by Mer Williams
Why do I get the nagging feeling that he is cat fishing me? He has a way with words that only a twenty five year old can pull off.
Like its hard to figure that out. You have been awfully chatty with him of late so he knows what you like to hear. When I said he would like to buy your love I did not mean that you develop a silly crush on him too.
Oh, I said that loud? Not good, Katie.
Is that the speech I get for making you a delicious breakfast? I expected something along the lines of thank you. I address Shirley who is chewing her food like it cannot get to her digestion truck faster enough.
I rise from my seat at the dining table and pour myself a glass of juice.
Whatever. May I see his picture? She says and goes through my phone. He's not too bad looking. And why do you reply to his texts after every fifteen seconds?
Why did you even bother asking for permission?
Now, dont get mad at me for sneaking. But you'll thank me later, I am responsible for your mental health and right now, duty calls.
Are you really gonna use sisterhood as an excuse to snoop? She would call me a hypocrite if she recalls that I usually go through her texts as well.
Chill your tits. It's not like you have been sharing nudes. Not so much to get worked up about."
My fucking tits will fucking chill when they fucking please. Phone, now."I extend my right hand and I suddenly notice that my fingers are in an urgent of need a manicure.
Language”, Shirley smirks and hands over the phone.
What's that look you giving me for?
Just noticed that if you were to eliminate Christian, your phone would be dry with no incoming texts. Wow. I know that wicked glance.
Why do I get the feeling that this observation pleases you? I eye her suspiciously.
Don't blame me for taking delight in the fact that I am not the only twenty four year old in town with no potential suitors to blow up her phone up with text messages.
Thanks for the sweet reminder, it's really uplifting, I say with as much sarcasm I can summon.
The next few minutes pass by in silence as Shirley busies herself between sipping coffee and scrolling through her phone. I type a response to Christian:
Are you trying to say you find me interesting?
Really subtle Edwards, letting a man know you are fishing for a compliment. Immediately I tap send I see two blue ticks and he is typing. Men, they never have to analyze their statements with fear of appearing desperate.
Because they are almost never desperate .They just want a good time.
Interesting is an understatement. Do you trust me enough to send a picture? Or maybe even change your profile picture to an actual picture of you?
They are all the same. They always demand pictures .My profile picture is of a cruise ship, inspired by activity in my bucket list to travel by sea before I hit forty.
You're not in any way implying that my choice of a profile picture is not cool, right?
In as much as I find it odd, no .I am simply requesting that I have a picture of your sexy self. If you don't mind.
A sexy picture of me? Maybe if you shipped me lingerie and sexy dresses I might actually pose for one.
Ha! Take that Bradshaw, you are buying my love. And it's in Kenyan Shillings.
I most certainly did not expect him to text back immediately. Life is not fair, if it were me I would have taken three business days to get a neutral reply.
That's a sight I am looking forward to. Send me your full names, email address, phone number and street address.
At this point, I read out the message to my companion who has gone awfully quiet. I hope she is not thinking about Eddie.
Text him the details but not now, next month. Right now make it sound like you were kidding. We don't want him to create a fake ID and use your name to commit crime or use the information for cyber robbery. If he brings it up a future date, lets say a month from now, send them without any hesitation.
Okay. So the moral lesson is that I have to assume the worst of him during this probation period?
Yes. You finally pierced it together. Mama is proud." Shirley high fives me.
I bite my bottom lip and play with my thumbnails as I try to type something clever.
Tempting. But you would have to convince me that you wouldn't use the information to hunt me down and kidnap me for sex trade.
Backspace, Katie we do not want the innocent man to know you have watched too many documentaries about slavery and murder.
Yes. That would be lovely but I should have mentioned that I am a nun.
Not bad, but he would see through that. Alternatively, he would believe me and be rendered to think having my number is useless and he would never speak to me again. And I really want the lingerie. Or you know, if he could wire me the money and I buy for myself if he can't decide. After all its quite difficult to determine a girls size by simply looking at her pictures.
All the brain cells finally agree that this is neither witty nor defensive but at least it is original:
Here's a novel idea, fly to Kenya and see me in person.
With that, I go offline and put my persuasion skills into use. But not before finding my lighter, I seriously need to buy nicotine gum if Im going to survive this crap. Shirley eventually agrees that Monday is a bitch anyway, she would rather spend it hangover than making calls to clients.
CHAPTER SIX
I am woken up by the most irritating sound of a phone ringing. The ringtone, Mama by Jonas Blue cannot be mistaken.
So since the damn phone made it home, where is it? I stretch my aching arms to pick it from under the bed. I check the caller ID and it's none other than my older sister.
So, I have great news! Annie shouts in my ear and I go temporarily dumb.
I immediately regret not turning off my phone. How do people our age manage to be this extra cheerful at six freaking a.m?
I am in a dire need of fourteen hours of sleep. It better be worth interrupting my sleep, woman.
