Waiting on Life

by Parker Williams

  “Tell you what. You help me make some new, happier memories, and I’ll let you off the hook.”

  This time he gave me a full megawatt smile, and my insides turned to mush. I knew how much I liked him before, but now? I’d give him my right nut if he asked.

  “Don’t ask for my right nut, okay?”

  He shook his head. “I wasn’t going to.” Then he winked, which sent a shiver through my body. “At least not yet.” His phone rang, and Toby pulled it from his pocket. He glanced at the screen and groaned. “Looks like the inquisition is going to be a lot earlier than I thought. It’s Tammy.” He swiped a finger over the screen before he held the phone up to his ear. “What’s up, turkey butt?”

  The laughter from the other end was sweet and melodious. Where Toby’s voice was deep and could be considered gruff, Tammy’s voice sounded nothing like that.

  “Yes, he’s here. C’mon, Tam. It’s only a little after seven. Let him wake up before you— … Yes, but— … Fine!” He held the phone out. “For you.”

  I took the phone from him, letting my fingers caress his palm and delighting in his shiver. I brought it to my ear. “Yes?”

  “Kyle? Hi, I’m Tammy, Toby’s sister.”

  She sounded genuinely glad to talk to me, which made me insanely happy for some reason. “Hi, it’s nice to talk to you.”

  “Same here. Tell Toby to go get ready for work.”

  I peeked up at him. “Go get ready for work.”

  “I have time.”

  I raised my eyebrows, and he got the hint. With a sigh of disgust, he stood.

  “Fine. Eat your goddamn burrito.” Then he stormed off down the hall a moment before the door closed.

  “He’s such a drama queen,” Tammy said with a laugh. “At least that explains where Waldo gets it from. So, listen. I wanted to say thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “Our whole lives, Toby was… not like other guys. He’s a carer, a nurturer. He has always wanted someone to take care of. He told himself it would be a wife, but then he met you.”

  And with those words, my stomach flipped. “So he is straight?”

  “What? No, that’s not what I’m saying. Toby bought into the whole one man, one woman thing. When he met you, though? That changed his way of thinking, because the life he envisioned was possible, but not with who he thought. Toby has come to realize that you mean something to him, and that’s what he needs in order to build a strong relationship.”

  None of this was making any sense. “Why are you telling me this?”

  “I’m going to ask you for a favor. Be patient with him. Let him do things for you. I don’t know anything about you other than what Toby has said, but give him time to find his way. He’s stubborn, so you have to be too. Don’t let him decide his is the only way.”

  As if. “I won’t.”

  “Last night Toby told me you were off work for a few days. Is that right?”

  “Yeah, but I really want to go back. It’s my fault he lost his days off.”

  She chuckled. “Trust me, he won’t see it that way. Like I said, he wants to take care of you, so he won’t be upset at all. But what do you say we go out today, you and me? We can get to know each other, and I can answer any questions you have.”

  “I think I’d prefer Toby to tell me things he wants me to know. No offense.”

  The answering laugh was light, almost lyrical. “None taken, but that wasn’t what I meant. I love my brother, but he’s… a tough nut. He’s one of those stoic, nothing-bothers-me kind of people. Never take his silence as something bad. Most times it’s him processing through things. Besides, I’ll buy lunch.”

  Okay, I have to admit, now I was tempted. “Where?” I asked, just to see if it was worth the trip.

  “Anywhere you want to go.” She blew out a breath. “When Toby called last night, there was something… I don’t know. Different? For our whole lives, I’m not sure Toby has ever been truly happy. He’s dated, and he had a connection with the people he was seeing, but even when I saw them together, Toby was uncertain if things between them would work out. It wasn’t on his part. He’s an amazing man, and he’d give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. The thing was, yes, Toby got along with them on a mental level, but the… intimacy wasn’t there for them. He was hooked, but I think the women saw it as more them having fun.”

  Poor Toby. Tammy was telling me he had a big heart and other people had stomped all over it.

