by K. B. Draper
Ashlyn hurdled a lifeless tentacle before coming to her knees beside me. “AJ?”
I moaned in response, rolling onto what I was sure were a few new cracked ribs. “I’m good.”
“You’re bleeding,” Ashlyn’s fingers gently inspected the side of my head.
“A scratch,” I managed with the one PSI I had left in my lungs.
Danny came beside Ashlyn. “AJ, we’re going to need to move.”
“I don’t wanna,” I whined.
He looked over his shoulder, which caused Ashlyn to do the same. “Oh my God,” Ashlyn muttered. “Sweetheart, we need to move,” her hands already sliding under to help me up.
I could feel Norm duct-taping my insides, the familiar pain of repairs heating up my core. I let Danny and Ashlyn help me up and watched angels doing flyovers well over my head, heading toward whatever had Danny and Ashlyn in giddy-up-and-go mode. “Tell me it’s not another one of these assholes.” I kicked a boot out at Kraktastic.
“I’m going to guess this is a next-level kind of asshole,” Mia said in my ear.
And yeah, that had me turning my head.
War, like his brothers, was a big flaming dick hole. A little pre-judgy I know, but I was confident this was going to be a total “fuck him and the horse he rode in on” situation. Speaking of horse, his was red, head to hoof. Red apparently was War’s thing because he sported matching cloak, boots, sword, and eyeballs. He was also surrounded by red dancing flames, which added a pyrotechnic effect to his entrance.
Two more figures on horseback materialized. They broke up the current color scheme with a splash of gray. A brooding color swatch of grays, and I wasn’t just talking about their wardrobes. They themselves were the color that you’d find at the bottom of an ashtray. Amy and Beelzebub, I assumed. Amy, on the left, I guessed, as she had cleavage. Beelzebub on the right. Granted he had his own amount of cleavage going on, but his was supported by his beer belly versus Victoria’s Secret. That wasn’t the end of the reveal party, not by a long shot. Demons came into existence row by military row. I stopped counting at twenty. They were of every make and model. Some were the same variety that I’d gone against before; others were new bundles of fucked-up joy. Horns and hooves. Hair and hairless. Wings and claws. Teeth and fangs. And they were still coming.
We stopped our retreat in the parking lot, turning to face the growing pack of all things bad. I don’t know exactly what I thought Lucifer’s mega fit would look like, but I might have underestimated it. I reached out to Danny. “If this goes sideways, you get them out of here and protect them.”
“To my dying breath,” Danny promised.
“Alrighty then.” I went back to the demon reveal party still playing out in front of us, pulling Hall and Oates from my back. “You’re still my favorite.”
“You’re my favorite too,” Danny replied.
“Ugh, wow sorry. Awkward,” I said, holding out Hall. “I was talking to him. But, you’re my favorite DNA sharer. Well, I mean after my mom. And dad. Sister. The munchkins. Grand is up there too … but you’re most definitely top ten.”
Danny sighed. “Good enough.”
From there all shit broke loose. Sorry, be kind and rewind. First, I stole a grenade from Danny’s belt, pulled the pin, and launched it into Amy’s lap. Why Amy you ask? I have found that sometimes women might second seat it, but they are often the more devious and most dangerous threat. Case in point, mwah.
Amy gave me an “Oh no, you didn’t” look, picked up the ticking time bomb and chucked it over her shoulder. Then with no more enthusiasm than calling over a waitress at a Waffle House, she called forth the demons and theeeenn all shit broke loose.
Demons came at us. The earth vibrated under the pounding of their rushing attack. We didn’t wait for them to get to our front door. We Welcome Wagoned their asses with blades and bullets. I can’t properly articulate the sounds that erupted when we clashed, but it was a horrific mix of victory screams and cries of pain. For their part, War, Amy, and Beelzebub stayed back. Their only significant movement was to spread out, creating a protective semicircle around Area 51’s butthole, where they’d all crossed over to this plane and where even more demons continued to appear. As fast as we killed them, three would take their place. And they weren’t stopping. They were slipping through our lines.
