by Nikki Ash
I follow Hazel around, keeping my distance, since she’s going through this stage where she wants to be independent, but close enough that if something happens I’m right here.
There are a few other people at the park today, and Hazel makes a friend with a little girl who’s playing in the sand with her sand toys. She runs to the stroller to grab her own sand toys and plops down next to the girl to play.
I smile over at the mom, wondering if maybe I should befriend her, but before I can go over and introduce myself, a woman steps in front of me.
She has jet-black hair and bright blue eyes. Her makeup is on the heavy side and she’s dressed like she’s going out to a club instead of to a park.
At first, I think she’s just walking by, so I move to the right so I can see Hazel again, but she steps with me. “Can I help you?” I ask, moving slightly again so my daughter stays in my line of sight.
“I’m hoping so,” she says. “My name is Victoria and that little girl is my daughter.” She glances back at Hazel, and my hackles rise. Maybe it’s the fact that I just lost a baby, or that she has the nerve to call her her daughter, but her attitude doesn’t sit right with me.
“Actually, she’s my daughter,” I point out. “Just like Chase is my husband.” Chase had told me she came by the fire station, begging him to take her back, for them to be a family again.
She clears her throat. “I’m sorry,” she says softly. “That came out wrong. Can we please start again?”
“Or we don’t have to start at all. Did you follow me here?” I look around to make sure there are still other people around.
“I did, but only because Chase won’t talk to me. He blocked me and—”
“Can you blame him?” I ask, cutting her off. “You hid your pregnancy from him, tried to raise her as someone else’s daughter, and only when he found out and you were going to lose him, did you tell Chase, by dropping her off at the fire station, where I found her bawling her eyes out all alone.”
Victoria’s face falls. “I was on drugs. I can’t change what I did, but that’s not who I am. I’ve been clean for almost six months now.”
“And now that you’re clean and your man won’t take you back, you want Chase and Hazel?” I might hate confrontation and avoid it at all costs, but until now I never had any reason to fight. Chase and Hazel, they’re my reasons to fight.
“No, I thought if I could get him back, he would let me see my—Hazel.” Her eyes drop slightly. “I messed up… bad. But I miss her so much. And I know you adopted her… I’m just asking to see her, spend some time with her.” Her tear-filled eyes meet mine. “I love her so much.”
Just as I’m about to tell her this is between her and Chase, Hazel comes running over. “Mama!” she yells through tears. “Sand. Ouchy.” She rubs her eyes, and I lift her into my arms. I carry her over to the table and grab a washcloth from the diaper bag, pouring some water onto it.
“Ouchy,” she repeats.
“Don’t touch it,” I tell her, padding her eyes gently with the washcloth.
“Ouchy.”
“I know, pretty girl.” I sit her on top of the picnic table and wipe her eyes one more time. She looks up at me and blinks slowly, a small watery smile creeping up on her face.
“Better?”
“Yes. I hungry!” The word comes out like ungry.
“Aunt Lexi will be here soon with Abigail and then we’ll eat lunch.”
“Okay.” Her beautiful smile widens and then her eyes go past me… to Victoria. I wait with bated breath for her to remember her. It’s only been six months since she dropped her off, and she spent the first ten months of her life with her. Her top lip curls up into a shy smile and her hands lift for me to pick her up. I expect Victoria to say something, to tell Hazel who she is, but she doesn’t.
“She’s so beautiful,” she chokes out. “Is she okay?” She’s referring to the herniated belly button that was still healing when we found her.
“She’s perfect.”
Victoria nods. “I know right now isn’t a good time to talk, not in front of her, but could we please talk? Mother to mother?”
Her words are like a knife straight through my heart. She’s Hazel’s biological mother. She gave birth to her. Her blood runs through her veins. I’m only her mother legally. And the baby that was growing in me… I lost.
