by Ford, Brynn
“Holly Blue?” Vaughn interrupted my reflection.
“Yeah, V. I’m…of course I’ll…I should come.”
“I’ll be with you the whole time, babe.”
I was quiet and just completely lost for words. I hadn't expected this news. I didn't feel ready for it.
Could I ever be ready for something like this?
I was nodding, pointlessly nodding. Ris held out her hand for my phone and I didn’t even think. I just handed it to her, grateful she was there and offering to help me handle this.
“It’s Ris again,” I heard her say, “What’s going on?” she paused, “Oh. Oh; I could head over there with her, yeah; No, no, it’s no problem at all. I’ll just drop her off to you. We’ll finish our girls lunch then head over. I'll text when we leave the restaurant; Sure. Bye, Vaughn.”
Ris ended the call and set my phone on the table.
“Hey, Desi,” she waited until I looked up at her before speaking, “I’ll go with you to meet Vaughn at the hospital. Is that okay?”
I felt far away, “Yeah. Sure. That’s fine.”
“Oh, honey. I know this will be hard on you. But, it will be good, too. Vaughn said he’d head over in about an hour. I just need to be back in the office for a meeting at three-thirty, so I’ve got plenty of time for you. Why don’t we just take it easy, sit here, eat, chat. I'll give you every detail you want about sex with Law," she smiled, "Then we’ll go over together.”
I looked up at her, “You’d do that for me?”
“Of course, Desi. Girl friends take care of each other,” she smiled at me with warmth and caring.
“I’m really glad I met you, Ris,” I said with a small smile, grateful for her friendship.
Her brilliant smile broadened, “Me too, girl."
Chapter 31
Desi
Ris was an excellent distraction. We talked all the way to the hospital, mostly about silly or inane things like make-up and hair and favorite sex positions. That last topic got a little out of hand, but boy, did Ris have some good stories. She actually managed to keep my mind in the present with her humor and natural brightness. She was kind of like my own personal sunshine and I loved her.
Vaughn was right there in the hospital lobby when we arrived and smiled at me broadly as we walked through the automatic doors. I practically jumped into his arms seeing how vivid his smile was to see me coming toward him.
“Hey, baby,” he said, hugging me tight and kissing the top of my head, “Are you ready to go up or do you need a minute?”
I let out a slow breath, “I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to go back up there again, Vaughn. But let’s just go before I have a nervous breakdown here in the lobby,” I forced a smile for his benefit.
“Come on, Holly Blue, tell me the truth. Are you up for this? We can come back tomorrow.”
“It won’t be any easier tomorrow. And I really would like to see Hazel and the baby. I can do this.”
He nodded, “You can do anything, babe."
“I think this is my cue to leave,” Ris said from behind me.
I turned to give her a hug, “Thanks, Ris.”
“Anytime, sweetie.”
“Hey, thanks for taking good care of her, Ris,” Vaughn said, “It’s good to see you.”
“I know it’s good to see me,” she grinned with flirtation.
I didn’t even care because she was just so freaking positive and delightful.
Vaughn looked at me, “Is she for real?”
I shrugged with an amused expression on my face.
"Vaughn, I know I never did get a chance to properly thank you for standing up to Asher when you were at Black Ties. I was very pleased to find out that hadn't ruined your evening."
"You don't need to thank me, I didn't do anything."
"But you did. You showed your quality of character and that's very important to me. So thank you."
"You're welcome," he said graciously.
I could tell he felt awkward about accepting her thanks for something he felt any man should do. To Vaughn, any good man would stand up for a woman who needed help. Ris and I shared a look woman-to-woman, knowing that not all men were good like him.
I grabbed his hand and squeezed, "You're a good man, Vaughn."
His honey eyes flickered with love for me and my stomach flipped, "Except for when I'm bad," he winked.
“You haven’t seen bad, Vaughn,” Ris tossed her hair over her shoulder with flair and it nearly made me get hard, “I've gotta get going. See you, Desi. Vaughn.”
She turned and walked away, the sound of her heels clicking on the tile floor faded as she got further away.
