When we got to our house, I told Gid which way to go to get to the right room, and told him I would have the light on. I ran upstairs and got into my pink nightdress that I had made the week after the embarrassing night at Mary's house. I sat on the side of the bed, waiting for Gid to come in. I wondered if Mem or Datt heard him in the barn, or if they were too sound asleep. I knew I would get teased about having a date the next day if anyone in the family found out. They expected I would eventually have a date, but they didn't know when or with whom. And Mem and Datt were expected, like other parents in the community, to ignore any sounds they might hear in the night, including the sound of a stranger's footsteps on the stairs on his way to their daughter's bedroom.
Gid came slowly up the stairs, through Joe and Simon's room, and opened my door. He took off his hat, then his shirt, leaving his white T-shirt on. Then he took off his shoes, leaving his pants and socks on. He pulled the bed covers back and got in on the other side of the bed. I got in on my side and lay on my back, stiff and tense. I wondered whether I was supposed to blow out the lamp, but since Gid didn't say anything, I didn't. We lay there. I was thinking to myself, if he tries to shmunzle (hug and kiss), then I will have to let him. I knew young people would sometimes shmunzle when they were alone. I had seen several couples at the singing that night, shmunzling in the shadows of the buggies. But I had no desire to be touched in any way by Gid.
At some point, Gid took his arm out from under the covers and laid his hand over the covers, on top of my stomach. I tensed even more. He left his hand there for a while, and then he took it away. He left for home around one o'clock in the morning. I thought that was an unusual time for him to leave. I thought most of the time young men leave for home around four o'clock in the morning. I didn't understand why until the following weekend, at my second singing.
I was sitting on Gid's buggy with Lizzie. She asked me how my shnitz went. (Shnitz is what the Amish call a first date.)
I said, “Okay.”
Lizzie giggled behind her hand. “I laughed when I heard about it,” she said.
“Why? Because you didn't think I would have a date?” I asked.
“No, because you didn't know.” She giggled behind her hand again.
“Know what?” I asked.
I could just make out the surprise on her face in the moonlight, and she said, “Oh, you still don't know?” She giggled behind her hand again. “Well, I'll have to tell you. When you have a date, you are supposed to shmunzle.”
I sat there stunned. I knew young people did shmunzle, but I didn't know they were expected to. I was thinking, I couldn't have hugged or kissed Gid. I had no romantic feelings for him at all. Lizzie was still giggling into her hand like a schoolgirl. Then I wondered how Lizzie knew whether we had shmunzled or not. I knew I hadn't told her, so that must mean Gid had told someone and she found out. I wondered how many other people knew. I was embarrassed. I excused myself and found the outhouse, where I could be alone.
Later that night, I found out Lizzie had already dated Gid twice. Her third date with him happened that night. Several weeks later, she and Gid started going steady.
My second date introduced me to the world of shmunzling. We had both been invited to the same house for overnight. James's kisses were sweet and passionate, and for several nights after that, I longed for his arms around me, and the feel of his lips on mine. Several weeks later, Bishop Dan Wengerd's son, Owen, took me aside and set me up with James for another date for the following Saturday night. Owen said James would come to my house.
On Saturday night, I got dressed in my light green nightdress and waited in my room for hours. James never showed up. I wondered if Owen had set it up without being asked by James, to make it look like I had been stood up.
Owen and I had been in the same class in school. He teased me and made fun of me in seventh and eighth grade. I mostly ignored him, but I used to wonder why he had it in for me. I had never done anything to him. I would never know whether it was James's or Owen's doing that left me feeling alone on that long Saturday night. Around three in the morning, I got under the covers and slept.
The dates I had after that were disgusting. One boy's teeth got in the way when we kissed, another boy's feet smelled so bad I could hardly breathe, and some of the others didn't know where to stop, even though I pushed their hands away. They would come right back as though they didn't understand, or as if they thought I was playing a game with them. I learned the cure for that. It worked for every one of them. I would say, “Du net!” (Do not!) and push their hands away. They all had the same reaction. They turned their backs immediately and went to sleep. Then I had to wait until they would slip out in the dark morning hours. I would pretend I was sleeping to save us both from the embarrassment.
One boy complained all the way home about how far it was to my house. By the time he got into my bedroom, I was feeling so guilty for the distance he had traveled, I thought I needed to allow him to do almost anything, short of going all the way. He was the first to break my below-the-waist barrier. I found out the next day, he was one of my second cousins. It's a good thing I didn't like any of the boys I dated, because most of them turned out to be my second cousins. Joe was going steady with Emma at that point. They were second cousins in three different ways, which I found repulsive. I was determined that if I was going to get married, I was not going to marry any relatives. I realized how hard that would be, given that I was related to so many in my community.
I OPENED MY EYES when David pulled into a rest stop somewhere in New York State. He asked, “Can you drive for a while? I am going to need to drive another three hours after I drop you off in Massachusetts.”
“Sure, I don't mind driving, but don't you and Tim want to stay overnight at Green Street?”
