by Jerilee Kaye
Understanding dawned on me. I laughed. “I’m sorry,” I said. “Was that too much?”
He leaned down and kissed me gently on the lips. “A little. But still tolerable.”
I leaned my head on his shoulder. “What’s going on between us, Trav?”
He chuckled softly. “You’re my wife, Brianne. I think I’m entitled to a few kisses once in a while. I would love to have more, but that part is totally up to you.”
I stared up at him. “Travis…we can’t…” I started. “You know…I can’t give myself to you and not ask for a lot of things in return. We have a beautiful relationship. Something that is more important to me than anything else. Are we willing to risk that for this desire that we both feel? It would complicate things for us even more. Don’t make me ask you for something I know you cannot give.”
He stared at me for a long while, then he heaved a sigh. “Fair enough. I think you stated your case well. And because I’m such a masochist, I’m going to kiss you as much as I want. Let Tom kick my ass in hell later!” And he kissed me again…as thoroughly as he did before, so that I almost forgot my whole monologue from a minute before.
We stayed in the pool for another hour. Talking and drinking Chardonnay. It was a perfect setting, and I had a picture in my head of what a blissful picture we made. I couldn’t wait to get to my easel and paint it on canvas.
It was already past midnight when we emerged from the pool. Travis wrapped a towel around me. I felt a tingle in the nape of my neck as he brushed his lips against the base of my neck.
“Travis…” I moaned. “Stop!”
He took a deep breath. He gave me a gentle kiss on the neck one last time and said, “Get dressed before I cannot control myself.”
I turned around and smiled at him. I got on my tiptoes and gave him a kiss on the lips, and then I went into the room. When I was alone in the bathroom, I stared at myself in the mirror. My lips were probably bruised from kissing, my face was flushed, and I had a big smile on my face that I couldn’t wipe off.
“What is wrong with me?” I scowled at myself. I felt like a silly little girl. And for Travis Cross no less! Well, this was a honeymoon after all, and I’d promised him I wouldn’t hold back.
I emerged from the bathroom wearing a silk nightgown that decently ended above my knees. Travis took one hard look at me and groaned, “So help me God!”
I laughed. “This is the most decent one your assistant packed in the bag.”
Travis shook his head in frustration. He gave me a smack on the lips, and then he went into the bathroom. I lay on the bed and switched off the lights. The room was illuminated by the moonlight coming from outside. I could hear the faint gushing of the waves below us.
I still had a big smile on my face. I don’t know what was going on between Travis and me, but I was almost certain I was enjoying it. I promised not to hold back what I felt. I promised to go with the flow… so Travis could let go of his control.
Once again, he’d admitted that he wanted me. But that wasn’t what I wanted. My relationship with him was too beautiful to risk for just a ‘want,’ a desire. If I allowed him to touch me, I would want him to ‘love’ me…as in fall in love with me. And I would want to be the only woman in his life from that point forward.
I knew Travis would want to stay with me forever after that. But that wasn’t enough. If he stayed with me, I wanted him to do it because he felt I was the only one for him. Not because he was honor-bound to do so, because he didn’t want to hurt me. I would want him to stay with me simply because he wouldn’t be able to live without me. And I knew…that was too much to ask.
Chapter Twenty-Two
When I woke up the next day, my head was resting comfortably on Travis’s shoulder. We had our arms around each other, as if it was a natural thing for us to sleep in the same bed.
“Good morning,” I greeted him.
He smiled lazily. “Good morning.” He leaned down and kissed my forehead gently.
I stretched in bed lazily, and then I stood up and disappeared into the bathroom.
We had our breakfast in one of the restaurants of the hotel. We chose a spot overlooking the ocean. It was a beautiful view, and I was almost sorry I hadn’t brought a sketchbook with me.
After breakfast, Travis and I decided to swim on the beach. We went kayaking, and then we sunbathed on the shore. There were some couples there, but it wasn’t crowded and was easy enough to mind our own business.
