“Do you know how hard it is for me wanting you, being intimate like this, and then knowing we’re both going home to spouses that don’t deserve or appreciate us?”
“An easy alternative to that is to stop this before it goes any deeper, but I don’t think either one of us wants that, right?”
“Of course not. I know I’m being soft right now. I just wish things could be different.”
I stood up and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “We’re good the way we are. We make each other happy and take care of each other’s needs. Divorcing your wife would be costly, and it’d be more hurtful than helpful. Enjoy what we have. I’m not going anywhere.”
I extend my arms to him. He took my hands, and I pulled him to his feet.
He kissed me and smiled. That little speech should hold him for a while. We dressed and headed home to our separate lives.
* * *
I went home to a pitch-black house. The minute I stepped inside, I checked on the girls. They were snuggled under their blankets, sound asleep. I crept to my bedroom. The door creaked as I slowly opened it. The room was dark, but the sparse moonlight from the windows outlined Chris, who was sitting up against the headboard, with his arms folded. I turned on the light.
“Why are you sitting in the dark?” I asked him.
Chris glanced at his watch. “Where were you?”
“I was at work. I told you I was working late.”
“Bullshit! I went to your job to surprise you with dinner from Phil’s. Your coworkers said you’d gone home hours ago. It’s funny, you weren’t there, but your car was. I saw it in the parking lot. I waited for you for over an hour.”
Damn. I hadn’t expected him to come to my job. I was even more upset that the night-shift crew hadn’t told me he stopped by when I went back to the office. I needed to think fast. My mind was racing as I tried to come up with an alibi that would calm him down.
“Okay, you caught me . . . I was out with Lindsey,” I blurted out.
Lindsey had been my best friend since preschool. I told her everything and trusted her with my life. She knew I fucked around on Chris, and while she didn’t agree with it, she always had my back when situations got tight.
“Don’t lie to me. You weren’t with Lindsey!” Chris shouted.
He was so angry that it scared me, and I started to shake.
“Yes I was. And stop yelling at me! Sometimes I need to have a little girl time. I need to hang out and do things I like to do, besides just going to the gym. I never have time just for me. When I wake up, I have to get the kids ready for school. I bathe them, clothe them, fix their hair, drive them to school, and then I rush to work, where I’m swamped with shit all day. When I come home, I’m making dinner, spending time with the kids, and reading bedtime stories. I’m tired of the usual routine, working all day, then turning on Mommy mode and dealing with the kids all night. I needed to get away for a bit, so I did. We went to see Wicked. Then we had dinner at the Red Lobster in Times Square. She drove, which is why my car was in the parking lot.”
I had laid my lie down thick. His face softened, and he seemed to calm down a bit.
“I understand . . . It makes sense, but I need you to put my mind at ease. Call Lindsey and let me hear it from her mouth.”
“Right now? It’s almost two o’clock in the morning.”
“I don’t care what time it is. Call her now. She lives five minutes away. She should still be up if you guys just finished hanging out, like you claim you did. Call her,” he demanded.
He was serious. I was too sloppy, and it was causing Chris not to trust me. I knew I had to be more careful from now on. I couldn’t risk losing him.
“Baby, you’re being unreasonable,” I pleaded. “She’s a married woman. She might be up, but that doesn’t necessarily mean Jeff is.”
“Fine. Before you go to work, call her and let me hear her version of what went down tonight, without you interfering.”
“Why are you acting like this?”
“If you lied to me about this, what else could you be lying to me about?”
“I told you what happened.”
“Yeah, you did. Now I want to see if it matches up with Lindsey’s story.”
He slid down in the bed and turned away from me. Something was up, but I was too tired to argue with him tonight. I let him pout. I got undressed, slid into bed, and waited until I heard him snoring. I eased onto my side so my back was facing him. Then I grabbed my phone from the nightstand and texted Lindsey a long message explaining that she should expect a phone call from me early in the morning. I told her what she should say and what I had actually done. She responded right away and said she had my back. I knew she’d cover for me, but I was on edge. I knew I had to tread lightly from now on. Obviously, something had Chris suspecting me. I needed to find out what that was so that I could dispel it. I was not trying to lose what I had. Chris was flawed—you could even say he was damaged—but I wouldn’t trade him for Raheem or Tyrell.