  “It wasn’t their fault,” she hastened to add. “Toby wanted something they weren’t prepared to give. See, he overthinks things. Sex? Yeah, that’ll take him a while to get to. He has to go through all the possibilities before he’d even consider it. He moves at a turtle’s pace, because he doesn’t believe you can rush things. Now, I don’t know if you’re looking for a commitment or even if you want a relationship, but—”

  “I think I do. I mean, we haven’t known each other all that long, but Toby makes me feel… special, I guess.”

  “That’s his gift,” she told me. “Whoever is with Toby will be the luckiest person on the planet, because they’ll be his whole world.”

  I could see that when we were at the bar. Toby’s face had gone hard and red, and he was shaking with what I assumed as anger. When Pete told me that Toby wouldn’t stop looking at me, I figured it was because he was the boss. Was there really something else there?

  “Did he tell you about his dream?”

  “You mean, the farm? Yeah, he told me.”

  She hummed. “See, he’s never shared that with anyone else outside the family. He’s never really wanted anything for himself, except that farm. He dreams of a life with one person who will see him as something more than a big guy with tattoos.”

  “I do,” I whispered. Because I did. I saw Toby with a heart bigger than anyone I’d ever met. He was kind and giving, fiercely loyal and protective.

  “I believe you do,” Tammy said. “If you didn’t, I don’t know that Toby would be that into you.”

  The memories flashed through my head. The hug, the kiss, the touches. Yes, I’d known Toby only a few weeks, but in that time, he had somehow burrowed his way into my heart.

  And I found I didn’t mind at all.

  Kyle

  “And then he tried to bandage the bird’s wing, all the while it’s squawking and squirming. Toby’s there, swearing he’s trying to make the bird feel better, and why couldn’t it just work with him.”

  I laughed at the image of six-year-old Toby holding a sparrow while trying to put something on his wing. “Why was he doing it anyway?”

  “He saw it fall from a tree, and the only thing he knew about first aid was that Mom would put a bandage on a wound and kiss it to make him feel better. That’s what he was trying to do. The thing that made it funny? When he tried to press a kiss to the wing, the bird nipped his nose. But you can’t tell Toby not to help, even when he gets bit.” She drained her glass of Sprite, then set it back down. “He’s a nurturer. He can’t stand to see anyone or anything in pain. Even if it means he feels the pain himself.”

  The more Tammy talked, the more I wanted to hear Toby’s version of the story. I know I said I wanted to hear them from Toby himself, but this was giving me an insight I doubt he’d have shared.

  “You love your brother,” I said. It was obvious from the way she talked about him. There was a smile that never left her eyes.

  “With my whole heart,” she replied. “Toby is… he’s not like anyone else around. He’s gruff, yes, and he takes no bullshit from anyone. There’s a core there that’s solid and true, though. It makes him the most reliable person I’ve ever met.” She peered into her glass, staring as though she was seeing something no one else could. “When I came out to our folks, I was terrified. I’d heard the stories of being forced into a camp, or being beaten and kicked out, or sometimes worse things. Toby found me crying in the basement one day, and he came over and wrapped me in a hug, then asked me what was wrong.
”

  Her story was breaking my heart. I knew kids like the ones she was describing.

  “And what did you say?”

  She picked up the empty glass and held it tight in her left hand, staring into it like it held answers to life’s questions. “I had decided I would keep my secret and live my life as a straight girl. I mean, I’m bisexual, so it shouldn’t be hard, right? Only… it felt like cutting myself in half and stuffing part of me back in the closet. I didn’t want to do that, and it was tearing me up inside. After the first six months, I was living a lie, and I knew it. Toby is two years younger than me, so it should have been him who was able to come to me.”

  “No, that’s not right,” I insisted. “You should be able to—”

  “I know,” she cut in, her cheeks flushing. She put down her glass. I reached for mine and handed it to her. She gave a grateful smile. “Toby read me the riot act for trying to shoulder this all by myself. He said he would never abandon me no matter what. We sat in that stuffy basement, sweat pouring from both of us. Then he asked the question that got me to, pardon the expression, man up. ‘Do you think Mom and Dad would stop loving you for even an instant? Our parents?’ And that got me thinking, and once I pushed past the stomachache and nausea, I pulled myself up and went to talk to them. I sat down, knowing I had to do this. Toby took the seat beside me and reached under the table for my hand.”