I fought my way toward Danny. “They’re getting past us.” With one swipe of my blade I took off the hand of a demon reaching for Danny, and I took his head with a second, “The town. Tell Rex. See if he can get some of his people to fall back and protect what they can.”
Danny nodded as he leveled two more demons with double shots to the head. Then he ran, still firing and terminating more as he went.
I glanced back to check on Ashlyn and Grand. They’d paired up, staying close to one another and double-teaming threats when necessary. Both were upright and still kicking ass so I pushed forward. The angels were making quick work of the demons; one slice of their swords seemed to terminate them on the spot. But there were just too many even with Mia helping clear our way. The tiny whirling sounds of Swoop Dog’s blades were a welcoming sound as she flew it in and out of battle, peppering demons with small explosive devices from overhead. But it still wasn’t enough. We were outnumbered thirty to one, or thirty and a half to one if you counted the demon with two heads. That was until Heaven spilled open.
The battlefield, which had been in the dark of night, was recast in a bright ray of light as if the mothership had arrived and was ready to beam us all up. I took a bit too long with “oh’s and ah’s,” and yes, I’ll admit I was wondering if there would be chariots, but there weren’t. Bummer. What there was, however, was lots more pretty angels. Hundreds upon hundreds of them. I was still face up when a demon dived at me. Luckily Mia had my back, literally as an explosion hit behind me, so close that it tickled my tail feathers. “Sorry, I thought you’d move,” Mia apologized in my ear.
“All good. Keep them coming,” I replied and spun back to business. “I thought you got lost?” I asked a few steps later as Sammy landed in my airspace.
“Sorry, it took longer than I thought. Michael was being … challenging.”
“Still butt hurt?” I asked as I put a boot in the nostril of a demon-bear concoction.
“Maybe a little,” Sammy said.
“But he let the angels come?”
“Let is not exactly accurate. More that he didn’t not let them come. But I have faith that he will join us with his army. He’s just …”
“A self-righteous wiener with wings?” I asked.
Sammy ran a demon through with his sword. “I was going to say a tad old-school.”
“Same diff.” I shrugged, not to add to my statement but to shake off the mitts of a touchy-feely four-armed demon. It didn’t work so I resorted to feeding him three of his own elbows, which did the trick.
“AJ,” Mia said. “We need a little help back here.”
“What’s going on?” I asked, grabbing Sammy’s attention, as I reverse flowed it.
“Ashlyn and Grand are circled and I’m empty.”
“Sammy, it’s Ashlyn and Grand,” I pointed in the direction where I’d last seen them. He nodded, and I took off running only to get scooped off my kickers a few steps later. I looked up at my winged friend. “I thought we talked about this,” I said, or at least I think I said. I couldn’t actually hear myself, as my shoulders were currently ear-muffing my earholes. It wasn’t a great look.
“Right, sorry.” Sammy smiled, and if he wasn’t an angel I would have added wickedly as a smile descriptor. As quickly as I’d been plucked up I was free-falling. “Not this shit again,” I muttered.
Sammy caught me, rock-a-bye baby style. “Better?”
I checked in with myself. Nope, I looked and felt even more ridiculous. “A little too damsel in distress for my taste. Any other options?”
“Tandem.”
“Me or you in front?”
“You.”
>
I sighed. “Damsel it is.”
Sammy dropped me next to Ashlyn, coming to a running stop himself a half loop later.
“I’m glad to see you,” Ashlyn said, winded but not so much that it kept her from deducting another demon from the still growing population. “They just keep coming.”
It took us awhile, but we were finally able to thin the herd enough to break through. “Keep going. Head for the town. I’ll catch up to you.”
Double nods. And they were off. Sammy stayed behind and we cleared a few dozen more. “We can’t keep this up. Our only option is to close down the demon-making factory.”
“Agreed,” Sammy said between sword swings.
“Got any ideas on how we do that?”
“Beelzebub is the summoner. Amy is the commander.”
Ariel landed at Sammy’s side, bringing friends. Four-legged friends. A dozen minus one angel hounds? Heaven hounds? Deity Dogs? I don’t think we’d ever cleared that up. Whatever they were, they were awesome and they were here. And if the looks on their muzzles were any indication, they were ready to tussle. “Sorry I’m late, but I stopped to pick up some old friends.”