But she doesn’t know that, so when she says that, she’s referring to the both of us being Hazel’s mother. And in a weird way I respect her for saying that. Do I think she deserves the title of Mom? No. But she could’ve easily disregarded me as Hazel’s mother as well.
“Hazel goes down for a nap at two o’clock. If you want to give me your phone number, I can call you.”
She sighs in relief. “Thank you.”
After giving me her number, she reluctantly leaves just as Lexi is walking up with Aiden and Abigail. “Who was that?” she asks, obviously having seen me talking to her.
“Chase’s ex-wife.”
Her brows shoot up to her forehead. “Hazel’s…”
“Biological mom, yeah.”
“What the hell did she want?”
“To see Hazel.”
Lexi curses under her breath.
“Hey, Aiden, how are you?” I ask, changing the subject.
“Hi, Lexi’s sister,” he says back. “I’m hungry. Lexi brought me tacos.” He holds up his bag.
“Tacos sound good.”
“They are good,” he says back. “Lexi, where do I sit?”
“On the blanket,” she says, setting Abigail down so she can lay the blanket on the grass. I grab the cooler, and we sit on the blanket with the girls, getting their food ready, while Aiden eats his tacos and tells me about the gallery and all the painting he’s doing.
“I have a new friend,” he says. “Her name is Melanie and she paints.”
Lexi grins and whispers, “She’s his special friend.”
“That’s nice,” I tell him, ignoring Lexi. “Does she paint at the gallery?”
“Yes, and she likes tacos.”
“Her mom is the artist we’re featuring this month. Melanie is the same age as Aiden and works with her mom. She’s autistic like Aiden. They hit it off and have been inseparable.”
“That’s so sweet.”
“It is. She asked him to come over and he actually agreed. I’m going to go with him, though, just to make sure he’s comfortable.”
“I’m done,” Aiden announces. “Can Baby Abigail and I go play now?”
Abigail jumps up and grabs Aiden’s hand. “I go play.” She recently turned one and is now walking.
“Me too!” Hazel adds.
“Go ahead,” Lexi says, picking up all the garbage and stuffing it into a bag. I shake out the blanket and fold it up, while she finishes cleaning up, and then we join them over by the slides. Aiden is standing at the bottom, while the girls take turns sliding down. He catches them every time, and then tickles them, making them squeal.
“Again!” Abigail yells, sliding down so Aiden can catch her.
“Be careful,” he says when he sets her down and she toddles over to the steps. “Walk, Baby Abigail.”
Lexi and I laugh at that. “I think he’ll always call her Baby Abigail.”
“Probably,” she agrees. “Speaking of babies… How are you?”
“I’m okay. The bleeding stopped. The doctor said we can try again after I get my period.”
“Are you going to?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. “I think Hazel is enough for right now.”
“Because you’re scared?” she asks, calling me out.
“Maybe.”
“What are you scared of?”
“For one, losing another baby.” I glance at her. “But also, my first thought when I found out I miscarried was, what if I can’t have a baby of my own? What if there’s something wrong with my body and I can’t give Chase a baby that’s part me and part him? And that made me feel guilty because in
my eyes, Hazel is my own.”
“You’re human,” Lexi says, “and your fears are normal, but you know firsthand that it’s possible for a parents’ love to be unconditional, even if they aren’t biologically related to you.”
Lexi’s right. Lexi and I aren’t biologically related, but you’d never know it. Tristan is my adopted father, but to me he’s my dad. And my mom isn’t Lexi’s bio mom, but she loves her as if she’s her real mom. I hope one day when Hazel learns that I’m not her biological mom, she’ll still love me the same.
“Do you ever wish your bio mom had come to see you?”
Lexi takes a deep breath. “She was a druggy and she never once stopped long enough to try to see me, so no, I don’t.” Her gaze swings over to me. “Don’t tell me you’re considering letting Victoria see Hazel.”
“She’s clean, has been for several months.”
“So what? She gave her up.”