  This made me feel like I was in that moment with her, and I wanted to comfort her too, even though I knew already that it had been years ago.

  “I called them in, asked them to sit, and said, ‘Mom, Dad, I have to tell you something. I’m bisexual. I like boys and girls.’ Toby squeezed my fingers, which gave me strength. Mom looked at Dad, then back to me. She had the most puzzled expression on her face. She cocked her head and said, ‘I’m sorry, was this supposed to be a surprise? Dave, did we not already know this?’ And Dad? He pursed his lips, then said, ‘Tammy, why are you telling us something we already knew? I didn’t know it was a secret.’”

  She sniffled, and this time I did reach for her. “They sound amazing.”

  “They kinda are. Mom told me they’d known for a while and it wasn’t any big deal. They thought I could talk to them about anything, and I think it kind of hurt them that I had been keeping my secret in for so long. Even more that I was hurting and they didn’t realize.”

  “My mom is the only one who never freaked about me being gay. She thought it was awesome and told me all the time that I should be my fabulous self in every aspect of my life. The kids at school? For the most part, they shrugged and said meh, but there’s always those peabrain bastards—sorry. I shouldn’t swear.”

  “And why the fuck not?” She grinned at me. “Sometimes a swear word is needed to punctuate a sentence. Now, as you were fucking saying?”

  Oh, I liked her so much. “They hounded me whenever they could, calling me names, making snide comments and pornographic ones to boot. One guy, Greg Malone, liked to grab his crotch when I was around and ask me if I wanted to see what he was packing. He stopped when, in front of all his friends, I said that it looked like a rolled-up pair of tube socks. I never took shit from anyone. At least to their faces. Alone, in the privacy of my own room, I always wondered if I was good enough.”

  “Let me tell you something. I think you’re great. When Toby talks about you, I can hear the smile in his voice. I haven’t heard that in way too long. And so you know, if you decide that you want to be with Toby, he’ll never let you forget how incredible you are. That’s not who he is. I think it’s why his other relationships fizzled so fast. Toby got serious before they were ready.”

  I couldn’t understand that myself. Sure, we hadn’t known each other long, but I already felt comfortable around him. He didn’t look at me as swishy or twinky or anything. He looked at me like… like I mattered. I sucked in a breath when I recalled his eyes and the way they sought mine out.

  “He’s incredible. Just not sure he’s for me.”

  She frowned slightly. “That’s something only you can decide.”

  “How do I know he’s not going to jump back into the closet?”

  “Because Toby isn’t like that. He doesn’t play. If he says he’s in, then he is.”

  But how could I be sure? Well, there was one way. I just hoped it didn’t backfire on me.

  Chapter Eleven

  Toby

  “Hey, Toby.”

  I looked up to see a very tan, very relaxed-looking Cary walking in, a big smile on his bright face.

  “Cary! Welcome back. How was your trip?”

  He sighed. “It was great. Mom fed me too much, the brothers and sisters kept me up way too late talking about what was going on, and Dad wanted to go to a baseball game with me. We haven’t done that since I was a kid. I…. Miss them, ya know?”

  I did. I didn’t spend enough time with my own family, and I regretted it. When Kyle told me he was going to lunch with Tammy and asked if that was okay, I assured him it was great. She was an easy person to talk to. She got the smiles and winning personality. I got the scowls and muscles. Most people were afraid of me, but Tammy had a way of putting them at ease.

  “Was everything okay here? I mean, did you hire someone? I could have come back sooner, but—”

  “No, you were entitled to that time off, and you deserved it. Things here were… eventful. I did hire a new guy. His name is Kyle, and he’s been doing a great job.”

  “Is he here?”

  “No. He’s off for a few days because some asshole punched him when he wasn’t looking. He fell and smacked the floor pretty hard. His roommate took him to the ER. No concussion, but the doctor wanted him to take it easy for a few days.”

