Twenty: Davin
It was the Tuesday after the unfortunate backstory reveal – “Although Gran will be utterly thrilled.” – and I’d stooped to spending my time in the Common Room at breaks under the guise of spending time with Avery. But I was perfectly fine when she flitted about happily and left me to my computer or my book.
I watched Avery laughing with a few people who, while I assure you they’ve been floating around in the background this whole time, have actually not been named, and I couldn’t stop my mind mulling everything over. I told myself it was all research for helping her with confrontations, but it wasn’t that at all.
I’d been thinking about what she’d said over the weekend, about how I was worth something to her. The fact she’d delivered her… Calling it a speech seemed a gross insult to speeches everywhere. But whatever she thought it was, she’d delivered it so haltingly and awkwardly that I was sure she’d meant every ill- conveyed word.
“I honestly can’t tell you how I feel about that.”
Because I wasn’t sure what to do with it. I wasn’t kidding myself that Avery could ever fall in love with me. And for that I was glad. I had no interest in being loved or being in love. Love was a fairy-tale after all. Something shoved down our throats to supposedly make life easier to get through.
But it didn’t make life easier to get through.
Because by all accounts, my parents had been madly in love and it hadn’t helped anything. She’d still taken her own life and clearly been so worried about sheltering me from the pain of life that she wanted to put me out of my misery before I realised I was miserable.
No. This ‘love’ business was simply meant to cause a distraction. But I didn’t need the complications that came with that sort of distraction. Especially not with Avery, who quite clearly bought into the wide-eyed Disney version of love. And it suited her. If she wanted it, she deserved it.
“I’m a cantankerous bastard, but I couldn’t bear it if I was the one who took that away from her.”
I watched as Avery bounded up to Molly and Krista who were talking to three other girls about I didn’t even know what because I had normal human hearing and was lucky to hear what someone said three feet away from me. The fact I had my headphones on as well had nothing to do with it.
Molly and Krista had endeared themselves to me the same way a vaguely amusing niece or nephew is thoroughly adorable while they’re misbehaving for their parents for about the first hour, then you’re over it and ready to take your whiskey to a quiet corner and wonder why you bother attending those dysfunctional family functions anyway.
They did treat Avery better than most people though. When they weren’t being drawn into the overly excitable trap of high school cliques. Case in point, Avery had tried saying something to the girls after Krista asked her a question and it was all going well until one of those as yet unnamed people dismissed the idea with a disbelieving grimace and then everyone was jumping on the walk all over Avery bandwagon.
How do I know what happened?
“Plot furtherance,” I remind you with a wink.
Meanwhile Avery laughed, nodded and waved it all off. As she started to move away, Molly caught up with her and followed her over to where Blair was. And like that, the slight cloud that had been almost invisibly hanging over Avery was dashed away in a puff of giggles and frivolous interest in whatever was on Blair’s phone.
Now was usually the time of break when I caught Miles watching Avery.
And I say caught but, “It’s not like he’s really trying to hide it.” Oddly.
And this fair Tuesday in Week Two was no different. I rubbed my chin, realising it was a little scratchy even for me, and passed a glance between Miles and Avery.
I didn’t think she’d noticed. Honestly I think she was far too busy to notice. But I was the kind of person who’d sit and people-watch with no qualms about looking like I was judging the lot of them. Which meant I noticed quite a few of the things that went on at our school. One of them being that Miles had a propensity to eye off my girlfriend. I just didn’t know if he was missing what he’d foolishly thrown away or if there was something else going through his mind.
I went back to my book for a while, then felt a kiss on either cheek and looked up hurriedly to find Avery taking a picture of me. Molly was standing on one side of me and Blair on the other. I raised an eyebrow at Avery as I dragged my headphones off.
“How quaint,” I told her, being in no risk of deflating that smile.
She laughed and I didn’t dislike it at all. “It’s a keeper.”
I kicked my chin at her. “I’ll bet.”
“Come on. Bell’s rung.”
I looked around and saw that people were indeed packing up their bags and heading out. I slid off the desk and slung my bag over my shoulder, getting ready for another two hours of tedium. I didn’t even have Avery in my next double to ameliorate some of that tedium. So I spent that hour-forty wondering how in the hell to help Avery avoid yet another situation like the one at Recess.
When I got to Home Group, there she was as always, smiling and sitting eagerly in her seat. Mr Boyle did the roll, gave us the announcements and then we were free to go to lunch which is where we were when it happened.
“I put it to you that you let people walk all over yourself because you don’t believe you deserve respect.”
There. I just came out and said it.
It was a theory I’d been working on since the first night she came to my place and I’d asked her about why she let people take advantage of her and she’d responded ‘what about me?’ That had been all I’d needed to begin forming the hypothesis. My assessment of her problem with confrontations had strengthened it. I’d spent the last two hours perfecting it. And now it was fully formed and out in the world.
It was up to her to decide what to do with it.
What she did with it was blink at me in the way I knew a frown was coming. “What? In what way do I think I don’t deserve respect?”
