“It’s in the past,” I breathed out as my pulse finally began to slow a bit.
“Jamie?” I turned my head to see Sweet was far closer than I’d thought he was. His chest was now leaning into my shoulder as an arm wrapped around to pull me close to him. “Did someone hurt you, Jamie?” His words were a pained, hesitant whisper.
“Not in the way you’re probably thinking. The whole thing was a nightmare of my own making, Sweet.”
“I’m really going to need you to explain this to me, sugar. You’re still shaking.”
I hadn’t realized I was shaking until then, but he was right. Tremors continued to work their way through my whole body. “You already kind of know thanks to my ‘I’m not a virgin’ outburst a couple weeks ago.”
I thought Sweet’s eyes were already as wide as they could go. I was wrong. Along with the wide panic-laced eyes his nostrils flared and breathing picked up. “What exactly do I know?”
“My first time,” I took a deep breath before I could continue. “It was consensual. I asked for the sex, but…” I tucked my head into my hands trying to hide from the shame of what I’d done. What I’d allowed to happen, before I knew better. “It was brutal,” I finally whispered out. “The guy seemed nice at first, before we went to his room. He was… hell, knowing what I know now, he put the idea of rough sex to shame that night.”
“Fuck,” Sweet hissed out. “Your first time was fucking rape?” He yelled the words causing me to flinch back from him a bit.
“No,” I managed to choke out. Even though it kind of felt like it. “I went willingly. I said yes.”
“You said yes to sex with someone you thought was a nice guy. I bet you thought you’d have nice, normal sex, right?” I nodded my agreement. “When things started to get rough did you ask him to stop?”
“Of course, I did. It fucking hurt. He just said I didn’t know better because I was a virgin and I’d enjoy it soon enough.”
“Jamie,” my name squeaked out on a tortured sigh.
“I know the difference, now. I had sex with other people after that, and I saw how not normal that first time was. I know… I don’t like talking about it, and I don’t always have nightmares, but like I said, sometimes when I’m stressed they sneak up on me.”
“That shit just makes me want to hurt your old friend that much more for the bullshit lies she told. Fuck!” He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “There wasn’t anyone else, Jamie.”
“What do you mean?”
“Even that night, when your father announced us, I didn’t do anything with those whores. I just realized you didn’t know about your dad’s plan. I didn’t want to be the reason your choices were taken from you.”
“Funny how things work out then. That incident is the reason I believed Mare. If you could do it then, what was to stop you from repeating it? Hell, it was the root of all my hesitation where you were concerned.”
He cut off my rant, before I could get sucked back into my anger. “I didn’t do it then, and you were the only thing stopping me. I wasn’t with anyone else the whole time I was waiting for you.”
“What does that even mean?” A part of me wondered if he’d been waiting for me all this time. No, that would be stupid. Of course he hadn’t. “Surely, you’ve been with other women since…” I didn’t get a chance to offer up a timeline for my question. A guilty look swept across his face then and he shrugged his shoulders while blowing out a breath.
“There was no one from a while before your dad promised you to me, all the way until about two years after you were gone.”
“What?” My shock and disbelief was obvious in my tone even if he couldn’t see my face clearly in the dark.
“I never thought you were dead, like some of the others did, but I figured if you wanted to stay hidden and not come back to me – to us – what was I torturing myself for, you know?” He chuckled, the sound humorless. “It’s not like I even got to have you before you left. So, when the anger set in good and hard I started using women to alleviate that.”
I could not justify the sick feeling that rolled through my stomach at his admission. I’d basically done the same thing when I’d left. I’d tried to fuck away the anger and the memories with strangers. I’d never really even come close to finding something that could wipe away my memories of him though. Derek almost did it, but he chose football over me, even when he knew I was pregnant.
“So, did you find a serious relationship then?”
I heard him scoff. “No.” We were both silent for a while. “There were women who I took my aggression out on and then there were a couple regulars who served as place holders.”