* * *
My alarm clock buzzed. I rolled onto my back and looked up. Chris was already awake and dressed.
“Good morning,” I said groggily.
“Morning, babe. I made you coffee, some eggs, and toast.”
“Thanks.”
He nodded. “Now that you’re up, call Lindsey,” he said nonchalantly.
That woke me up. I thought he would’ve cooled down by now, but he was still fixated on talking to her.
“It’s too early for this shit. What’s your deal? You think I’m cheating on you or something?”
“I don’t know. Are you?”
I couldn’t believe it. Even though he was right to wonder, it shocked me that he’d ask me directly. “Are you serious? You’re really asking me that? You know what? Fuck you!”
He softened up, sighed, and said, “Wait, I’m sorry. I’ve been under a lot of stress. I’m not trying to accuse you, but sometimes I get paranoid. I love you. I know I don’t say it as much as I should.”
When he said that, it reminded me of why I’d never leave him. Under his tough exterior was a caring man who loved me and tried to make me happy. I needed to stop fucking around, but it would take time. I couldn’t quit cold turkey. I needed to quell his suspicions while I worked on weaning myself off Tyrell and Raheem.
“If it’ll put your mind at ease, I’ll call her.”
He didn’t stop me, which made me realize I needed to do this. I called her, and on the second ring she picked up.
“Hey, bestie,” Lindsey said cheerfully.
“Hey, girl. What’s up? Last night was fun, right?”
“Am I on speaker?”
“Yeah, we need to go out more often,” I said, trying to disguise my answer.
“Let me talk to her for a second,” Chris said.
“Hold on. Chris wants to say hi.”
Chris snatched the phone from my hand. “What’s up, Lindsey? How is everything?”
“Everything is good here. How are you doing?”
“Working. You know how it is. So, you were the one that kept my wife out late, huh?”
“Yup, that was me. Sorry about that.”
“Do you guys do that often?” he quizzed.
“Every now and then. Not all the time, though.”
I loved her answer. It covered past nights that I’d stayed out late, and it was an excuse I could use in the future.
“What did you guys do yesterday?” Chris asked.
Shit! Why was he still pressing the issue?
“We went into Manhattan to see Wicked. After that, we had dinner at Red Lobster.”
“Did Vivian or Judy go with you guys?”
“Nah. It was just the two of us. I think they had dates. Karen was my date.” She laughed. Chris didn’t.
“Did Jeff know about your girls’ night?” he asked.
“Nah, it was more of a spur-of-the-moment type thing.”
“He doesn’t mind you coming home late like that?”
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“Nah, Jeff knows I’d never step out on him. I wouldn’t jeopardize what we have for anything.”
Chris nodded, his shoulders relaxed, and he breathed a sigh of relief. He seemed to believe her. “Okay. Hopefully, we can all hang out soon, so you don’t have to kidnap my wife and have fun without me and Jeff.”
Lindsey laughed. “Cool.”
“All right. Well, I’ll give you back to Karen. It was good talking to you. See you soon.”
“See ya, Chris.”
He handed me the phone.
“All right, girl. I’ll text you later,” I said.
“Okay. Talk to you later, bestie.”
After we ended the call, I turned and faced Chris and said, “If you need me to say it, I’ll say it.” I took his hands, looked in his beautiful brown eyes, and said, “I could never cheat on you . . . You’re the love of my life.”
As soon as I said the words, a dark wave of guilt washed over me. I felt dirty. My conscience was eating away at me. When I cheated, I got lost in the excitement. I lived in the moment, and I didn’t worry about my actions or his feelings. I knew it sounded selfish, but with everything that was wrong with our relationship, I’d always felt justified doing what I’d been doing. Right now, I felt like the scum of the earth.
“Thank you, babe. I needed to hear that. You know I was never the jealous type in the past, because you never gave me a reason to be, but I just felt like something was off, and it worried me a little,” he said.
