by Tara Sivec
She crosses her arms in front of her and shakes her head.
“I’m so tired, Everett. So tired of being sad and confused. Go home. Just please, if you really care about me like you claim to, just go home. I can’t do this. I thought I could, I thought I could suck it up for the camp, but I can’t. It hurts too much. It hurts so fucking much,” she cries, turning and walking away from me.
I stand here in the yard and watch her walk away, knowing there’s nothing I can say right now to make her understand. Nothing I can do to take her pain away, and no amount of wishes I could make that will change the past and make what I said inside the truth, instead of just a dream.
Chapter 14
Everett
Wishing in the past…
Twenty-eight years old
My eyes meet Cameron’s across the room and she gives me a small smile. Even though my nerves are shot and the dinner she made for me tonight is threatening to come right back up, I return her smile. I should be nervous that I’m getting on a plane tomorrow and being flown halfway across the world, but that’s the last thing on my mind right now. I just spent the last two years in an intense program—cramming three years of training into essentially two. Now I’m heading for my last official year of residency, but it’ll be in Ethiopia. It’s supposed to only be a year, but I know this is what I’m meant to do, and I started researching what I could do after I was finished with the program, and discovered Doctors Without Borders. I haven’t told Aiden or Cameron about this yet, though, since I don’t know if I could leave Cameron any longer than a year.
I’m ready to do this. I’m confident in my abilities and my training. What I’m not confident about right now is Cameron’s reaction to what I’m going to say to her.
I’ve pissed away every opportunity I’ve had to tell Cameron how I feel about her, even all the times over the last two years that I was able to come home and visit, and I know I’m the biggest asshole in the world for attempting it one more time, the day before I leave again. Am I really going to ask her to wait for me? To tell her I’ve loved her for as long as I can remember and I need to know she feels the same?
I am. Jesus Christ, I am.
She laughs at something Aiden says and the sound of her laughter hits me right in the gut like someone took a sledgehammer to it. He’s been particularly annoying lately with his flirting with Cameron, and I wonder if he knows how I feel about her and he’s doing it just to piss me off. Well, it’s working. After years of watching her date guys I didn’t know, didn’t give two shits about, and knew wouldn’t last, the thought of her being with Aiden makes me want to throw my fist through a wall.
Cameron filled the main house with all of my friends and the people I’ve met and become close to working part-time at the farm over the years, to give me a proper send-off tomorrow. I’ve been mingling and talking to everyone all evening, just biding my time until I can get Cameron alone. Knowing it’s going to be a while before that happens, I make my way out of the dining hall and toward the kitchen to see if her parents need any help cleaning up since I know they weren’t exactly thrilled about Cameron throwing this party for me tonight. Her mother has taken every opportunity she could to bring up other guys who are interested in Cameron and other guys she went out on dates with recently, like she knows what I’m about to do and is trying to remind me to keep my distance, but I’m not going to let it get to me. I need to do something to keep my mind busy so I stop thinking about what I’ll say to her and how she’ll react.
As I pass by all the pictures hanging on the wall, showing happy scenes of years past, I smile to myself even though it makes me sad knowing I’m going to miss out on making memories with everyone here at camp. But I know this next year will go by fast, and hopefully, I’ll have Cameron here waiting for me when I get home.
When I get to the kitchen, I hear Cameron’s parents talking and pause right outside the doorway.
“If Aiden doesn’t stop flirting with her, I’m going to put my fist through his face.”
I chuckle under my breath when I hear Cameron’s dad complain, voicing the same thoughts I’d just had.
“Honey, Cameron is twenty-two and an adult. You can’t threaten to beat up every man who wants her. And besides, Aiden is a wonderful young man who we already love like he’s our son,” her mother tells him.
“Shit. I know that. If I had to handpick anyone for our daughter, it would be Aiden. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it. She’s my little girl…” Eli trails off.
“Well, I don’t think Aiden is the one you have to worry about anyway,” Shelby muses.
I know I should walk through the door and make my presence known, but something keeps my feet rooted in place.
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about Everett. You’d have to be blind not to see how he’s always looking at her.”
“Bullshit.”
“I love you, Eli, but sometimes you are really clueless. That boy has been in love with her for a long time.”
“He’s not good enough for her. Would it kill the guy to smile every once in a while? If Cameron’s going to be with anyone, it should be someone who makes her happy, not someone she exhausts herself trying to fix.”
“I know, but Eli…”
“Don’t even start, Shelby. I don’t want to hear it. He’s not good enough, and he never will be. End of story.”
I start moving backward, away from the kitchen, not wanting to hear anything else. All of my fears and doubts and the main reason why I’ve waited so long to tell Cameron how I felt about her have just been thrown back in my face, by a man I’ve always looked up to and respected. I always suspected he felt this way, and most times I was able to brush it off, but hearing the words right from his mouth…I feel like a fool. I feel like an idiot, knowing just how right he is. Who the hell am I to think I’m good enough for someone like Cameron? A man from a broken home, who’s getting ready to go to a third world country, with nothing to offer her but a life of worry and waiting and wondering when I’ll come back home to her. It’s not good enough for someone like Cameron. Eli is right, I’M not good enough for someone like Cameron, so beautiful and sweet and perfect. I would do nothing but taint that beauty and perfection.
