To Find a God

by Mary Hamilton

  “Tomorrow, you will speak with the chief. As I said, he will challenge you. Be respectful and have patience. You know what is needed. They must band with all the other ogres. He will not agree, but he will hear your words. That is all you can do. You must then go on to the next kraal, and then the next, and the next until you are finished.”

  And then what?

  The smile became a laugh. “We will deal with that when it comes. But beware Dredwyn. He cannot physically harm you, so he will seek to challenge you in other ways. He will try to frighten you, confuse you, or even befriend you. Know him for what he is and resist. He cannot force you.”

  Tovi became aware of the darkness yielding to the rosy softness of dawn. Are you going to help me?

  No answer.

  ◆◆◆

  “Come, the chief would like to speak to you.” Klunk stood just inside the door to the hut as Tovi raised himself off the pallet.

  At any other time in his past, the Azyrean would have asked what the chief wanted. On this day, however, he knew exactly what to expect.

  He and Klunk stood inside the chief’s hut. The large ogre sat on a pad, his back against the wall, staring at the two. He gestured Tovi and Klunk toward pads on the floor in front of him.

  They took their seats.

  “Little one,” he nodded his head toward Tovi, “you fought bravely. And we are grateful. But there are hard questions I must ask you. You must understand that it is my responsibility to protect my kraal.”

  He paused, as though waiting for a response. Finally, he continued. “I am compelled to note that you came into our kraal and, within the day, invaders arrived and killed three of us, including a child. From what you have told us, you were there also when the first of us died, outside the mines. I regret that it seems you are somehow connected to all of this death.”

  Tovi immediately felt the desire to defend himself but, having been forewarned, resisted the urge. He bowed his head and spoke softly. “I am sorry about the ogres that died. I tried to help, that is all. I only know that I come to bring words from Myhrren and don’t control what follows me. These invaders, they will come again and more of them each time. Your kraal, and all the others, will be safe only if you band together. That is what Myhrren says.”

  “Why should I believe you?’

  Tovi shrugged. He didn’t have a good answer. Despite his long history in Pangrove of looking for words that best suited his purpose, he decided to simply tell the truth. “I don’t know. And maybe you won’t trust me. Whether you do or not, I have done what I was told to do. I’m going on to the next kraal to give them the same words, and they will either accept them or not. And when I have visited all of the ogres, I will be done, and your world will depend on you.” The words sounded strange to him even as he spoke them. He sounded like an adult, like his father.

  Chapter 25: Tovi

  Morning brought the sun as the party gazed out across the desert sands toward their next destination.

  Growl and River

  lead the run

  till stars and moon

  replace the sun

  Klunk and Kharla

  running strong

  Klik and Tovi

  come along.

  Tovi laughed at Klunk’s sudden burst of song as the group began the day’s journey. It was good to see his ogre friend’s jovial spirit return after his ongoing conflict with Kharla. “That’s awsie, Klunk, just awsie.”

  “A good song to start the journey, I think.” Klunk set a blistering pace, with Kharla keeping up with him stride-for-stride.

  If the song pleased her, though, she chose not to say so. Instead, she kept her head down, as though inspecting the ground ahead of her. She had said little since the fight, but she seemed perpetually in a rage. She kept her jaw clenched, her mouth pulled into a tight line, and offered no softness or comfort with her eyes.

  By midday, the band of travelers reached an oasis, which would be their first rest stop. As Tovi and Kharla sat beneath a tree sipping water, Klunk stood at the edge of the pool gazing across into the desert on the other side. “The chief said that it is two days’ journey. That means that we will spend our days in the open. I hope to find another place like this at the end of the day.”

  Kharla shot back, with no small amount of what seemed like sarcasm. “You hope too much. It brings nothing. If you want to sleep in an oasis, then you will travel until you find one.”

  Klunk turned to face her, his eyes deeply expressive, almost sad. “There is always hope. To deny it is to deny who we are.”

  “That is your problem. You count on hope when you should be focused on what you need to do. There is only the task at hand. We must destroy the humans. Everything we do must lead to that. Anything else is wasted.” Anger flashed in her eyes as she spoke.

  Tovi found it remarkable that his friend offered a patient smile to the girl who seemed to view herself as his enemy. She never missed an opportunity to berate Klunk. Still, he never fought back. “We do what we must. When we reach the kraal, we must talk to them. If battle is pushed on us, we must fight. When we are traveling across the desert, we walk, eat, drink, and sleep.” He added, with a chuckle, “And sometimes I sing.”

  Kharla shook her head and grimaced without speaking.

  Tovi, for his part, had avoided saying anything at all to her. They had fought, side-by-side, in the kraal and, for those brief few moments, seemed close, or so he felt. But afterwards, she had retreated into her then familiar bad mood.

  As the young Azyrean chewed on a piece of dried hare, lost in thought, the female ogre’s voice intruded. “Why did you come to our land?” The usual sourness and anger were absent. In their place, there seemed to be mild curiosity.

  Tovi chewed on the meat slowly as he considered how to answer. “Like I told you before, I didn’t choose this place. This is just where I ended up.”

  “Right. Riding moonbeams.”

