Sherlock Holmes Investigates. The Case of Lady Chatterley's Voodoo Dolls

by Philip van Wulven

myself and my friend be in any way concerned?”

  Green turned his hat around as he held it before his chest with both hands, but spoke up readily enough, “Why sir, this is a matter of treasonous conspiracy against our British Empire, of unbridled malice against those of us in opposition to such, and of murderous intent against those actively engaged in prevention of their objectives. Oh yes, and there has been theft and housebreaking, the cause of distress to a Lady of our acquaintance.” This utterance had rather the sound of a learned speech, a message from another, than of his own more usual level of discourse.

  “I am gratified to observe the precedence in which you rank these transgressions, Mr. Green. Anything of treasonous intent must claim our fullest attention, before we proceed with lesser concerns. That being acknowledged, it would assist us to hear your story from beginning to end, as events occurred, rather than in order of significance.”

  “Mr Holmes, sir, this is not the time nor place for such talk. Your pardon, but I was told to ask you to attend our gathering in the New Forest, where all shall be disclosed, and others more capable shall be available to assist in your pursuit of certain evil men. I will seek you out at the end of the Meet, gentlemen, that we may journey together.”

  With a grimace, which might almost be a smile, he turned, and was swept away from view in the surging crowd, as a roar and a rush to advantageous viewpoints signalled the start of the next race.

  I said, “I am a little puzzled as to how the gypsy knew to seek us out at the Winchester Meet, Holmes. After all, we had not settled on the idea of this trip until yesterday, and his message is from his grandmother, who is miles from here in the New Forest.”

  Holmes replied, “Very probably he had intended to seek us out in London, Watson, and was happy to be saved the trouble and expense of the journey there when he saw us.”

  We found a position near the rail, where we had a good view of the final straight and the post, and we busied ourselves with affairs of immediate interest. I had laid several guineas at reasonable odds on the favourite in the Cup race, as well as on a chestnut filly in the fifth race, and was somewhat preoccupied with the state of my investments for the next while.

  My friend busied himself with his wide acquaintance amongst our fellows in the enclosure, and to some effect beyond matters of the turf. As we made our way towards the bookmakers to collect on my fortunate choices, he said, “We shall proceed in a most novel manner to our rendezvous with our nomadic informants, Watson. Lord Hungerfold has been so kind as to proffer the use of his new self propelled carriage for the next several days. His good wife has expressed a fear of the conveyance, and forbid him to make further use of it. His Lordship has, at least temporarily, acceded to this. He intends to travel by rail from here to his London residence, where we may deliver the vehicle at our pleasure. We may make such use of it as we will during our travels about this area.”

  “By Jingo, Holmes, I have been most interested in developments anent those self propelled vehicles, and have wished to try one on a long run with no blasted city traffic. Good news indeed. Why, pray tell me, does her Ladyship only now turn against the conveyance, which has been in use by his Lordship for some several months now?”

  “During conversation with friends here at Winchester, her Ladyship was most distressed to learn of the demise of her second cousin’s neighbour, Mr Lindfield, who most unfortunately lost control of his electric buggy and rode into a tree at some speed at Purley.”

  “Lindfield, the fellow from Brighton, d’you mean, Holmes? Surely, we heard of his most unfortunate death some time ago, in February was it not? As I recall the incident led to some call for reinstating the restrictions on the use of self-propelled vehicles on the public roads.”

  “Indeed, as you say, the accident was the subject of several articles in the newspapers and much discussion amongst concerned citizens at the time. It appears her Ladyship is not generally given to an interest in newspapers beyond the Society pages, nor to much discussion of proposed legislation. Thus, she was only apprised of potential hazards entailed to speedy travel without horses, beyond possible disarray of garments and coiffure, when her cousin regaled her with a lengthy account of the accident and the distress of the bereaved family.”

  “I must say, I am delighted with this turn of events. I hope you will permit me the pleasure of steering our course?’

  ‘Why, certainly. I shall be glad to take on the task of navigator for the duration of our voyage. Green can assist us as guide on the last stage of the journey, through the New Forest to his tribal encampment. No doubt it is secreted in some obscure area away from the better travelled roads.”

