by C. R. Jane
“Jensen, it’s all going to be okay,” I whisper, knowing that we’re both letting our lust prevent us from saying all the other things we should be talking about in this moment laced with all the pain of our broken lives. My heart can’t help but thunder in my chest as he brushes a kiss against my lips. It can’t help but explode when he groans my name.
“It doesn’t make sense that an angel like you would want someone like me,” he says in a pained voice as he strokes his tongue in my mouth once again as he devours my mouth.
I pull away. “Who wants a love that makes sense anyway?” I whisper back. I’m rewarded with a smile that seems to light up the whole night sky as it streams in through the moonroof that’s open above us.
We don’t say anything else that we should for the rest of the night. We let our hands and lips do the talking even if we never cross that line that I desperately want. By the time the sun hits the horizon, I’ve forgotten the reason why I’d ended up in Jensen’s car that night in the first place.
13
Now
I’m always on the lookout for Gentry. I imagine that I see him in every crowd, that he’s hiding in every shadow. I feel like a fraction of myself, more like the scared, abused wife than the woman I thought I was becoming. That’s the thing about fear, it comes at you when you least expect it and all you can do is try to get through it to the other side.
Tanner comes up beside me on the bus. I bring my hand to his hair, and push it away from his forehead. "Tanner with longer hair is my favorite," I say, dragging my nails down the side of his scalp. His other hand grabs my wandering one and he pulls it to his lips, placing the softest kiss on my knuckles.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks as he sits down and pulls out the control system so we can pick a movie.
“Just wondering what he’s planning next,” I reluctantly admit. The guys have probably gotten sick of the fact that I seem to live in my daydreams now a days.
Tanner brushes a kiss along my hairline. “When…” he trails away, his eyes glued to something outside the window. “Fuck.”
“What?” I ask, afraid to turn around.
“It’s Miranda,” he says through gritted teeth. She seems to be hovering around even more the last few stops. After Boston we had gone to Cleveland and Lansing and now, we were in the parking lot of the stadium in Indianapolis where the Colts play. It had been a lot of driving over the last few days with not a lot of rest in between. Maybe I should have been resting, but when I was keeping an eye out for Gentry, that wasn’t really very possible.
Tanner runs a hand through his hair to try and tame it. He tucks my hair behind my ears and kisses me softly, probably not even realizing what he was doing since taking care of me seemed to be second nature to all of them.
The hunger that had been missing over the past week all of a sudden roars back to life and my hands reach to clutch him to me. Tanner loosens my grip and shakes his head apologetically.
“Hellooo,” she calls out in a breezy voice that I’m not accustomed to. My eyes flash to the door of the bus which has just opened to let Miranda in. A second later she appears, looking immaculate as always in sky high heels and a tight pencil skirt. Her eyes light up when she sees Tanner, giving me an uncomfortable feeling as that look has started to appear more frequently. And despite her attractiveness, she was at least twenty years older than him. And he wasn’t into cougars. I could attest to that.
“Ariana, so glad you’re here,” she coos, and Tanner and I both look at her as if she’s out of her mind. The last thing Miranda usually thinks is that she’s glad that I’m here.
“The opening act for tonight had to pull out due to their lead singer’s illness and the label thought it would be wonderful if Ariana were to fill in for them tonight.” She claps her hands giddily as if she’s an excited teenager presented with her first car.
Despite the fact that it’s Miranda presenting the idea, a thrill of excitement rises up inside of me at the thought of performing on stage again. I hadn’t sung in front of anyone but the guys since that first performance since they thought that bringing me on stage again would be too much of a risk with Gentry following me. Of course, I hadn’t known that Gentry was following me. So, for the past month it had just felt like they had thought I did terrible since they didn’t want a repeat performance.
I open my mouth to respond, but Jensen storms into the lounge area. “Absolutely not,” he snaps. “We haven’t heard from Gentry since the hotel incident and we have no idea where he is. It’s not safe.”
