“No, I’ll go with you.” Mum’s eyes went wide as I spoke and Dad’s face shot up in surprise.
“Are you sure?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’m sure. We’re a family. You shouldn’t have to do it alone.”
“We’re never alone.” Mum gave Dad a look that radiated love and made me feel warm and hopeful. “We always have each other.” Then she turned to me and reached out to squeeze my arm. “Always.”
When we got to the churchyard, Mum got busy cleaning the leaves away and brushed over Brodie’s headstone to make sure everything was up to her standards. Dad took the old flowers out and went off to collect water, striding towards the communal tap with purpose. And I stood there in a daze, watching this strange ritual they had that I knew nothing about.
“Did you want to start cutting the flowers down? I’ve got scissors in my bag.” Mum pointed to the rucksack on the floor that she kept in the boot of the car for their visits.
When I knelt down to look inside, there were shears, a scrubbing brush, cleaning products, and everything else she’d need to keep Brodie’s graveside looking immaculate.
“I did buy some fake flowers in the week. I thought I’d save those for winter though, just in case we ever get snowed in and can’t make it up here.” She ran her hand over the marble headstone and touched the lettering that spelt out his name. “I like to keep you looking good, don’t I, Brodie?” She sighed.
I opened the bunch of brightly coloured flowers and started to trim the stems.
“Zinnias,” she said, like I knew what she was on about.
“What?”
“They’re zinnias.” She nodded at the lively explosion of colour nestled inside the bouquet. “They last the longest. Or at least, that’s what google told me. I know it’s silly and he’s not really here. But this is all we have now. Doctor Meredith said it helps to be able to talk to him. I like to talk to him here.”
Dad came up behind Mum and bent down to kiss the top of her head. “Whatever helps to get us through the day, hey?”
We worked together in silence for a few minutes, cleaning, trimming, and arranging everything. When the last flower was set in place, Dad gathered up the discarded cuttings and rubbish and stood up.
“Shall we take these to the bin and then have a little walk around? Give Harper and Brodie a few minutes alone?” he asked Mum.
“I think that’s a good idea,” she replied, although she looked torn between wanting to stay and leaving us behind.
“Thanks.” I stayed sitting on the ground next to Brodie’s grave. I was grateful that they were giving me some time alone. The things I wanted to say I didn’t feel I could say in front of them.
“We’ll be over there when you need us.” Dad pointed to a gazebo in the middle of the graveyard, with benches evenly placed around the edge. “No rush, love.”
I watched them walk off and when I felt satisfied they were far enough away not to hear me I turned to look at the cold marble.
“I never thought I’d be talking to you like this, but then I didn’t expect a lot of things to happen recently. I think I’ve gone through every emotion there is since you left us.
“I hated you for leaving. I was angry that you did this to us and to yourself. Why didn’t you ever listen to me? I had a bad feeling that night, but you wouldn’t stop and…” I took a breath. I needed to slow my racing thoughts and jumbled words.
“What’s the point in hashing it all out again? One of the main things I’ve come to learn through the heartache, anger, loss, and guilt is acceptance. Acceptance for the things I can’t change. For the life I have to live now. You were always going to do what you wanted to do and that’s okay. It was your life to lead. But now, I have to lead mine.”
I stroked my fingers through the soft grass and felt a calmness settle over me.
“I know you’re probably looking down on me and thinking I’m making a right royal balls-up of it all. Maybe I am, but I can only go on what I feel, and after doing the right thing for so long, I want to do what I want for a change. What feels right for me. Choose a path that hasn’t been dictated by anyone else. Damn it, Brodie, even my school years were controlled by you. You wouldn’t let me be in your class. You shut me out for the most part, and now I know why.”
This was the part I was dreading. Telling him that I knew what he had done and trying to come to terms with it.
“Why did you do it? Why would you want to make another person feel so shitty just to make yourself look big in front of your friends? Friends who were really crap at having your back, by the way. Do you know what Jensen did? Did you watch him hit me? Brandon did. He’s also been the only person, apart from Emily and Ryan, that’ve stood by me through this. You have really shitty taste in friends. I sometimes find myself wondering what it’d be like if you’d been on their side, the Renaissance men, I mean. How different would our lives be now? You’d probably still be here for one. But I can’t change anything and daydreaming about what ifs isn’t ever going to bring you back or make anything about this feel right.
“I guess what I’m trying to say, in my rambling, bumbling way, is that I forgive you. I forgive you for the God-awful mistakes you made back in school. I know that deep down you were a good person. You did something wicked. So, so wrong. But that’s your cross to bear, and if there is a heaven, I’m pretty certain you’ll be doing everything you can up there to make amends.”
I glanced up at the sky, the weight of guilt already drifting slowly away.
“He made mistakes too, but he’s a good man, Brodie. I know you and he would’ve never seen eye-to-eye. You’re probably pulling your hair out right now and telling me it’s too soon, I don’t know him, he’s using me. But I don’t feel that.”
I took another deep breath and tried to make sense of my puzzled mind.