You wouldn't believe the night I had! And I tried calling you severally, is ignoring calls your newfound hobby?
Get to the fucking point or I'll hang up.
She knows me better to know I am not kidding. It's really frustrating for someone to keep in you in suspense when they could just spill it. What difference would it make by holding it back longer verses simply breaking the news? I dont get what the fuss is all about when its clear as day it is bound to generate the same reaction.
Justin proposed. Unbelievable, right? We had a candle lit dinner outside our favorite restaurant and he was there looking absolutely breathtaking in fitting three piece suit he wore to our cousin Myra's...
Congratulations honey, I cut her off. Do you mind if I hang up? Ill call you later in my cheerleader tone for proper reception of your wonderful news.
Why, have you been up all night?
I was out for a few drinks with Shirley and let's say I have not stayed out all night in a long time. Bye.
Okay. Bye, she finally ends the call with not a hint of dejection in her tone. Usually, it took me more than two minutes to get Annie off a call when she is not busy and from the look of things, it must be a sign that things are finally going my way.
Happening in the order I want them to unfold. So Ollie, pick the damn phone and text me what I really want to hear. Please.
I sleep for what might be seven hours and occasionally waking up to pee. We arrived at around seven after stopping to take breakfast at a hotel not far from my apartment. Shirley hit the sack the moment she called her boss feigning flu and has earned herself two days at home. She left sometime in the afternoon mumbling something about an appointment at the salon.
Around 5 pm, I take a long shower and put on one of Ollie's T-shirts, the one that looked too cute to be left behind. I have worn it too many times that there's no lingering
smell of him anymore.
I suppose that's good for my mental health.
I decide I am not too moody to flick on channels on TV to find something interesting to act as background noise while I scroll through my phone. I settle on a cooking show and go through my notifications.
Is that a dare?
From Christian sent yesterday at 3pm.Wow, I have been offline for over twelve hours. Weird.
I fly to Kenya soon for a work thing so that's something to look forward to. Goodnight.
3.13 pm. Hmm, I am also looking forward to disappoint you Bradshaw , I don't do well with blind dates. Or meet ups. Or whatever this is.
I found this cute baby carrier in a random baby shop along Moi Avenue.
Someone please tell Jessica Odero that I am not in the least bit interested in checking out and aww-ing at baby carriers, baby cots and anything that revolves around babies.
I will not dignify this with a proper response so I leave her on read .
I reply to Christian instead:
Well, isn't that just convenient?
I am not really in the mood to chat yet. I want to go through my feed and watch you tube videos peacefully without having to endure endless conversations online. Christian is online. I hate him for replying too fast.
I really should clue him a thing or two about texting rules. He seems too nice to receive the same treatment I give annoying admirers when they act too interested to the point that they bore me to death and I have to leave them on read. Every single time.
Very convenient. Even without a work excuse I could still make time to meet you in person.
Oh my God would you stop being so predictable. And annoyingly nice.
Who knows, maybe you'll soon get bored with me and find other hobbies.
I hope he does.
With that, I go offline and head to the kitchen to make rice water. I intend to make my hair more voluminous just how hair tutorials on You Tube instructed. It is a bit gross but far much better than the onions and aloe vera. I don't think I am idle enough to withstand what might be a rotten smell.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Someone should have told me that sending a resume out of boredom can almost guarantee you a job. With a nonexistent social life, my day revolves around Netflix, stalking on social media, eating junk and sending resumes to please mom.
This is how I ended up with an interview to look forward to with an NGO based in Nakuru, thanks to Jess. I once sent her an email attaching my CV because she demanded that between her husband and my moms network, I could land myself a prestigious job. Well, I failed to mention to her that I have had a spot waiting for me in Virginia for a while but I really dont like working in an office setting. Wrong career choices can make you bitter.
Suffice to say, this is not how I pictured my Sunday morning; obsessing over interviews. It is scheduled for Thursday so I should be pretty much decided about it. My dilemma is to do with the fact Jess knows about the appointment and has even sent me a cheat sheet of the questions. I guess she is be bored and just wants to make me one of her projects. It would really make her look good if she spreads word that she saved me from alcoholism and got me a well paying job.
I have a feeling that she is expecting me to turn down the offer. It would be further proof that I am one ungrateful bitch.
On days like these, a glass of whisky would help tone down the depressing thoughts running undisciplined in my mind. What stops me from the trading the juice for something stronger is a text from Christian. I welcome the distraction and quickly open the text.
Whats on your agenda today, princess?
Indoors, spending the depressing Sunday the proper way
I thought the proper way was to attend a church service and have late lunch with family or friends?
I highly doubt thats how his day is coming along but I let it slide.
I am new in this neighborhood.
It is not a complete lie anyway. I dont even know my neighbors name.