  “Yes, exactly.”

  “That’s a stupid way to spend your time.” The challenge and accusation returned to her voice.

  Tovi shuddered. Despite his intention not to argue with her, he had fallen into her trap. “Maybe. But it’s what kids do where I come from. We ride moonbeams. We have fun.” He thought about Marzi, with a feeling of sadness. “We have family and friends. We help each other. We’re not mean.”

  “And see where that got you?”

  Tovi stood in front of the sitting ogre, nearly face-to-face. “Yes. It got me a friend—Klunk. And no matter what happens, he will always be my friend. And there’s Growl and River and even Klik.” He glared at her, expecting another challenge. Of what use were friends?

  Instead, her gaze softened. “And what if you never see your family again?”

  Waves of nausea rolled through Tovi. He tried not to think about that question. But here it was, right out in front of him. “I don’t know. But if I never see them again, then I will always remember them—my mom and dad and my sister, Marzi. And I will never stop trying to get home.”

  “And why do you try to help the ogres? We are nothing to you.” Despite the challenge in her words, the tone was almost friendly.

  Tovi shot back immediately, “That’s not true. Klunk is my friend. His family, his entire kraal, helped me. I was there when your father died, and I tried to help. How can I not care? I can see that it hurts you and that makes me feel bad. I would make all this go away if I could. But Myhrren gave me the words I must say. And that is all I know to do right now.”

  “Why you?”

  Tovi reflected that it was a good question, one to which he did not have an answer. He shrugged. “That is a question that you should ask him. And when he tells you, maybe you can tell me. Until then, I’ll just do what I have to do.” But none of this seemed right to him. The words, the thoughts, the feelings—it all seemed too grown up. After all, he was just a kid, just like he told the voice.

  The only sound breaking the silence in the oasis was the breeze through th
e leaves and the chirping of a few insects. He took another drink of water and sat back against the tree, his eyes closed. He waited for the voice to reassure him that his words to Kharla had been right. Nothing came. He half-expected a shadow to wash over them, but sun beat down relentlessly, broken only by the shade of the trees. For that moment in time, there was peace.

  Chapter 26: Tovi

  Talking to the ogres in the next kraal was much easier. After all, this village had not lost members to a human invasion. They listened passively with little comment. Afterwards, they thanked the party, offered them food and shelter until it was time to move on to the next kraal, where the scene repeated itself.

  Tovi lay awake, staring up at the stars twinkling through the leaves of the trees beneath which they had camped. How long had it been? Weeks? Months? He could still remember his mother and father, sort of. He knew what they looked like and he could almost hear their voices in his head. But they seemed disconnected, unreal. Even Marzi, his perpetual adversary, seemed more abstract. He missed them and he missed his life. Surely, they all missed him as well.

  “Yes, my friend, they do.” The voice had returned.

  Where have you been? It had been weeks since it had spoken to him.

  “The same place I always am.”

  My parents, they’re okay? Do they think about me? And what about my sister?

  The tone softened and warmed. “Your parents think of you every day. And before you ask, yes, they know that you are safe. As for your sister, she has her role to play too. And she is well.”

  When can I go home? It was the question that plagued him day in and day out. But lately, he wondered about going home. Would that mean leaving Klunk? He couldn’t imagine life without his friend now. And what about River?

  “Things will change, Tovi Gloam of Pangrove, in ways you cannot imagine right now. The notions of ‘going home’ and ‘leaving Klunk and River’ will not be as you think of them now. It is more complicated than I can describe at the moment, so you must trust me.”

  Tovi sighed. He wanted his anger to match his frustration, but he really felt more weariness than anything. You say that a lot. That I have to trust you.

  “And you have trusted me. Have I let you down yet?”

  Tovi felt a surge of courage in dealing with this disembodied voice. I don’t know. I mean, I’m doing everything you say and everything that Myhrren says, but I don’t know if any of it is working. And don’t forget, I’ve gotten into a couple of fights and some ogres have gotten killed. On top of that, I don’t even know who or what you are.

  “I wish I could promise you that there will be no more fights. But sadly, there is more violence to come. There will be more loss and sadness. There will be more families who lose loved ones. But I do not bring this violence.”

  Yeah, I know, the dreaded wind or whatever he is. But you’re the only one I talk to and so I have to get my answers from you.

  “Dredwyn. His name is Dredwyn. And yes, you are getting many of your answers from me. But you are also learning from Klunk, Growl, River, and even Kharla. Mostly, though, you are learning for yourself. And that is good, Tovi, for your time of need is rapidly approaching. You will be tested.”

  If you’re trying to make me feel better, it’s not working.

  ◆◆◆

  The sky had lightened from its pre-dawn deep blue and brilliant desert orange to a lighter cobalt and pink hue. Tovi sat next to Kharla as he ate. The group had been fortunate so far. Each kraal had offered them food for travel, and water was available at the oases that dotted the landscape.

  He searched in his bag, taking stock of his remaining supplies. Klik munched on a handful of topar nuts while the two rock dogs lapped at water in the pool. Reaching into the bottom of his rucksack, he pulled out an item encased in dried leaves. Unwrapping it, he found the cake that Klunk’s mamaw had given him before they left—the peace offering of sorts. After all this time, though, the treat had turned rock hard.