“I’m not here looking for your approval. I know you well enough to know you’d never give it. I’m here to tell you that he makes me happy. If he ever stops making me happy, I’ll walk away. After everything I’ve been through, I’m finally beginning to accept my own self-worth. I deserve more. I lived in your shadow for long enough and I like having the sun on my face for a change. I’m not saying I don’t miss you every hour of every day, because I do. There’ll always be a part of me that feels empty and lost without you. But he makes those dark days more bearable.
“He never meant for any of this to happen. I know there was no love lost between the two of you, but he isn’t a killer. If he could go back and change it, he would.
“Anyway, what I’m trying to say is I’m with Brandon now. But I don’t want you to think this means I’ve forgotten about you, or I condone anything about that night. Life is shit sometimes, but we have to make the best of what we have. This is me making the best of it.”
I couldn’t stop myself from smiling, thinking about the chocolate bars, and then all the online messages, and the way he’d treated me since he’d stepped out of the shadows to face the music.
“He reminds me of you. He’s a little off-the-wall sometimes, and he hasn’t got the first clue about dating. He says stupid shit because he doesn’t think, but it isn’t because he’s thoughtless. He acts before he engages his brain, just like you. He puts everyone else before himself, and he gets it wrong probably more times than he gets it right, but that’s what I love about him. He’s real, Brodie. What you see is what you get. He might be a little rough around the edges, a little coarse for some people, but not me. I like him. A lot. Hell, what am I saying? I love him. And I am one hundred percent dreading telling Mum and Dad about this.”
I peered over my shoulder to see Mum and Dad sat huddled together on a bench in the gazebo, both of them staring right at me.
“I think I’ll need to work up to that one, but coming here today and telling you is a start. Another step forward.”
I pushed myself up off the floor and ran my hand over the top of his gravestone.
“I’ll see you soon, Brodie. I lo
ve you, bro.”
I made my way over to my parents, and Dad stood up and held his arms open, ready to hug me. I buried my face in his chest and breathed him in. There was a serenity inside of me that I hadn’t felt for a long time. Whether that was because I’d lifted some of the burden from my shoulders after talking to Brodie, or because being held by my dad always made things feel less hopeless, I didn’t know. To be honest, it was probably a mixture of both of those things. I was lucky I had such supportive, loving parents. Brandon didn’t have that, and the thought made me ache for him. It made me want to hold him in my arms and give him that feeling that he’d missed out on all his life.
I pulled away, but my dad kept his arm around my shoulder.
“We’re doing okay, you know,” he said. “Our little family is doing okay.”
Mum sniffed back a tear, and I smiled.
“I think I might join you the next time you visit Doctor Meredith.”
Mum’s face lit up.
“Are you sure, Harper? I mean, I would love that, and Meredith had reserved a space for you, in case you ever changed your mind. She’s ready whenever you are.”
“I wasn’t ready before, but I am now. I think counselling will help me to come to terms with things and remember Brodie the way I want to.”
Dad squeezed my shoulder in support and Mum stood up to give me a hug.
“This is the best news I’ve had in a long time,” she said. “I love our little family. I love you both so much. Brodie too.”
She started to cry, and we held each other. Just like we had done on the day Brodie died, and at his funeral after that. We’d hold each other up for as long as we needed to until we could each stand tall again in our own right. Because that’s what a family does.
It works together.
It builds you up.
It gives you strength when you don’t have any of your own. I wanted that for Brandon too. And maybe, in time, we could build that together.
I didn’t want to leave her like I did. I stayed awake half the night, watching her sleep and stroking her hair because she just looked so damn beautiful. But in the morning, I heard the front door close, and I knew I had to get out of there. I didn’t want to put her in a position where she had to smuggle me out or lie to her parents. So, I did the decent thing, and I climbed out the window. It wasn’t like I was going into her garden blind; I knew it like the back of my hand.
It hurt like hell to go without saying goodbye though. I wondered if we’d ever get to a point where I could walk in through her front door, say hello to her mum and dad without them wanting to gouge my eyes out, and just be what I wanted to be to her.
Her boyfriend.
Someone she leaned on.
Her everything.
I dropped by my nan’s for a quick shower, threw on a clean t-shirt and some sweats, and then headed over to Zak’s place. The lads had been blowing up my phone since I’d switched it off yesterday, and they were having a meeting this morning to discuss some bullshit I couldn’t even focus on. All I could think about was what her face would’ve looked like when she woke up and saw that I’d gone.
Would she think I’d regretted it?
That I couldn’t face the morning after the night before?
I fired off a quick text to the lads to let them know I was on my way, then I sent one to Harper, hoping I’d say the right thing.
Brandon: I didn’t want to leave you this morning. I’m sorry that I did. Thought it best to avoid your parents. I’m sorry.
She didn’t reply for a while, and I’ve got to admit, it messed with my head. But when my phone eventually lit up with an incoming message, every muscle in my body tensed in anticipation.
Harper: I get it. I understand. You’ve got nothing to apologise for. I know you prefer using the garden fence instead of the front door anyway.
She added a cheeky winking emoji to let me know there were no hard feelings and it helped me to relax somewhat.
