Where was she?
I didn’t stand on ceremony or give the crowds the victory speech I had prepared in my head. Instead, I grabbed my t-shirt and forced my way out of the ring and through the throngs of people who were patting me on the back as I passed. I headed to where she’d been standing, and as I stopped to scan the crowd, I saw Emily making her way over to me.
“Are you okay? I’ve never seen you lose it like that before.”
“That’s because I’ve never lost it like that before,” I replied through gritted teeth without sparing a look her way. I was too focused on trying to locate a certain blonde.
“You saw her, didn’t you?” she said, and I turned to face her.
So, she’d seen her too.
“I didn’t know she’d be here, Brandon. If I did, I would’ve told you.”
I knew she meant that.
“She found out some way.”
“I gave her the details but I never in a million years thought she’d show up. She said she wanted to stay away from you. I was as surprised as you when I saw her across the room. Trust me. I wouldn’t do that to you. I know how important tonight was, and I also know how hard it would’ve been to see her watching you like that.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose, even though my fingers hurt like hell. I was numb inside and out.
“She looked frightened,” I said. “I don’t think she was with anyone else. You need to give me her number so I can call her and see if she’s okay.”
Emily frowned, as if she was thinking about it, then she huffed out a smile.
“I love you, Brandon. But I’m not giving you Harper’s number. She’d never speak to me again.”
“Fine. You ring her. But we can’t let her go. She’s… vulnerable.” I was too, and I needed to know she was okay.
“Wow.” Emily’s eyes went wide. “Never thought I’d hear you say that about a girl. You’re really worried about her, aren’t you?”
I leant down to speak low in Emily’s ear.
“I’m not a totally heartless asshole, Winters. Not to everyone, anyway. Now bloody ring her before I tear this whole fucking place down.”
She rolled her eyes at me and reached into the pocket of her jeans. I watched her pull her phone out and tap the security code in. When she did, I grabbed the phone from her and stalked away.
Emily followed me, shouting angrily for me to give it back, but I carried on scrolling through her contacts until I found Harper’s number. I hit the call button and turned to face Emily, putting one finger over my mouth to shush her and then holding her back with my arm.
The phone rang once before it was answered, and a frantic-sounding Harper spoke first.
“Is he okay? Emily? Has something happened? Is he all right? Please, talk to me!”
I couldn’t answer.
I was stunned into silence for the first time in my God-forsaken life.
She was worried about me.
She was scared for me.
Her first thought had been if I was okay. What was I supposed to say to that?
I stayed silent and passed the phone to Emily, who snatched it from my hand and gave me an evil glare for my troubles.
“Hey, Harper. Yes, he’s fine. He took a hit, but it didn’t knock any sense into him. He’s still an arrogant twat.”
I smiled as she spoke, but my heart was beating faster than it had done only minutes ago during my fight. And that adrenaline rush that I always felt after a match? That was through the fucking roof. I didn’t want to hope for anything. Hope usually ended badly for me, but she had me on her mind and that had to mean something, surely?
“He did see you, yeah. I think it distracted him. Oh God, don’t apologise. You’re the last person who should be apologising. Listen, ring or text me when you’re home so I know you’re safe. Everything is fine. He won. Okay? It’s over.”
Emily said her goodbyes and ended the call. All I could hear was, text when you get home.
“She’s not home yet? You should’ve asked where she was. It isn’t safe for her to be out on her own at night.”
“Who said she’s alone?” Emily said nonchalantly, and then she smirked. “Cool it, Rambo. She’s in a taxi, on her own, and she’ll be home in five minutes. Jeez, anyone would think you really liked this girl.” She winked.
“Maybe I should go after her?” I went to walk away, but Emily grabbed my arm.
“Don’t. I think tonight was enough of an eye-opener for her. Give her time, Brandon.”
What did that mean? An eye-opener? She’d seen her brother fight before. Why was my fight any different? If anything, it would’ve been therapy for her, surely?
“She probably didn’t expect to feel the way she did when she saw you tonight.” Emily elaborated. “It can be quite intense watching you up there. I hate it and I’m not as emotionally invested. She snapped her mouth shut and flinched. She’d said something she felt she shouldn’t have.
“What do you mean, emotionally invested? Have you spoken to her about me?”
Emily shuffled her feet. She was crap at hiding her true intentions.
“We had a few chats on the phone. I just read between the lines. Don’t go reading too much into what I say, big man.” She breathed out a sigh of relief when she saw Ryan and Zak coming towards us. “Now, go. Be with your adoring fans and make the most of tonight. It’s not every day you’re made to feel like a living legend.”
“You haven’t lived my life, sweetheart.” I winked, but the bravado I was putting on was for her benefit. Inside, I was a tortured mess of anxiety, and this was the last place I wanted to be.
I don’t know why I went. In some perverse and twisted way, I’d needed to do it to expel a demon that was sitting on my shoulder. What would it be like to see Brandon fight again? Would he show any remorse? Would he be different and more humble, maybe? After what had happened, would it affect him and make him a more guarded fighter?
