And do you know what I felt as I walked out of the room, Bella? I felt relief. Relief that I hadn’t had to introduce myself, relief that I hadn’t been forced to make small talk in the manner of speed dating, and relief that I hadn’t had to face the awkwardness of asking for a virtual stranger’s phone number before I said goodbye. I knew that making friends that day would’ve been a forward step in our lives, but I just couldn’t do it.
I just wasn’t ready.
Love from Mummy x
*
‘Can’t you reschedule it?’ Deena’s message read as it pinged through to Jessica’s phone as she was applying her lipstick in the mirror. She was meeting Wendy for drinks in Blackheath in twenty minutes and her cab was on its way. After pursing her lips and admiring her handiwork (terrible, but it would be dark in the wine bar so perhaps Wendy wouldn’t notice), she picked up her phone, read the message, and sighed before she texted back:
I really can’t. Wendy lives in Crystal Palace and will already be on her way.
Deena’s message pinged back instantly.
Wendy?
Jessica paused before replying. Admitting to Deena that she was prioritising a blogger she barely knew was awkward, especially given how worried they’d all been about Mel recently, but she couldn’t let Wendy down at the last minute. She was her first friend in blogging. And while Mel had messaged them all to say she needed to chat that evening, she knew the other girls would be there for her. If it was anything important, they would pick up their phones and let her know – and in return, Jessica could make her excuses and run.
She’s a blogger friend. I’m really sorry Deena, I just can’t cancel tonight. But can you call and let me know that she’s OK?
Jessica stared at her phone and waited for her reply, but nothing came. Distracted by the sound of a horn outside on the road, she threw the phone into her bag, ran to the sofa to kiss Chris on the lips (already glued to the television, with a bottle of beer in his hands), and ran outside to climb into the cab.
It was Saturday evening and the roads were busy as they wound their way towards Blackheath. With the sun still shining brightly, the heath was busy. Dogs bounded after balls, groups of friends sat around swigging beer from plastic pint glasses, and children chased each other across the lawns. Jessica watched as the summery scene flashed past her window.
She had tried her best to shut the incident with Tiggy out of her mind since the launch a few weeks ago, finding it easier than replaying the conversation over and over again in her mind. After cooling off, she knew there was some truth in what Chris had said to her that lunchtime in the cafe. She had let things get to her. Blogging had seeped into her mind and made her feel far more vulnerable, so she’d tried her best to slow down. She’d only published one letter, tried to check her social media feed less frequently, and spent more time with Bella, with Chris, and with her friends. She felt better, but with the announcement of the awards shortlist looming in the coming days, she could feel the nerves starting to build again.
‘That’ll be twelve quid, love,’ the driver said, turning to Jessica from the front of the cab.
She jumped, suddenly aware that they had pulled up next to Little Sorrento – one of her favourite wine bars in the village and where she’d suggested meeting Wendy. Pulling her wallet from her bag, she grabbed a note and a few coins and paid him, climbing out of the cab as an impatient driver behind beeped to move past.
‘Oh, fuck off,’ she muttered under her breath, as she shot a glare at the driver and strolled through the doors of the wine bar.
As the door swung closed behind her, the sound of a small bell rang out, and Wendy, who was standing at the bar, turned towards her.
‘Hello, hello!’ she said, rushing towards her and planting a kiss on each of her cheeks. ‘Lovely to see you again! Especially without the small people in tow!’
The wine bar was small and quite dark, with lanterns lined up on the bar housing flickering candles. It was quiet for this time on a Saturday, as most people were still in pub gardens or enjoying the heath, but there was something about this place that Jessica loved.
‘Wow, you look amazing!’ Jessica said smiling, admiring the glossy black curls bouncing on her shoulders, expertly drawn eyeliner flicks, pillar box red lipstick, and a white flared jumpsuit that looked fantastic against her dark skin.
‘We scrub up alright when the kids are in bed!’ Wendy replied, accompanied by a laugh. ‘Come on, do you want some wine?’
They turned towards the bar, where Wendy had secured two stools and had a glass of red already on the go. ‘A glass of Pinot Grigio for me, please?’ she said to the barman as she tried her best to gracefully wiggle her bum onto the stool.
