And each time it becomes less about Latham and more about Bram.
I watch the hard set of his mouth when we were first matched. Hear the rich, low sound of his laugh as he reacts to some joke I told. See his hand dart out to circle my wrist and spin me around.
I watch us argue. I watch us stumble through the forest, running from Latham. I watch his defenses slowly melt away, and see his eyes go liquid each time he looks at me.
Day after day, I linger on the feel of his mouth against mine, our tears mingling together before my eyes close for the final time.
I fall in love with him over and over only to come back to a world where he feels nothing for me but friendship. Where I don’t know if my feelings for him belong only to another path or if they’re real on this one too.
It makes me hate myself, but I can’t stop.
Between studying Gran’s bone and lying awake at night worrying about Jensen, I get so little sleep that it’s impossible to focus on my training.
“You seem distracted today,” Master Kyra tells me at our next session. A handful of tiny ossicles lie on the cloth in front of me—malleus, incus, and stapes—and I’ve been using them to try to determine the location of the nearest pack of wolves in the hills surrounding Ivory Hall. The small bones of the inner ear are particularly useful for readings that involve hearing, but each time I get close, I lose my focus.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m not my best at the moment.”
Master Kyra sinks down into the chair across from me. “Something you want to talk about?”
She rarely asks me anything personal, so the question catches me off guard. “I … No, I guess not.”
Kyra laughs. “Well, that’s a yes masquerading as a no if I ever heard one. What’s on your mind?”
I swallow, unsure how truthful to be. “I’m just a little shaken by our first challenge.”
“What happened?”
I tell her about the trial, and she listens intently, her expression thoughtful. When I’m finished, she makes a throaty sound of disbelief. “Whoever designed that challenge wasn’t pulling any punches, were they?”
My heart leaps into my throat. “Who designs them?”
“It varies. Usually a member of the Grand Council. Occasionally instructors or prominent members of the community.”
I think of the Bone Charmer who watched me so carefully during the trial, and gooseflesh races across my arms. Did he suspect my mother of practicing illegal magic? Was he testing me to see if I’d give anything away?
“What specifically is troubling you?” Master Kyra asks.
“I don’t feel like we did the right thing.”
“The right thing for the challenge or the right thing for the accused?”
“For the accused.” I give her the details of Jensen’s story, and she listens carefully, her lips pressed together in a thin line.
“I don’t blame you,” she says. “That’s a difficult case. What specifically is troubling you?”
“It just seems so unfair. Jensen was trying to help his son. He did something good—something merciful—and we punished him for it.”
“Ah, but ‘fair’ means different things to different people.” I raise my eyebrows in a question, and she continues. “Let me ask you this: Did Jensen know the law?”
“Yes.”
“So he knew when he mended Boe’s leg that the magic was forbidden?”
I let out a frustrated sigh. This is the same circular argument I had with my team over and over again. “Yes, but—” Master Kyra holds out a hand to silence me.
“Jensen understood the risk he was taking, and he decided Boe was worth it.” Her eyes are soft. “He was an adult. He was willing to face the consequences for his child. But imagine how unfair it would be to let him go just because you understand his choices, when others have been punished for the same crime. And their motives might have been equally understandable if we knew the full story. Jensen was a good father, Saskia. His fate was in his own hands, not yours. All you can do is honor his sacrifice.”
Her words pierce me to the core. I think of my mother offering to train me as a Bone Charmer to protect me from Declan. Teaching you would violate my code of ethics—I could get in a lot of trouble if anyone finds out—but you still should be able to learn.
All this time, I’ve been thinking Jensen and I are the same, when really, he has more in common with my mother. She was willing to die to keep me safe. Jensen’s words float through my mind. The law is the law. And I’d do it again to spare my boy.
I have no doubt that my mother would die again to protect me. She’d choose that path over and over again if she had to. And I will accept whatever consequences come from making sure Latham pays for her death.