“No, I told you, I want to get home. I have to go to work tomorrow.”
Tim asked, “Dad, can I drive part of the way home?”
“Sure,” David said.
After the rest stop, David fell asleep, and Tim put on his headphones to listen to music. I was once more alone with my thoughts, as I cruised along on Route 90. I remembered the days when Joe was the most insufferable, just before he got married and left home.
Traditionally, wedding plans are kept secret within the Amish community until the bishop in the bride's church district announces the wedding that will take place on a Thursday, eleven days later. Thursday is the traditional day for Amish weddings. The announcement at church is what the Amish call “publishing” the wedding. Joe and Emma were published to be married the summer I turned eighteen. Until then, I had thought at least the families of the bride and groom knew of the wedding plans in advance, but Joe and Emma's plans came as a total surprise to me. Mem only smiled when I asked her if she had known about their plans.
During his last few hours at home, Joe bossed us around more than ever. We had to pack his clothes. He would stay at Emma's house during the last eleven days before the wedding day, to help with preparations, like going by buggy to invite people to attend the service, and moving furniture out of the house so the benches could be brought in.
When Mem told me to go upstairs and start his packing, I asked her, “Where are they going to live when they get married?”
“In the basement of Emma's brother's house,” Mem said.
I almost danced up the stairs. Sometimes young married couples will live with one set of parents or the other while they get their own place established. I was so relieved that they were not going to live with us.
I took clothes from Joe's drawer and packed them into his suitcase. Down-stairs, Joe was bossing Susan to get his bath water ready, right now. I wanted to go down and ask him, “Are you going to treat Emma this way too?” But I told myself, He is leaving; it doesn't matter anymore. I knew he was just making sure we knew who was boss, for just as long as he could.
An hour later, when Joe stepped onto his buggy and took off out the drive-way, his horse's head reined higher
than ever, I got butterflies in my stomach. I dared not show my elation about the fact that he was no longer going to be living at home. I saw Mem looking out the window, and I realized this was very different for her than it was for me. Her eldest son and closest companion was leaving home. I retreated to my room. As I walked past the mirror, I realized I was no longer suppressing the smile that I felt inside. The only time I could catch myself smiling in the mirror was accidentally. Otherwise my smile looked unnatural. For the first time, I saw myself as someone else might see me. I had never thought of myself as attractive before, but I knew if I were looking at someone else, I would think she was pretty—a narrow face with fine features, including a small forehead, a little pug nose that was so characteristic of Mem's side of the family, fair skin with pink cheeks, dark hair and eyes, and plump red lips. When I first read Snow White as a child, I thought, Why would she be pretty? She sounds like she looks like me.
I lay down on the bed to read, but I couldn't concentrate. I could only think about how my life had just changed. Would the trouble with Datt's violence change, now that Joe was out of the house? Who would Joe ask to be his neva hocka (witness) at his wedding? He didn't get along with Lizzie, but usually the oldest unmarried sibling was asked.
The next day, Joe and Emma drove in the lane. They stayed on the buggy and asked Mem if she would send me out. When I came out, Joe said, “Emma and I were wondering if you would be our neva hocka.” In Amish, the siblings and their partners are called neva hocka—literally, “one who sits beside”—and are the equivalent of a best man and maid of honor, with partners. Usually the sibling chooses who she or he wants for a partner, and the two couples of neva hocka have a date the night before and the night of the wedding.
I knew why Joe wasn't asking Lizzie. Part of me wanted to refuse, knowing how much it would hurt her if I accepted, but another part of me wanted the honor, and the chance, finally, to be able to choose my own date. This would be my chance to get to know the person before going to bed with him, like I'd always wanted to. I used to fantasize what it would be like to have someone ask me out on a real date—to eat dinner together and get to know one another—before going to bed with one another. My heart beat faster when I went down my mental list of who I might ask.
“Sure,” I said. “I'll do it.”
“We thought we would ask Emma's cousin, Albert, to be your partner,” Joe said. Emma sat wordlessly by his side.
My excitement melted. I said, “Well, I don't know him.”
“That doesn't matter. Emma has chosen her sister Ada to be neva hocka, and Ada doesn't know Cousin Andy either, but she is still having him for her partner,” Joe said.
My heart sank for Ada. Cousin Andy was like Joe, except with red hair instead of brown. They had gotten in trouble in Pennsylvania for shooting deer out of season, and Andy could undress a woman with his eyes, just like Joe could.
I wanted to say, So it doesn't matter who I end up in bed with; it can be any stranger? Instead I said, “Usually people get to choose.”
“Did you have someone in mind?” he asked.
I recognized Joe's trap. He was only curious about who I would ask. Even if I named my choices, he would still make me go with Albert, whoever he was. I decided not to give Joe the satisfaction.
“I'd have to think about it,” I said. “Yesterday morning I didn't even know you were getting married. I didn't know you wanted me to be neva hocka until now.”
“You don't have to if you don't want to. Most people would jump at the chance.”
“I told you I will do it,” I said.
“With Albert?”
