by Sara Summers
Then, I cried as hard as I had that first day after the surgery. Leah and Marley weren’t there to make me feel better, though.
I leaned my head back in the bathtub, my eyes filling with tears yet again. They weren’t tears of anger or sorrow, but tears of pain. Because of the family I’d been born into, I would never have kids. Steven made sure of that.
Jordie knocked on the door, interrupting sad-memory lane.
“Sav? Can I come in?”
“No.” I called back, but my voice shook.
It was his apartment; he knew how to break into all the doors. He came in a minute later, holding the toothpick he had used to unlock it from the outside.
“Please don’t pull back the curtain.” I asked, my voice and hands wobbling.
“I won’t if you don’t want me to.” He said quietly. “I’m sorry, I should’ve been more sensitive. I know we haven’t really talked about it.”
“It’s okay, it’s an easy mistake to make.” I whispered.
“It’s not okay.” He disagreed. “I promise, I’ll be more careful.”
“Okay.” My words were so quiet I wasn’t sure he heard them.
“Listen, I know you can’t have kids, and I already told you that it doesn’t change the way I feel about you. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” He repeated.
I didn’t say anything, sitting in my hot water and pleading with my eyes to stop watering.
He put his hand through the curtain, leaving it there for me to take.
“I love you, and I wasn’t referring to any kids you’d give birth to. I just figure that eventually we’ll want to adopt or foster some kids or something, and they’ll want to hear our stories.”
I sniffed, wiping away tears with water from the bath.
“I can go if you want.” He said, after a few minutes of quiet.
“Stay.” I whispered, taking his hand and holding on for dear life. “Please.”
“You know you don’t have to suffer alone, right? I can hurt with you.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.” I bit back a sob.
“What if I want you to? I can handle the pain.” He reminded me. “I’ve carried around plenty of my own.”
“You don’t have to take my pain.” I let go of his hand. “I’m strong enough.” I swallowed the lump in my throat, forcing myself to believe what I knew wasn’t true.
“Please let me in.” Jordie begged.
I closed my eyes and tried to fight the war. Instead, I yawned. I was just as tired of carrying my burden as I was of traveling.
“Alright.” I whispered.
I didn’t bother combing my hair after getting dressed, just climbed into bed with Jordie and letting him pull my body against his. He held me tight, his warmth seeping through our clothes.
I told him everything; all the pain I’d suffered, all the feelings I’d been lugging around. My sadness, my anger, my sorrow. The bad memories, the things that shouldn’t have hurt me that did… I gave all of it to Jordie.
With him helping me carry it, the load didn’t feel quite so heavy after all.
Chapter 11
I slept in the next morning, barely waking up when Jordie kissed me goodbye.
After sleeping for another thirty or forty minutes, I got up to eat breakfast. My eyes felt a little puffy, but for the first time in a long time, I felt at peace with my body. I was still sad that I couldn’t have kids. That would never go away. However, I didn’t feel the pain that usually accompanied that sadness.
Padding into the kitchen in my t-shirt and the fuzzy socks I refuse to admit to stealing, I found a note sitting on the counter next to a plate of scrambled eggs and sausage.
The food was tempting, but the note infinitely more so.
I unfolded the paper and read:
Dear Savanna,
I hope you know that I love you. I’ve told you a bunch of times, but I’ll say it every day for the rest of our lives. I love you, and I’m so lucky to have you.
Thank you for trusting me enough to let me in. You make my life infinitely better than it used to be. I love your soft, short hair. I love your body, and I love being with you. I really love your heart, more than anything else I love about you. You’re incredible, and I swear I’ll go down in history as the one man with the privilege of being soulmates with the best woman in the world.
I love you. I really, really love you.
Even though you steal my socks.
Love,
Jordie
My eyes filled with tears again and for once I didn’t try to stop them. Love letters really were as good as I’d said on my blog.
I quickly ate the breakfast he’d left me, then sat on the couch and opened my computer. Though I wanted to write my story, there was something more important I needed to write.
A blog post I had been avoiding for months.
The words flowed like they could only when I spoke from the very inside of my heart, and as they did, my fingers flew across the keyboard.
Readers,
I know I’ve been avoiding the topic of love and romance. It’s because I’ve been hiding from it for months, or years even.
Nine months ago, my mate mark (it covers my arm) started tingling. As all female shifters know, that happens once in your life: when your soulmate is very close by. My arm tingled, and I stood up. I mistakenly thought my mate was someone other than who it was, and I ran.
The following months I spent in various places around the world, as you’ve probably read. However, I left out some key parts of my traveling. My mate followed me the whole time. My arm tingled ten or eleven times through those months, but I only saw him twice.
He was always there to help me when I needed something, though I wouldn’t admit I needed it, and he never left me alone.
He protected me even though I ran from him.
Now I’ve gotten to know him, and he’s the best man I’ve ever met. He’s imperfect, like all of us, but he’s perfect for me. He listens and is here for me the way a soulmate should be.
I never dreamed I’d be this lucky, and now that I am, I don’t even know what to do.