“She's so hot,” I said off-handedly.
Vaughn looked dumbstruck, “What?”
“Come on. Let’s go before I lose my nerve.”
Vaughn took my hand and we got on the elevator to ride to the fifth floor. As soon as we stepped on and the doors shut us in, we were cloaked in silence. I turned my head to look at him, only to find him already watching me.
I had a vague memory of this elevator and it wasn’t a good one. The last time I rode it, I was in a wheelchair, nearly twenty-two weeks pregnant and having contractions, being hurried up to labor and delivery on the fourth floor. I should have delivered my Lucy just a few weeks ago on the fourth floor and then spent a happy day or two nursing and bonding with her on the fifth floor mother-baby unit before taking her home. I never even got to see the fifth floor.
With my eyes locked on Vaughn’s, I felt my chest rise sharply with an abrupt inhale, my breath catching in my lungs. My chest tightened. It felt as though the hands of some unseen, malevolent force had reached inside me and took hold of my heart, squeezing it in a rapid rhythm to pump the memories of that night faster through my veins.
“Vaughn, I –”
He grabbed me and pulled me against him, wrapping his arms strongly around my shoulders, literally holding me together.
“I know, Desi, I know.”
I buried my face in his chest as the elevator dinged past the fourth floor and rose one more level to the fifth. It was like rising suddenly from hell into heaven, passing the floor I associated with Lucy’s death and rising to the floor of new life. But it didn’t feel right, as though we were meant to remain somewhere in between, in our own purgatory of grief. We were just passing travelers, on our way to see what heaven could be like if we somehow managed to find a way to face our pain head on.
The doors opened and I took a deep breath. Vaughn pulled back to look at me and gave me a smile of encouragement before he took my hand and led me into the hallway. Every room we passed with an open door was filled with the sounds of the happy chattering of families visiting their newest members and the sounds of crying newborns adjusting to their new world.
Oh, God.
That sound, that fresh sound of new life coming into this world, screaming its presence to anyone that would listen. That sound haunted me. Surrounded by it on all sides now was like being in a bad dream, one that I couldn’t wake up from.
I halted and pressed my eyes closed and Vaughn hugged me close. I felt a single tremor rumble through his body as he inhaled and it was followed a completely unexpected sob. I lifted my head to look up at him and he had tears in his eyes.
“Vaughn,” I didn’t know what to say to him.
“I’m so sorry, Desi. It shouldn’t have to feel like this. We should have our girl.”
His vulnerability broke the flood gates and I started to cry, right there in the middle of the hallway. We were breaking together, holding each other in the place that should have been a joyful reminder of the life we brought into this world. I couldn’t think of anything but the sobs that shook us both, the memory of delivering Lucy, of holding her lifeless in my arms, of feeling my soul shatter into irreparable pieces when I looked at her that day and realized I would never hear her cry.
I clung to Vaughn as minutes passed. People scooted around us in passing. I didn’
t care that we were blocking the hallway, until a nurse tapped me on the shoulder and asked us to move. I looked up at my husband then and nodded that it was time to meet our new niece.
We passed four or five more doors before coming upon Hazel’s room. I saw the room number Vaughn had told me she was in well before we arrived at the door. I could hear cries coming from inside. They were the insistent cries of a newborn with an ill-defined need. Vaughn tapped on the door that was slightly ajar.
“Hazel, can we come in?”
“Vaughn!” she replied enthusiastically as he pushed the door open, “Oh, thank God you’re here. Milo took the boys to get something to eat and as soon as he left Carmen decided she needed to wake up screaming to be changed and fed.”
Oh, God.
My hand was on my heart as Vaughn stepped inside, giving his big sister a side hug where she stood hovering over the rolling hospital bassinet. I could see Carmen’s delicate little baby feet kicking up into the air.
“Des, come on in,” Vaughn said to me.
I looked up at him and though his eyes still glistened with tears, he had the brightest smile I’d seen from him since the day I told him we were having a baby.
“Oh, Desi’s here?" Hazel glanced up and smiled at me, "Hey, girl! I didn’t see you there. I'm so glad you came.”