  “Dash it all Holmes, I suppose I will have to miss dinner at my in-laws tomorrow,” I said.

  Holmes knew of my not entirely positive relationship with my mother-in-law, so he did not commiserate excessively, but said, “I am sure Lady Hungerfold can deliver a note to your Mary, Watson.”

  I composed a note to my good wife, in which I expressed my regret at the circumstance which forced us to delay our return to the metropolis, without, of course, disclosing any details. I took care to tell her the matter was of some considerable importance and urgency, for nothing less could have prevented me from attendance at her mother’s table for dinner on the morrow. I had to tell her also that I might not be able to attend the morning Service at her old Church on the coming Sunday.

  By late afternoon we were bowling along at a good clip, a plume of dust marking our progress through the Hampshire countryside.

  Josiah Green sat facing the wind, his hat unable to sustain its position in the wind of our passage, so that his hair was whipped into movement like seaweed in a turbulent surf, and his eyes for the most part remained clamped tightly shut. Holmes and I were equipped with driving goggles, and his deerstalker proved quite suited to the hardship attendant on our velocity. I had exchanged my homburg for the leather helmet left by his Lordship on the seat, and so felt eminently secure and capable of achieving quite remarkable speed.

  We set off at a rattling good pace. Our progress was only slightly impeded by the farm wagons and other slow conveyances on the road, since I made no delay in unnecessary precautions before overtaking such as did not draw to the side at our approach.

  Some of the horses were poorly trained, and so attempted sudden manoeuvres as we passed by. A wagon load of empty milk churns was overturned, as also a gentleman’s carriage. One pair of fine Percherons valiantly attempted to keep pace ahead of us awhile, but the brewer’s wagon they hauled proved unfit for such speed, and they were forced to halt when a wheel went rolling off into a field.

  “I say, what fun, eh Holmes?” I said.

  His reply was somewhat muffled by the pipe clenched firmly in his teeth. He held the side rail equally firmly in his grasp, no doubt to ameliorate the bouncing motion resulting from the poor state of the road.

  We were able to sustain a good clip almost to the outer edge of Southampton, where the number of vehicles travelling in both directions made steering between them tiresome, so I was forced to slow our pace to that of a horse at trot.

  Holmes drank thirstily from his hip flask, but did not offer it to me thereafter, but instead reached back to Green with no word spoken. Mr Green, of course, was as thirsty as such people are wont ever to be, and I heard him gulp and swallow copiously.

  “Which direction will lead us to your kumpania from here, Mr Green?” I asked.

  “Take the next turning on our left, Doctor. But if you please, sir, at a moderate pace.”

  Holmes said, “The Forest roads are in poor shape, I suppose, and so we must rein in our desire to reach our destination in good time in favour of the better likelihood of reaching it in good repair, Watson. Unfortunately.”

  “Oh yes, the roads is bad. For sure, sir. Also there is often animals in the road here. Donkeys and cattle, and the wild ponies, and that. Sometimes not entirely visible to the eye, if you catch my meaning, sir.” Mr Green spoke in agr
eement, rather hastily.

  This was annoying, but needs must. When we came to the turning I was tempted to increase our speed once more, since the road was uncluttered with other vehicles and seemed in reasonable repair. I bethought me there could well be stray animals at any point, however, as he said, all invisible since the trees and undergrowth were thick. No fence divided forest from the winding track.

  Under cover of the trees the evening advanced very rapidly, so that we soon found our progress further impaired by encroaching dusk. Only the lighter colour of the dusty track against the verdure allowed me to steer along it.

  “Are we there yet, Green?”

  “Not quite yet Doctor, just a few miles more.”

  We came around a long curve at the bottom of a downhill stretch with some slight increase in speed, and I looked ahead and saw a clear straight stretch of road.

  With no obstruction in sight, I was jolted severely, thrown from my seat and came in painful contact with the steering wheel. Amid much confusion, with a loud bang followed by a scraping metallic clatter and clouds of dust, I wrestled the wheel as our vehicle lurched towards the side.

  We came to a halt with our left front wheel in the ditch, and the right side of the carriage quite bent, so that metal contacted the wheel.

  “What is that? There’s