“Because she was on drugs. You said it yourself. Your mom never once stopped doing drugs long enough to see you, but what if she did? What if she had gotten sober and wanted to see you?”
Lexi shakes her head. “I don’t know. Drugs ended up killing her. Maybe it was for the best I never knew her.”
We play with the kids, until they’re both wiped out, and then Lexi heads out and Hazel and I walk home. She falls asleep in her stroller, and I leave her in it for her nap, knowing if I move her, she’ll wake up and won’t go back to sleep.
I stare at Victoria’s number for several long minutes before I give in and call her. “Hello,” she says, picking up on the second ring.
“Hi, it’s Georgia.”
“Oh, hey, I was hoping you would call.”
“I need to know what it is exactly you want,” I tell her, getting straight to the point.
“To see Hazel. To be in her life in some way. I’m just asking for a chance to prove that I can be clean and in her life.”
My thoughts go back to Lexi… She didn’t get that chance because her mom never stopped doing drugs long enough to want her.
“I’ll speak to Chase and let you know.”
“You told her, what?” Chase yells, making me jump. “What the hell were you thinking?” He’s never yelled at me. Not once—but we’ve also never fought. But he’s yelling now, and I don’t like that. Memories from when I was little surface. My dad yelling at me, getting in my face, and then slamming the door closed. Me banging on the door and begging for my mom.
I shrink back, unable to have a conversation with him if he’s going to yell. He must realize what he’s done because he takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”
“No, you shouldn’t have.” I hit him with a hard glare, making it clear I’m dead serious. “Please don’t do that again.”
He nods and drops down onto the couch. “Georgia, you can’t save the damn world, especially my ex-wife.”
“I’m not trying to save the world.” I sit next to him. “But the fact of the matter is, she gave birth to her, and when she was on drugs, instead of doing wrong by her, she gave her up, and now she’s clean and wants another chance. And if I were in her position—”
“You would never be in her position. You can’t even compare yourself to her.”
“You never know what the future holds. Anything can happen, and I’d hope if I messed up and then tried to make things right, I’d be given a second chance.”
Chase snorts humorlessly. “You’re so fucking naïve. This world isn’t perfect. It’s not filled with rainbows and unicorns.” He grabs Hazel’s stuffed unicorn and tosses it to the side. “You just don’t get it, and I’m glad you don’t. It means you’ve lived a life without any hardship, and I would give anything to be able to say I’ve lived a life like that. But what you need to understand is that the big, bad, cruel fucking world is going to eat you alive if you don’t recognize that outside your four walls everything is not perfect.”
“I’m pretty sure there’s a dig in there somewhere.” I stand, refusing to continue this conversation.
“It’s not a dig, it’s reality.”
“Okay, well, I’m just going to take my reality elsewhere because I don’t want to fight with you.”
Chase’s brows fly up to his forehead. “You’re leaving?”
“I’m going for a walk.”
He sighs. “Fuck, butterfly.” He shakes his head. “Don’t go, please.”
“I don’t want to fight. Maybe it makes me naïve or sheltered, but I want to believe the good in people. Lexi’s mom never changed. Drugs are what killed her. But Victoria is trying to change and I want to give her the benefit of the doubt.”
“And I think that’s great you want to see the good in the world, in her, but I’m trying to protect my daughter.”
His words are a slap to my face. His daughter… like she’s not mine. Because she isn’t my blood. My baby, my flesh and blood, died before he or she was ever born.
“Your daughter… Right.” I nod once.
Chase’s face falls, understanding what he’s just done, but it’s too late.
Without saying another word, I grab my keys from the counter and leave. Chase runs after me. “Baby, please don’t go.”
“I have to,” I tell him. “Because if I don’t, things will be said… more things will be said. And words are powerful and can’t be taken back once they’re spoken.”
Once I’m in my car, I drive to the closest parking lot and park. I cover my face in my hands and then I cry. I know a part of me is overemotional because of the miscarriage. My hormones are all over the place. But another part of me is hurt by what he said. The accusations he flung at me.