Vaughn held out his hand for me and I slowly crossed the threshold into the room. As ridiculous as it seemed, it felt like the bravest thing I’d ever done.
“Congrats, Hazel,” I said with a small smile, forcing brightness into my tone.
She was looking down at the screaming, squirming thing as she finished fastening a fresh diaper. She swaddled the baby girl in a hospital receiving blanket and slowly lifted the precious thing from the bassinet.
“Oh, she’s so big,” I hadn’t meant to say that out loud.
I knew, of course, that Carmen would be much bigger than Lucy when she was born. But I was seeing just how big now and it really surprised me. Hazel flashed a look of sympathy and I tried to pull myself back together. This was her proud moment, not my moment of grieving.
“Nine pounds even,” Hazel said, beaming at her daughter proudly.
“Nice work, sis. She’s absolutely gorgeous.”
“You wanna hold her? I really need to go to the bathroom.”
“Oh, for sure,” Vaughn replied eagerly, “Gimme this sweet little thing.”
Hazel passed the baby carefully into Vaughn’s arms before shuffling off slowly into the bathroom tucked inside her private hospital room.
I watched Vaughn as he fawned over the bright little girl, “Oh, hey there, cutie, I’m your Uncle Vaughn.”
Unlike her mother and Uncle Vaughn’s strawberry blonde hair, baby Carmen had dark brown hair, a full head of it at that. She had a slightly deeper complexion that resembled her father, Milo. I came to stand at Vaughn’s side, curiosity drawing me near, and I sighed when I looked more carefully at her face. It was familiar.
Familiar nose.
Familiar eyes.
Familiar lips.
I think she looks like Lucy.
“I know this probably sounds crazy, Vaughn. And maybe my memory is failing me. But she looks like Lucy. Remember? Oh,” I sighed, “She had that same tiny little button nose. Those same dark brown eyes. Her lips. Look at the shape of them, how the bottom one is just a little more plump than the top. Do you see it?”
I knew I probably sounded insane. But I saw a resemblance there. I just wish I had pictures of Lucy that I could take out and compare. But I didn’t have any.
Vaughn met my eyes with a smile, “That’s not crazy. I see it, too.”
“Can I hold her?”
I think we were both surprised that I’d asked.
He didn’t say a word, just smiled and carefully placed Carmen in my arms. I could feel the weight of her as I cradled her. She felt heavy and light all at the same time. Her tiny eyes blinked before fluttering closed as I rocked slowly from side to side, swaying to an unheard rhythm. I wasn’t doing it intentionally, it just sort of happened as soon as I had her in my arms.
Oh, this baby is beautiful.
Before I had any idea what I was doing, I was humming her a lullaby, carrying her with slow, steady steps to the rocking chair setup in the far corner of the room. Carmen fussed a little when I sat down, but soon after slipped into a peaceful sleep. I hadn’t even noticed Hazel had come out of the bathroom until I heard her say something quietly to Vaughn from her bed.
It must have been minutes later that Vaughn pulled up a chair and sat beside me. I was lost to studying the features of this beautiful babe that reminded me of my own. Vaughn spoke quietly beside me, motioning to his sister in bed.
“Do you mind if we stay for a while? Hazel’s exhausted and would love for you to mind the baby for a bit so she can rest.”
I smiled at him, “No, that’s, fine, we can stay.”
“You’re okay?” he asked.
Carmen’s tiny little lips twisted as she let out a sweet, sleepy cooing sound. It melted my heart and I fell immediately in love with my perfect new niece.
I nodded, “Yeah, I’m good, babe. We’re gonna babysit her a lot, okay?”
He beamed, stroking the back of my head lovingly, “Most definitely. I love seeing you like this, Desi.”
“Maybe,” I hesitated on the words, not entirely sure that I meant them yet, “Maybe we’ll try again soon.”
Vaughn leaned over and kissed the side of my head, “I told you we’d fill our family tree with as many baby birds as you want and I meant it. When you’re ready, Desi, you just say the word. When you’re ready, I’m ready.”