Master Kyra’s hand closes gently around my forearm. “I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but it doesn’t. Leadership is full of difficult choices.”
Somehow her honesty, her acknowledgment that this is hard—and will always be hard—is what I needed to hear. She’s the first person who hasn’t tried to talk me out of my sadness. I blink back tears. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Now, shall we try again?”
This time, when I close my eyes and touch the bones, I hear it. The distant, plaintive howl of a single wolf separated from his pack.
He sounds as lonely as I feel.
I arrive early to our seminar in the workshop the next afternoon. Norah is scheduled to give a lecture called Comparative Vertebrate Anatomy and Magical Applications, so I’m poring over my spell book while I wait. Unlike the sea of Healers and Watchers at Ivory Hall, if Norah has a question related to charming, her choices are limited to either me or Ingrid. I need to be prepared.
“Saskia!”
I turn to see Tessa rushing toward me. Her cheeks are flushed, and I can’t tell if it’s from panic or excitement.
I stand up and close the distance between us. “What is it?”
“We got our second challenge for the bone games.” She’s waving a folded piece of parchment as if it’s an invitation to a grand ball. But I don’t share her enthusiasm. I’m not interested in more difficult choices.
“What do we have to do?”
Tessa bounces on her toes. “Not what. Where.”
“Oh,” I say flatly. “Then where?”
She sighs and thrusts the parchment into my hands. But before I can unfold it, she says, “It’s in Leiden, Saskia.” She leans toward me and lowers her voice, even though no one else is within earshot. “We can find Avalina.”
A ping of alarm goes through me. “Our challenge is in Leiden?”
Tessa’s face falls. “I thought you’d be excited.”
“Don’t you think it seems odd? We were just talking about finding Avalina, and our next bone game is in the exact town she’s from?”
“You think someone is sending us there intentionally? But who? Why?”
It doesn’t make any sense. Norah warned me against taking action against Latham on my own, and I can’t imagine who would want me to find Avalina. Even if the Bone Charmer on the Grand Council suspects my mother trained me, what connection would that have to Leiden? Still, the coincidence makes me uneasy.
Tessa puts a hand on my arm. “I think you’re worrying over nothing. The bone games must take months to prepare. I’m sure this was planned long before you expressed an interest in finding Avalina.”
I sigh. Maybe my paranoia is getting the best of me. I take a deep breath, and a small bubble of hope inflates in my chest. I could finally get the answers I need to start searching for Latham.
But then a hand falls on my shoulder and I turn to find Norah standing next to the bodyguard I met my first night here, his arms folded across his massive chest.
“Hello, girls,” Norah says. Then she indicates the man beside her. “Saskia, you remember Rasmus.”
The sight of him is a sharp pin that collapses my optimism in one swift motion.
I’d nearly forgotten
about Norah’s stipulation that a bodyguard accompany me if I leave Ivory Hall. Suddenly I feel as transparent as a windowpane. Like my scheming is on full display for Norah to see.
I try to school my expression into something calmer than I feel. “Of course.” I turn to Rasmus. “Hello again.”
He doesn’t move. He barely makes eye contact. The only sign he heard me is a subtle dip of his chin.
“Rasmus will accompany you on your next challenge,” she says. “I understand you’re headed to Leiden.”
“Yes,” Tessa says brightly, “we are.”
My jaw tightens. “May I ask you something?”
Norah smiles. “Of course. What is it?”
“Who designs our bone games?”
Her expression falters. “Why do you ask?”
“Just curious.”
Her eyes skip to Tessa, and the two share a glance—as if neither of them knows what to make of me and they’re each looking to the other for an answer. Something hot and angry sparks in my chest.
“I don’t know off the top of my head, but even if I did, I couldn’t tell you. It’s against policy to share that information with apprentices. At least until the bone games are over. Now, if there’s nothing else, I better get going on this lecture before everyone leaves.” She pats my arm. “Rasmus will meet you at the pier tomorrow.”