“Place holders?” Now, I felt like I was going to throw up. Of all the men I’d been with in the past seven years, I’d never considered any of them close enough to being able to take the place of the man who claimed and broke my heart. Apparently, that wasn’t the case for Sweet. Apparently, he found ‘regulars’ who could take my place. Before my disgust could show on my face I stood and moved quickly to the bathroom. “Sorry, I’ll be right back.”
“Jamie,” he called out to me as I shut the door. I couldn’t look at him right then because it was finally hitting me that the past seven years of my life, all the consequences of my actions, and all the heartaches were a result of misunderstandings, lies believed because I didn’t know how to communicating effectively back then.
I turned the sink on and just let the water run as I stared at it. How the hell did we manage to screw everything up so badly that it all boiled down to this. All this heartache, and for what? Not a damn thing. We could have been happy together. Hell, maybe our love affair would have run its natural course by now, and we could have both moved on to people who would make us the happiest we’d ever been. Maybe a family would be involved in there somewhere. I couldn’t possibly know because I’d spent all of my time grieving a loss that never should’ve happened. All of it, the heartache, everything that occurred, all we now had to live with, it seemed so damned pointless when the truth was out there. I found myself wishing my father had left well enough alone. We were obviously both too young and too immature back then to get through the simple things. That was glaringly obvious. I finally splashed some water on my face, refusing to think about the part in all of this that sent me running to the bathroom to begin with.
As I moved back into the room it was clear Sweet was watching my every move. “It’s been a long day,” I offered after going back over to the side of the bed I’d vacated moments ago. “I need some rest.” I avoided eye contact, because I didn’t want to see the haunted look I knew was present in his eyes, and I certainly didn’t want him to see it reflected back from mine.
If I’m being honest with myself, and I tuck away all the bad memories of things I thought happened that actually never did, I would have to admit that Sweet was my first crush, and well on his way to being my first, my only, love. He should have been my first lover, maybe even my only one. That was stolen away from me by someone who was supposed to be my best friend. Those thoughts followed me into the too-stiff bed with its scratchy sheets and even more uncomfortable cover. I tried to fluff up the surprisingly lumpy, for how flat it was, pillow. Eventually I gave up and just tucked one arm underneath it. My back was to Sweet again so I didn’t see him when he crawled over the bed to move closer to my side. The soft rumble of his voice seemed to flow over my body from just beyond my shoulder. “So many things I wish I could go back and change, precious girl.” A finger moved smoothly along the line of my shoulder and neck. “Most of all, I wish I could take all the painful moments away.” It’s like he heard my own thoughts from moments ago. “But if I’m being honest, I’m damn proud of what you’ve achieved and who you’ve become. Not sure that would have happened if…” His voice trailed off, the thought left unfinished. We both knew what he meant. Hell, we’d both probably played out every single what if scenario there was since finding one another again.
I turned ov
er to find him watching me, a reverent look in his eyes. My throat, constricted with emotion, caused me to have to attempt to swallow down the lump that lodged there. Sweet’s hand moved closer. Fingers ghosted the line of my jaw, then traced smoothly over my slightly parted lips. My eyes closed as I took in the sensation of his touch on my sensitive body. “I missed you so much, Jamie.” Sweet’s words were a whisper wrapped in the truth, and his touch was there to drive the point home.
Before I could open my eyes to look at him again I felt his warm breath there, teasing the same lips his fingers had just been touching. Even if I’d wanted to resist and pull away I had no time before those gentle fingertips were replaced with his unforgiving mouth. It seemed his lips were hell bent on punishing mine for their disappearing from his life. I couldn’t disagree or disengage. Moments, or maybe hours, later his tongue slipped past my defenses too. An involuntary whimper crept from my throat and was greeted by an answering groan from Sweet as he pulled my body closer to his own, hands roaming my body as he did.
