On page 76, what did you rank the intensity of the shame that resulted from the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors you had during childhood? ____________________
On page 77, what did you rank the intensity of the shame that resulted from the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors you had during your adolescence? ____________________
What is the total of these two numbers? ____________________
This number tells you the grand total that shame is affecting your gender identity exploration.
On page 79, what did you rank the intensity of the guilt that resulted from the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors you had during childhood? ____________________
On page 80, what did you rank the intensity of the guilt that resulted from the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors you had during your adolescence? ____________________
What is the total of these two numbers? ____________________
This number tells you the grand total that guilt is affecting your gender identity exploration.
Now add together your total shame score and your total guilt score: ____________________
This number tells you the grand total that shame and guilt are affecting your gender identity exploration.
Place a checkmark next to the option that describes your separate shame and guilt scores.
Your shame total is higher than your guilt total. This means you have more work to do around how you feel about yourself and less work around how you feel you will impact others.
Your guilt total is higher than your shame total. This means you have more work to do in terms of how you feel about the way you affect others and less around how you feel about yourself.
Your shame and guilt totals are the same or very close. This means you have equal amounts of work to do around how you feel about yourself as well as how you affect others.
Now place a checkmark next to the option that describes your total shame and guilt scores.
4–13: Shame and/or guilt are controlling your life somewhat and may be mildly impacting your gender identity exploration. Once you get to Stage Three: Exploration, you may be able to work through it without having to do a lot of work around your shame and/or guilt. However, if you are caught by surprise by the emergence of more shame and/or guilt than you were expecting, seek out the help of someone who can compassionately support you through your journey. You can also use the tools listed in the Further Resources section at the end of this chapter.
14–27: Shame and/or guilt are controlling your life to a moderate degree and may be noticeably impacting your gender identity exploration. Once you get to Stage Three: Exploration, you may have difficulty making it through the section without shame and/or guilt interfering. More than likely, you could use the help of someone who can compassionately support you through your journey. You can also use the tools listed in the Further Resources section at the end of this chapter.
28–40: Shame and/or guilt are controlling your life to a high degree and are significantly impacting your gender identity exploration. You may find yourself unable to work through Stage Three: Exploration without seeking the help of someone who can compassionately support you through your journey as you work through your shame and/or guilt. You can also use the tools listed in the Further Resources section at the end of this chapter.
SELF-CARE REMINDER
What was the Post-Exercise Self-Care Activity you listed at the beginning of the chapter? It’s time to set this guide aside and spend time with your chosen activity.
FURTHER RESOURCES
Brenner, Gail. “10 Life-Changing Ways to Move Through Shame.” Dr. Gail Brenner. July 2014. Accessed December 10, 2016. http://gailbrenner.com/2014/07/10-life-changing-ways-to-move-through-shame/.
Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. New York: Gotham, 2012.
Burgo, Joseph, PhD. “The Difference Between Guilt and Shame.” Psychology Today. May 30, 2013. Accessed December 10, 2016. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shame/201305/the-difference-between-guilt-and-shame.
Casey, Suze. Belief Re-patterning: The Amazing Technique for “Flipping the Switch” to Positive Thoughts. London: Hay House, 2012.
Deeds, Anna, MSED, NCC, LPC. “Learning to Forgive Yourself and Let Go of Guilt and Shame.” Choose Help. Accessed December 10, 2016. http://www.choosehelp.com/topics/recovery/how-forgive-yourself-let-go-guilt-shame.
Dwoskin, Hale. “3 Lies That Bind Us to Guilt and Shame.” The Huffington Post. September 5, 2013. Accessed December 10, 2016. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/hale-dwoskin/guilt-and-shame_b_3862489.html.
Vecchio, Jackie. “7 Steps to Move through Shame, Fear, and Regret.” Tiny Buddha. Accessed December 10, 2016. http://tinybuddha.com/blog/7-steps-to-move-through-shame-fear-and-regret/.
Wells, Jonathan. “How Your Beliefs Create Your Reality Part 1.” Advanced Life Skills. Accessed December 10, 2016. http://advancedlifeskills.com/blog/how-your-beliefs-create-your-reality-part-1/.
Wright, Mark. “Reinventing Your Life One Belief at a Time.” The Integrity Coach. Accessed December 10, 2016. http://www.theintegritycoach.com/articles/reinventing-your-life-one-belief-at-a-time/.
Zhang, Benny. Belief Changing: Discover the Ultimate Step by Step Guide to Change Belief. September 14, 2014. Accessed December 10, 2016.
Summary of Your Responses from Stage Two: Reflection
Well done; you’ve reached the end of Stage Two: Reflection. Before we move on, let’s pause to look at the big picture of what you’ve learned about yourself in this section. Specifically, in what ways have your experiences during your childhood and adolescence affected your gender identity journey?