I thought about saying no, not with Albert, but I decided the least I could do was deprive him of knowing my secrets.
“Yes,” I said. Since you aren't giving me a choice, I wanted to add, but I didn't. I hated so much that Joe could still use his power over me.
“Here is a sample of the material for your dress,” Emma said, speaking for the first time. She handed me a piece of royal blue polyester. “You can buy it at Spector's.”
I took the sample. Usually the bride paid for the dresses of the girls in her wedding. Probably Joe had forbidden it. I doubted Mem would pay for it, either. Usually I had to buy my own dress material with the five dollars weekly allowance I was allowed to keep from the money I made cleaning houses. I could just hear her argument: “But it will be your dress.”
But Mem surprised me. I had to buy the dress material, but she paid for the organdy material for my cape and apron and for the new white head covering Aunt Saloma made for me. Several days later, while I sewed my dress, I wondered what Albert was like. When I had talked to Emma alone after Joe had gone into the barn to see Datt, she had told me that he was shy and I would be his first date, but that was all I knew. I wished again that I could make my own choice. Still, I looked forward to the wedding. Usually when there was a gathering, I was just one person in the crowd. This would be a chance for me to be noticed.
On the night before the wedding, I pressed my dress and cape and apron and put my new white head covering in a box, ready to go. Joe had sent word that Albert lived too far away and wouldn't be able to pick me up, so I should find my own way to Emma's house. That meant I had to pay for a taxi.
I arrived just before suppertime at Emma's house. Joe met me on the side porch. He had dark stubble on his face. Now that he was getting married, he had to grow a man's beard. Ever since he joined church, he had been growing a little beard, just on his chin. “You're a little early, but you can help out,” he said in greeting.
I nodded. “I got word that I should find my own way here, but I didn't know what time I should come.”
“Just so you know,” Joe said, his voice lowering, “Albert is really shy. Don't embarrass him by talking too much.” Then he gave a knowing smile, flashing his crooked teeth, and went inside.
Emma's sister Ada came out to the porch a moment later. “Lomie! Come on in. You don't have to stay out here by yourself!”
I pulled myself together. “What can I help you with?” I asked.
“We're just putting supper on the table.” I followed her inside.
In the kitchen, Emma's mother looked up but didn't say hello. I was used to that. I had spent many Sunday afternoons at Emma's, to visit with her sisters, Ada and Ella, before we all went out to singings together. I had once told Joe I didn't think Emma's mother liked me, and Joe had told me that Emma's mother wasn't really as unfriendly as she looked. She was just shy and uneasy around people.
Ada's partner, my Cousin Andy, was there, and so was a young man of slight build with blond hair. The expression in his eyes was telling everyone how much he didn't want to be there. He held his hands on his lap, as though he felt helpless in this situation. I knew he must be Albert. He sat so quietly, I wondered if he thought people wouldn't notice him if he didn't move. I also wondered how he was going to survive the next day, when over two hundred people would notice him.
At supper, we were told what we needed to do the next day. Joe said, “Saloma, you just need to help with whatever Ada is doing.” I knew Joe was really telling me I should stay in my place, second to Ada. I nodded agreement.
When I got to the upstairs bedroom that I would share with Albert, he was already sitting on the edge of the bed. I got in on the other side, closest to the wall. Albert blew out the oil lamp and lay down.
We lay there in the dark for a long time. Finally, I said, “Tomorrow will be a different day for all of us.”
He was quiet so long that I realized he wasn't going to answer. I wondered what to say next. Should I initiate shmunzling, since this was his first date and he wasn't making any moves? Or would that be too forward? Maybe he felt the way I had on my first date.
Albert lay on his stomach. I moved over towards him and put my arm across his back.
He stiffened.
I moved away. Still wondering what I should do next, I heard his breathing suddenly deepen, as though he had fall
en asleep. I fell asleep, too.
Albert was not in bed when I awoke in the morning. I got up, dressed in my everyday clothes, and went down for breakfast. I hardly noticed that the October morning had dawned bright and sunny.
After we'd eaten, Emma, Ada, and I dressed in our new bright blue dresses and crisp capes and aprons. Amish women usually get married in blue dresses with white capes and aprons made for the wedding. We had to wear our black head coverings, as if we were going to church for the service, and then we would wear our white coverings for the reception. It was customary for the married women to wear white coverings and the unmarried women to wear black for church services and weddings. This would be Emma's last time wearing her black covering.
When we were dressed, we joined the three men in the wedding party in a room in the basement, next to the washhouse. Through a small window, we could see people arriving by horse and buggy. Many people looked in the window at us. It was usually a secret until the day of the wedding who would be the partner neva hocka with the siblings of the bride and groom. I wanted to see surprise register on their faces, but I didn't see any. Rueben's Ada, who had picked raspberries with me at Robert's fruit farm when we were eleven years old, and who had a way of making me feel as though she was superior, looked in at us, and then she chewed her gum and looked the other way, as if this was no big deal.
Why I Left the Amish Page 13