The pack spread out, growling and snapping at anything that dared to get too close. It was a nice break, if only for a second. “I think I’m going to like your friends,” I replied, taking in the eleven Six look-alikes. “Six’s pack?”
“Six’s pack,” Ariel confirmed with a proud smile.
“Nice.” I took another look around. “Okay, so back to the issue at hand. Shutting down the demons. Do we need to take out Beelzebub or Amy?”
“Beelzebub would be ideal. He is the one summoning them to the hellmouth. Amy controls them once they are here.”
“If we take Amy out now, they’d scatter,” Ariel said. We’d have a serious containment issue. At least now they’re on a single-minded mission.”
“Taking Amy out bad. Got it. And kind of wish you guys were here earlier.”
“Why?” Ariel asked. “Something happen?”
“Um, nothing. Freak thing with a grenade, but all good,” I said. “I’m going to guess War and Amy will have objections to us killing Beelzebub—”
“As will they.” Sammy pointed.
I turned slightly to see what had caught his attention. “Well, fuck me,” I replied, taking in the big fuck me situation that had just next-leveled itself behind me. Conquest and Famine had decided to join the fun. Yay. Oh and the earth was starting to split and spill lava all over the place because, you know, why not.
Chapter 20
“I think we need a Plan B,” I said as fire burst from the earth like a giant super-sucky Roman candle. Balls of flame exploded in the air, raining embers onto the earth, lighting trees, houses and anything they touched before bursting into flame. But hey, glass half full, the flow of demons had slowed down to a trickle. Glass half empty, the ones still crawling out of the earth were walking, moaning, flaming assholes. Literally, their assholes were aflame. As were the rest of them. And everything they touched poofed up in fire as well.
“Mia, you getting this?” I asked, as we and a pack of protectors began to back our asses up.
“Unfortunately,” Mia replied.
“Tell Danny and them what’s coming,” I said, as lava continued to inch in our direction.
“We’re going to have to find another way,” I said, ducking as a plume of fire erupted to our left. My phone buzzed in my pocket.
“Agreed,” Sammy said.
My phone vibrated again. And twice more before I could dig it out of my pocket. It was a string of text messages from Michael.
He found her. Shoulder shrug emoji.
Sorry I meant Bathtub emoji
Turkey leg emoji.
Ugh. Pound fist emoji.
I replied with “give me 15” and Mia’s location for a meet-up place. I added a pink coin purse emoji for no other reason than to jack with him. I turned to Sammy and Ariel. “We just got our Plan B. Think these guys and the angels would mind holding down the fort for a bit while we go meet back up with the team?”
Sammy closed his eyes only to open them a second later. “They’re good.” I raised a questioning brow. He tapped his temple. “Another fun party trick.”
Ariel gestured to the pack, and they broke rank and went on the attack.
Sammy bent slightly, reaching an arm toward the back of my knees. I stepped back. “No. I’ve had enough damsel for one day. I’ll meet you there.”
Norm added some gas to my engine as heat and flame and demons licked at my heels. Literally as one demon had a freakishly long tongue. And it wasn’t the fun kind like Melissa’s from Milwaukee, but that’s a story for a less sucky day. My boots found the road leading to Pinckney, and I headed in that direction only to be met by a wall of demon asses. Rex and his crew were apparently doing a good job of defending the town. They’d caused a 1,000-demon pileup. I stood there for a beat, contemplating the pros and cons of “go all stealth and sneak around quietly” or “go in wrecking ball style.” I released Mary Kate and Ashley. Like there was ever really a choice? Puhlease.
Lights lit up my backside. I sighed as one by one demons turned away from their single-thought mission to focus on little ol’ me. A double horn blast added to the moment. I turned and tried to wave them off; the last thing we needed was a minivan riding into this mix. I stood in the middle of the road and tried to look like a Rambo-waving psychopath. I’m sure I nailed it, but the vehicle and driver were not deterred. They did however add three more blaring beep, beep, beeps of their horn to the mix of the angry rushing demon sounds. With my amped-up super hearing, that was super fun.
