by Ford, Brynn
My heart beat faster.
Worst of all, my core unexpectedly clenched in wanting.
Reward would be so sweet right now. If he were Vaughn, he could
fuck me right here, slap me, spank me, make me come.
Oh, God, I wanna be fucked.
I wanna come.
Law dropped to his knees, straddling me on the plywood. His hips still hovered above mine, but they were even closer now. Squeezing his knees together, he held me in place. The expensive material of his tailored pants strained with the muscles of his thighs.
“We’ve talked about breath play. I’m curious to see how you handle it.”
“Yellow, Sir,” I didn’t hesitate on my safeword this time.
I said it, not because I was worried about giving him control over my breathing, but because I didn’t know how he would do it. My heart skipped a beat and my chest rose and fell sharply with a deep breath. I didn’t miss that his eyes darted to my breasts when I inhaled, though there wasn’t much for him to see with my bra on.
“What do you need?” he asked.
“I need to know how. What are you gonna do, Sir?”
“Do you want a blow-by-blow? Or do you just want to remind me of your hard limits here?”
I didn’t want an outline detailing what he was planning to do to me. Half the fun was in not knowing. But this is the first thing we’d talked about doing that actually scared me a little. Giving someone else control of your ability to breath is risky, no matter how it’s done. Law had been very clear about that point and I understood.
I was a risk-taker though, and I was curious to try after doing some research on the internet. I was the one who brought it up to Law initially and he’d been surprised at my interest. I’d been eager to know more since I watched Asher choking Ris that first night at Black Ties. But my nerves were getting the best of me at the thought of him actually doing it.
I closed my eyes for a moment, then opened them again with resolve, “I want my hands and legs untied, Sir. And if you cover my mouth, I want a hand signal for a safeword. In case I can’t speak, Sir.”
“Give me your hands.”
I did as told and lifted my arms from where they rested, outstretched above my head. I held out my wrists to him so he could untie me.
He brushed gravel from my forearms before working to untangle the tight knots, “You’ll hold up one finger for Yellow, two fingers for Red. Repeat it.”
“One finger for Yellow, two fingers for Red, Sir.”
“Good girl. You’ll use thumbs up for Green if I check in. Repeat it,” he pulled the knots free and tossed the rope off to the side before swiveling away to untie my ankles.
“Thumbs up for Green, Sir.”
I didn’t know what to do with my hands. It felt foreign to have them free without a command or directive. He must have sensed that.
“Do whatever you want to with your hands. Just remember that fighting isn’t going to stop me. Only Yellow or Red will.”
“One finger for Yellow, two fingers for Red, thumbs up for Green, Sir.”
I repeated it for me, but also for him. I needed to make sure we were both on the same page here because I was nervous. My hands trembled.
He smiled, returning to his previous position on top of me, “Good girl, Blue. I’m gonna put some of my weight on you,” and he did, lowering himself to settle over my lower abdomen.
I swallowed and my fingers found their way into my hair, clawing into the strands from my forehead back. Law’s hands grazed my shoulders softly, unusually softly. One hand stayed on my left shoulder while the other moved slowly inward along my collarbone. His fingertips danced along my throat, his thumb sliding all the way across to wrap around the side of my neck.
I whimpered and bit my lip, anticipating immediate roughness, which was Law’s usual way of operating. Instead, I was met with more gentleness. His hand explored my throat, grazing over my skin, thumb caressing my neck.
It was careful.
Deliberate.
Erotic.
“Eyes on me, Blue.”
I felt more of his weight on my stomach and I begged him with my eyes to go easy on me.
“Green?” he asked.
I gave him a small, nervous smile and a nod, “Green, Sir.”
He gripped my throat in his large hand, gradually adding pressure, squeezing and pressing in more and more. I felt restricted in the sense that I couldn’t move from his hold, but not yet like I couldn’t breathe.
“More please, Sir.”