I’d poked the dragon, tiny and seemingly harmless as it was, and there was no going back. I was just going to have to hope I got out of it without anything catching fire. “In the way you put everyone else’s needs before your own. If you think it will upset someone to stand up for yourself, you don’t.”
She crossed her arms. “Give several examples.”
“We’ll start with the biggest first.” I knew by the look on her face as I paused that she knew what was coming. “Miles.”
“No. That was…”
“That was what?” I pressed when she didn’t continue.
“Who knew ‘hooking up’ could mean sex?” she huffed.
“Um…literally everyone else.”
Her eyes widened. “Ohmigod, I am too good aren’t I?”
I shrugged and was almost apologetic. “You said it, not me.”
She pouted at me and gave a little huff. “Okay. Look, I know I shouldn’t have let him get away with even just a kiss.”
“Yes. But knowing you deserved to treat yourself better and using it as a lesson to actually treat yourself better are two very different things. You knew when he dumped you that you should have dealt with his cheating arse the moment you found out. But that doesn’t change the fact that you’re still wandering around like your feelings matter less than everyone else’s.”
She was surprised and I didn’t blame her. I sounded utterly indignant and all on her behalf. For someone who professed to be proficient in not giving a fuck, I certainly wasn’t walking the walk just then.
“So what’s your brilliant lesson then, professor?” she sassed.
“You’ve just got to be…” I grunted in annoyance. “It’s not even less nice,” I tell you. “You don’t even need to be less nice, all right? I mean, you know there’s a difference between being a total bitch and letting someone know their behaviour isn’t okay, right?”
“Davin, I don’t like…arguin
g with people.”
“For someone who doesn’t like arguing, you’re sure not hesitant to go at it with me.”
“You don’t count.”
Oh. Didn’t I? “Really? Why not?”
“Because…” She stopped and looked at me uncertainly.
“No. Go on. I’m dying to hear this.” I wasn’t. Obviously. But I think we’ve long-since established that using words figuratively leant rather nicely to sarcasm.
She dropped her gaze to her hands that fiddled in front of her. “Because I’m not worried that you won’t like me!” she snapped, then as though she’d just realised that she’d essentially made my point for me said quieter, “Okay?”
I scoffed. “Avery, it’s not like I don’t like you.”
“No. I mean… Yes. To start with it was because I knew you didn’t like me, so what did it matter? I wasn’t losing anything. But…”
This was the conversation we’d barely started at Grill’d and I wanted to know how it ended. “But what?”
“Well it’s not like you could hate me any more than you already did. So regardless of how much you do like me, I can tell myself I’m still not losing anything. Because however much you do like me now happened while I was being…this Avery.”
“As opposed to that Avery,” I said softly and she nodded. Any difference between this Avery and that Avery was subtle in my eyes to be honest, but she didn’t want to hear that. So instead I pulled her to me and wrapped her up in my arms. “Baby…” I sighed. “Anyone who dislikes you for reminding them you deserve respect isn’t worth the loss.”
“It’s easy for you to say that,” she mumbled, the words nearly being lost in my shirt.
“Why? Because I don’t have anyone to lose?” I asked, my tone hardening without my intention.
She pulled away, her face showing how utterly displeased she was with me. “Well because you won’t accept you have people to lose. Without that it amounts to the same.”
I didn’t have to stand around and have her analyse me. This whole thing was about her character arc, not mine. I wasn’t having a character arc. I wasn’t doing character development. I refused.
I felt my nose scrunch in resentment, but I couldn’t open my mouth for some reason. She needed more confrontation experience, but it wasn’t supposed to be with me. And it wasn’t going to be with me. Certainly not in the school hallway.
I huffed at her, turned and stormed off. I was too angry even for my mind to come up with retorts. My heart pounded and I wanted to hit something.
Just because Avery knew about my mum didn’t mean she had the right to think she knew who I was. She was just…
Fuck.
She was just trying to show me she cared.
I’d fucked up again.
I was too proud to turn around and argue with her in the hallway but there was no reason for her to follow me when I was in a mood. So what else was I going to do except storm angrily and dramatically through the few remaining students in the hallways until I got to my usual meeting room and threw my bag on the floor, heedless that I might have just broken my computer.
“Fuck!”
I whirled around to see Avery hovering in the doorway like she wasn’t sure if she should come in or not. I’d been freaking out that she had no reason to follow me and yet there she was.
Seeing her, I was pissed off, I was surprised, I was grateful, I was relieved, I was wary. And I was sick of the havoc these conflicting emotional reactions were playing on my life.
“Davin–”
I felt my brows furrow. “What would you know about who I have to lose, anyway?” I spat because I couldn’t deal with the rush of emotions flooding me.
She frowned, not intimidated by me in the slightest. “You’ve got your dad and your gran–”
I huffed humourlessly. “Two people obligated by familial bonds to feel affection for me.”