Warning bells attempted to go off in my head, but I ignored them. Actually, I couldn’t think beyond the heat that infused my skin from his hands. I definitely couldn’t think beyond his mouth that was now nibbling on my neck, just below my ear. “I need you, sugar,” the rumble of his voice so close to my ear caused things below to tighten and grow wet in anticipation.
“I need you too.” My words were like an answering prayer. His deft hands worked my shirt up and over my head before I could even protest. Not that I had planned on doing that. I hadn’t bothered with a bra after my shower so he had free, unfettered access to my breasts at that point.
“So beautiful,” he mumbled before working his mouth down to suckle on the first one, and then the other, nipple. Sweet’s hands, meanwhile, were working further south helping to divest me of my panties in quick fashion. Then he was sitting up, reaching for the wet jeans he’d removed earlier. He came back with a foil package and in what would have probably been record speed, if anyone bothered to clock the time; he was nude with his thick, hardness wrapped in a condom. “I can’t wait, Jamie.” His voice was barely restrained desperation. “Been waiting far too long.” Those words were the last spoken before he slid his ungodly thick length deep inside me. He pushed until he was fully seated and then lowered his head back down to mine. Our lips found each other’s again and he kissed me gently. A sweet, lingering presence upon my lips until he finally withdrew himself from me. He took all of his length from my body, only allowing the head to remain in me before slamming back home. That one cruel moment of emptiness was dashed away as he found his way home again.
“Fucking perfect,” Sweet muttered into my ear as his weight bore down on me again while he swiveled his hips. He worked that beautiful push and pull, give and take like I was all at once precious, breakable, and insatiable. My own body responded as my hips lifted to meet his every thrust, ensuring he sank as deep as humanly possible into me. The rhythmic clapping sound of our bodies slapping together helped set the pace, even as it picked up and tripped into a more frantic all-consuming need. His pubic bone ground down on my clit each time our bodies met, and was sending sparks of liquid fire scorching through me.
Sweet’s mouth traveled lower, leaving my neck, which was now too sensitive in spots from his rough, stubble-lined cheeks. Once he found my nipple, teasing it first with his tongue and then his mouth, I was lost to the sensations buzzing through my body. “Oh, God!” I called out as he sucked hard, and then bit down lightly on the aroused bud as he pulled my legs up higher and sank impossibly deeper into me.
The new position had him hitting that beautifully elusive spot inside me, harder with each thrust, until he let go of my nipple with an audible pop only to latch onto the next. My insides were already beginning to clamp down harder on him when Sweet’s thumb worked between us, finding my clit, swirling it around and dropping me off the precipice I had been hanging so precariously from moments ago. “Come for me, Jamie,” he huffed out, hot breath blazing a trail of need across my swollen, damp nipples as he did so. My body obliged him as the pressure finally exploded, starting with the spark deep inside me and blowing forth with stronger and stronger waves of pleasure rolling through my every nerve ending. My muscles clenched and released while a white-hot flood of liquid rushed from me, threatening to push Sweet from my body with its intensity.
“Holy fuck, Jamie!” Sweet hissed the words out and then he was gone, pumping headlong into his own beautiful release as my own body still shuddered beneath his. Even with the condom acting as a barrier between us I felt him swell impossibly larger inside of me, and pulse as his climax was spent into the rubber he wore. For one, very brief, crazy moment I lamented the fact that he’d been wearing it. Not that I was capable of having his love child or anything, just that I’d been waiting and wondering for so long what it would have been like between us, that I wished there weren’t any barriers now. I was glad he’d had the forethought to suit up though, because neither of us really knew what the other had been up to, or how careful we’d been with other people. That was a discussion we’d have to get into if we continued with this though. No matter how damn painful the thought of him with another woman was.
I remained quietly reflective as he moved off of me to dispose of the condom. His absence was shocking to my system. Not only did I instantly miss the feel of him inside me, filling me, but his body heat and the sheer weight of him against me were missed as well. Jesus, I was well and truly fucked, and not just in the biblical sense. How would I ever get over him now?
“You okay?” He asked as he moved back towards me on the bed.
