I’d tell you not to get caught in the gray areas.
Schwartz reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out an envelope. Nico takes it from him and quickly tears at the envelope, pulling out the contents. I close my eyes briefly as he flips through the pages.
Surveillance photos of Frankie handing drugs through the driver’s side window of a car.
More photos of the paraphernalia they found in his car.
And lastly, a copy of the arrest warrant Orange County issued in his name.
Oh, son.
Why?
I open my eyes and find Nico staring at me.
“Look at the time stamp on the photos,” I say hoarsely. “Frankie dug his grave before you ever voiced your feelings about Carrie to him.”
He shakes his head.
“He wouldn’t have been in that car if I hadn’t told him the truth.”
“You don’t know that,” I argue. “Now, your brother is gone, and it’s time for you to make peace with him.”
Swallowing, I crouch down in front of him and take his face in my hands.
“We want revenge for our losses, someone to blame, it’s the nature of the beast living inside of us. But son, sometimes there’s no revenge to be had. There’s no one to blame.” I pause as a tear slides down my cheek. “It’s time to say goodbye.”
His shoulders shake as a guttural sob sounds from the back of his throat. I pull him to me and tighten my arms around him. Schwartz stands from the pew and Parrish and Blackie move to the back of the chapel. Holding the doors open, they bow their heads and I pull away from my son.
Rising to my feet, I hold my hand out to him. He allows me to pull him to his feet and then he releases my hand and moves to the altar. Kneeling at the cross, he folds his hands and prays.
Once he’s done, he stands and follows me out of the chapel. We walk the hallway, our brothers at our sides and the good lawyer tailing behind us. Reaching the intensive care unit, I head for the nurse’s station. I glance at Nico, watching as he enters his brother’s room and I turn back to the nurse.
“I’m ready to sign the papers,” I say hoarsely.
With her deepest sympathies, she slides the clipboard across the counter and offers me a pen. Clicking it to release the point, I scan the paper in front of me and sign my name, giving them permission to terminate life support.
Oh, son.
Why?
A hand touches my shoulder and I turn to find Pipe standing there.
“You dropped these,” he says, lifting my grandmother’s rosaries. I take them from him and pat his shoulder, muttering my thanks. Then I watch as he joins the line of men standing outside my son’s room. Cloaked in leather with their heads bowed, they stand with me and mine.
Pulling in a breath, I walk past them and enter Frankie’s room. Maria immediately joins me, lacing her arm through mine and I kiss the top of her head. Then Enzo comes to stand next to me and I drape an arm around his shoulders.
Oh, son.
Next, I zero in on the pretty girl with green eyes who stole the hearts of two of my boys and gave this family our most precious blessing, our little Anna.
If only I could take her pain away.
If only I could make her understand this isn’t her fault either.
There’s still time.
My eyes fall to Nico and I watch as he pulls a chair next to his brother’s bed. Taking his hand, he bends his head and kisses Frankie’s knuckles.
“I love you,” he whispers. “I hope you know that. I hope you know there was nothing I wouldn’t have done to save you.”
Oh, son.
Lastly, I look at my ex-wife and untangle myself from Enzo and Maria to join her in the corner of the room. I take her hands in mine, just as I did the day we exchanged vows.
They still fit, just not as perfectly as I once thought they did.
Our eyes lock and I help her to her feet. The doctor enters the room and we move to stand beside our boy. I stare at my son, committing his beautiful face to my memory before I take my grandmother’s rosary beads and place them in his hands. Then Sophie slides beside me and leans over the rail to kiss him one final time.
I wasn’t there when he drew his first breath.
But I’m here, holding his mother as he takes his last.
Twenty-nine seconds.
Twenty-nine seconds after they turned the machines off, our Frankie went to rest in eternal paradise.
Oh, son.
Why?
