by J. K Harper
Jessie nodded, a small smile playing across her face. But all she said was, "Sure. Have fun."
Cortez didn't let go of Haley's hand. This, he decided, felt damned good. Being with Haley felt good. He didn't know why, but she was someone he wanted to know.
Even more importantly, he wanted her to know him. Squeezing her hand gently, he led her outside. The way she let him do it, totally trusting him, made him feel like a fuckin' hero. Maybe for once, he wouldn't fuck something up.
5
When Cortez finally let go of her hand so she could shrug on her jacket just before they went outside, Haley's fingers tingled and felt kind of cold. Holding his hand felt good. Danger, her mind shouted at her. She shrugged her shoulders as she pulled on her jacket. So what? It was just holding hands. Just a physical thing, nothing more. It felt nice, like a good man should feel. No danger, she thought sternly back at herself. Then she giggled out loud because she was talking to herself in her mind.
Cortez glanced at her as he easily ranged by her side, gesturing toward a clear path that led toward the cute little cabins in the distance. A wide smile broke over his face. "What's funny?"
She liked the way his voice sounded. Every time he spoke, she enjoyed it. "Nothing really. Just having a conversation with myself in my head. It's kind of silly."
He grinned over at her and shook his head. "That's okay. We've got plenty of crazy around here. Trust me, you'll fit right in." His smile slid away a bit and his voice got more serious. "Sorry about that back there. It was a dick thing of him to do. It had nothing to do with you. Trust me, that's all Riley's—stuff."
Sunlight scattered around them as they walked through the bracing air. "He seemed really mad. I've never been that close to an angry bear shifter before."
"Have you even been that close to any angry shifter before?" He sounded genuinely curious.
Haley nodded. "Yeah, but not when they were angry at me. Was Riley—" she hesitated for a long moment, trying to frame the words right. Cortez didn't push, just waited in an easy way that made her feel relaxed. "It sounded like humans have caused some bad trouble here. For him in particular?" Cortez's knuckles just brushed the back of her hand as they walked side by side, warming her.
He sighed. "Yeah. A long time ago, when his cubs were about Grant's age."
As he spoke he gave her a long, assessing look. She looked back at him, quietly letting him examine her. She had no idea what he was about to say, so she shouldn't have anything to hide. Finally he blew out a long breath, one that mingled sadness as well as a hint of the anger that Riley carried like a brightly burning torch. "It was his mate. She was hunted down and shot by humans."
Haley gasped, stopping dead on the pathway to stare at Cortez in horror. He stopped too, looking at her steadily, his eyes darkening. "They were hunters,” he said in a careful, almost bland voice. “But not hunters like you think most humans are, like going out and shooting animals for food or for sport. These were shifter hunters. They're humans who know about us, hate us, and deliberately stalk us to kill. They don't want us to exist. Some of them somehow found out about Deep Hollow and came here. They flushed out Riley's mate when she was out alone with the cubs. We figured they must have been watching her for days."
Haley's blood ran cold even though Cortez's voice remained flat as he told the terrible story.
"She stashed the cubs in their bear form up in some ledges on the other side of the ridge. Told them not to move, not to make a sound, practically not to breathe until someone they knew, from their clan, came to get them. No one else. Then she ran, in her bear form, leading the hunters away from her cubs. She could have taken them on herself, easy, except they had guns. They shot her in cold blood. They knew what she was, and they murdered her. Luckily it was far away enough that the cubs didn't have to see it, but they heard the shot. It still haunts him sometimes in nightmares." As he said that part, Cortez's voice finally cracked.
Tears burned in Haley's eyes and her throat choked. Her voice also a cracked whisper, she forced out, "No wonder he looked at me like he might hate me." She remembered the cold, haunted look in Riley's eyes as he'd glared at her.