“What was that about?” Tessa asks as soon as the two of them are out of earshot.
I’m not sure if she means me questioning Norah or Norah assigning me a bodyguard, but I’m not really in the mood to talk about either one.
“Saskia?”
“I forgot about Rasmus,” I say softly. “We’ll never be able to slip away now.”
“Of course we will. There’s only one of him and six of us.”
“And he’s trained in magic that we’re not.”
She smiles. “Yes, but we’re also trained in magic that he’s not.”
“Where was this rebellious streak a few days ago when it could have saved Jensen?”
Tessa’s expression falls. She takes a step back as if I’ve slapped her and she needs a bit of distance for safety. “Saskia, you know that was different.”
I lift one shoulder and let my gaze slide away.
“So will you never forgive me?” Tessa’s voice is small. Vulnerable. And it melts the last of my anger.
“There’s nothing to forgive,” I tell her. “I just wish for a different world sometimes, that’s all.”
“I know,” she says. “I do too. But someday we’ll be the ones with power—for real, and not just for one trial—and we can change it.”
I don’t tell her the truth—that I won’t ever have power in Kastelia. Soon I’ll either be dead or in prison. I’m relieved that Tessa wants to change the world, but she’ll have to change it without me.
The next morning, we stand on the deck of a small boat and watch Ivory Hall fade into the distance. Leiden is north of the capital, and not far from the coast. The journey would normally take a few weeks, but Norah has commissioned a small wing-fleet vessel that can get us there in less than one.
We’ve been given no information about what kind of challenge might be waiting for us when we arrive.
Tessa sidles up beside me and rests her hand on the railing. “I think we need to let Bram in on our plan,” she says softly.
“We don’t have a plan,” I say.
She nudges my shoulder with hers. “Good point. Let’s make Bram do that part.”
Despite myself, I laugh. Tessa’s easy optimism feels like a patch of sunshine, tempting me to curl up and let all my worries drift away.
For a moment, I wish it were possible—to let go of my hatred for Latham and move on with the rest of my life. That my need for revenge didn’t burn so brightly inside me that sometimes I worry it will consume me long before it hurts him. But I can’t. I need to find my mother’s bones, and Gran’s, too. And Latham has to pay for what he’s done. Besides, even if I could let go, Latham never will. He won’t rest until I’m dead.
So I won’t rest until he is.
But the last thing I need is for Bram to get tangled up in my plan. Better for Latham to think I’ve fallen for someone else in this reality, and that Bram has nothing to do with the slender red tattoo etched around my wrist. If I can’t save myself, I can at least save him.
“I think the fewer people who know what we’re up to the better,” I tell Tessa. “It’s going to be hard enough for two of us to get around Rasmus.”
“That’s where Bram can help.”
“Help with what?”
Both Tessa and I spin around to find Bram standing behind us.
I shake my head. “Nothing.”
At the same moment, Tessa says, “A little side trip in Leiden.”
Bram’s gaze skips between us. Then he leans so close, I can smell the soap he used to bathe this morning. “Is this about Latham?”
Tessa watches me closely, inclining her head slightly and widening her eyes for emphasis. Tell him.
“Yes,” I say, finally. There’s no point denying it. Bram was there when I found the spell book Latham left. And he did promise to help me before we left Midwood.
Tessa quietly fills him in on the details, and his total focus on her gives me license to study him without fear of being noticed. His hair is wind-tousled, and he has a bit of scruff along his jawline. Both only add to his appeal. He taps his thumb absently on the callous at the edge of his forefinger—a callous no doubt acquired from quickly snapping small bones in training. A crease appears between his brows as Tessa tells him we plan to find Avalina.
“Rasmus is going to be a problem,” Bram says quietly.
“Yes,” I say, glad he agrees with me. “That’s what I keep telling her.”
“It’s not like I haven’t thought this through,” Tessa says. “I have an idea.”
