How would you describe your ideal Nurturer?
The next time you are in need of comfort, call upon your Nurturer for help. This will serve as a reminder to you that your self-care must become a priority, and that you deserve to be treated with care, compassion, and love.
FURTHER RESOURCES
Allan, Patrick. “How to Snap Back to Reality When ‘Escapism’ Becomes ‘Avoidance’.” LifeHacker.com. August 10, 2015. Accessed November 30, 2016. http://lifehacker.com/how-to-snap-back-to-reality-when-escapism-becomes-av-1723091630.
Amunrud, Kate. “How to Cut Back on Social Media Clutter.” Kory Woodard. May 21, 2015. Accessed November 30, 2016. http://korywoodard.com/2015/05/how-to-cut-back-on-social-media-clutter/.
Finch, Sam Dylan. “6 Ways to Stand Up to Toxic Media Messages and Love Yourself as a Trans Person.” Everyday Feminism. February 4, 2015. Accessed November 30, 2016. http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/02/love-yourself-as-trans-person/.
20 J. R. R. Tolkein, The Fellowship of the Ring, (New York: Ballantine Books, 1965).
21 Collins, 2009.
22 Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction, (United States: Miramax, 1995), film.
23 TRANSforming Gender Conference, (Center for Community, Boulder, CO, March 13–14, 2015).
Chapter 4
Building Your Support Team
Although it can sometimes come across as cliché, there’s a good reason why we often see the main character of a story assemble a team to assist them in fulfilling their quest. This approach to problem solving involves bringing several folks together, each with unique roles and contributions critical to fulfillment of the mission. Assembling such a team is something that can be done in real life as well—you will learn how to do so in this chapter.
Finding a Mentor
In many stories, the main character has a Mentor who they can turn to for guidance, support, and encouragement. This archetype (a type of character which has appeared frequently over time) has appeared in storytelling for centuries, and can be found in our everyday lives.
All mentors have certain qualities in common and, at the same time, are unique from one another. Take a look at these mentors and how, in personality and practice, they are both similar and different in the ways they assist the main character(s) of a story:
Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda (Star Wars)24
Gandalf and Galadriel (The Lord of the Rings)25
Haymitch (The Hunger Games)26
Mr. Miyagi (The Karate Kid)27
Dumbledore (Harry Potter)28
Professor Charles Xavier and Storm (X-Men)29
Morpheus and the Oracle (The Matrix)30
Rupert Giles (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)31
Dr. Miranda Bailey (Grey’s Anatomy)32
Tyler Durden (Fight Club)33
If you are familiar with any of these examples, you’ll know that mentors aren’t perfect or without their own struggles. However, they do carry about them a certain air of wisdom. They’ve been on adventures of their own and have returned with advice and knowledge to pass on to others.
There are two different types of mentors you can seek out in real life:
A Hands-On Mentor: This is someone you will interact with on a regular basis.
A Hands-Off Mentor: This is someone you don’t know personally, but they have made their wisdom available for you, and others, to acquire.
FINDING A HANDS-ON MENTOR
A hands-on Mentor can be someone you meet with in person. Thanks to the Internet, this can also be someone you interact with through email, chat, social media, or a service like Skype.
A hands-on Mentor can help you on your journey by:
• Sharing resources that provide additional support and encouragement.
• Sharing resources related to transitioning (if you end up needing them).
• Sharing stories of challenges they encountered and how they got through them.
• Sharing stories of their successes and what they did to make them happen.
• Sharing their fears and helping to normalize the ones you are having.
• Offering advice (when asked for it).
• Challenging you to step out of your comfort zone.
How to Find a Hands-On Mentor
Place a checkmark next to any of the following suggestions you can see yourself following up on.
Conduct a search for Pride Centers in your state or country to see if they have resources for support groups where you can find a mentor.
Conduct a search for Gender Identity Centers in your state or country to see if they have support groups where you can find a mentor.
Use your favorite social media outlets to reach out to individuals you admire.
Seek out message boards that relate to your specific gender identity questions and pay attention to who offers advice and guidance on the boards. Reach out to them either individually or on the message board itself.
Seek out blogs that speak to you and send a message to the blogger to see if they’d be interested in mentoring you.
Seek out video blogs that speak to you and send a message to the blogger to see if they’d be interested in mentoring you.
Find a therapist in your area you can work with (try to find one who has experience working with transgender, nonbinary, gender diverse, and gender questioning individuals). Keep in mind that a therapist will have strict boundaries in place when it comes to the relationship that will limit the type and frequency of interaction you have with them.
Seek out establishments in your area where you have a higher chance of encountering persons who can relate to what you are going through.