-Thirty-
Nico
There were so many people who came to pay their respects to Frankie the day he was waked that a line wrapped around the funeral parlor. The N.Y.P.D. even put two patrolmen outside to control the crowd. Most of the people paying their respects were other charters of the Satan’s Knights and Frankie’s friends. All his teachers and coaches showed and every teammate too. There were college recruits and friends he made upstate that made the drive to say goodbye to the kid who was meant to be a star athlete. Clubs we didn’t associate with, men we didn’t call our ally’s, they all came to shake my dad’s hand and offer their condolences. It was really something I’ll never forget, and I probably should’ve found comfort in it, but I was still reeling from everything.
It took me an hour to even set foot inside the funeral parlor and when I did, I didn’t know what to do with myself.
I didn’t know where I belonged if I should have stood with my charter next to the coffin or sat in the front row with my family. Hell, I didn’t even know what to wear. In the end, I chose a black suit and stood in the back of the room.
When the bells chimed, signaling the viewing was over, the room cleared out and I stayed behind. I moved to the front row and sat with my brother until the funeral director came in and asked me to leave.
“Nico, the car is here,” my mom says, laying a hand on my shoulder.
I’ve been staying with her since the night of the accident. I just can’t bring myself to go back home. I’m not ready to face all that carnage.
Placing my hand on hers, I rise from the couch. She doesn’t let go and we walk out of the house hand in hand towards the limo that waits at the curb to bring us to the funeral parlor one last time.
I hold the door for my mom as she slides into the limo, then I slip in beside her. When we’re halfway to our destination, my mom reaches into her pocketbook and produces a piece of construction paper that’s been folded to act as a card.
“What’s this?” I ask as she hands it to me.
“Your dad asked me and Carmella to go through our albums to see if we had any photos of you, three boys, for the video tribute, and I came across this. Frankie was in Kindergarten when he made that for you and Enzo.”
I open the card and read it.
I love my brothers.
Love, Frankie.
“He was just learning how to write,” Mom continues. “Anyway, I remember you and Enzo fighting over who was going to keep it. Al made you draw straws, and you won.”
My finger traces his handwriting and I look at my mom.
“I thought you might like to have it.”
“Thank you,” I murmur, gently folding the card. “Can you hold it for me? I don’t want it to get messed up in my pocket.”
“Of course,” she says, taking it from my hand. She tucks it safely inside her purse and I divert my eyes to the window. We ride the rest of the way in silence and five minutes later the limo pulls in front of the funeral parlor.
Once I step outside, I glance around, taking in all the Harley’s that surround the hearse. My gaze lands on Blackie, who is standing off the side with Lacey. He takes their daughter from her arms and lifts her over his head, bringing her down to blow raspberries over her belly. Baby Jacqueline smiles at her dad, grabbing a fistful of his hair and I find myself smiling. A foreign thing these days, but it’s nonetheless genuine.
I don’t know if I would’ve survived this last month if he didn’t have my back. When I close my eyes and
relive the night of Frankie’s accident, Blackie’s there. He’s there pulling me back and wiping Frankie’s blood from my hands. I lost my brother that night, and I’ll never get over that. Not in this lifetime and not in the next either. But on the heels of every great loss, something awaits.
I gained a friend that night.
I gained another brother.
A hand grips the back of my neck and I turn around to face Enzo.
“How you holding up?”
I don’t know how to answer that because I’m not sure I’m holding onto anything.
“I think I’m just going through the motions,” I admit. Tipping my chin, I flick my finger against the dark shades masking his eyes. “What about you? What’s with the shades?”
“I stole them from Riggs,” he answers. “He said I looked like I smoked a cannon.”
“Did you?”
“Nah, man,” he shakes his head. “Straight as a pin.”
“Good.”
“Look at that,” he murmurs, pointing a finger straight ahead of him. I follow it until my gaze smacks right into Carrie and all the fucking air leaves my lungs. It’s the first time in a month that I allow myself to look at her and it’s a mistake because every goddamn emotion comes rushing back.
I see her pain.
I see her grief.
But most of all I recognize her guilt because it mirrors mine.