Cortez shook his head, hard, reaching his hands out to gently grasp her arms. His grip was warm, strong and sheltering. "No way. He doesn't hate you. He doesn't even know you. It's just like he said, he has a hard time trusting anyone anymore. It's been years, but he can't shake it. He barely trusts the humans here now, even though he knows not a single one of them would ever do anything to expose us. Half the humans in town are mated to shifters anyway. But knowing that you're a writer, and that you already know about shifters—"
Haley shook her head. "I would never, ever write about shifters. I don't even know much of anything about them. My one shifter friend told me a lot of stuff, but not about bear shifters. I don't know anything about bear shifters." The shocking pain of the awful story still iced through her. "I don't know anything about you and your kind, Cortez. And I don't even like saying it that way."
He gently squeezed her arms, then let go. But his eyes still held her. "Saying it what way?"
"Your kind. Like you're different than me. Like you're other." She looked into his eyes, searching for the bear in them. But all she could see was the strong yet gentle man. Riley hadn't been right about her. She wasn't here to spy on shifters. But she somehow desperately wanted Cortez to know all her secrets.
Cortez crooked up the side of his mouth and one eyebrow, turning and gesturing up the path with his chin that they should keep walking. "We are different, Haley. That's why you got scared. He scared Jessie, too. It's one of the reasons why Shane wants her to turn. So she'll be stronger, so she can protect herself if she needs to. But he won't force it. It'll only happen if she wants to."
They walked in easy silence for another minute before Haley ventured, "Is that common? Like if a human gets together with a shifter, the human eventually wants to become a shifter too?"
Cortez shrugged. "A lot of them do. It can be easier that way.”
Haley watched her footsteps for several strides, letting herself get lost in the way they crunched the snow and kicked up a few flakes of it now and then. "I thought about it a lot. I mean," she stumbled, "not that I would actually do it. But I have tried to imagine what it would be like.” Her voice was wistful. “To be able to shift into something that wild and free and fierce. It would be so incredible. Even though it also seems really intense."
"It is, sometimes. Here." Cortez stopped suddenly at a narrow, snow beaten-down path that led off deep into the woods. “We're going this way."
Haley stared down the path somewhat suspiciously. "Where are you taking me?"
He laughed, that deep, easy rumble of sound that seemed to roll over her very skin. Ooh, she liked it. A lot. "An overlook. You'll really like it. We can finish our lunch there." The path was just wide enough for two people abreast. He started down it, reaching down again for her hand, gently tugging her forward.
A smile rippled over her face. Cortez was a giant, yes. He was a big, ferocious bear shifter. But despite that, she instinctively felt completely safe around him. She trusted him with wherever he was taking her.
As they walked through the tall pines, some of which Haley recognized as Engelmann spruce with their blue-tipped needles and the towering ponderosas with trunks huge enough that even a group of people would barely be able to put their arms around them, she listened to the quiet sounds around them. Their feet crunching on the snow, the occasional light, warbled call of a bird in the distance, one or two muted bursts of sound from behind them that might've been vehicles starting up or doors slamming or people laughing. The sharp air held the crisp, clean scent of the outdoors that she'd come to love during the past week she'd been here. She was already in love with the little town below, and now she thought she also could fall in love with these wild, big mountains.
"It is so beautiful up here." She used a hushed voice, not wanting to break the silence, but una
ble keep her happiness at the simple moment to herself. “Do you live up here? Or in town?"
"I've got a place in town, but it's just a rental. I'm working on building my house."
She was impressed. "A man of many talents. Is your house down in town too?"
Cortez shook his head, the shadowed light that cut through the branches of the trees overhead glinting on his hair. "It's halfway between town and up here. It's great up here and all that, but I never worked full-time at the lodge like the others do. I wanted some distance."
"So how far along on it are you?" she asked. There was a pause. She looked at him again and caught a flash of something on his face that she couldn't quite read. She waited quietly, just like he'd done for her earlier. But instead of answering, he pointed ahead of them.
"There's our lunch spot. Go on and take a look, pretty Haley."