Ask around (either in person or online) to see if anyone knows of a person who could provide mentorship to you.
How to Approach a Possible Hands-On Mentor
• Be assertive during your search: This will be hard for some of you who have a more reserved disposition. There are always exceptions to the rule, but in most cases a Mentor isn’t going to seek you out. You will need to put yourself out there and make your needs known.
• Be clear during your search: Have in mind what it is you hope a Mentor can help you with, and make this clear when you begin to contact potential mentors.
• Be patient in your search: You may get turned down several times before you find the right mentor, but don’t give up. Just like any other relationship, it can take time to find one that really works for you.
• Be willing to offer something in return: Although the hope would be you could find someone to offer mentorship at no cost, it’s a good idea from the start to offer something in return. In some cases this will be money, but you could also provide compensation in creative ways as well. Offer to take them to coffee or a meal, or to share a service that you are skilled at, such as tech, graphic design, home maintenance, house cleaning, or accounting. Letting them know that you value their time and that you are willing to pay for their service can increase the chances of them saying “Yes.”
• Be respectful of their time: If someone is doing this for you at no monetary cost, be sure to have a discussion from the start to set boundaries around how often you will be in communication with each other. Create a contract if need be that you both can sign, even if it’s informal. This will prevent your Mentor from burning out and keeps you with a mentor.
• Remember, they are only human: If your Mentor hasn’t been trained how to provide mentorship, you’ll need to cut them some slack. They might not always have the right answer for you. They might get irritable or impatient at times (see the list of fictional mentors for proof of that) or go through a period where they need to take a break. The more understanding you show, the more likely they’ll stick with you for the long haul.
Use this section to keep track of whom you would like to seek out as a hands-on mentor. Take note of when you attempted to contact them as well as your thoughts as to whether or not they are someone you desire to have as your mentor.
FINDING A HANDS-OFF MENTOR
A hands-off Mentor is someone you won’t be interacting with on an individual or personal basis (unless, of course, you are lucky enough to meet them at a conference or convention).
There are several benefits to finding a hands-off mentor, as opposed to having an in-person one:
• If you are a more independent type of person, studying the ways of others can give you the mentor’s wisdom while not actually having to engage with someone.
• Since you are learning from your Mentor through self-study, it’s completely on your schedule—you won’t have to wait for someone else to respond to you when you need them.
• If you live in an isolated area where you aren’t able to connect with a hands-on Mentor in person, you can always find hands-off mentors through books, blogs, videos, etc.
• For those who are especially uncomfortable with interpersonal communication, it eases you into the world of others who can relate to what you are going through without having to interact with them.
• There’s none of the awkwardness or potential letdown that can come from negotiating boundaries, communication mishaps, drama, etc.
• You can have as many hands-off mentors as you want.
How to Find a Hands-Off Mentor
Place a checkmark next to any of the following suggestions you can see yourself following up on.
Find people you can follow on YouTube. Be sure to pick those who update fairly regularly, or at least have posted enough videos for you to get a lot out of if they’ve stopped posting.
Find persons you can follow on Tumblr, Instagram, Twitter, reddit, Facebook, Snapchat, etc.
Listen to podcasts that pertain to what you are experiencing.
Find books that were written by people who have gone through/are going through what you are experiencing, particularly positive ones you can relate to.
Find bloggers and/or writers to follow.
Research well-known persons whose stories you admire and study their gender exploration journeys: musicians, models, filmmakers, politicians, actresses or actors, etc.
Making the Best of Having a Hands-Off Mentor
• Try not to get overwhelmed: There’s a big world out there with many folks you could potentially use as a hands-off mentor. It’s okay to start with a broad search, then continue to fine-tune it as you discover which words and phrases help narrow down your search. Make a list of three to five possible candidates, and then do research on each one. Keep all of them if you want or trim it down to just one—whatever works best for you.
• Make it engaging: You might enjoy having a daily or weekly routine in which you set aside time to learn or seek information from your mentor. What matters is that you feel like they are actually a part of your life to guide and support you with just the right story, quote, or message.
• Engage with them regularly: Since you won’t actually be interacting with this person, you’ll need to have other ways of keeping them a part of your life. Hang up pictures of them; use Post-its to display their inspiring quotes; listen to their recordings while you drive, while going for a walk, or when you need a pick-me-up; talk to others who admire them (a.k.a. “fans”). As long as you pick someone who will be a healthy influence on you there’s nothing wrong with getting excited about having them in your life.
Use this section to keep track of whom you will seek out as hands-off mentors. Take note of what information you have gathered about them, including the work they have done that you connect with. Once you have your final list of hands-off mentors, keep track of what you have learned from them, reflecting upon how they are helping you on your journey.