“The Scotto medicine has arrived,” Enzo says, stepping forward to take Anna from Carrie. I quickly divert my eyes to the ground and shove my hands into my pockets, feeling the weight of Carrie’s stare.
Burning.
Aching.
Begging.
“Nico, come here,” Enzo demands, and I silently curse him. It’s always the middle child who has the biggest mouth. Lifting my head, I sigh. Making sure I don’t make any eye contact with Carrie; I close the distance between me and my brother. My gaze drifts to the pink bundle in his arms and my throat tightens as regret slams into me.
My little Anna Banana.
“Tell Uncle Nico who your favorite uncle is? Go on…” Enzo teases. He flips his borrowed shades on top of his head and looks at me, a small smile playing on his lips as he glances back at Anna. “She doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, but she says it’s me. I’m her favorite.”
Without giving myself a chance to change my mind, I lift my hand and gently run my finger down the length of her cheek.
God, I miss her.
“She looks just like him, no?” Enzo murmurs quietly.
“Yeah, except for her eyes,” I say.
That part of her is all her mother.
Enzo leans close to me.
“You need to talk to her, man,” he whispers. “You’re both hurting, I get it. But look at this little girl.”
I swallow and bring my eyes back to Anna, watching as she yawns peacefully.
“She needs all the love we got, and Frankie would want us…no, he’d expect us to give that to her.”
He’s right.
He’s always fucking right, this one.
Turning around so he can fully face me, he extends his hands.
“Take her,” he demands gently. “Love her, but don’t try to become her favorite. I’m not giving up my spot at the top.”
I swallow and look back at Anna just as her eyes open and find mine. My hands instantly reach for her and I pull her close. I breathe in that sweet baby scent and for the first time in a month, I’m at peace.
“Oh man,” I murmur. “Uncle Nico missed his Anna Banana.”
“She missed you too,” Carrie says, her voice hoarse. I turn my head to meet her gaze and she swallows. Drawing in a deep breath, I nod, a silent understanding passing between us.
She needs us.
The funeral director comes out and tells us the priest is here and we simultaneously turn and enter the building together. When we reach the room, Carrie takes Anna from me and hands her off to Lauren. This time I don’t go to the back, I take my rightful place next to my father and I fold my hands in front of me and pray along with the priest. One by one, everyone moves to the casket to say their final goodbyes.
Sophie and Carrie are the last to go up to the casket and Uncle Pipe and Uncle Jack escort them, holding them up as they cry. Carrie lays a photo of Anna next to Frankie’s body and leans over, gently touching her lips to his cool skin. To my surprise, I don’t look away.
I watch the exchange, accepting the fact that they loved one another and from that love, they created something precious. There’s comfort in that, in knowing my brother was loved and that he will live on through his little girl.
And that deserves respect.
Sophie hugs Carrie and Uncle Pipe signals for Riggs and Blackie. The two of them lead Carrie and Sophie away from the coffin and Pipe and Parrish stand in front of me and Enzo. Dad stands first and then we follow. With his two brothers at his sides, Dad steps towards the coffin, but he pauses about a foot away from it. Suddenly Uncle Pipe and Uncle Jack turn around to face me and Enzo.
They command us with their eyes to stand, then Uncle Pipe ushers Enzo to stand at my dad’s right and Uncle Jack, guides me to my dad’s left, before they both exit the room, leaving the Scotto men alone for one final time.
Dad drapes his arms around our shoulders, tucking us into his sides and together we walk to the coffin.
“I never wanted to live long enough to do this,” he whispers as he pulls his hand from my shoulders and presses his fingers to his lips before touching them to Frankie’s. “Rest easy, my boy. I’ll see you soon.”
Then he reaches into his pocket and takes out his grandmother’s rosaries, laying them on Frankie’s chest, with the photo of Anna. His shoulders shake and a sob splinters past his lips. Enzo pulls him back and my father, the big brute of a man who has seen his fair share of death, crumbles.