He lifted from my waist and pushed more of his weight through his arm, controlled and steady.
He pressed.
He squeezed.
Suddenly, I couldn’t swallow. I wanted to cough but couldn’t force the air out. I reached for him on instinct, grabbing his wrist with both hands but he didn’t let up.
One finger for Yellow, two fingers for Red.
I could do it. I could tap out.
But I didn’t.
A few moments passed and he kept going until my body thrashed underneath him and I bucked up against his groin. He stopped immediately and lifted his hips, bringing his hand up to run through his hair with a breath of exasperation as I coughed and caught my breath.
He looked flustered and frustrated. I wanted to assure him that I was okay. I reached out and tapped his elbow.
“Green, Sir.”
He sat down on me again, grabbed my throat, and placed his other hand over my mouth and nose all in one motion. He pressed down with both hands. The tightness around my throat ached and throbbed. The bridge of my nose grew painful as the tip was bent down from the way he pushed.
He smothered me.
He strangled me.
I can’t breathe.
Oh, God.
I can’t breathe.
I fought. Both my hands reached for his. I clawed at him with my fingernails. My legs kicked. My body thrashed beneath his. My eyes went wide and connected with his. But he didn’t stop.
Oh, God, don’t kill me, please don’t kill me.
One finger for Yellow, two fingers for Red.
I knew what I had to do but my brain and my fingers weren’t communicating. I whimpered and protested with my body. I bumped and thrust up against him, my hips connecting with his crotch as his body pressed down hard over my pelvic bone. I kicked so relentlessly, that I somehow managed to get my left leg free of him. I pressed my bare foot against his hip, trying to push him away.
Get off.
Get off.
Get off.
Blackness was starting to fade in around the edges of my vision, but I refused to stop fighting, rocking my body upward in a lame attempt to get him off of me. Then suddenly, as if he could sense me fading, his hands jerked away from my face.
I gasped. I could breathe again.
He leaned down over me and watched me as I breathed life back into my body, his eyes filled with lust. His hips rocked with mine as my body continued to thrash into his on instinct.
No.
It was no longer on instinct. My movement was falling into a steady rhythm. Law was hard. I could feel his cock grinding over my panties. And I was wet.
Fuck.
FUCK.
It feels good.
My left leg moved of its own will, my knee bending and pressing into his side. Law’s hand ran along the outside of my thigh, creeping from my hip toward my knee and holding it tight against him with his strong hand. His lips were close enough to taste, to kiss. I closed my eyes and inhaled his scent, but the usual sweet mint aroma was tinged now with dirt and sweat and musk. I was still moving with him. He was panting. I was breathless. It felt so, so, sinfully good.
The ache at my throat was suddenly dulled as wetness and warmth pressed recklessly to my skin. His lips were on the hollow of my throat and they were traveling around to the side of my neck, desperately seeking and soothing my tender flesh. His tongue was there, too, tasting me, wanting me. And our bodies still rocked together.
/> No.
Vaughn.
No, no, no, no, no.
STOP.
My eyes flew open wide and my hands shot up to shove against Law’s shoulders, “No, stop. Red, Red, RED.”
Oh, God. Vaughn.
Tears formed and fell from my eyes in a rush of anguish as I pushed Law away from me. He climbed off me and backed far away, his fingers running through his hair. He looked as utterly torn apart as I felt.
“Christ. Fuck. I’m sorry, Desi. I’m so sorry.”
I scrambled to my feet, brushing dirt and stones from my body before crossing my arms over my chest and holding tight.
“Are you okay? I didn’t mean to…” he was at a loss for words, “I got carried away. I know I shouldn’t have done that. Are you hurt? Did I injure you?”
My forehead ached from the barrage of questions. Up was down and right was left. My brain wanted to be free from misery. And it had been, until I fucked it up by dry humping my way out of strangulation.
“No, I’m fine,” I started with a shaky voice, trying to hide my tears, though it was a lost cause, “I mean, I’m not fine. But I’m not injured.”