“Well I’d include me, but you’ve made your disdain for anything resembling earnest emotions painfully obvious!” she yelled and I was glad we’d conveniently found ourselves in a meeting room.
As she stepped into the room, she slammed the door closed behind her and I could only blink at her in surprise for a moment.
She’d actually yelled at me. Not once had she yelled at me. Ever. In all the time I’d spent being purposefully difficult, she’d never once yelled at me, never once been authentically angry with me. Exasperated plenty. Unwittingly amused definitely. But not proper angry.
“Avery…” I said slowly.
“Don’t you ‘Avery’ me, Davin Ambrose!” she snapped, pointing her finger at me. Then she walked closer and hissed as though she hoped people weren’t listening even though there was no one to listen now, “You want me to stand up for myself? Consider this me standing up for myself. You want to pretend people don’t care about you? Go ahead. But pretending something’s true doesn’t make it so.”
“I meant stand up for yourself with other people,” I shot back.
Determination shone in her eyes. “No one else is currently disrespecting me.”
“Technically I think this counts as me disrespecting myself,” I commented dryly.
She huffed. “Well at least that’s one lesson you don’t need to impart! Apparently I do that plenty well on my own.”
I sighed, her blatant criticism of herself enough to kick me out of my blinkered fury. “Fine. If I admit I have people to lose, will you admit your feelings are as valid as anyone else’s?”
She opened her mouth, uncertainty marring her features for a moment. I wasn’t sure if she was hesitant to admit it or because I’d just done a total one-eighty and we all knew it.
“Avery you know this in theory.” I hoped.
“Yes,” she replied defensively. “The theory is easy to grasp. But even Communism works in theory,” she muttered.
I shoved away the weird warmth that threatened to blossom in my chest. “Then it can’t be all that difficult to believe.”
“I’ll admit it if you do.”
I blinked. “Excuse me? I’m already admitting something.”
“Two things.” She nodded and crossed her arms again. “I’ll admit – and put into practise – the theory that my feelings are as important as anyone else’s if you do as well.”
“I’m not following.”
“For someone so smart, you sure can be dumb sometimes.”
“Enlighten me.” I frowned.
“You’re constantly telling me to keep my feelings to myself. That’s not exactly positive reinforcement that they’re important now, is it?”
Well she had me there. That was a thing I did.
“How important is it that she admit it?” I ask, thinking it through.
Was it worth me risking a deluge of feelings and emotions? Was it worth me risking my own feelings and emotions? For that to happen, I’d have to acknowledge I had them. Except there was already something about Avery that made me contemplate considering the notion. How was I going to refrain if she was there with all her emotions on her sleeve, stirring up things in me I thought long dead?
“Well?” she asked impatiently.
“Fine!” I snapped. “Yes. I do think your feelings are important and the only reason I want you to keep them away from me is because I’ve spent years forgetting what they’re like,” I said to her quietly.
Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped into that perfect little ‘o’, but I ignored any and all thoughts inappropriate for the current circumstance.
“Davin…” she said, her hand reaching up to cup my cheek, but I grunted in annoyance.
“What is it about you that makes me even think these things?” I wondered.
I was just at that moment feeling a feeling. I was feeling fucking pissed off again. How dare Avery St John barge into my life and make me feel things. How dare she make me wonder if it was possible to keep a little light in my life even after she decided I’d been a mist
ake for long enough. How dare she have me considering I was even worth it. How dare she have me looking at her and questioning the way I’d shut myself off from the world.
And for the love of all that was holy, what was it about her that had me blurting out quite possibly the most vulnerable parts of me when we argued? I wasn’t used to being vulnerable. But this was at least the third time that Avery had me saying something I’d never intended to tell anyone.
“I’ll make you a deal?” When I didn’t look at her, she paused, then continued, “I’ll still keep my feelings to myself and accept that they’re just as important as anyone else’s. Okay?”
Some of the muscles in my face twitched and I wasn’t sure whether a part of me was trying to say something the rest of me didn’t want to say or it wasn’t used to making a third expression – “neutral and bored are both expressions, yes?”
“You don’t have to do that,” was all I could bring myself to say to her.
“No. I don’t. But I don’t want to make you any more uncomfortable than I do already.”
I looked down at her, about to argue with her, but paused when I saw the rueful smile on her face.
“At least not yet.”
I knew this time what the facial twitch meant. It was the definite, intentional suppression of a smile. “Look forward to it.”
She put her arms around my shoulders. “Excellent.”
I cleared my throat and heard myself say, “Speaking of things to look forward to…” What the fuck was I doing? “I wondered if you might want to meet Gran sometime?”
I hadn’t looked at her. Mainly because I couldn’t believe I’d just asked her that – why was I asking her if she wanted to meet my grandmother? I’d had this discussion with myself. The two of them were going to be completely enamoured with each other. But then the mistake would be ended and Avery would move on and Gran would be left heartbroken.
Just Gran.
Not me.
But I also didn’t want to look at her because there was this negligible piece of me that didn’t want to see her reaction.
Being Not Good Page 22