I won’t be traveling anymore, but if you want to keep checking the blog I’ll still post stories and pictures and things. My life will still move forward, but I’m done running from my fate.
Love, Savvy
I reached up to wipe the tears off my face, struggling to keep myself together as I pushed the post button. As soon as I did, I knew I wasn’t finished. I still had more to say.
The next post, I titled, “P.S.”
I know I said I was done, but I’m not. I learned a few things I feel like I should say, so here’s 3 things I think everyone should know about love.
It doesn’t happen in an instant. Real love builds with time and gets stronger the more you suffer. Maybe that’s a sucky thing to accept, but it’s completely true.
If you want to love and be loved in return, you have to let the other person in. You have to show them your deep, dark secrets, and you have to let them see your scars. You must be willing to break open to them, else they’ll be falling in love with someone who is entirely not you.
You have to go after it. Whether you’re the girl or the guy, you can’t be afraid to love someone even if they don’t feel the same way. Someone has to risk their heart first, and you can’t wait for the other person to do it. Don’t be afraid to go after the love that you want.
I’m sure some people will hate me for saying this. Human relationships are different from shifter ones after all, because you’re aiming to make a choice about whether or not you should be with that person. But at the same time, shifters have to make that choice too.
Simply knowing that you have the right person doesn’t guarantee instant-love. That only happens with Ramen. All it really guarantees is that at some point, you’ll have to choose whether or not you’re willing to do what it takes to build real love.
I’d say do whatever it takes. Don’t
be afraid of getting hurt; love is worth the pain.
Take it from someone who ran away from their soulmate for eight months: Love is worth it.
It’s worth everything.
Thanks for reading,
Love, Savvy
This time, when I pushed the post button, I knew without any doubt that I had said what I needed to. If it costed me readers, then so be it. As a writer it was my duty to tell the truth, and that’s what I did.
I grabbed some water, then opened the document for the story I’d been writing. There was so much more that needed to be said on the ghost front, and I was ready to say it.
I wrote until Jordie got back. When he walked through the door, I ran to give him a hug.
“I love you.” I whispered, then grabbed his face and kissed him.
“I love you too.” He murmured, pulling my body to his. Our kiss started slow, but became frantic. He pushed me to the wall, then picked me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist, kissing him for a good long time.
I never imagined I’d find someone to love me the way Jordie did, and that kind of love changes a person. It definitely changed me.
Chapter 12
The next morning, I woke up early enough to make Jordie pancakes and bacon before he had to go. He traded a kiss for the plate, and then asked,
“Will you go to dinner with me tonight?” as he grabbed his keys.
“Are you asking me on a date?” I lifted my eyebrows, the corners of my mouth slowly lifting.
“What if I am?” He grinned, grabbing the backpack he always took full of his stuff for school.
“Then I’d love to go with you.”
“Well then I’m asking you on a date.” He said. “See you later, I love you.”
“Love you too.” I smiled as he walked out the door. As soon as he left, I sat on the couch and picked up my computer, writing the day away.
It felt like he had only been gone an hour when he came back that evening, and I still hadn’t eaten anything.
He came in the door with a crease in between his eyebrows.
“Sorry I’m late. There was a staff meeting…” he frowned at sat on the edge of the couch, not saying anything else.
“Are you okay?” I checked.
“Yeah, fine. It’s just… I think one of my coworkers was hitting on me.” He looked up at me, confused.
I bit back a laugh.
“Really? What happened?”
“She’s new this year, so I don’t think she knows I’m a shifter. Anyway, I met her and she was acting really weird, asking how my day was going and if I liked my class. She sat next to me and scooted really close.”
“Huh.” I bit my lip, nodding and holding back my smile. “Have you ever been hit on before?”
“Most people know I’m a shifter and don’t bother. It happened a few times in college, but it’s different now that I have you. It felt wrong.” His frown deepened.
“We can get you a ring if you want. Human women usually avoid flirting with men wearing wedding rings.” I suggested.
“That would be good.” Jordie agreed. “I thought she would’ve noticed my cotie, you know? My sleeves were rolled up so it’s not like she could ignore it.”
“She probably thought it was a tattoo. I’m sure if she knew, she wouldn’t have hit on you.” I assured him, letting my grin break free. “You’re kind of adorable.” I observed.
“I’m not adorable.” He scoffed. “I’m big and manly.” He tried to make himself look bigger, but I just laughed.
“I like that you’re adorable, Mr. Big and Manly.” I teased.
“Hey, it’s Mr. Jordie to you.” He nodded, then grinned. “Ready to go eat?”
“Yep. Just let me put on clothes and makeup.” I stood up, and he pulled me back down.
“You look perfect.” He assured me.
“I really don’t.” I shook my head, then went to the bedroom and got ready as fast as I could.
Jordie put down his papers when I came out, then grabbed his coat. We headed to his car—the soccer mom car—and he held my door open to let me in.