From the minute he walked into that makeshift ring, he was larger than life. A showman. He had every single person in that room eating out of the palm of his hands, even the ones who were heckling him. They loved him. He loved them. But I hated it. I hated the atmosphere, the overdose of adrenaline and testosterone filling the air, the shouts and catcalls that made me flinch. But most of all, I hated how utterly helpless it made me feel to stand at the sidelines again and watch a fight, feeling like my whole world was about to implode.
I hadn’t expected to feel like that. I thought seeing him would make me angry, and fire up my thirst for revenge, but it did the opposite. It made me nervous, crippled me with anxiety, and just like when Brodie fought, I had to practise my breathing and force myself not to storm forward to stop it all. It was fucking barbaric and it was tearing me apart, still. I couldn’t stand it.
Would I feel like that watching two strangers?
Probably.
But knowing what lay behind that tunnel vision of fury that fired Brandon up made it worse for me.
I cared.
There. I’d admitted it to myself, albeit in my head, but I did care about what happened to him. He’d been through so much; I didn’t want him to have the same ending as Brodie. I couldn’t bear to lose someone else to that sport. If you could call it that. I wanted him to find peace in a different way. I knew he’d be as stubborn as Brodie if he was ever asked to stop fighting. But I hoped that in time, he would find something else that meant more to him than fighting did. He was worth more than that.
I fired a text off to Emily to let her know I was safe. Then I crept through the house, hoping I didn’t wake Mum and Dad, and headed to my room. When I closed the door, I flopped down onto my bed, hoping sleep would take hold and quieten the voices in my head. Voices that I found unsettling, because I didn’t fully understand the emotions they were creating inside me.
Emily text back moments later and told me she’d ring me tomorrow. I didn’t answer. I didn’t feel like engaging anymore with the outside world. I couldn’t
comprehend myself or my feelings at the moment, so I didn’t want to burden anyone else.
What was this guy doing to me?
He’d smashed into my world like a wrecking ball, but the reverberations of his hits just kept on coming. What had started out as destruction all those months ago had turned into something else entirely. He’d forced his way into my life, given no thought to my sanity, and yet, after everything, he was making me feel. Okay, most days it was angry, hurt, and pissed off. But tonight, I’d felt fear, worry, concern. I thought those kind of emotions were dead to me. I thought caring about another human was something I’d struggle to do after having my heart broken. But I guess that’s where I was wrong. I wasn’t the shell of a woman I thought I was. I still had empathy and the ability to show compassion. The fact that I’d shown it to Brandon tonight was a big fucking deal for me.
He’d seen me in the crowd. I’d distracted him and he’d almost got injured because of me. How did it make him feel when he saw me? Did the memories suffocate him? Or was it something else?
I couldn’t stop myself from climbing off the bed and going to my laptop. In all my confusion, one clear thought kept pushing itself to the forefront of my mind. I needed to reach out to him. Even if it was just to make sure he really was okay.
LadyStoneheart23 has joined the chat.
EmoGirl- I did think about going, but I don’t think they’re ready for me yet.
JoeNotExotic- She’s your sister. You could both be missing out on a fab friendship there. You never know, Emo.
EmoGirl- Half sister. And I don’t even know if she wants to speak to me. Mum told me to leave it, but I can’t. Maybe I should send her an email? I found her email address on Facebook.
JoeNotExotic- But you have her real address. It’s always better to meet face-to-face.
EmoGirl- Is it? It wasn’t the best meeting the last time I was in a room with her.
JoeNotExotic- She didn’t know who you were then.
EmoGirl- Hey, Lady. You’re up late. You okay?
LadyStoneheart23- Yeah, I’m good. I think I turned a corner recently.
Legion has joined the chat.
My heart jumped and my hands started to shake.
EmoGirl- That’s always a good thing. Sounds like you’ve made a few breakthroughs then, Lady.
LadyStoneheart23- I had a little help along the way.
Legion- You don’t need anyone’s help, little warrior. All your goals are yours to celebrate.
JoeNotExotic- True, Legion. Very true.
I swallowed my pride and opened up a private chat with him. It was the first time I’d ever private messaged anyone on here without getting a message through first. I really was starting to walk a different path.
LadyStoneheart23- Are you okay?
I clicked send then cursed myself when I reread my message. It sounded so lame. Like I was a parent checking in on him. Guess he’d never had that though, growing up.
Legion- Never worry about me, little warrior. I’m big enough and ugly enough to take care of myself. But the next time you want to leave like that, tell one of us. I don’t like to think of you getting into a taxi on your own.
After taking a beating and winning a fight like that he was online chatting to me and stressing over my ride home.
LadyStoneheart23- I can take care of myself.
Legion- You shouldn’t have to.
I didn’t know what to type back in response.
LadyStoneheart23- I liked what you said about Jensen tonight. He is a piece of shit.