Haley looked and inhaled with quick delight. Ahead of them, the little trail through the trees suddenly opened up in bright sunshine, seeming as if it dropped off into nothing but blue sky. She sped up, eager to see the special place this big, different, interesting guy wanted to take her. Funny how her ex, Justin, never liked to take her anywhere. She frowned away the unwelcome memory of him and looked ahead. Cortez chuckled behind her, but his footsteps quickened as well. Grinning, she trotted the last few yards to be sure she got there first. But when she was just past the trees and could see what opened up in front of her, all thoughts about a silly little footrace left her.
"Oh, wow, Cortez," she breathed, stunned. "This is spectacular." Before her, an enormous view spread, consisting of the snow-covered San Juans spanning out as far as the eye could see, the town of Deep Hollow tucked far below them, the pine-dotted white ridges and flanks of the mountains. The bluebird sky was so deep and pure in the Colorado sunshine that it seemed almost violet, contrasting sharply with the blazing white snow everywhere. The view was so immense, so breathtaking, that Haley just stared. Cortez stepped up beside her. He looked out over the view in what she thought was an equally appreciative silence. Her skin prickled in his presence, tingly and hyper aware of him.
Very quietly, half afraid to break the enormous beauty with the small sound of her voice, she asked him the same question she'd asked Jessie earlier. "Do you ever get used to it here? To how beautiful it is, I mean."
She saw him shake his head out of the corner of her eye. “Nope. This place gives me energy. It gives my bear space to roam, and it's home. It's where I work.”
She suddenly realized she had no idea what he did for a living. “Doing what?”
He gestured toward a long bench she hadn't even noticed, snugly nestled onto a block set on the ground, the base covered in snow although the entire bench itself had been carefully cleared. “We can eat here. Will you be warm enough?”
Definitely. She felt warm just at the fact that he cared. Her cheeks stretched even more into the smile she already wore. “I've got enough layers to stay very warm. Thanks.” Her stomach growled and she laughed at it. Settling onto the bench, she pulled out the rest of her sandwich, still wrapped in its paper towel.
Cortez settled in beside her, a huge presence of heat and strength and, oddly enough, something that felt like safety. He unwrapped his own sandwich, but before he took a bite, he answered her question. “I used to do construction around town, sometimes a job or two over in Durango. But things started drying up with the housing economy taking a crap, so I had to find something else.” He shrugged, and she suddenly felt him hesitate again. Like he wasn't sure how to say whatever he was going to say. “I have an outdoor guiding business. I run tours for the lodge. Just started doing it about three or four months ago.”
Tours? That sounded interesting. “What kind of tours?” she asked before taking a big bite of her sandwich. Dang, it was a really good sandwich. Cortez was a master sandwich-maker.
“Just about any kind of tour. This time of year I take folks snowshoeing, or out for a ride in the sleigh.”
Haley sat up straight and twisted a bit to look at him, her sandwich momentarily forgotten. “You take people on sleigh rides? Like with jingle bells and everything?” A sleigh ride in the snow sounded like the most magical thing ever.
Cortez laughed at her expression, his face crinkling into the friendliness she realized must make him a great guide. That and the fact that he probably was really good at making everyone feel safe. “Exactly like that. And yeah, people love it.” His face darkened briefly. “Well, most people. Ones who aren't stuck-up panther shifters from the east coast out to have an adventure in the sticks.” He took a savage bite of his sandwich and chewed like he was imagining it was a pantherwich.
Her sandwich was the last thing on her mind now. Enormous kitties with sharp claws and big teeth filled it instead. “Uh...panther shifters?”
“Yeah, it's just another name for mountain lions.” Chomp as he savagely chewed another bite before going on. “I had some clients that were obnoxious and insisted on being called panthers. They were a massive pain in the ass.”
“I wouldn't be.” She imagined the sound of jingling bells, the whisper of sleigh runners over the snow. “I'd be so happy to go on a sleigh ride. I'd be the nicest client ever.”
Cortez said, in a super casual voice, “Well, I could take you some time. But I don't think you're allowed to have any fun. I'm pretty sure you have to spend all your time working. Work, work, work. Nothing but work.”