My heart sinks even though I know he’s right. Miranda looks like Jensen just killed her cat. Which is strange since I’ve never gotten the impression that Miranda thinks I’m particularly talented.
“It would be an excellent opportunity for Ari to start making a name for herself,” she says and I’m even more suspicious by her use of my nickname.
“I’d better not,” I finally say, even though the decision has already been made for me.
I try not to resent the increased overbearing nature of my three guys, but it’s hard not to. All I want is to feel like an equal partner in my relationship with them. But that’s hard to do when they’re making all the decisions for my life, often without informing me of their decisions until after the fact.
Miranda leaves in a huff muttering about what a waste of space I am, as if it’s my fault that I can’t perform tonight.
Tanner turns the movie back on that we had been watching before Miranda arrived, and Jensen leaves the room to finish working out.
As I sit next to Tanner, in the same bus as all of the guys, I realize that somehow, I’ve become incredibly lonely. This wasn’t what I pictured when I thought about what it would be like to tour the world together.
This can’t continue.
The guys are doing sound check while I sit on a couch in the greenroom, surrounded by security. I didn’t feel like watching them even though I usually never miss a chance to watch them sing, soundcheck or not.
“Ariana,” says a voice. I look up and see Clark, the band’s agent. He hasn’t been with us for most of the tour since he has a roster of other superstar clients he has to keep in line along with the band.
“How have you been?” he asks, sitting next to me.
“Fine,” I reply with a tight smile, unable to muster the proper enthusiasm I’m sure a rockstar’s girlfriend is supposed to have.
“I haven’t heard that you’ve performed recently?” he asks.
“It just hasn’t worked out,” I tell him vaguely, not sure how much he knows about the current situation.
“I’ve been talking to some of my colleagues about you,” he says. “I got ahold of some tape of you singing that night and they’ve been very impressed. The label would love for you to come in and talk to them.” My eyes widen and my heart starts beating faster.
“Really?” I ask.
“Yes really,” he says with a laugh.
“I would love to do that,” I gush, realizing how naive I sound.
Clark’s eyes light up and I swear that I see dollar signs in them. “I think you could be the next big thing,” he says. He sounds so sincere. I want to believe that he has good intentions with this.
“Clark.” Jesse says as he walks towards me. Jensen and Tanner follow behind him, their eyes locked on their agent’s face. “What are you doing here?” Jesse asks. And the way he asks it comes out more like a threat than anything else.
Clark shifts in his seat uncomfortably. “I was just talking to Ari about some potential opportunities she has in front of her. The label execs have asked for me to arrange a meeting after seeing her tape of when she performed with you.”
“Fuck,” Tanner mutters, and my eyes flutter in shock. Why would they think that’s a bad thing? Haven’t they told me how talented they think I am? How exactly am I supposed to get my start if I never take advantage of any opportunities I have.
“Now’s not a good time,” says Jesse, and
my heart sinks even lower. When I see that Jensen’s about to open his mouth, I quickly jump in. “Set up the meeting,” I tell Clark, in a tone that I hope leaves no room for argument.
Clark jumps up, obviously wanting to have my answer be the last word in the conversation. “I’ll set that up for the band’s next break,” he says with a crinkle eyed grin. He hustles away before anyone can say anything else.
Jensen grabs my arm and pulls me off the couch towards his dressing room. Tanner and Jesse follow grimly behind.
As soon as the door closes, they start in. “I thought we agreed you would wait. We can set you up with any label you want after this Gentry thing is figured out,” says Tanner, pushing an exasperated hand through his hair.
“I want this,” I snap, causing all of their eyebrows to raise at my tone. “He’s not asking me as a favor to you, he knows you don’t want it. He’s asking me because he thinks I have talent.”
“He’s asking you because you’re the hottest fucking woman he’s ever seen,” snaps Jensen.