We walked on the shoreline just before sunset, our fingers intertwined.
“It’s beautiful here,” I said.
“Yes. I’m glad you like it,” he said. “I wanted to give you the honeymoon you deserve, Brianne. This is your first marriage, after all.”
“Whatever happened to that guy who told me he’d just be a mere groom who would meet me at the altar?” I teased.
He sighed. “You also told me to put my mask down.” He stopped walking and pulled me gently so I would face him. “I guess this is me. Do you like what you see?”
I stared back at him, and I saw a picture of a boy with a broken soul, a man who had let go of the control he had held on to for decades of his life. He was torn, he was broken…but he was sensitive, he was sweet…he was every bit as loveable as I thought he would be.
I took a deep breath and struggled to find my voice. “I don’t like it. I love it,” I whispered, and I threw myself in his arms and gave him a big hug. “If you could only stay like this with me forever, Travis…”
He took a deep breath and hugged me back. “That would mean weakness, vulnerability…I can’t always allow that, Brianne.”
“Not even with me?”
“Don’t you already love me the way I am?”
“Yes…but now, I know you have two different sides,” I replied. “And this is the guy I want to be with.”
He sighed. “You’re lucky I love you,” he said. “The favors you ask of me are far too weird…too difficult.”
“At least I didn’t require you to give up half of your fortune!” I laughed.
He raised a brow. “You did, actually.”
I blinked back. “When?”
“When you married me,” he replied. “You own half of what I own now.”
“But this is not…”
“What? This marriage is real, Brianne,” he said. “You’re my wife now. That’s not a fake, make-believe thing. We didn’t even have a prenup.”
“But you know why we got married, right?”
He narrowed his eyes at me for a moment and then he said, “Why did we get married, Brianne?”
I stared back at Travis. Looking at his handsome face and his intense, piercing eyes, I forgot the real reason why I’d called in the favor I’d asked fourteen years earlier. It was like…nothing else was important now. At that moment, there was nowhere else I would rather have been…no one else I would rather have been with…not even Christian.
“Because…” I started. Because I really couldn’t think of the reason why I’d married him, I thought about the reason why he’d married me. “Because I asked you this favor fourteen years ago. And you were one guy who could keep your promises.”
He took a deep breath. “Yeah. I guess you could say that.” He pulled away from me and we started walking again.
I stared up at him. “You sound like you’re tired of doing me all these weird favors!” I teased.
“It can be exhausting,” he grinned back at me.
I glared at him and pretended I found that offensive. “Okay, fine! Don’t do me any favors ever again!” And I walked out on him.
I felt him pull me, but I struggled to get away from him and I started running away.
He made one wrong pull. But he was also quick to realize it. Quickly he was beside me, pulling me to him and hugging me.
I realized then what had happened. I was wearing a bikini top, and in my efforts to get away from Travis, he had accidentally pulled the strings that tied my top to my body. He en
closed me in his arms before anybody around us could notice what happened.
I was aware that I was half-naked and touching skin-to-skin with him. I buried my face in his shoulder in embarrassment.
When I stared up at him, his eyes were dancing.
“Dammit, Travis!”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “It was a slight miscalculation on my part.”
I pinched him on the side as hard as I could.
“Ouuuch!!!” he moaned. “Do you want me to let go of you now?”
I panicked. I shook my head. “No. Please don’t,” I begged.
Travis chuckled. He fixed my top in place and then he tied the strings on my back in a secure knot.
“Next time, tie your tops more securely,” he said, staring down at me, his eyes laughing.
“Next time, pull somewhere or something else,” I said evenly.
He laughed. “Yes. Next time.” And he leaned down to give me a kiss at the base of my neck that sent shivers down my spine and almost turned my knees to jelly. How is Travis doing this to me? I thought, getting more and more frustrated with myself.
I breathed in the scent of him and hugged him to me.