  Tovi grasped it firmly with both hands and broke it up, handing a large chunk to Kharla. “Here. Klunk’s mother made it and I forgot all about it. It’s hard but probably still okay to eat.”

  She took the offering and nibbled around the edge, arching her eyebrows in what looked like a pleasant surprise. “It has good taste.” She took a larger bite. “Thank you.” She chewed the crunchy treat and nodded. Swallowing, she took a gulp of water and then turned to Tovi. “Do you miss your mother and father?”

  Feeling less lonely than he’d felt the previous night, Tovi shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.” He did miss them, of course, but wasn’t sure he wanted her to see him as weak.

  “I miss my father, my papaw.” A faint smile found its way onto her lips. “He would tease me sometimes. When I learned my lessons well, he would say that I was getting too smart for my own good. When I would go out and gather nuts and vegetables, he would tell me that I was growing up too fast. But he always smiled at me. And he made me laugh.”

  Tovi thought about his parents. They scolded him and reminded him of his chores. They made him do his home lessons from class. But they also made him and Marzi special treats on their name days. They always listened when he talked to them. They even laughed at his arguments with his sister. “Yes. I miss them. I hope I can see them again.”

  “When are you going home?”

  He stared at the sun, which had just started to peek over the horizon. “I don’t know. I’m not sure that I can go home. So far, nobody seems to know anything that will help.”

  She put her hand on his shoulder and, quite unexpectedly, tears came to his eyes. Neither of them spoke.

  Klunk, who sat back against another tree, stood and retrieved his pack. “We must begin the day’s walk. If we push hard, we can make the next kraal before the sun sleeps.” He shouldered his pack and turned toward the west.

  “Wait.” Kharla stood and faced him. “Before we start, I want to say something… to you and to Tovi.” She glanced down at her feet for a moment, her hands clasped in front of her. “I have been hard with you and I had no cause. For that, I offer my sorrow. I will keep the respect with you.” When she looked up, though, there was a hard look in her eyes. “I promise that I will not interfere with you, but I am here to avenge my father.”

  Klunk turned and gazed at her for a moment. “Your papaw, he was good?”

  “The best.”

  “And if he were here right now, would he want you to avenge him?”

  Kharla glared. “But he is not here right now. He was butchered by humans.”

  “And revenge will not bring him back.”

  She shouldered her pack. “Come. We move.”

  Chapter 27: Jarek

  The group took a few days for Jarek to recuperate from his injury and to stock up on their supplies. It also took Jarek, Mathias, and Burns, as well as Commander West and Virgil that long to devise and discuss their plans to infiltrate the town and farms for information. Jarek fiddled with his newly equipped parka. “I really have to wear this thing?” He pulled the hood up over his head and then pulled it back again. “It’s too hot out to wear this.”

  His two traveling companions, Burns and Mathias, adjusted their packs without speaking. The three of them had hoped to leave at daybreak but were getting a late start. The sunlight from a newly risen sun was already beginning to filter through the trees in the swamp.

  Captain Virgil, overseeing the preparations, ignored the complaint. “Stick to the countryside to start with. Try to find what you need by talking to farmers who might still be working their lands. Travel during daylight and take refuge at night. I hope some of the folk outside Ebon Lake can put you up or, at the very least, let you sleep in their barns.”

  Mathias, a wide grin painting his face, looked confident. Burns, on the other hand, seemed more pensive. Her mouth drew into a tight line as she focused her concentration on securing her gear.

  The captain continued, “And remember the cover story. Mathias, you and Burns a
re married and Jarek is your son. Got that?”

  Jarek clenched his jaw and stuffed the strong desire to hurl a snarky retort.

  Burns’ stoic look broke as she also grinned. “Come along, now, Son.”

  “This is stupid. I don’t look like a child. It’ll never work.” Jarek wanted there to be a different way. This was without a doubt the most humiliating thing he had ever endured, including his lectures from the Director.

  Virgil seemed to struggle to contain a huge grin from erupting on his face. “I don’t know, Jarek. You are about the size of a child, maybe a young teenager. If you keep the hood up and your face down, you should be able to pull it off.”

  “I can’t keep this thing on my head all the time. I’ll roast.”

  “Then maybe you can explain your pointed ears to the king’s men. I’m sure they would fall for whatever line you gave them.” The captain smirked. “Joking aside, this task you undertake would be dangerous under any circumstances. But with Jarek’s appearance and the fact that the king is looking specifically for him, one wrong move will land all of you in the castle dungeon.”

  Mathias slung his pack onto his shoulders and cinched down the waist strap. “We got this, right Jarek?”

  “Yeah, I guess.” Jarek grumbled the response half under his breath.

  The captain continued, “If things start to unravel, end the mission and get back here immediately. We can always try something else. But if they catch you, there’s not much we can do to help.”

  Comforting thought. Jarek hadn’t been terribly enthusiastic about this to start with. Now with his relegation to child status and the possibility of his life ending in the king’s dungeon, he was ready to quit. Unfortunately, he didn’t have any better ideas.

  ◆◆◆