This is how I end up telling him more than he needs to know. I have just typed a paragraph briefly mentioning that I have to smoke and drink to distract me from life changing decisions. Honestly, at this point, I dont care that I over shared. Who is he gonna tell? He is literally millions of miles away.
This is what early twenties do to you. You question everything. If you were given a chance to erase the past few years, what would you do differently?
I dont miss a beat and confess what I am yet to admit to myself.
I would study something I enjoy. Too bad I am only realizing that six years down the line when I should have my life together. Life has a weird sense of humor, right?
Whats stopping you?
I stare at the ceiling thinking of a reply. I am yet to come up with an answer myself.
He is still online when I reply and has taken to typing and starting over again. I get bored after three minutes of waiting and toss the phone on the unmade bed and head over to the balcony. There is too much breeze and I regret my choice of outfit, a tank and jean shorts. It is early August which is quite unusual for the darkening clouds that signal the beginning of a heavy downpour. Could this day get any worse?
When I check my phone after two hours, I find that I have a new text. It is from my brother Alex.
So Karen made an announcement today and depending on how you take it, it could either be good or bad news
My brother has always made it a mission to shy away from family drama and gossip. He is giving me the dirt, willingly .This is big.
She is finally getting a plastic surgery to fix her attitude? If so, this would be the highlight of my day.
To my delight, Alex is online and replies after a few seconds.
Oh sissy, always assuming the worst. She announced over dinner that they are expecting a baby.
What the actual fuck?
CHAPTER EIGHT
I bet she is bitchier than usual.
She has to be. I hear pregnancy hormones are no joke. I am just glad not to be the one living with them.
No she is n't. Come on be happy for dad at least. And Karen is not as bad as you and Annie want everyone to believe. She is currently helping me with college applications.
The traitor. I bet she will be helping him with college essays too.
Weird.
I get a call from Annie and I have never been so quick to swipe right. "Have you heard?"
"That mom and Jess are setting you up for a glamorous job in Nakuru? No, I have not heard it from you.”
Shit,how do I get out of this mess?Annie will side with mom that's for sure.
"I am sorry I didn't tell you about it. Scold me about it later, have you talked to dad or Alex?"I ask impatiently.
" No, why? Is there something I should know?"There is a hint of concern creeping in her tone.
"Well, it's about Karen. I strongly advise that you take a deep breath first. I must admit this is fun, making Annie wait. You can count on Annie and Shirley to react accordingly to news regardless of the time of the day. Whatever the reaction you are expecting, they never disappoint
"She is flying to Kenya with dad? That's not news." This reminds me that early this year, dad mentioned that they could spend one weekend of summer in Kenya. He has a few old friends in Zanzibar and might want us to tag along.
"I had forgotten about that. I don't think they will though, pregnant women don't like travel. " It takes Anne about five seconds to fully process the news.
"Wait, Karen is pregnant?"
"Yes. I am surprised dad hasn't told you."
"Maybe he doesn't want to overwhelm me too soon. I have a wedding to plan and a mother in law to visit next weekend."
"I could accompany you for moral support," I jokingly suggest.
"Back to Karen. Let's get this straight, so she is pregnant and is even in a duller mood? Wow. How is your twin brother holding up?"
"Apparently they have become bffs. She is helping him with college application
s. You recall that her rich parents influenced her admission to Yale, right?"
Wait, what? Has someone taken over her body? She wouldn't even show me the guestroom herself the last time we visited. I could swear..."
I don't get to hear the rest of the statement. I try to call her back but she is offline. I figure she forgot to charge her phone. So typical of Annie.I shower, put an oversized T-Shirt and microwave popcorn. I watch a preview of Tera Nova and decide I am not too sleepy to watch a few episodes.
***
I am on a call with Shirley on Wednesday evening when she asks me about Christian that I recall that he has been offline for four days in a row . "He ghosted me. We have been talking for three weeks then suddenly he is offline. I would like to think that I dodged a bullet.”
"Haha. What happened? You should have sent me screenshots of your conversations we over analyze together."
"Helpful. The thing is, he just went offline you know, not like just leaving me on read and stuff. Its either something happened bad happened to him or he realized I aint shit and he would be better of fake flirting with actual rich girls". I tend to believe the later is a huge possibility. I mean I did tell the man I am unemployed and my parents are not so amused with my decisions right now.
"You say I dont see people for who they are but I dont think his intentions were to the extreme," Shirley rushes to say. "The poor guy did not remarry so he must be really lonely and online dating happens to be the go to these days."
"Whatever. Have you heard from Eddie?"
"He has been trying to reach me but I blocked him. I have not replied to a single one of his texts."
"Good." I know this must be hard for her to not communicate with Eddie.
"Katie, I think I should meet him one last time for closure. For the both of us. I have not stopped thinking about him.”
"Closure is overrated. If you meet him when you are still heartbroken, you would be back to where you started. The effort you made in the last few weeks would be all for nothing."