“I haven’t been outside in ages.” I smiled, looking out at the scenery. The world seemed more beautiful since I hadn’t seen it in so long. “It’s nice to see nature again.”
“I should really get you outside more.” Jordie remarked.
“Hey, I wasn’t complaining. I’ve seen enough of the world to last the rest of my life.” I told him, but he shook his head.
“You haven’t shifted in a while. We need to get out there.” He decided.
“I’m really fine. I’ve gotten used to ignoring my panther side, and she’s accepted it.” I shrugged.
“That’s not a good thing.” Jordie gave me a dirty look in the mirror. “We’re going for a run in the forest sometime soon, okay?”
“Okay.” I didn’t mind one way or another, so if that’s what he wanted to do, I’d be fine with it.
We pulled into the parking lot a few minutes later, and I opened my own door as we got out. The restaurant looked like your average Olive Garden or something like that, which I wasn’t too excited about, but we didn’t have to cook so it was okay.
After a five minute wait, they sat us at a two-chair table in the middle of a whole bunch of other couples.
Except, these weren’t normal couples. These were high-school couples dressed in prom dresses and tuxedos, and they were all either staring into each other’s eyes or eyeing us, talking with their dates about us. Since we were the only shifters I could see in the room, I can’t say I was surprised.
“So this is weird.” Jordie reached up to massage his neck.
“Yep.” I nodded, looking around uncomfortably. At the same time, we both spoke again.
“Would you be okay if—“
“Do you want to—“
We both stopped, then grinned at each other.
“Let’s get out of here.” Jordie and I stood.
“We have to go.” Jordie apologized to the waitress and handed her a five dollar bill. She tried to say something, but we walked out of there as fast as we could get out.
“Let’s never go to a sit-down restaurant again, deal?” I checked.
“Deal.” Jordie agreed. “I know a place that you’ll love.” He said.
We walked down the city’s main street, which wasn’t very big but it had charm. When we stopped in front of a little shack that broadcasted Chinese food, my eyes brightened.
“Really?” it looked more like the Chinese places in China than anywhere else I’d been to in the U.S.
“I saw the sign the other day and figured we needed to stop here sometime.” He nodded.
“You’re the greatest.” I smiled, holding his hand as we walked up to the order-window.
I gave the Chinese man my order, excited when I saw that he was actually Chinese. Chinese people are way better at cooking their own food than anyone of a different nationality, as I’d learned in my many attempts at finding good Chinese in America and other various places around the world.
We sat at a little picnic table, and when they called Jordie’s name, he brought over our tray full of the world’s best food.
“Mmm.” I sighed, nodding as I chewed and swallowed the first bite. “Really, nothing can beat Chinese.”
Jordie grinned, taking a bite of his own food.
“I’m glad you like it.” He said.
“Thanks for eating here even though you’d rather be somewhere else.” I smiled before taking another bite. “You’re really cool.” I said through a mouthful of rice.
“You’re here, so this is the only place I’d want to be.” He said, taking a bite of his own food.
“Cheesy, but thanks.” I teased him.
We ate as much as we could, then grabbed a take-home box for the rest.
“Want to walk around a bit?” he asked.
“That sounds nice.” I nodded. Jordie laced his fingers through mine as we started walking down the street.
/> We passed a bunch of charming little shops and restaurants, waving at the people inside. They waved back, and I don’t know if it was because they were happy to see us or because they hoped waving would make us come in and buy something.
Eventually, we made it to a lake. We walked out on the dock and stopped to look at the water in front of us.
“The world is so beautiful.” I whispered and shook my head. “I should be happier about all the traveling I’ve done. I’ve been really lucky.” I leaned on the railing.
“It is pretty.” Jordie agreed. “But it’s a lot more beautiful when you have someone to see it with. In all of our traveling, I’ve never been as happy as I am standing here next to you right now.” He said softly, wrapping his arm around my waist. “You make me so happy. Thanks for loving me.”
“You make it easy.” I whispered back, leaning my head against his neck. We stood there for a long while, holding each other close and looking out at the water.
I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.
Chapter 13
The next morning, I woke up just in time to kiss Jordie as he left. When I walked out into the kitchen a few minutes later, I found his journal sitting open on the counter. There was a yellow sticky note on it that said,
“Sav, I wanted to write you another love letter, but I didn’t know what to say. I thought this might do. I wrote it the night you read my other journals. Love, Jordie.”
I picked up the journal and slid onto the counter, not bothering with walking over to the couch.
The entry was dated the Saturday he took off on me. It read:
I don’t know what to do. I hit the mate lottery; I literally cannot imagine someone more perfect than Savanna. She’s so much better in person than I ever dreamt she’d be all those months I followed her around.
But I don’t know what to do. She deserves someone so much better than the person I am. I’m just a guy trying to do something worthwhile, and she’s… well, she’s everything.
She means everything to me.
Should I leave? Should I stay? I’m currently sitting in my car, contemplating running into the forest and never looking back. Then again, this is the only way I’ve ever coped with life before, writing it down. Which is funny, because Sav is exactly the same.