“Not now, but maybe soon,” I smiled at him before bringing my full attention back to the sleeping sweetness in my arms.
* * * * *
We stayed long enough for Milo to take the boys home to stay with their nanny. He came back shortly after that and we talked quietly for a bit. We helped with Carmen while we were there so they could both get some rest. They’d had a long night.
We left just before dinner time and took the train to get home. We sat side-by-side on the ride, holding hands.
“You know what I think?” Vaughn started, lifting my hand to his lips and kissing my knuckles.
I grinned at him, “What do you think?”
“I think we should go out tonight. Get our party on.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. It’s New Years Eve. I’m off tomorrow. Let’s get crazy.”
“Let’s do it, babe,” I agreed, “Where do you wanna go?”
I had an urge to suggest we go to Black Ties. Not just in hopes that we might run into Law, but because the idea of going with my gorgeous husband to a sex club to ring in the new year sounded fucking incredible.
Vaughn watched me for a few seconds, a slow smile spreading across his face, “Where do you wanna go, Blue?”
Is he thinking what I’m thinking?
Black Ties?
No, of course he’s not.
Why would he?
I rose an eyebrow at him, “Are you,” I spoke slowly, “Thinking what I’m thinking?”
“I don’t know, babe. What are you thinking?” he smirked at me.
Now he’s just fucking with me.
I smiled, “What are you thinking?”
“Seriously, woman?” he laughed, putting his arm around my shoulders and pulling me into his side, “I’m thinking I wanna take you out, show you off, and fuck you in front of strangers.”
I shushed my no-filter husband with a grin, “Vaughn.”
An older woman sitting across from us gave Vaughn a dirty look and moved away, farther down the train. We both laughed.
“I mean, I’d do it here, babe, but I think that lady would beat me with her purse and call me ‘young man.’”
“And that bag looks pretty heavy,” I agreed in joking, “She probably filled it with bricks to be able to fight off thugs like you.”
His hand landed on my up
per thigh, “Damn, babe, you’re giving me all kinds of role play ideas.”
“Like me beating the shit out of you with a bag full of bricks?" I smirked.
He smiled broadly, wrinkling the corners of his eyes, “Exactly what I was thinking. You know me too well, Mrs. Cooper.”
The reminder that I was his tugged at my heartstrings.
“For real, though, Desi. We’re going to Black Ties tonight.”
I bit my lip, “We might run into Law.”
“We’ll definitely run into Law. We’re already on his guest list tonight.”
“Are you fucking for real?” I said way louder than intended.
“I’m fucking for real.”
I looked at him wordlessly, waiting for him to tell me he was joking.
He sighed, "So, I guess he's not such a bad guy when you get to know him. I hate that it's true. But it kind of fucking is. We actually met up for a drink a couple of days ago.”
“A couple of days ago? You never told me that."
“What would I have told you?"
"Is that a serious question? Did you get details about what happened with him and Ris?"
"Sure did."
I smacked him dramatically in the shoulder, "Why didn’t you tell me? Oh, my god, I've been dying to get the details. Ris is…well…Ris. She's been particularly vague about the whole thing every time I ask."
"Sorry, babe, I'm not sharing."
"Why the hell not?"
He cocked a domineering eyebrow and it was sexy as hell.
"Because I said so."
"Just tell me. Please," I was feeling playful and gave him my best puppy dog eyes, "Pretty please, V."
The corner of his mouth twitched as he tried to look stern, "Don't look at me like that, Holly Blue."
"Like what, V?" I played dumb, batting my eyelashes.
He leaned down, breath hot against my skin as his lips brushed my earlobe.
He whispered, "Like you desperately need to be tied up, spanked, and fucked. Is that what you want, Blue?"
"Yes, V," I nodded, catching my bottom lip with my teeth.
"I'm gonna bite that lip."
He said it as he sat up, his voice carrying through the small, crowded space a little more than I liked. My cheeks burned, surely flushing pink. The girl sitting on the other side of Vaughn gave us an eye roll before very obviously giving my tall, sexy, well-built man a once over.