‘And here is your goody bag!’ Wendy said, pointing to a bag at her feet.
‘Oh Jesus, it’s massive. Did you just carry that on the train?’ Jessica asked, feeling guilty.
‘No girl, Jason dropped me. Adeline and Dylan are on a sleepover with Granny tonight and he practically had to drive past to drop them. I’m already on my second glass, chin chin,’ she said, raising the wine glass. ‘And don’t forget that bag at the end of the night as there’s a shopping voucher in there too – and they were quite generous…’
Jessica raised her eyebrows in surprise, just as her glass of wine was placed in front of her by the barman. ‘Thanks Wendy, that’s really kind,’ she said, as she took her first sip.
‘So now we’re on the subject,’ Wendy started, ‘you haven’t been letting the attitude of “Queen Bee” Tiggy put you off blogging, have you? I know what it’s like to be the newbie…’
‘Ah no,’ Jessica said, looking down at her nails. ‘I mean, well, not really.’
‘Well, that’s good,’ Wendy replied. ‘And if it helps at all, I think I know why she was so off with you the other day…’
‘Really?’ Jessica asked, looking up to meet Wendy’s eyes. ‘I assume it’s because I’m too lowly a blogger to converse with?’
‘Well no, probably the opposite actually,’ Wendy said, raising her eyebrows.
Jessica frowned. ‘How exactly?’
‘You’re on the new Mama & Me campaign, right?’ Wendy asked.
‘Yes,’ Jessica replied, blushing.
‘It’s a great campaign, girl! Congrats!’ Wendy said, clinking her glass against Jessica’s.
‘Thank you,’ Jessica replied. ‘Bella and I have got the shoot for it next week and I’m really nervous, to be honest. But what’s it got to do with Tiggy?’
‘Well, that was her gig,’ Wendy said, pausing to let it sink in. ‘She’s been on that campaign since the beginning, every year without fail. But this year, she was ditched.’
‘Oh.’ Jessica said, exhaling loudly and shaking her head in realisation. ‘And I replaced her?’
‘Yes. They said they were going to change it all up, bring in several new faces, and let a few of the original team go. But when it came down to it, they only got rid of one,’ Wendy explained.
‘Tiggy,’ Jessica said
‘Exactly. And you replaced her,’ Wendy replied. ‘The only new face on the team.’
Jessica shook her head, letting it all sink in. She didn’t know what to say.
‘I heard on the grapevine that she didn’t even find out until they announced the new team on their social feed,’ Wendy continued. ‘Which must have been a pretty big kick in the teeth.’
‘Oh God,’ Jessica said, swallowing. ‘I feel terrible.’
‘No, stop! Don’t feel terrible! This is how blogging works! You win campaigns and you lose campaigns. Running a blog is like running a business – and there are as many rejections as invitations along the way, believe me,’ Wendy said, smiling at her.
‘It makes sense now. The announcement of the Mama & Me team came a few days before that launch, so she would’ve seen it just before we met…’ Jess said, thinking out loud.
‘But it doesn’t excuse the way she spoke to you,’ Wendy added, shaking
her head. ‘And between you and me, she’s got form…’
‘How do you mean?’ Jessica snapped back.
‘The first year that Tiggy was nominated at the Blog Network Awards was 2015. There weren’t so many of us blogging back then and she had been doing really well, so nobody was surprised to see her name make the list. Her social media numbers and subscribers had suddenly gone batshit mental.’
Jessica nodded, swirling her wine in its glass as she listened.
‘But a young mummy blogger had appeared on the scene a few months beforehand, after a few posts went viral on social media,’ Wendy continued. ‘She blogged in a different way to everybody else on that list, telling her readers about motherhood in a really honest way. She blogged about baby poo, about finding it all pretty tough, and about enjoying a glass of wine in the evening when she finally got her baby to bed.’
‘And she was nominated too?’ Jessica asked.
Wendy nodded. ‘Yep. That was the same year that the team at the Blog Network Awards decided to add a new, up-and-coming blogger to every category.’
Jessica nodded, feeling like everything was finally making sense. ‘And how did the other bloggers take it?’ she asked. ‘Her name being on the list?’