Tears spring up in my eyes at his comment. He immediately looks like he wishes he could take his comment back, and Jesse and Tanner both look like they’re going to kill him. But I don’t care. “Is that what you really think? That he couldn’t possibly think that I’m talented, it must be related to him doing you a favor or my looks?” I ask.
His mouth moves but nothing comes out. We stare at each other for what seems like an eternity. “I’m going to wait in the greenroom. Good luck tonight,” I whisper in a choked voice as I walk out the door.
To make my night even better, Cassidy is in the greenroom, her lips and hands all over one of the stage crew. Maybe she can just have Jensen, I think childishly, before I laugh at my ridiculousness. I will probably jump her if she even lays a hand on Jensen tonight. I’m too close to the edge to deal with groupies on top of everything else.
I nod at one of my security team and leave the room with him following close behind. I’m not going to watch the show tonight. I’m going back to the bus.
In what can only be minutes after the show ended, Jensen comes running onto the bus looking deliciously rumpled from sweating his ass off for hours performing.
“You didn’t watch us,” he says. “The show sucked.”
“I doubt that,” I say stiffly.
“It did. Tanner forgot song lyrics the whole time and I played the wrong chord for an entire song without realizing it. Jesse even tripped over one of the chords and fell on stage.”
“Seriously?” I ask, figuring he must be joking.
“Seriously,” he says, walking over to me and sinking to his knees in front of me in a moment that seems to reverberate from the past. “I’m sorry for being an ass,” he says mournfully.
“You basically told me I have no talent,” I whisper. “It’s like when you laughed at me in high school when I told you my dream of being a singer. I don’t think you’ll ever believe in me. And maybe that’s a sign that I don’t have what it takes,” I muse, staring off at the wall in front of me.
“Fuck, that’s not true. I just...I just was jealous, ok?” he spits out. I look at him confused. “Jealous of Clark? I thought we were past that?” I tell him.
He laughs bitterly. “I wish it was just jealousy of Clark. It’s jealousy of everyone. Everyone that is going to see all the pieces that make you who you are. A world is going to fall in love with you. And there’s a good chance that you decide that there’s something better for you out there. I mean hell, Ari. Who really ends up with their high school sweethearts anymore? I just know that as soon as you’re out there, we’ll be done. It’s one thing to come back to us after you’ve had an abusive asshole for a husband, it’s quite another to stay with us after you see all the options you really have.”
He lays his head in my lap after his impassioned speech and I idly stroke his hair as I ponder his words. “There isn’t any one on earth that I could love more than the three of you. Don’t you get it? It’s our past that makes it that way. There’s no one else that could ever really know me like you do.”
“I don’t know everything about you,” he says, lifting his head to look me in the eyes. I’m about to respond when Jesse and Tanner storm onto the bus.
Afterwards there’s a lot of kissing, a lot of crying on my part, and a lot of forgiveness that occurs. It’s all followed by ice cream, more kissing, and late-night movies with the three of them.
I fall asleep in Jensen’s lap, relaxed and happy for the first time in a while. In that moment I realize how far we still have to go for our happy ever after. But I can’t wait to get there.
14
Now
I’m standing on the side of the stage, watching the show, when firecrackers startle me. The loud, incessant pop bites into the air over and over again. I look around, confused. We aren’t to the part of the show where fireworks go off yet. Some idiot must be outside still tailgating and decided to start the celebration early and is setting them off close to the stadium.
I try to relax back into the music and turn my attention back to the guys. All of a sudden they—bang, bang, BOOM. My whole-body jerks from the enormous explosion. What the hell was that? Swarms of people in the pit start to scream and push, seeking an exit in an unobstructed configuration so they’re moving in every direction.
More fireworks—bang, bang, bang—ending with another explosion.
“Ari!” I hear and it’s Jensen calling for me. I see the band’s personal security team rush out onto the stage to collect the guys. They’re fighting against them as they get dragged the opposite direction from where I’m standing.
There’s a rush of stage crew and activity around me as everyone backstage panics as well, and somehow my security team has disappeared. Someone knocks me on the shoulder, causing me to fall to the ground. I hear my name called again but this time I don’t look to see where the guys are. Because I see him.