Legion- His time will come. I’m gonna make him regret the day he put his hands on you, believe me. But I’m sorry for what I said about it being that guy’s funeral. I didn’t mean to break open old wounds. I wouldn’t have said that if I knew you were there.
LadyStoneheart23- It was a show. I get it. A circus. It’s fine.
Legion- It’s not. It was thoughtless and I’m sorry.
He’d said sorry. It wasn’t lost on me that Brandon rarely said something like that. He obviously meant it.
LadyStoneheart23- I’m glad I spoke to you tonight.
I knew I’d sleep slightly better knowing I had made the effort. The nightmares would probably still come but lately, they were getting less. Little steps.
Legion- Me too, little warrior.
LadyStoneheart23- Night, Brandon. X
Legion – Night, Harper. X
I logged off and then shook my head.
What was happening to me?
Maybe I did need to see someone, like Mum with Doctor Meredith. I didn’t recognise myself lately and I felt like I was stumbling through each day. Was this some weird Stockholm syndrome without the captivity? Because it was bloody confusing, that was for sure. The man who used to stoke the fire of my revenge was now able to calm the flames, all through a simple online chat. Maybe his method of therapy was helping me more than I realised.
For the next few days, Emily was pretty relentless in her texts and phone calls. She even offered to come round a couple of times, but I’d gotten good at making excuses. It was nice that she cared so much, and I did feel guilty for not reciprocating her enthusiasm. So, after a lot of persuasion on her part, I eventually agreed to go on a girls’ night out with her. In reality, I wasn’t that fussed about doing the whole socialising thing. I liked my own company, but Emily had it all planned out and I didn’t like to keep letting her down. There was only so much a person could take before they turned their back on you forever, and I needed all the friends I could get.
But once that night rolled around, the nerves well and truly set in. What had I agreed to?
Emily told me she’d pick me up at seven. I didn’t have a choice. I also didn’t have a thing to wear, but I settled on ripped skinny jeans and a tight black tank top. I wasn’t really in a dressing-up state of mind yet. Not like I used to be. Those little black dresses would be hanging in my wardrobe for a while longer yet.
When the doorbell rang and Mum opened the door to let Emily in, she hugged me. I pulled away feeling awkward and then reached for my Converse, but she flew forward and yanked them out of my hands.
“No way. Not tonight. Wear these heels.” She grabbed my black stilettos that I hadn’t worn in months and threw my Converse to the back of the shoe cupboard. “Converse are great, but tonight is a heels night. Let your hair down, Harper.”
Mum just chuckled at my distress and sauntered off to the living room, leaving me to argue this one on my own.
“I don’t even know if I can still walk in those,” I moaned. Having blisters for the next week really wasn’t worth the hassle.
“After a few drinks you won’t care.” She laughed back and threw them to the floor in front of me to put on. I didn’t feel like hashing this out anymore, so I did as she’d asked.
Standing up, I remembered how tall and powerful heels made you feel. It actually felt good. Maybe Emily had been right on this one.
I picked up my clutch bag and we headed out to her car. Emily told me that Liv and Effy were going to meet us at the bar. I smiled, but I felt so nervous at the thought of walking in there. Would everyone be looking at me? Feeling sorry for me? I knew I’d need a few drinks just to calm myself down. I was over-thinking everything. What would I even say to these girls? I barely knew them. This was so far out of my comfort zone.
I stayed quiet on the drive over. Emily filled the silence with stories about the Hardy’s and how excited she was to find a new place for her and Ryan so they could have more privacy. I smiled and gave the appropriate responses, and in a way I felt jealous. Emily seemed to have it all figured out. She had Ryan, they were planning a new life together, and she was doing well in her college course. Where was my life heading? My job didn’t even want me there, I had no boyfriend, and I still lived with my parents at twenty-three. But then she started to open up a little about her dad’s trial and I realised she hadn’t always had it easy. The happiness she was living now had been one she’d fought for. Maybe t
hat’s what we all had to do. Fight for what we wanted. Life wouldn’t just come to you. You had to make it happen.
When we got to the bar, Liv and Effy were already inside and had secured a table for us. There was music playing through the speakers, but it wasn’t too loud or busy and I let my shoulders relax slightly as I scanned the room and realised that there was no one here I recognised.
“Has Ryan gone on a boys’ night?” I asked her as we ordered our drinks.
“That’s what he said. I bet they don’t even make it out of Zak’s living room. It’ll probably be a few games of FIFA and a couple of beers.” Emily rolled her eyes but smiled. The way she lit up whenever she spoke about him was infectious.
We carried our drinks over to the table to join the other two, and I found myself joining in more than I thought I would. None of them tiptoed around me, and it was refreshing. At home, my parents spoke to me like a child sometimes, and it grated on me, but I couldn’t get angry at them. They didn’t deserve that. I also understood why they did it. I hadn’t been the most stable person to live with over the last few months.
We were just chatting over our third round of drinks when Liv let out a huge groan.
Tortured Souls (Rebels of Sandland Book 2) Page 19