Chris looked deep in my eyes and kissed me, and that warm, loving feeling engulfed me. If only I could have this on a consistent basis.
Karen
“Thanks for watching the girls until Chris gets home, Pops.”
“No need to thank me. These are my grandbabies. I love spending time with them.”
Just then the doorbell rang. I walked into the foyer and opened the door. My sister, Chloe, and my childhood friends Lindsey, Vivian, and Judy had arrived. They were dressed to kill. I wore a charcoal-colored skirt with a white button-down, short-sleeved blouse.
“Hey, sis. You ready to go? I’m ready to fucking drink,” Chloe said.
Pops looked up from his newspaper and shot Chloe a firm look.
“Yeah, I’m almost ready,” I said.
“Well, hurry the fuck up, slowpoke.”
Pops released a breath, indicating he was annoyed.
I ignored Chloe as I hugged and kissed everyone. Then I led them into the living room and introduced them to Pops.
“These are my friends, Pops, and of course you remember my sister, Chloe,” I said.
Always the gentleman, Pops stood up from the couch and gave them each a strong handshake. At that moment, my daughters ran up to Chloe in excitement.
“Aunt Chloe!” they yelled in unison.
Chloe hugged them. “Hey, cuties. Have you girls been good?”
“Yes,” they said at the same time.
“Well, me and Mommy have been good all week too, but we’re going to be bad tonight,” she joked.
Everyone but Pops laughed. Chloe didn’t care.
She was spontaneous and carefree by nature. It never mattered to her what anyone thought.
I checked my makeup in the hallway mirror and applied another coat of my chocolate-brown lipstick as Lindsey, Judy, and Vivian talked to Pops. Chloe joked with the kids.
“You see, girls, you got to move your ass like this when you’re dancing.” Chloe wiggled her ass and gyrated her hips like a stripper as the twins giggled. Pops slammed his palm down on the wooden coffee table.
“That’s enough,” he said sternly. “Girls, get a game out of your room, and bring it here so we can play.”
The girls stopped laughing and did as they were told.
“Do you think that’s appropriate behavior to teach six-year-old children? You think it’s funny to dance like a skank in front of these little girls?” Pops asked Chloe.
“You need to relax. I was only kidding around. It’s not that serious,” Chloe shot back.
“It is serious. These girls are impressionable. They look up to you and will mirror everything you do. You need to put more thought into what you’re teaching them.”
“Whatever. Karen, you ready to go?”
“Yeah,” I said. Then I walked up to Pops and mouthed, “Sorry.”
He nodded, and I gave him a hug and a kiss.
“Thanks again. I’ll see you later,” I told him.
He nodded again. “It’s no problem.”
I walked into my kids’ bedroom to hug them before I left. They were deep in thought, trying to figure out which game to play.
“Bye, Jocelyn. Bye, Jaclyn. Mommy is going to miss her babies. See you in the morning.”
“Bye, Mommy,” they said, barely looking up from the shelves with all the games.
Everyone except Chloe said their good-byes to the kids and Pops. After her conversation with Pops, Chloe had gone outside to smoke. I then ushered everyone out the front door, shut it behind me, and rushed everyone over to Lindsey’s Mercedes-Benz GL 550. I wanted to get out of Mommy mode as soon as possible.
“What club are we going to tonight?” Lindsey asked once everyone had climbed into the car.
“Oh, let’s go to Element,” Judy suggested.
“I’m down for that,” Vivian agreed.
Everyone else seconded the motion, and so we drove into Manhattan, to club Element on Houston Street.
“Yo, what’s the deal with Chris’s father being such a douche? I guess I see where Chris gets it from,” Chloe said as we drove.
“Not for nothing, Chloe. You were dancing kind of crazy in front of the kids,” Lindsey said.
“I wasn’t dancing crazy. They’re going to learn to dance like that eventually, so what’s the big deal?”
“They don’t need a crash course called Stripper one-oh-one when they’re five, Chloe,” Judy responded.