I’m still backing away, lost in my thoughts, when I bump into something. I hear Cameron’s soft laughter as I turn around to find her smiling up at me.
She’s standing so close to me that I can feel the heat from her skin and it warms everything cold inside of me. I want to stand here forever, wrap my arms around her, pull her close, and let her chase away all of my doubts, but I can’t.
“Hey. You okay?” she asks softly, cocking her head to the side as she continues looking up at me.
I take a step back from her before I lose whatever will I have left to keep my hands off of her.
“I’m good. Fine. Just thinking about tomorrow.”
The lie comes easily and I immediately feel bad about it when her smile falls and her face fills with worry.
“Come on. Let’s go for a walk.”
She grabs my hand and I force myself not to pull away. Her fingers intertwine with mine as she tugs me toward the door and I let myself enjoy the feel of her small, soft hand inside of mine for the few minutes it takes us to walk down the hall and outside onto the porch.
She drops my hand when we get to the railing that overlooks the property, turning away from me to rest her palms on top of the wood as she stares out over the yard. I stare at her profile, memorizing every detail, wishing I could be a different man. A man with a better past who had a better family. A man who could make her happy. Someone worthy of this amazing woman standing in front of me.
“Everything’s going to be fine. YOU’RE going to be fine. You’re going to go over there, learn as much as you can, help as many people as you can, and come home safely.”
I listen to the quiet cadence of her voice, knowing she’s saying these things to convince herself o
f their truth more than me, and it reaffirms my decision to forget about everything I planned on saying to her tonight. She doesn’t deserve this. Even if by some miracle she feels the same about me, I can’t do this to her. I can’t make her put her life on hold for me.
She suddenly turns back to face me and catches me staring at her. Our eyes meet, and as much as I want to look away, I can’t.
“Aiden asked me out.”
Her words are like a knife to the heart, but they don’t surprise me.
She laughs and rolls her eyes.
“I mean, he’s joked about it for years, but he was serious this time. Dead serious. Can you believe that?”
I’m afraid to open my mouth, so I just quietly nod. I hate everything about this moment and I want to pretend like it’s not really happening, but I can’t. As much as I want to curl up and die, Aiden is still my best friend, and I’d never stop him from getting what he wants, even if it’s the same thing I’ve been wanting for as long as I can remember. I don’t know why I’ve never told Aiden how I felt about Cameron. Maybe a part of me thought if I said it out loud, if I admitted to someone else how I felt, it would make it more real. And if it’s real, it can be taken away from you. It was a stupid way to think, especially knowing that Aiden would have never asked her out if he knew how I felt. And now it’s being taken away from me anyway, even before it was truly mine to have.
Aiden is clearly the better choice. He’s here, he has a stable, well-paying job, he’s not going to disappear for months at a time, Cameron’s parents love him…and he’s good enough for her. Better than good enough. He’ll make her happy and she’ll never exhaust herself trying to fix him.
I slide my hands into the front pockets of my jeans so that I can’t grab on to Cameron’s arms and pull her against me, beg her to wait for me, and try to convince her I’m worth it, when I know I’m not.
She pushes away from the railing and moves right up to me until we’re toe to toe. I watch her throat bob as she swallows, mesmerized by the way her tongue darts out to lick her lips nervously.
“Can you give me any reason why I shouldn’t say yes to him?” she whispers.
She throws almost the same words back at me that I said to her two years ago when I was starting my residency, trying to feel her out and see if there was something there between us, or if it was just my imagination. And like an idiot, I start to second-guess everything I’m thinking. I start to wonder if she’s asking me this because she feels something more than friendship between us, but I know it’s not true. She’s just nervous. She’s just scared because things are going to change. I’m not always going to be here, following her around like a puppy, wishing on stars that she’ll someday feel the same.
I want to hold her in my arms and kiss her. I want to show her all of the reasons why she shouldn’t say yes to Aiden, but I can’t. The only reason I can give her is because I’m so desperately in love with her I can’t think straight. But it’s not good enough, and it never will be.
“Nope. Not one reason why you shouldn’t say yes. Aiden is perfect for you. I’m sure you two will be very happy together. If not, it sounds like you’ve got a long line of men your mother approves of to take up where he left off.”
I have to fight to put a smile on my face even though the words coming out of my mouth are complete bullshit and I want to take them back as soon as I see the hurt and sadness in her eyes. I shouldn’t have been so cold. I shouldn’t have been such a prick, and I know all I’m doing right now is proving her dad right, even though I’ve tried so hard to change.
If you love something, set it free. Isn’t that what they always say?
Cameron will never come back to me, though, because she was never meant to be mine. She was just a stupid wish on a handful of stupid stars, and as she turns away from me and walks back into the house without another word, I let her go, and watch the dream of her disappear right in front of my eyes.