“Yeah, fine.” I all but whispered the words. Though it was pretty obvious I wasn’t too certain. I knew he was watching me, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. If I did, the tears I was working hard to hold back would fall and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to stop the dam from breaking and releasing seven years of pent up frustration and heartache all in one go. That was what my first time should have been like, with him, so long ago. “Just tired,” I added finally as I rolled to my side with my back to him once again.
If Sweet took offense to the gesture, he didn’t let it show. Instead, he moved closer, spooning into me with an arm wrapped tightly around me. He kissed my head in a gentle gesture and then calmed beside me. Sweet must have felt my body shake when I couldn’t hold my emotions in any longer. Instead of being an ass about it though he just snuggled impossibly closer. “I know, Jaime. It’s okay.” He whispered a variation of those words repeatedly until there was nothing left, and I finally drifted off to sleep.
Chapter 9
The previous night’s storm clouds had dispersed and the sun was languidly stretching out into the clear morning sky before us for the ride back home. When we stopped for gas we both had texts waiting, asking for our ETA, and requesting that we stop by the Aces High Clubhouse on the way back into town. I let my father know I would be there, and I supposed Sweet had given them a heads up with our expected arrival too, because when we got there it seemed a full scale party was going on in the parking lot. Okay, not quite a party, but my dad, a few older guys from his crew, a couple local boys, and what looked like club’s new sweet butts were lounging around on tables and benches near where everyone’s bikes were parked.
A sigh escaped me, but luckily no one could hear it as we pulled in. I was busy scoping everyone out as Sweet killed his engine, hopped off his own bike, and tossed me a beautiful smile. I was in the process of returning that smile when a scantily clad brunette screeched, gaining his attention, then ran and flung herself into Sweet’s arms. Actually, her legs wrapped around his waist, and her arms flew around his neck in a crazy tight squeeze of a hug while Sweet’s hands dropped to cradle her in place, using her ass cheeks as handholds. “Baby, I missed you so much,” she squealed before planting her mouth on his.
I wanted to throw up. Seriously, bile was rising at the back of my throat. I glanced at my father who was
scrubbing a hand down his worn looking face and shaking his head. I didn’t bother to hang around after that. I tipped my head to him, revved my bike’s engine, and pulled back out of their lot. It probably wasn’t the safest thing to do considering how hard my hands were shaking. Hell, how hard I was shaking all over with frustration and renewed anger. Autopilot reflexes seemed to be the magical force that guided me home to my own clubhouse. I wasn’t expecting an immediate commitment from Sweet after we had sex together, but with him moving to my town, I thought maybe we were finally getting our second chance.
I’d asked him if there was anyone else. He’d told me no. Despite the bits of conversation I’d overheard from his phone call previously that indicated a woman was most definitely waiting on him – whether he wanted her to or not – I had chosen to believe him. I knew how some women could be with the guys from the club. They wanted the old lady status and weren’t too keen on giving up on it once they thought they had their claws dug in. At least they were known to dig in until some of the guys had to eighty-six them from the club completely to get it through their heads. Bans were rare, but they did happen. It seemed I was too eager to believe that was the case with Sweet’s conversation. The girl’s endearment, and excitement at seeing him aside, Sweet’s response and body language are what made it clear that it wasn’t a one-time occurrence with her. She was someone he was used to having around and possibly greeting the same way after he got back from runs. His own words – “There were placeholders” – kept running through my head, and making me feel ill.
Fifteen minutes later, I rolled into the S.H.E. compound and parked my bike. “Hey, Angel Girl, thought you were going to be hanging at the Aces High clubhouse today?” JoJo asked nonchalantly until she glanced up and saw my face. “Oh no, what happened?”
With a shake of my head I started walking into the clubhouse. I stopped though, thinking better of saying nothing. “Could you make sure no one disturbs me today? I’m fucking burned out exhausted, and I just need some sleep.”
Angel Girl (S.H.E. Book 1) Page 15