“Okay. Good,” he said, uncharacteristically shaken, “What do you want me to do?”
“You’re asking me?” I replied in shock and a few sobs escaped me.
Law didn’t need to be told what to do. He didn’t want to be told what to do. Ever.
His eyes narrowed at me and he opened his mouth to speak but decided better of it and closed it again. He ran his fingers through his dark hair, which looked as frazzled as he was behaving. He blew out a breath before rushing across the room to me. I stepped back, tears flowing freely now. I shook my head and held up my hand to stop him, but he was quick. Before I could protest, his arms snaked around my waist, snatching me and pulling me tightly against his body.
“I want you, Desi.”
I put my hands on his chest and shoved, “Tough shit.”
He held tight, “I know. I know I can’t have you. You don’t belong to me, but what just happened, that was both of us, wasn’t it? I just need to hear it from you. I need to know.”
“Know what?”
“If you weren’t with Vaughn, if you weren’t married, if you’d met me first. Would you want me? Would you let me have you? Would you have let me fuck you just now?”
Behind his baby blue eyes was longing and heartache and desperation for something he wasn’t allowed to have. That something was me.
It crushed my spirit that I couldn’t give him something that he wanted in return for all that he had given me. He’d given me pain and punishment, but it was so much more than that. He’d given me freedom, peace from my grief, a distraction, an outlet, a friendship. All I could give him in return was the truth.
“Yes, I would have. But you already knew that.”
Law pressed his hand to my cheek and I froze, the well of my tears drying up as his skin touched mine. His thumb brushed across my bottom lip and suddenly I felt like he was strangling me again, suffocating me. I couldn’t breathe when he touched me that way. I bit my lip, pulling it in between my teeth and away from his touch.
He exhaled and smiled sadly, “Okay,” he released me and stepped back, “Do you want me to walk you home or should I call a cab?”
I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding in, “Could you call me a cab?”
He nodded, “I’ll meet you upstairs.”
He turned and walked toward the doorway with only a single glance backward as he passed through. He winked once with a smirk, but I could tell it was forced and completely dishonest to what he was feeling.
He walked away, disappearing down the hallway. Then suddenly, I was alone.
Chapter 14
Desi
“Desi, wait,” Ris called after me as I strode across the sidewalk toward the yellow cab waiting for me at the curb.
She had already changed from the rose gold colored silk evening gown I’d seen her wearing earlier back into her street clothes. Though her street clothes were equally as elegant. She must have come straight from work to Black Ties this evening. She had put on an ivory, tailored shift dress and fitted navy blazer with killer ankle boots that added another two inches to her height. Looking at her made me feel like a hot mess in my yoga pants and oversized hoodie.
Though I was shaken and distressed by what just happened with Law, I gave her a small, polite smile, but she frowned at me as she approached.
“Hey, are you okay?”
“Yeah, sure, I’m fine. Why?”
“Because I just talked to Law and neither of you seem fine.”
I sighed, “What did he tell you, Ris?”
“He told me everything, honey. I’m glad I caught you before you left.”
“You are?”
“Yeah. Do you wanna come over and hang out? Chat for a bit?”
I was surprised, “You want me to come over?”
“Yeah. I figured you could use some girl talk before heading home.”
“That sounds amazing, actually. Yeah.”
God, how long has it been since I had a girlfriend to talk to?
We took the cab back to her apartment, an elegantly furnished, modestly sized two bedroom downtown. She excused herself when we arrived and when she came back out of one of the bedrooms, she’d changed into grey sweatpants and a white tank top. The look was so unusually casual for her, as I’d only ever seen her dressed in evening gowns and posh work clothes or alluring, yet clearly uncomfortable lingerie. It disarmed and comforted me to see her as a real, human woman.
We sat side-by-side on her plush, off-white sofa as she gathered her golden blonde hair into a ponytail.