Chapter 15
Cameron
Swiping away the tears that won’t seem to stop falling, I lean down and rest my elbows on the wooden fence in front of me. After I stormed away from Everett a few hours ago, I kept walking and crying, hurting and feeling so lost that I didn’t even realize how far I’d walked until I found myself a few acres away, at the far end of the fenced-off grazing area for the horses. For the first time in my life, I didn’t put the needs of this camp first and that just makes me cry even harder. I might have just screwed up everything my parents built by sending Everett away, but I couldn’t be around him for another minute, keeping up with this stupid farce, without losing myself completely in the process.
Who am I kidding? I lost myself a long time ago, and having Everett here again just highlighted that fact. Being around the campers didn’t make me happy, organizing the charity dinner didn’t make me happy, being in charge of something I’m so incredibly proud to be a part of didn’t make me happy. All the things that used to give me purpose and used to make me feel alive just felt stagnant and flat. I attributed this to Aiden’s death, but standing here now, looking out at the plantation I grew up on and thinking about all of the memories I’ve made here, I realize I’ve felt this way for a lot longer. Four-and-a-half years, to be exact. I haven’t felt like myself and I haven’t been able to figure out how to be happy again since Everett left.
I hate him for ruining all of this for me.
I hate him for making it impossible for me to forgive him.
I hate him for tainting every good memory I have of this place, replacing it with sadness that he wasn’t here the last few years with me to make new memories.
I hate that I can’t just let go of my hurt and anger and let him help me save the camp.
I hate that I can’t pretend as easily as he can.
“I just left Everett at home, slamming cupboards and muttering a whole bunch of fun curse words. How mad are you at me right now?”
The voice behind me makes me jump and whirl around.
“Like, throw a punch at me mad, or just scream at me and call me horrible names mad?”
I laugh through my tears even though nothing about my situation right now is funny, staring at a man who can always make me smile.
“I’m not going to punch you, Jason.”
He lets out a deep sigh of relief, moving to stand next to me as he slides one hand through his hair on top of his head, just like his brother does when he’s nervous or frustrated.
Why couldn’t I have fallen in love with THIS brother? It would have been so much easier.
No matter how much or how little time we spend together, we’ve always been able to laugh easily with each other. It never feels like a job trying to make Jason smile. He’s never let me down or disappointed me, unlike his brother.
“I really, really want to punch you, but I like you too much to ruin that pretty face of yours,” I reassure him with a smile as we both turn to stare at the horses, which have been let out into the pasture for one last time before they get locked up into the stables for the night.
Jason laughs, removing one hand from his pocket to reach up and give my shoulder a squeeze.
“I do have a really pretty face. Especially since I own a razor, unlike my brother.”
I close my eyes at his mention of Everett, his face floating through my mind and the destroyed look on it when I told him to go home. Along with the look in his eyes when he was spouting all that bullshit for Stratford’s benefit. Bullshit that I fed into and allowed myself to pretend for a few minutes was real, allowed myself to be transported back in time when I was so crazy in love with him that hearing those words would have had me kicking Stratford out of the room and climbing onto his lap. And then he had to go and ruin it all with his announcement of how long he’s been home. Just like always, I’m reminded of how loving that man brought me nothing but pain. And obviously being friends with him again would produce the same result.
“You should have told me he was home,” I whisper, my throat tighteni
ng and my eyes stinging with tears all over again. “Nine months, Jason. He’s been home for nine months and you didn’t say anything. Why?”
I look away from the horses to stare at his profile. A muscle ticks in his jaw as he grinds his teeth together, probably trying to come up with a plausible excuse for keeping something like this from me. Strong jaw, full lips, a mess of unruly hair on top of his head, the same dark brown color as Everett’s. That’s where the similarities end. Jason is always in a good mood, always smiling and happy no matter what he’s doing. He was never affected by his childhood the way Everett was. He never needed someone to fix him, because he was never broken.
“How many years have you worked here?” he suddenly asks, finally turning to look at me.
“Um, since I was a teenager, which you already know.”
It’s a stupid question, and one that confuses me. Even though Jason and I have never been super close—like Everett, Aiden, and I were—we were still friends. He never needed the comfort of this camp growing up like Everett did, but he still hung out here from time to time, and he stops by all the time when I need his help fixing things, or just to hang out with me, or other people here at camp that he’s become friends with over the years. He knows everything about my life and what I do here. He knows exactly how long I’ve worked here.
“Technically, all your life, since you live here,” he adds.
“Yes,” I tell him, trying to keep the annoyance out of my voice.
He turns to face me, crossing his arms over his chest and tilting his head to the side.
“And in all that time, you’ve spent countless hours working with families and helping children cope, when their loved one came home from deployment and couldn’t quite get a handle on the reality of not being in a war zone anymore,” he states, his voice growing softer.
My shoulders start to drop and all the tightness in my body from my irritation with him beating around the bush rushes out of me so quickly that I almost feel light-headed.