Bram gives her a skeptical look. “To trick a member of the Ivory Guard away from his post?”
“Just hear me out.” Tessa turns to me. “Rasmus is duty-bound to protect you from Latham and to keep you from going off in search of him. Correct?”
“Yes.”
“But Norah promised you would hardly notice he was there. So I assume he has orders not to interfere with your training. Or your fun. Or your”—her eyes slide away—“relationships.”
“Tessa,” I say, my voice low and full of warning.
“I’m just saying, it would be easier to cover for you if Rasmus thought you and Bram snuck off to be alone.”
Bram clears his throat. “She’s not wrong.”
I go hot from my scalp to my toes, open my mouth to speak, and then snap it closed again.
Bram pulls on the back of his neck. Shifts his weight from one foot to the other. He’s obviously as uncomfortable as I am, but still, his eyes grow distant and bright, as if Tessa’s words lit a spark that has caught fire. He paces in front of the railing. “It won’t be easy, but it could work. If Rasmus thinks he knows what you’re up to, he’s less likely to be as vigilant. Especially if you aren’t sneaking off alone, but with another Breaker.”
Tessa doesn’t know what she’s unleashed.
I’ve spent so long studying Gran’s healed bone. Immersed in my other path. Longing for a reality that doesn’t exist. I’m not sure my bruised heart can handle Bram pretending interest where there is none. It might break me.
“Bram, no. You don’t have to …”
His fingers close around my elbow. “I told you I’d help find Latham. And I’ll do whatever it takes to keep that promise. Even this.”
Even this. The words ricochet in my mind like a bone-crafted arrow, cutting wherever they touch, but never slowing, never losing the power to wound.
Even this. Even this. Even this.
Chapter Thirteen
Latham couldn’t have designed a better way to torture me if he’d planned this himself.
The moment I grudgingly agreed to Tessa’s plan, she waggled her fingers betwe
en me and Bram. “You two should start acting cozy right away. Give Rasmus some time to warm up to the idea of you as a couple before we get to Leiden.”
And now Bram and I sit on the deck away from the others, our heads bent together in a conversation that we hope looks intimate but is really anything but.
“This will never work,” I say softly. Rasmus hovers over my shoulder, so I don’t bother trying to mask my worry, but Bram’s face is toward him. He can’t afford to show anything but affection. He gives me an earnest, gentle smile.
“Not with that attitude it won’t.” His voice doesn’t match his tender expression.
“Bram—”
“Your mother is the reason I moved to Midwood,” Bram says. “Did she ever tell you that?”
Grief pushes up my throat. Because even though I knew, it wasn’t my mother who told me. She rarely confessed her good deeds, and it was only after her death that I realized how many lives she’d changed for the better.
“No,” I say, my voice tight, “she didn’t.”
“She rescued me at a dark time in my life. The least I can do is help you return her bones to Midwood, where they belong. I owe her that. And Latham”—a muscle jumps in his jaw—“I’d love nothing more than to see him suffer for what he did.”
“But is this really the best way to go about it?”
“Do you want my help or not? Because I don’t see another option.”
“Of course I do. I just—”
Bram reaches up and tucks a stray hair behind my ear, and I freeze mid-sentence. My thoughts go hazy and spiral away. The gesture is so real, so familiar, it fills up that empty, aching part of me that reading my other path always leaves behind.
“For the benefit of our audience,” he says in a low voice. The backs of his fingers still linger on the side of my face.
My heart ices over and fractures into two distinct halves—fantasy and reality. The Bram who loves me, and the Bram who is only playacting. The Saskia who had a chance for happiness and the Saskia who does not.
I can’t mix them up. I have to remember what is real and what isn’t.
“I’m trying to act natural,” I tell him, through clenched teeth. I’m answering both his spoken concerns and my unspoken ones. How can I convince Bram I’m acting while simultaneously convincing Rasmus that I’m not?
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