  “It was that bastard, Deever, wasn’t it?”

  John Deever. That was his name. I kept trying to come up with it, but it stayed just out of my reach. I made a mental note to tell Jack about it.

  “Yeah.”

  “He’s such an asshole. Acts like he’s all high and mighty, but I can’t tell you the number of times he asked if I wanted to go into the alley behind the bar to test my skills on his massive man-meat.”

  I groaned. “Please tell me he didn’t.”

  “‘Massive man-meat’ is an exact quote,” Cary said, the hard look on his face deepening. “So when will Kyle be back?”

  I wished I knew. I’d been working at No Angels for about six years, and I really did enjoy it most of the time. Having Kyle here for the three weeks? I looked forward to coming in, because I knew he’d be there with a smile on his face that would light up my day entirely. Now that I’d talked with Tammy, my heart wasn’t suffering the same crushing sensation that it had when I wasn’t sure what was going on in my head. I liked Kyle. A lot. He made me happy.

  “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile like that,” Cary said, a grin on his face.

  “I don’t think I’ve ever been happy like this,” I countered. “I… like him. I mean, like as in—”

  “As in like. I get it.”

  Why didn’t it surprise me that my revelation wasn’t a bigger shock to him? “You don’t seem freaked out.”

  He chuckled. “Look at the guys you’ve hired. We’re young, cute, and pretty damn perky.”

  “But I never looked at any of you like—”

  “I know. You’ve been nothing but the perfect stalwart boss and defender. See, that’s the thing of it. You’ve stepped up for each of us, taking us under your wing. The guys in the bar? Because of you they accept us. Lemme ask you something. What happened with Scott?”

  “I fired his ass.”

  He gave me this “and?” look.

  I sighed, because I knew where this was going. “And hired him back. He’d let himself fall under Donnie’s sway, and when he realized it, he was really sorry.”

  “Not surprising. He wants to be loved more than anything else. I don’t think he’s had a lot of that in his life. When you hired him, he was walking on the clouds, he was so ha
ppy. The first shift he and I worked together, he marveled at how someone like him was hired to work in a place like this.”

  An odd realization struck me in that moment. These were my boys. All of them. Not in a sexual way, but in a family-that-I-built kind of way. I was proud of each of them for their accomplishments, and I mourned their setbacks with them. It also dawned on me that I was pretty much a dick as a boss, because I rarely complimented any of the staff. If I was going to show Kyle my better side, maybe I needed to let it out for others too.

  “You all do an incredible job. I’m sorry I don’t say it more often.”

  Cary laughed so hard, he had to put a hand on the tabletop to catch his breath. “Don’t say it? You don’t have to. You show it in everything you do. You fired Scott, but you gave him another chance. You’re kind and patient with us, to a fault most times.”

  That didn’t sound like me at all. “You guys never do anything that makes me have to yell.”

  “Oh? What about when I made an entire round of drinks with the wrong liquor? That couldn’t have been cheap. Did you yell? Nope. You put a hand on my back, told me it could happen to anyone—anyone but you, you said adamantly—and that all we needed to do was make the drinks again and everything would be fine.”

  “What good would it have done me to yell?” I insisted.

  Cary shrugged. “Might have made you feel better. I could see how annoyed you were and hear how tight your voice was. Did you shout at me? No, even if I deserved it.”

  “So you’re saying I’m not a shitty boss.”

  “No, I’m saying you’re a great guy to work for. Hell, you’re a great guy in general. So, in my roundabout way, I’m saying if Kyle makes you happy, then I can’t wait to meet him.”

  The door opened, cutting off my comment. I turned, ready to do my job, when the breath was sucked from my lungs as a vision of beauty lounged in the doorway, silhouetted by the late-afternoon sun. He wore tight pants stretched over his own taut ass, and a T-shirt that seemed to have been painted on. He had on shiny bangle earrings, and a pair of dark sunglasses. When he pulled the glasses off in a dramatic fashion, I could see evidence of the eyeliner and a bit of shading on his eyes. He looked even more breathtaking than I thought he could be, and every bit the diva that I knew he wasn’t.