Gentry is standing across the room from me, staring at me with those watery, pale blue eyes I detest so much. He looks satisfied, just like he always did when his fun was about to start, and he had me exactly where he wanted me. I leap to my feet, ready to run away. Screams are echoing in my ears as people continue to panic around us.
But it’s like no one else sees him. It’s like the two of us are in this alternate world in the midst of everyone else. I freeze when he pulls out a gun. And then I come to my senses and turn to run. Where...I’m not sure. But everything inside of me is telling me to run and hide and wait for the guys to find me. I just couldn’t let Gentry get to me.
“Ari,” calls Gentry in a sing song voice. Twirling, I look to see where he is, but he’s disappeared from where he was standing.
Then, suddenly I see him off to the side of me.
Time slows. I’m living in an alternate reality watching, paralyzed, when Gentry raises his arm and fires two bullets in quick succession into a hapless crew member who happens to cross his path at that moment. I scream as I watch him fall to the ground in an unmoving heap.
But I have little time to process events. Gentry’s sure steps are leading directly toward me. Stopping dead in my tracks, a deer in headlights, I’m mesmerized by him. His low baseball cap is pulled around his eyes, but I can see them. They’ve taken on the red hue of the stage lights still shining behind me. Intent on his target, he plows through the confusion. People rush in every direction, and I’m pushed toward him in their haste to escape. Stopping not ten feet away, a corner of his mouth lifts in a snarl.
“Hello, wife,” he says, but I don’t hear it. I read the words as his lips move in slow motion. I’m transported back to every time he lifted his hand to hit me, or kicked me, or knocked me out. I remain silent and staring when he lifts his gun. Holding up my hands in weak defense I turn to run and just as I do, two things happen. BOOM! A crack so loud my ears ring and then the force of it hits me. It’s a hot pain that’s so painful that I can’t breathe. My whole chest feels like it’s burning. I faintly noti
ce Gentry walking away, no one bothering to stop him in the panic of the moment.
Warm hands suddenly descend upon me and one whispered word has love gripping my heart despite the chill that is starting to descend upon my whole body.
“Ari.” The stage lights must go out because the darkness of night descends around us. I feel Jensen come up next to where I’m lying. I move into his body heat, drawing him down in comfort as my breath becomes labored. I’m struck by the sheer terror glazing over his eyes. Dropping his head into the crook of my neck, a small wheeze sharpens the air and heat passes between us. Soft and flowing, a stream runs through, coating my T-shirt and his, gluing us together.
My heart beat slows. My lungs stop aching. Gentry had done it. He had finally killed me. After everything he’d done to me, this was just it…I would be gone.
I was free.
That’s when I blacked out.
15
Now
(Jensen)
Each beep punctuates the air with sound, hitting the center of my chest with the knowledge that each beep meant she was still alive. But those beeps were providing more than life for her. Each one enabled me to hold onto my sanity a little bit longer. Her hand was cold and clammy, in mine. Her skin was paler than it would normally be. We had planned on flying her to the Bahamas on our next break. We were going to spend hours by the pool at the resort Jesse had booked to give us a break from the bus. Her skin was going to have that perfect golden glow that only she was capable of.
We weren’t going to get the chance to do that now. Her skin was so pale, I could make out the veins that ran from her hands to her elbows, disappearing underneath the hospital gown she wore. I bring her wrist to my mouth and place a kiss on the underside, right on top of the veins that ran from her hand up through her body. After pulling away, I press a thumb to her pulse, taking comfort in feeling its beat against my skin. I drop my head, cradling it in her hand as I breathe deeply. She smells different. That unique Ari smell was missing, replaced by the artificial smells of the hospital. She smells sterile. I hate it. Evidently the lack of smell is the thing that finally makes my chest tighten, makes my throat close up, makes me break. I could have lost her. I still can. A knock sounds on the door behind me.