By understanding how and why you ended up where you are you can:
• Recognize how experiences from your past are interfering with your ability to engage in self-exploration.
• Face challenges in your gender identity exploration with a greater understanding as to why this might be difficult for you.
• Be watchful of the presence of shame and guilt as you get closer to discovering your authentic self.
Go back to your answers from each part of this section and consolidate them here.
CHAPTER 5: CHILDHOOD
What clued you in to the bigger world that you were “supposed to” fit into, and therefore affected the way you began to experience your gender identity from ages three to eleven?
What was the main factor that influenced your own personal, unique way of experiencing yourself and your gender identity?
Summarize your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors (as well as the responses these behaviors) regarding your gender identity between the ages of three and eleven. How does looking back on this time make you feel?
CHAPTER 6: ADOLESCENCE
What were the main ways you experienced disruption of your self-exploration process during these years, specifically concerning your gender identity?
How much discomfort did you experience while going through the changes of puberty (physically, mentally, emotionally)?
Summarize your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors (as well as the responses to your behaviors) regarding your gender identity during the ages of twelve to seventeen. How does looking back on this time make you feel?
CHAPTER 7: THE ROLE OF SHAME AND GUILT
To what degree is shame controlling your life concerning the experience of your gender identity?
To what degree is guilt controlling your life concerning the experience of your gender identity?
How can you address the control that shame and guilt exercise over you when it comes to your gender identity exploration?
STAGE THREE
Exploration
Introduction to Stage Three: Exploration
At last, we arrive at Stage Three: Exploration. Perhaps it will come as no surprise to find out that, throughout this guidebook, you have taken on the role of the explorer. An explorer is someone who finds themselves in an unfamiliar land and has th
e desire to unearth its secrets and riches, perhaps even establishing a new home in this land. That’s just what you’ll be doing in this stage, with the “unfamiliar land” being your very own self.
Remember the logline you created in the This is Your Life exercise (page 12)? This is the perfect time to revisit it, as you need your logline much like an explorer needs a compass. It will provide focus and direction to the question, “What is your reason for continuing on the path of self-exploration?” It will give you direction when you feel lost, overwhelmed, defeated, or just want to go exploring.
Write your logline here:
Here is a look at what you will explore in what will prove to be the meatiest part of this guidebook, and, therefore, your journey:
• Wisdom Tips to keep in mind during your exploration
• The big picture of who you are right now and how close or far away you are from discovering your authentic self
• A deconstruction of gender to help clear up many of your questions
• The importance of finding others to whom you can relate and how to go about doing so
• Why listening to your gut is a critical part of this process and how to do this
• The stream of constant questions that may create confusion around your gender identity
• How much discomfort you have with your gender assigned at birth
• Possible explanations why you might feel the way you feel
• How to explore your gender in ways that will bring you more clarity
• Your gender identity options and finding the one(s) that comes closest to describing how you experience your gender identity
• Ideas as to what you can do with what you have discovered about yourself
By the time you complete this portion of the book you will unearth, gather, and digest enough information about yourself to have a deeper understanding of how to define your gender identity (if you choose to define it at all).
To help you come to this place of increased self-awareness you will be prompted at the end of each chapter to pause and check-in. Check-In Time is a short journaling prompt at the end of each exercise that acts as a reminder to process how you are feeling after each discovery. This will allow you to:
• Slow down long enough to notice and retain important information about yourself.
• Gauge your stress levels and adjust your pace accordingly.
• Remind yourself to employ self-care as needed.
• Create a written account of this part of your journey.
As you begin Stage Three: Exploration, keep this quote from an unknown source in mind:
“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that really isn’t you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”
Wisdom Tips
The metaphor of the Hero’s Journey is perfectly suitable for the exploration phase of your gender identity journey. Also known as the Road of Trials,40 this stage can be filled with Tests, Allies, and Enemies, the Approach to the Inmost Cave, and Ordeals.41
Imagine you decide to seek out the advice of a wizard, medicine woman, or oracle before you begin this portion of your journey. You are sitting before them and are ready to hear what advice they have to offer. They pause dramatically and then speak:
“I know you must be eager to begin your exploration. Nevertheless, you must take the time to gather nutrients from these wisdom tips. They are your food, your fuel, and your water for the next part of your quest. They will be there for you when you encounter the Road of Trials.”
As one of the trusted mentors on your journey, I am here to send you off with words of wisdom in preparation for what’s ahead. These tips are the result of years of observation, research, and experience. Breathe, focus, and listen to what they have to say. Also, be sure to take notes, as they will be there for you to return to at any point in time. You will need them.