I held my ground despite the fire eating up the earth to my left, demons rushing in behind me, and headlights directly in my eyeballs. The truck, I could make out now, came skidding to a stop alongside me. Its passenger window was already down, and a grinning face aimed at me across the bench seat. And holy fuck. “What the hell are you doing here?” I asked.
“I talked to Ashlyn. You didn’t think I’d let you handle this shit show without me, did you?” Sheriff Loretta Linn asked, holding out the butt of a shotgun to me. “Get in and let’s flatten these fuckers.”
“I think I love you,” I said, putting away Mary Kate and Ashley before pulling open the passenger door. “You a top or a bottom?”
She snorted, dropped the truck into four-wheel drive, and slammed her foot on the gas. We monster trucked it over a demon. Then reversed over him again, stopping while our ass end was still in the air. She looked at me and grinned. “Total topper.”
“I can get down with that,” I said. “Speaking of which, you are looking smokin’.”
“Lost 230 pounds,” she said, as she punched the gas and began snowplowing demons. “Twenty was due to Weight Watchers and the other 210 thanks to divorce papers.”
I was still smiling as I began to take out demons from the comfort of the passenger seat, having to adjust my aim to counter all the bumping and crushing going on. Loretta was having way too much fun playing whack-a-demon with the bumper of her truck. We’d cleared out a good number of them before the fire and splitting ground got too close for comfort. “Head into town. We need to regroup. Mia, you there?”
“Yeah. You good?”
“Good. Tell Ashlyn, Danny, and Grand to make their way to you.”
“Find Rex.”
“Will do.”
We located Rex with a pack of angels, laying waste to a baker’s dozen of the biggest, fugliest demons on the outskirts of town. “Pull over here. I’ll be back,” I ordered, one foot already out the door before Loretta brought the truck to a stop. I fought my way to Rex only to have him stop what he was doing, holding a demon up in the air by its throat. “Oh hey. You need me?”
“Yeah, but please finish what you’re doing,” I replied.
He drop-kicked the demon.
I waited until the demon bounced off the nearby building and dropped to face plant onto the sidewalk.
“Nice.”
Rex smiled. “Thanks.”
“You think your gang can hold the fort for a bit? I want to pull you in on a strategy meeting.”
“Absolutely. Ishmael, you have this? I’ll be back.”
A super-pretty dude nodded, and Rex followed me back to Loretta’s truck.
“Loretta, Rex. Rex, Loretta.” They both did the blink blink thing at each other. “Oh good grief.” I double-snapped in the air space between them. “Fight now. Lust faces later.”
“Right. I’ll get in back,” Rex said, then hopped over the side of the truck into the bed.
I slid back into the passenger side, and we were off again. “So what’s pretty boy’s story?” Loretta said.
I gaped at her. “In the middle of an apocalypse?”
“Hey, do you know how hard it is out there for a newly divorced woman these days?”
“I thought you were … you know, leaning back toward the ladies.”
“I’m an equal opportunity lover.” She eyed me. “You have a problem with that?”
“Not even a little bit,” I said.
The gang was all there when we pulled up, Ashlyn’s eyes wide as Loretta stepped out from behind the wheel. They got the “what are you doing here” stuff out of the way, and Michael, Apoc-less, went wheels down a few beats later.
“He’s good?” I asked and got a sharp nod in return.
Danny rushed forward. “Where’s Apoc? Did they get to him? How—”
I held up a hand. “He’s fine. And fun story,” I said, then shared with the class what I thought was Apoc’s real threat to the all mighty’s and all naughty’s planes. “As you know, only angels, demons, and spiritual beings can cross between worlds. And they have to spend good and bad points to do so. Well, our little man can simply pop in and out. But that’s not all; he can open the veils between the planes,” I explained. “Hold the door open if you will. And last but most definitely not least … he can apparently take essence from one and create another. Kind of like that whole get cooties from one goat, put ’em in a microwave and make an identical goat.”
“Um, not like that at all,” Michael said.