I wondered what would happen when we got back to Manhattan, when we truly started making our life together. When Travis started becoming the reserved, unemotional, cold, ruthless man he wanted to be again. When I started holding back all my feelings for him to prevent myself from falling in love with the one guy I couldn’t afford to lose in my life. When I started forgetting how wonderful and blissful this honeymoon had been. And how it was everything I had ever dreamt of and more.
We played like little kids on the beach. We built sandcastles, we chased each other on the shore. Every time he caught me, he would sweep me off my feet, carry me in his arms, and take me to the water. Travis laughed more that day than I had ever heard him in my entire life. His eyes had a certain glitter in them. He looked more boyish, and more than that, I thought he looked happy. And it warmed me to know that I made him happy! After all the things that Travis had done for me, I wanted to do something for him this time.
We watched the sunset together. I was cradled in his arms while we sat on our deck. The scene before me was far more beautiful than I could ever have imagined. And it was more special because I was in the arms of a man whom I trusted with my life, a man I knew would go to hell and back to protect me, save me, and keep me happy.
“Are you happy, Travis?”
He took a deep breath. Then I felt him kiss my temple and inhale through my hair. “For many reasons, Brianne…I think I am.”
That made me smile. He gave me a squeeze and I stared up at him. His beautiful eyes were unreadable. They were staring down at me, speaking to my soul, as if there were something he wanted to say to me that he couldn’t, as if he were pleading for something, asking for forgiveness, or looking for answers.
Panic swept through me. A while ago, I had been happy to hear him say he was happy. Now I felt really sad because I knew that something was up. It was as if Travis was really in pain, but he was trying his best to look happy…to make me happy.
“Is…something wrong, Travis?” I asked.
He took a deep breath and then he shook his head. Instead of answering, he bent down and kissed me on the lips. He kissed me thoroughly, passionately. There were a thousand words hidden in that kiss, and I wanted to cry because I wanted to understand them…I wanted to know what he wanted to say. I wanted to know everything about him…every hidden layer of his soul. But I knew it was too much to ask of him to tell me everything. At least for now.
The sun went down and Travis and I were still kissing. When I pulled away, I almost felt embarrassed. I was feeling more than one emotion, more than one spark. I was ready to ignite, and I was so close to breaking all the rules just to be with him.
I went inside the bungalow to take a bath as I was still dressed in my two-piece suit, with sand particles covering my body. Travis followed me inside.
I didn’t speak. I was trying to calm down because I was ready to invite Travis to join me in the bath or in bed. Damn! He wasn’t the only one struggling to control his desire.
At the door of the bathroom, I made the mistake of looking back at him. I didn’t shield my eyes. All my emotions…hunger and yearning…were readable on my face as I looked at the one man who could read me like a book! When I looked at him, it seemed we had the same thing on our minds.
Things happened quickly. Before I knew it, his lips were on me again. He pulled me to him, a little rougher than usual. His tongue invaded my mouth in kisses that were meant to devour and conquer.
My own hands weren’t helping me. I was pulling him, kissing him back with as much hunger and eagerness.
When he freed my lips, he nuzzled my neck. I let out a loud moan as I pulled his neck as if I could get him closer than he already was. I realized we were in the shower already. I was leaning against the bathroom wall helplessly. I allowed him to kiss me the way he did in my vivid dreams of him.
I remembered what it felt like…his skin against mine, his lips devouring me…taking me on an intense ride of passion.
But I knew I wasn’t dreaming this time…the feel of his skin against mine was as real as it would ever be.
“Damn it, Brianne!” he cursed softly against my skin. “Stop me!”
“Travis…” I whispered his name. He nuzzled my neck and somehow, I couldn’t think about stopping him. It was like my mind was a complete blank.
“Tell me to stop, love,” he begged. But he himself didn’t make any move to end the madness that was taking over both of us at the moment. His arms around my waist were getting tighter each second, in sync with the urgency of his hot kisses against my lips and my skin.