“Your apartment is great,” I said, not really sure how to start a conversation with this goddess.
Ris smiled, “Thank you. We like it.”
Oh, that’s right, she lives with Asher.
“Where’s Asher?”
Her smile faltered but just for a moment, “Still out, I suppose. He’s been difficult to keep tabs on lately.”
“Oh."
“So, can we talk about what happened tonight? With you and Law, I mean.”
I shrugged, “I don’t really know what to say about it.”
“He was really upset, Desi. I’ve never seen him so,” she paused, searching for a word, “Unbalanced.”
“I didn’t mean to upset him.”
“Oh, stop, sweetie, that’s not your fault. He told me he lost control with you.”
I paused considering that. He had lost control, he’d promised me before that he wouldn’t allow me to cross the boundary and violate my own ‘nothing sexual’ rule and I had trusted him. But we’d both nearly crossed that line tonight. We were both to blame.
I shook my head, “Ris, everything is just falling apart.”
Her brow slanted inward and she looked concerned, genuinely caring about me, “Oh, honey, tell me all about it.”
“I never wanted to cheat on Vaughn.”
“Do you feel like you did?”
I didn’t want to say it out loud, but I did, “Yes.”
Hearing myself say that one word broke me and my eyes filled with tears. Ris jumped up and came back with a box of tissues, holding it out to me.
“Desi, why haven’t you told your husband?”
“How could I tell him? What would I even say?”
“Tell him the truth.”
“I’m not sure I know what the truth is anymore, Ris.”
“Do you love him? Vaughn?”
I answered without hesitation, “I really do. I know I haven’t been acting like it with him though. I’ve been pushing him away, avoiding him. I’ve been lying to him about all of this. I’m afraid he must hate me by now for the way I’ve been treating him. I don’t feel like I deserve him. Maybe he should just leave me.”
“Don’t say that. Is that really what you want?”
“No,” my tone was unintentionally sharp, “Of course not
. But look at what I’ve done. I’ve come so close to crossing the line with Law so many times. So many times, Ris. And tonight? I did cross that line. God. I feel like I really fucked up.”
“Did you kiss him?”
“No.”
“Did you have sex with him?”
“No.”
“Did you stop it when you realized you were stepping over the line?”
“Yes, of course.”
“You’re human, Desi. Cut yourself some slack. Speaking from experience, Law is,” she paused and looked far away for a second, “Well, Law is hard to resist.”
“His lips were on my neck, Ris. I let him kiss my neck. I was dry humping his leg," I sighed, "I liked it. He liked it. I wanted more. Fuck. I should never have put myself in this situation in the first place.”
“First of all, let me just say that you are a damn strong woman. It takes a lot of self-restraint to stop yourself in the middle of something like that. Especially with the connection that you and Law share. But just answer this. Do you regret it? Do you regret meeting him? Do you regret learning about Black Ties and the possibility of other lifestyles? Honestly, Desi, I know it must be difficult at your age and given what you’ve been through. But I’m amazed at how you jumped right into it with Law. Most girls aren’t prepared for someone like him. I could be wrong but I think you need this world,” she smiled, “I think you’re one of us.”
Hearing that from her gave me an odd sense of pride. I wanted her to like me. I wanted her to think of me as someone that belongs.
“I don’t know about that,” I grinned, “But even if I am, I don’t know if Vaughn is.”
“You’ll never know if you don’t talk to him about it. Where does he think you are right now, anyway? Where does he think you've been going these past few weeks?"
I exhaled, trying to push out the weight of my lies with my breath. I'd been going to Black Ties twice a week for the past three weeks. Law had agreed on meeting me there early in the night for our scenes so I could be home by ten.
"I told him I changed schedules with another instructor at the yoga studio where I teach, that I picked up some late afternoon and evening classes and I have to close the studio after so I'll get home late," I put my face in my hands, realizing how disgusting that sounded out loud, "Fuck. I'm horrible."