WISDOM TIP 1: WHAT TO EXPECT FROM EXPLORATION
Take a moment to imagine one of your favorite explorers. It can be someone real or a fictional character. If you were to create a montage of the various moments of this explorer’s life, what would it look like? I imagine one of my childhood heroes, Indiana Jones.42 When it’s time for him to set off on an adventure I see his life filled with moments of excitement, confusion, discovery, fear (“Snakes!”), humor, pain, mistakes, and victories. This is what you can expect during your exploration montage as well.
Here’s what you should keep in mind as you prepare for what lies ahead:
• Have someplace you can keep track of your exploration ideas. We’ll take a closer look at how you can do this in the first chapter of this section.
• Exploration will be different for each reader of this book. Your exploration will be influenced by factors such as where you live, your financial situation, your personality, your life experiences, your support system, your relationship status, your age, your resourcefulness, your health, etc. There is no exploration process that is right or better than another. It’s about tapping into your own unique strengths and abilities.
• Remind yourself of the steps you have already taken to prepare for this journey. Read through your answers from Stage One: Preparation (page 45). You now understand your fears and have a plan for approaching them. You minimized negativity in your life and learned how to take better care of yourself. You established a Mentor and a support team and created an internal Bodyguard and Nurturer. (If you have not yet taken these steps, please pause and do so before continuing. These preparations are crucial for you to be able to take on the full impact of this journey.)
• Be prepared for changes to happen. What will those changes be? There’s no way to know for sure. Will some them be incredible and gratifying and others painful and difficult? Probably and probably. This is why exploration is frequently the most courageous step you can take in this journey: you never know where it is going to lead.
• As often as you can, take time to reflect on your exploration process. What’s worked? What hasn’t worked? What have you learned about yourself so far? Do you need to pause and take time for self-care? Do you need to pick up the pace? Do you need to slow down? Frequent reflection is crucial to your success. That’s why every chapter in Stage Three: Exploration ends with a Check-In Time for you to reflect on your progress.
• Your plan will be thrown off. Your journey will change course with unexpected shortcuts, detours, roadblocks, and U-turns. It’s best to expect this from the start. Some of these twists will be pleasant surprises. Others will knock the wind out of you, so much so that you might be tempted to turn around and go back home. In the end you can utilize creative solutions, patience, resourcefulness, and faith in yourself to make it through the more challenging parts of the journey.
• Exploration is a life-long process. You will learn a great deal about yourself during this portion of the book. Most importantly, you will learn that your exploration process never truly ends. Your gender identity is only one facet of who you are, and you will almost certainly unearth more information about yourself than you anticipate. This will continue throughout the course of your life. Even though periods of exploration will fluctuate between intense and calm, new discoveries are always there, waiting to be made. You can use the techniques you have learned in this book for any future journeys you find yourself on.
WISDOM TIP 2: USE YOUR SELF-CARE CHECKLIST
Hopefully by now, turning to your Self-Care Checklist has become a part of your daily routine. In Stage Three: Exploration, there won’t be cues before and after exercises for you to do this. Therefore, I encourage you to pause and take the time to:
• Revisit your list. Are there any items you need to add to your list? Which ones have you found to be of greatest use to you? Are there any items you need to remove? (i.e., items you have outgrown, which have become too distracting, overly escapist, etc.)
• Set a reminder for yourself. If you think y
ou might forget to use your Self-Care Activities throughout Stage Three, create a reminder for yourself. You can take time right now to write Self-Care Activity throughout this part of the guide. Or, if you are reading this in digital form, use the appropriate tools on hand to create reminder notes.
• Make it really hard to forget. Hang your Self-Care Checklist in places you spend a lot of time. You can also share it with loved ones, so they can offer reminders to you to follow through with items on your list.
• Make it rewarding. When you take the time to use your Self-Care Checklist, the reward comes from how much better you feel when you use it compared to when you don’t. Since it can be easy to forget what this feels like, take a few moments to write down how you feel every time you use your checklist. Also write down how it feels when you don’t use the checklist. By comparing how you feel when you use the checklist to when you don’t, you will eventually make connections between how much better you feel when you schedule in time for your Self-Care Activities.
WISDOM TIP 3: LEARN FROM THOSE WHO’VE BEEN THERE
I conducted a survey through my Conversations with a Gender Therapist Facebook community to ask my audience what advice they would have for those who are in search of answers to their questions about their gender identity.43
Here are the top responses from those individuals who have already been through this experience:
• Get into therapy/counseling.
• Get support from loved ones.
• Learn (and believe) that being transgender, nonbinary, and gender diverse exist as options.
• Work on not judging yourself harshly or negatively.
• Seek out and experience validation of who you are and how you feel.
• Realize that medically and/or socially transitioning to your true gender is possible and something can be done about it.
You and Your Gender Identity Page 10
