upon conviction.
“I lost my ticket,” I say.
“Love, if you bought the ticket you’d remember how much it cost.”
“But I genuinely can’t.”
“I don’t know that. Show your fine to yer man at the barrier there and he’ll let you through.”
Snowflake Page 1