Haley bumped his shoulder with hers as hard as she could, uttering an indignant, “Hey!” Her shove barely moved him, though he grunted. But a big grin was on his face. Maybe a grin as big as hers.
Fine. This was fun. She was allowed to have fun for a minute, at least.
They sat in a companionable silence, finishing their sandwiches, brushing the crumbs off their laps into the snow. Cortez pulled out the little insulated bottles of hot cocoa and handed her one. As they sat and looked at the crazy gorgeous view, Haley felt more than just companionable. She felt totally comfortable. Relaxed. Like she belonged here. Here in these wild mountains, sitting beside this wild man. It just felt...right. But she did have a question. Slowly, carefully, she worked up her nerve to ask him.
“Cortez, about what you said the other morning.”
He stiffened beside her but nodded. He knew what she meant. She said it anyway, just to be sure. “What you said about enjoying every day until you die. That there are no second chances at life. What did you mean by that? Was it about Riley's...mate?” She kept her voice soft and her eyes trained on the faraway dark dots that were trees on the mountains.
Her heart thumped hard as she waited for his answer. It was a big question, a personal question. She really didn't know him well enough to ask it. Then again, he'd volunteered the information himself. She did the same thing when she wanted someone to really look at her. To see her. To listen to her. Just maybe, Cortez had that same deep longing. For some reason, she wanted him to know her—and she really, really wanted to know him.
He turned his head to look at her. His face was still, the smile gone, his eyes searching hers with a piercing gaze she could feel straight to her soul. She wanted to flinch but didn't, making herself sit still and look back at him, waiting. Whatever it was, she wanted to hear it.
He took a breath, held it for a moment, exhaled it slowly. "For years, I was a volunteer for the local search and rescue team. Was actually the head of it for a long time. Whenever anyone gets into trouble in the mountains out here, just out having fun and then something just goes wrong, they get hurt or lost, search and rescue is called up and we go out to find them. All of this, everything you can see out there,” he waved a hand to indicate the big expanse of mountains, “was our area. I know every inch of those mountains. My backyard, my playground, and when I was out on a call, my workplace.”
His voice lowered, softened, even as his eyes went bright and hard. He was about to say something really big, she could feel it. Something dark and sad too.
“I'm supposed to
help rescue people, Haley. Instead, one day last year I ended the lives of two people I cared about. Friends. Coworkers. Guys who relied on me to have their back. There was an avalanche, and I was in the lead. I was supposed to read the snow, to make a call on if it was safe to cross or not. I made the wrong fucking call. I'm well-trained in avalanche safety, but I made the wrong call.” His voice was flat, almost monotone. “I was responsible for their safety, and I fucked it up. They will never have fun again. So," he shrugged, still holding her now frozen gaze, "now I have fun for them."
Silence was a huge chasm between them this time. Not companionable. Not comfortable. Haley just stared at him, words again choked in her throat.
He didn't say anything for a long moment, just studying her reaction. Then he went on. "Riley's story is bad enough, right? It's more pain and sadness than anyone needs for a lifetime. As a result, he really doesn't trust humans. That sucks and it's awful, and we all understand why he's like that. We're all trying to help him, and we hope that one day things won't be so hard for him anymore. But mine's just as shitty, in a different way. It's almost worse.” The softness of his voice was a stark, almost mocking contrast to his words. “Because I was the one responsible. So I can't trust myself. I can't rescue anyone anymore. I'm fucking broken in that department."
He looked at her long and hard, his face still and waiting. Waiting for her to respond to that. To respond to his admission that his mistake had cost lives. That it was only a mistake, people made mistakes.
“I—you—I don't believe that.” She swallowed, trying to say more, but she didn't know what. Damn it. Haley the writer, Haley the wordsmith, what a joke right now. She wanted to be able to say a thousand different things to take that look off his face, but everything jumbled up in her head and nothing would make sense. She didn't know how to say that it was okay, she didn't think less of him, that he wasn't broken.
She couldn't possibly find those words for him when she didn't have them for herself.