Wordlessly, Enzo ushers dad out of the room, leaving me alone with the undertaker and Frankie. Knowing someone needs to watch as they close the coffin, I take a deep breath and try to prepare myself mentally, but a strong arm is draped across my shoulders, reminding me the Scotto’s are never alone. That we’re property of Parrish.
“I’ll stay with him,” Uncle Jack says.
I shake my head.
“It’s my place.”
“Then it’s my place to stand with you,” he replies.
And so, he does.
When it’s done, he leads me out of the funeral parlor and escorts me to the limo. Tears roll down my cheeks as I stare out the window, watching as all the Knights head back into the building. Five minutes later, Uncle Jack, Uncle Pipe, Blackie, Riggs, Stryker, Deuce, Cobra, and Linc carry Frankie to the hearse.
They carry him inside the church too, laying him on the altar.
And they carry my brother to his grave, where he’ll rest for all of eternity.
They don’t leave his side until the final rose is placed on top of the mahogany box.
~*~
Frankie would’ve loved his repast. He would’ve looked around Kate’s and got a kick out of seeing his football jersey’s displayed in frames on the walls and he would’ve loved that people were laughing, not crying.
He also would’ve loved that the Knight’s got Dad and Sophie drunk, and he would’ve cheered so fucking hard when Enzo grabbed the microphone and started belting out Old Town Road. Yeah, he would’ve gotten a kick out of that.
What he wouldn’t have liked is how disconnected Carrie was from everything. It’s the only goddamn reason I’m pulling out the chair across from her. Startled, she lifts her chin and raises an eyebrow.
“Where’s Anna?”
She stares at me for a moment, clearly surprised I’m speaking to her.
“Maria took her upstairs to change her,” she finally replies.
“Listen, Carrie,” I start, pausing to try to find the right words. But is there really such a thing? “Bishop, the other prospect, you probably met him today—”
“What about him?�
�� she asks, cutting me off.
“He’s moving in with his girl, so there’s an apartment upstairs that I’m going to take.”
The look on her face, all that pain in her eyes, it’s too much for me to bear. I divert my eyes to the untouched bottle of beer in my hands.
“You shouldn’t have to leave your house because of me,” she says and my gaze snaps back to hers.
“It’s not just because of you,” I explain, exhaling sharply. “I know I’m not the only one hurting, here, okay? I know you’re grieving him too and I also know you feel the same guilt as I do.”
She doesn’t deny it, so I continue.
“We made a mistake and maybe it cost us Frankie, maybe it didn’t. I don’t know. All I know is that we can’t go back there. Anna already has lost so much and she’s only a month old.”
It’s Carrie’s turn to look away and as she does, she wipes her tears.
“No one is ever going to take the place of her father. I won’t allow it. But I can promise you that little girl is going to have a good home, a happy childhood, and she’s gonna know how much she’s loved.”
Carrie turns to me and her green eyes hold me captive for a moment.
“You’re going to give her all of that and I’m going to help you in any way I can.”
I loved my brother.
I always will.
And loving his daughter is the only way I know how to honor him.
For her, there’s nothing I won’t do.
Not a damn thing.
-Thirty-one-
Nico
Two months later
“Will the godparents please stand,” the priest requests, and I feel Lauren nudge me with her elbow.
“That’s our cue,” she whispers.
About two weeks after Frankie was laid to rest, my dad and Sophie showed up at my apartment and told me Carrie was baptizing Anna. We hadn’t really spoken all that much since the repast, just a quick hello or goodbye every time I went by to see Anna, and I never went alone. Most of the time I dragged Enzo with me, or I’d show up when I knew my dad was there visiting.
Anyway, when they told me she wanted to baptize Anna, they also revealed that it was important to them that they honor Frankie’s wishes and asked me to be her godfather. I didn’t feel I deserved the privilege anymore, but Dad made it clear there was no room for argument. He had even gotten Sophie, a die-hard Jew, to back him.
Walking The Line (Satan's Knights Prospect Trilogy Book 3) Page 23