When my phone rings and it shows it’s my dad, I pull myself together and answer.
“Where are you?”
“Like you don’t know.” I laugh. We have a tracking app on all our phones. “Chase called you?”
“He’s worried. You’ve been through a lot recently and you took off.”
“Then he should’ve thought about that when he was yelling at me and telling me how naïve I am.”
Dad sighs. “Why don’t you come home and we’ll talk?”
“Okay.”
A few minutes later, I pull up in my parents’ driveway. Dad is sitting outside on the porch swing, drinking a beer. I sit down next to him, and he stretches his arm out behind my shoulders, pulling me closer to him. My head drops onto his shoulder and more tears fall. He doesn’t say a word, just lets me cry it out until the tears finally stop falling.
“Chase said you want to give Victoria a chance to be in Hazel’s life?”
I sit up and nod. “He doesn’t agree. It’s like he believes if someone messes up they should be given a life sentence.”
Dad frowns. “Or he’s given her a lot of chances and knows how giving her another chance will end.”
“You’re talking about Lexi’s mom, Gina…”
“She wasn’t her mom,” he says flatly. “She gave birth to her, but she chose drugs over her. Walked away and never looked back.”
“But Victoria did look back. She went to rehab and got better. If Gina had gotten better and wanted another chance, would you have given her one?”
Dad releases a harsh breath and meets my eyes. “At first, yes. I had hoped she would come around, especially when Lexi was little and I was exhausted and confused and lost as hell. I didn’t think I was enough. But as the years went on and her drug addiction continued, I wished for her to die.”
I gasp in shock. “What?” How could my sweet, caring father wish for anyone to die?
“If she died, it would mean she couldn’t be a part of Lexi’s life instead of just choosing not to be. It broke my heart that the mother of my daughter didn’t want her, and I never wanted to have to tell her that.”
My heart sinks. He didn’t want her to die because he’s cruel. He wanted to protect Lexi from having her heart broken. Because that’s what a good parent does… protects their child. Whic
h is what Chase is trying to do. So why am I pushing so hard for Victoria to see Hazel?
“I’m afraid,” I admit, just as I spot Chase driving up the drive. He gets out of his vehicle and then takes Hazel out. Without stopping, he walks inside, and then a minute later, walks back out.
“I couldn’t stay away,” he says, leaning against the railing. “We’re in this together.”
I nod.
“Georgia was just about to tell me why she’s afraid,” Dad says, standing. “I’ll leave you two to talk while I go play with my granddaughter.” It warms my heart that my parents so easily accepted Hazel as part of our family. He bends over and kisses my forehead. “I love you, sweetheart.”
“Afraid of what?” Chase asks once my dad has gone inside.
“I’m afraid that one day when Hazel is older, if we keep her away from her mom, she’s going to ask about her and we’ll have to tell her she tried to see her and we wouldn’t let her, and I don’t know if I can live with that. I know there’s a chance she might fall off the wagon again, and if that happens then we know we tried and she made her choice. But people make mistakes and sometimes they just need another chance. I want to be able to tell Hazel that we gave Victoria the opportunity to be in her life. I want to teach her to have compassion for others and their situations, to give second chances. If that makes me naïve then so be it.” I shrug. “But as you pointed out, she’s your daughter and it’s your choice.”
Chase shakes his head. “When I said she was my daughter, it wasn’t a dig at you. I just said it without thinking. When I made the decision for you to adopt her, I took that seriously. She’s ours in every way that matters, and I promise you I will never imply again that she’s not.”
“Thank you. So where do we go from here?”
“We do it your way,” he says. “We give her one more chance, but I need you to promise me if she fucks up, we’re done. I don’t want this to become a thing. I want to live my life with you and our daughter and whatever children we have in the future, and I don’t want Victoria’s shit to interfere.”