I took a deep breath. In all honesty, I wanted this—just as badly as Travis did. I wanted this to happen. I wanted Travis to take me…right then and there. I was losing all sense of control, all sense of reason. I realized that I wanted Travis more than I had ever wanted any man in my life! I wanted the very first man I had been with…I want to feel him again. Moreover, I wanted to freely touch him and look at him as he made love to me.
“Travis…”
His lips found mine again. He kissed me, softly bruising my lips, sending me closer and closer to my breaking point.
“Brianne…you have to stop me!” he said in a hoarse voice wrapped with lust.
“Why?” I murmured the only syllable that could escape my mouth at the moment.
“Because…I’m a few seconds away from taking you again!” he said, his voice filled with warning. “And that…will change everything between us!”
Something about what he said made me blink back to reality. When I opened my eyes, I found that Travis had stopped kissing me. His eyes were teary, his expression dark and intense. He was staring at me deeply, begging me to comprehend what he was trying to say.
He took a deep breath. “The next time I take you, Brianne…I will not allow you to forget anymore. And I will not disappear like I did before. The next time I take you…I will ask you to put all your bets on the table, and risk everything.” He took a deep breath, controlling his emotions. “I’m a few seconds from unleashing the beast inside me. The beast I was protecting you from for so many years. And once it’s out, Brianne…I won’t have the strength to lock it up anymore.” He stared at me for a long while, allowing me to absorb every word he said. “So if you want me to remain the same safe guy you’ve always had…please…stop me now.”
I felt like Travis had taken me to a crossroads. He was making me choose between two paths. One path led to the same comfortable refuge that I have always had…with the same Travis who would protect me from every beast, including himself, who had asked me to forget what had happened between us many years ago…because he felt so guilty about taking me. And another path led to something uncertain…something more exciting, something more terrifying. Something that would allow both of us to explore the passion we felt
for each other…but could come at the expense of the bonds of friendship we had cultivated for years.
And somehow…I realized that I was not ready to risk Travis for anything. Not yet. Even though I knew I wanted him with so much passion and intensity, I also knew that I loved him with every bit of my soul and that I would die if I ever lost him in any way. And there was a huge chance that I might…because I would expect him to commit to me. I would not allow him to touch any other woman, even if that made him happiest. And I knew that would be too much to ask. And Travis had already given me so much in the past. He’d already given me his life. It would be too much to ask him for his heart.
No, Travis Cross was not something I could afford to gamble with.
“I’m not going to lose you, Travis,” I whispered. Then I took a deep breath and said, “So…please stop.” My voice was broken. I know I didn’t sound convincing. I wasn’t even able to convince myself.
Travis smiled at me ruefully. I couldn’t read his expression. I wasn’t sure if he was disappointed or relieved. He reached for the knob behind me and turned on the shower. I shivered at the cold water running against my skin.
Travis took a deep breath and stared at me for a while. Then he said, “I guess we both need a cold shower.”
I don’t know how long we stood there. He was standing at arms’ length away from me. Both his hands were on either side of my face, caging me in as he leaned against the wall to support his weight. His face was turned toward the floor and his eyes were closed as he let the water run down his body. He didn’t touch me or look at me. I leaned against the bathroom wall, feeling the cold water run over my skin, trying to calm my pounding heart and my raging nerves.
I remembered Travis’s face in my dream many nights ago. He gently and passionately took me. It was everything I wanted it to be…it was every bit as wonderful as I thought lovemaking should be. In my dreams, I came to my peak twice…he never abandoned me, he gave me pleasure, and he caressed me in ways I wanted to be caressed. He screamed my name over and over when he reached his peak, and then he held me as tightly as he could when it was over. It was everything I could ever dream of, maybe even more. And in my dreams, he didn’t ask me to close my eyes. He didn’t ask me not to say his name. He said my name as if it was the sweetest word that could come off his lips.