Judy was similar to Lindsey in terms of her personality, but she was the girly girl of the group. Though she was prissy, she had a wild streak. And she was always on the lookout for her Prince Charming. Judy had smooth deep brown skin and big breasts. She made sure to display “the girls” whenever we went out.
“Y’all are fucking up my mood before we even get to the club. I don’t need this right now,” Chloe said.
Loud and outspoken, Chloe hated arguing with people, especially when she felt she was right. She and I were very close. I was a year older. Although we were sisters, we were the total opposite of each other. Chloe was built like a Kardashian. She had huge hips and a big ass, while I was built more like Vanessa Williams. My complexion was honey colored, but hers was chestnut. I had reddish brown hair, and she had jet-black hair. I enjoyed being wild and spontaneous, but I was also responsible. Chloe lived in the moment and never worried about anything.
She was the only family I had left. Our parents were killed by a drunk driver when I was five, and Chloe and I had to live with our grandparents. When I started college, my grandpa passed. When I finished, Grandma followed him. Now it was just the two of us. We were fiercely protective of each other.
“Hand me a cigarette,” I said to Chloe.
“You sure? What if Chris smells the smoke on you?” Chloe asked sarcastically.
I rolled my eyes, then snatched the Marlboro Blacks and lighter from her hand. I lit a cigarette, then took a long, deep, relaxing drag. The nicotine and menthol filled my lungs and calmed my nerves. I blew the smoke out the car window, reached in my purse, and pulled out my cell phone.
“Who are you texting?” Judy asked me when my thumbs got busy.
“Raheem. I’m telling him to meet us at the club,” I answered nonchalantly.
“You’re still dealing with that guy? Why don’t you try to work things out with Chris?” Judy asked.
“I’m trying, but it’s going to take time. Being with Raheem is like being on drugs. It’s hard to quit cold turkey. I have to ween myself off him.”
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��Texting Raheem to hang out in a club isn’t going to help,” Judy said.
“Oh, leave her alone, Judy,” Chloe snapped. “I like Raheem better than Chris, anyway. Chris is boring. At least Raheem likes to have a good time.”
“Chloe is right. Chris acts like he’s Karen’s father more than her husband. I want to call my man Daddy in the bedroom, but I don’t want him acting like he’s actually my father. He is boring,” Vivian said.
Vivian was the party girl of the group. She and I had partied hard in my college days. Vivian and Chloe got along because they were both so blunt. Vivian was short, about four feet eleven. She wore designer glasses instead of contacts, and that gave her the sexy librarian look men seemed to love.
“Do you think Chris is boring?” Judy asked me.
“Sometimes,” I answered.
“The problem is you guys don’t do anything together. Instead of going to this club with Raheem, you should be going with Chris. We could’ve waited until he got home, and brought him with us,” Lindsey said.
“Chris doesn’t like clubs,” I replied.
“Yeah, and he said he hates seeing her when she gets drunk and stupid,” Chloe added.
“You have to explain to him that you want to share things you enjoy with him. You want him to know that you want to have these fun times and experiences together,” Lindsey said, not giving up.
I heard the concern and compassion in her voice. Lindsey understood why I did what I did, but I knew she wanted to see my marriage with Chris last.
“If you feel like you need to have other men to fill the void in your marriage, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your marriage,” Judy suggested.
I shook my head. “No. Chris is the man for me. I’m the one who is fucking up by cheating. I’ll stop eventually, but it’s going to take some time. Once Chris starts to do his part, I’ll speed up my efforts to stop.”
“What do you want from Chris?” Judy asked.
“I don’t feel appreciated. There’s no spontaneity in our relationship. We don’t have date nights anymore, and he doesn’t surprise me with flowers or things like that. I need romance. I need affection. Chris is dynamite in bed, but what I want goes deeper than sex. I want him to be move vocal and to tell me he loves me. I want him to be more affectionate, to kiss me in public, to hold my hand, but we never do anything I want to do. Like tonight I want to go dancing. If I asked him to go, he wouldn’t even consider it.”
Love and Happiness Page 3