Brandon: What can I say? I’m very flexible.
I sent my response then slapped my own face at how lame I sounded. I needed better banter.
Harper: I know exactly how flexible you are. I like it too.
I chuckled. She’d added another winking emoji and I knew that would keep me going through the day. My banter I could work on. At least she didn’t hate me.
She liked me.
She said she loved me, but I knew not to get my hopes up on that front. People said things in the heat of the moment. I wanted to believe that a girl like her could love a guy like me, but judging from my past history, I knew I needed to prepare myself for a fall.
When I knocked on Zak’s door a little while later, Ryan answered and walked away without uttering a word when he saw it was me, leaving me to close the door myself.
“Nice to see you too, fucker.” I slammed it shut and Finn jumped out of his skin.
What was his deal?
“Thought you’d gone AWOL again, mate.” Ryan smirked as he sat his ass down in the seat I always claimed as mine whenever I was here. Fucker knew it’d piss me off, but he didn’t care.
I sauntered across the room to stand over him. “I think you’re in my chair.” He just folded his arms and stared back up at me, grinning like a motherfucker.
“You can have it back when I leave. I can’t stay long, anyway. Em is in court today. She’s got to give evidence at her dad’s trial.”
I would’ve argued my case, but I figured he’d probably have enough stress without me adding to it. Sitting in a courtroom watching Emily’s dad worm his way out of a long stretch in prison for fraud and manslaughter was enough to push anyone over the edge.
“How’s that all going?” Zak asked as he tapped away in the corner on his laptop and kept his eyes glued to the screen. Ignorant fucker. I sat down next to Finn and took the can of Coke out of his hands to take a swig. He didn’t complain. He never did.
“It’s not going great for him, I’m not gonna lie. Her mum’s due a wake-up call too when he eventually goes down for it. She’s convinced he’ll get off. Doesn’t matter what we tell her. The woman is a nutcase.”
Ryan knew as well as the rest of us that this trial was a fucking joke, a circus for the media. The odds were stacked against Emily’s dad. We’d made sure of that. The sooner they locked him up, the better.
“Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.” I laughed, handing Finn back his empty can of Coke. “So, why are we here? Did you miss my handsome mug? Is that it?”
“Make the most of it, mate. Once Murphy has you fighting for him, you’ll look more like Gollum than ever before.” Ryan thought he was fucking funny, but he needed to leave the comedy to the experts. I was about to tell him as much when Finn cut me off.
“You’re fighting for Pat Murphy? I thought you said you wouldn’t do that?”
Why did the disappointment on Finn’s face hurt more than anything else? You’d think I’d kicked his puppy by the way he was eyeballing me.
“I didn’t tell him,” Ryan added, looking anywhere but where I was sitting. “Figured it was your news to tell. Sorry.”
I rubbed my hands over my face. I knew Finn was a sensitive little fucker, but I didn’t think he’d be bothered about something like this.
“It won’t affect anything with us,” I said, turning to face him on the sofa. “Pat’s gonna schedule fights around our business. Don’t worry, mate. You’re still my number one.” I grabbed his knee and gave it a shake like he was a kid, and I was putting his mind at rest.
“And if you believe that, you’ll believe anything,” Zak piped up, and I threw him a filthy look. “Pat will do what Pat wants to do. Good luck to you, though. You’re gonna need it.”
I huffed out on a grin and shook my head. Was he for fucking real?
“Thanks for the vote of confidence. I won’t need luck, though. I have skill.”
“I don’t mean luck with the fight. I’m talking about the business side of it.”
I co
uld see Ryan out of the corner of my eye watching Zak and probably second guessing that I was moments away from calling him out on his bullshit advice. So he cut in, doing what he always does best; distracting me from making a dickhead of myself.
“Have you told Harper yet?”
Zak stopped typing to look up and I felt Finn’s eyes burning holes into me. Ryan really was good at keeping things on the downlow. Looked like they didn’t know a thing about me and her.
“Nope.” I kept my poker face in check and waited for one of them to scoff at the ridiculousness of her being with someone like me.
“So, its official?” Zak asked. “You and her? You’re a thing?”
“Yes. Do you have a problem with that?”
He held his hands up in defence and then smirked. I looked across at Finn and he was holding back a fucking grin too.
“I’m not pussy whipped, if that’s what you mean.”
“That’s the last thing we’d accuse you of.” Zak laughed.
“Like I said, have you told her?” Ryan sighed and pinned the other two with a keep-your-mouth-shut glare before turning to me.
“It’s not that I’m hiding it,” I admitted, because it was true. “Last night wasn’t the right time. But she knows what she’s getting into. She knows who I am, and she said as much herself. So, thanks for your concern, but we’re good.”
“I hope for both your sakes you’re right.” Ryan flicked through his mobile phone, pretending to look like he didn’t give a shit.
“Whatever. I’m not here to talk about how awesome it’s gonna be when I’m the world champion. Wouldn’t want any of you to feel inferior.” Both Ryan and Zak scoffed at me, but not Finn.
Tortured Souls (Rebels of Sandland Book 2) Page 24