Hands-on or hands-off mentors (or both) can be great additions to your support system. Take some time to explore both options and see what would be the best fit for you.
Filling in the Rest of Your Team
Having either one or several mentors with you on your journey is a key component to your success. However, it’s unlikely that one person will have all of the talents, skills, and abilities needed to get tackle this challenge with you. The goal of this exercise is for you to brainstorm who else you can add to your team, and what steps to take to find them.
TIPS FOR PUTTING TOGETHER YOUR TEAM
• You can search for all of them at once, or just one at a time. You can also have more than one of each kind of team member. Everyone is different when it comes to the type of team they need, so follow your gut on this.
• You can start a small team now and then add people to it later, or have a bigger team you can make smaller later. Your journey is going to change course over time, so your team will more than likely need to change as well.
• If you are socially and/or geographically isolated, use the concept of having a hands-off Mentor and apply it to the formation of your team.
• If finding in-person team members is unrealistic right now, you can use fictional characters to fill these roles. You can engage with these characters through visualization, writing exercises, and other creative methods (see the conversation with Jules on page 22 for an example of how to do this).
There’s no right or wrong way to go about forming your team as long as you keep in mind the main goal: for you to have companionship on your journey.
FINDING YOUR TEAM MEMBERS
Some of these tips are the same as when you were looking for a mentor, so use those methods again if they worked for you.
Place a checkmark next to any of the following suggestions you can see yourself following up on.
Think about family members who could be a part of your team. This includes extended family and chosen family.
Think about those in your friends or acquaintance group who could be a part of your team.
Think about everyone you encounter on a regular basis: teachers, coaches, pastors, bosses, coworkers, local business owners or employees you see regularly, bartenders, etc. Could any of them be a part of your team?
Do a search for Pride, LGBTQ, or Gender Identity Centers in your state or country to see if they have support groups where you can find team members.
Use your favorite social media outlets and reach out to individuals you admire to see if they will respond to you personally.
Seek out message boards that relate to your specific gender identity journey. Reach out to the board in general and then individual members as you get to know them better.
Seek out both written and video blogs which you connect with and send a message to the creator to see if they they’d be interested in being a part of your team.
Find a therapist in your area who you can work with (try to find one who has experience working with transgender, nonbinary, gender diverse, and gender questioning individuals).
Seek out establishments in your area where you have a higher chance of encountering persons who can relate to what you are experiencing. This could include places that are LGBTQ owned and operated, gatherings that are progressive-leaning, open and affirming churches, or perhaps traveling to a bigger city within your state.
Ask around (either in person or online) to see if anyone knows of persons who could be a part of your team.
PUTTING TOGETHER YOUR TEAM
Your team will consist of the following members:
• The Mentor
• The Comic Relief
• The Tough Love Friend
• The Cheerleader
• The Problem Solver
• The Good Listener
• The Sidekick
The Mentor
After completing the last exercise, you should have someone in mind for this, or perhaps you have already found someone to fill this spot on the team.
Who is your Mentor (or Mentors)?
The Comic Relief
Self-discovery is not for the faint-of-heart. You’re going to need someone who will be there for you when you need to laugh and take things not so seriously. This person can point out when you need to take a break, relax, and have some fun.
Do you alr
eady know someone who can be your Comic Relief?
If you don’t know someone who can be your Comic Relief, where can you go in search of them?
The Tough Love Friend
This is the person who will always be direct and honest with you. They have a no-bullcrap policy and won’t hesitate to tell you the truth, even though it will be hard for you to hear. The key is they speak from a place of caring—they truly want the best for you. They show you they care by recognizing how hard it must be to have them point out the truth and continuing to patiently stand by you as you work through your challenges. You may leave a conversation with them feeling sore and weary. But, like a deep tissue massage, you know you needed to go through it to become healthier.
Do you already know someone who can be your Tough Love Friend?
If you don’t know someone who can be your Tough Love Friend, where can you go in search of them?
The Cheerleader
The Cheerleader is someone who will be an uplifting, positive person in your life. They will try to get you to see the bright side of things and remind you of how awesome you are. They will have unwavering faith in you, tell you repeatedly how much they enjoy and appreciate you, and that they can’t believe everyone else in the world doesn’t feel the same way. They remind you of how you deserve better in your life. They will do this for you even if they are having a bad day, or if they have a lot going on in their life (in fact you might need to keep an eye on this for them, so they don’t burn themselves out being your Cheerleader). They love knowing this is the role they play in your life. The Cheerleader can also help provide a balance to the role your Tough Love Friend plays in your life.
You and Your Gender Identity Page 6