‘Well, not brilliantly,’ Wendy said, catching the barman’s eye and smiling. ‘One more of these please? It’s the Shiraz.’ They both watched as the barman poured the wine in silence and after she’d taken the glass, Wendy continued. ‘I guess a lot of the most popular bloggers at the time felt a bit threatened by this new style of blogging and the fact it was getting so much attention. But still, this young blogger, who only had one baby at the time and wasn’t exactly confident about either blogging or motherhood, tried her best to integrate herself. Most people were a bit indifferent to her and left her to it. But there was one that was especially unfriendly.’
‘Tiggy?’ asked Jessica.
‘Exactly,’ Wendy replied. ‘She wrote a blog post about the award nomination, with lots of smiley pictures of her and the kids. At the end, she recapped the list of other nominated bloggers and gave a line about why they were brilliant too. On the surface, it looked like the loveliest, most supportive post. But the truth was that she’d left one out.’
‘The new blogger?’ said Jessica. ‘Wow.’
‘Exactly… She thought it must be a mistake at first and approached her at a pre-awards event, hoping to share a drink and have a laugh about it. But as she walked up to her, Tiggy turned away and walked off. Again, she assumed it was just a misunderstanding and tried to break the ice later on. But as she approached the second time, Tiggy turned to her and said very quietly: “I’m sorry, I really don’t know who you are, but I am busy and would prefer to chat to my friends.” And that was that!’
Jessica shook her head and raised her eyebrows. ‘And did she win?’
‘The new blogger?’ replied Wendy. ‘No. It went to a Daddy blogger that year. I’m not sure Tiggy was ever expecting to win it, as it was the first year she was nominated too, but she certainly didn’t want that young blogger to get it either.’
‘I don’t know if all this information makes me feel better or worse,’ Jessica said, staring into her wine glass. ‘But how do you know about it all?’
‘Well,’ said Wendy, taking a large gulp of wine. ‘That new blogger was me.’
Jessica’s eyes snapped up. ‘What? But how? You and Tiggy are friends, aren’t you?’
‘Well no, not really. But she respects me,’ Wendy replied.
‘So, what changed?’ she asked. ‘How did you get to the point of chatting like buddies at a press launch?’
‘I stood up to her,’ Wendy said, smiling. ‘I was invited to a dinner shortly after that awards ceremony and they put me next to her. That was torture for Tiggy because she couldn’t escape or make a scene at the table without everybody hearing. So, I forced her to have a conversation with me and when she tried to turn away, I told her that I wasn’t going anywhere, I deserved my spot on that nomination list, and she might as well start accepting it.’
‘That was brave,’ Jessica said.
‘No, that was four vodka sodas before we sat down for dinner!’ Wendy replied, raising her eyebrows.
Jessica laughed loudly.
‘But honestly, I think this is part of the problem with blogging. And you’ll have to excuse me for getting all deep, because I’ve probably already had too much Shiraz – but the problem is that we think the person in the photos and behind the blog posts is as confident as their smile or their words communicate. But actually, we all suffer from the same shitty moments when we feel like death, the baby hasn’t slept properly, and we compare ourselves to everyone else.’
‘So, what are you saying?’ Jessica asked. ‘That Tiggy is human, after all?’
‘Yes,’ Wendy replied. ‘She is – not that she’d want you to know it. Maybe she found out that she’d been ditched from that campaign when she was having a really shit day with the kids and feeling massively low in confidence for some reason. And maybe she’s worried you’ll go on to win that award, which would totally validate the brand’s decision to bring you in and replace her.’
Jessica smiled uncomfortably and sipped her wine.
‘Look girl, I’m not telling you that she’s a wonderful human. She probably isn’t! Definitely isn’t! None of us are! I’m just saying that she clearly feels threatened by you and doesn’t know how to deal with it. And do you want to know how I’d personally feel about that, knowing what I do now?’ Wendy asked.
‘Go on.’
‘I’d be flattered,’ Wendy said with a smile.
Jessica frowned.
‘I know it sounds nuts, but if she thought you were a nobody, she wouldn’t bother. I think you’ve got a really good chance of winning that award – and to treat you like that, Tiggy must do too.’
Knots twisted in Jessica’s stomach as she allowed herself to imagine her name would be on the award shortlist for a moment, but no sooner had she let the thought creep into her mind, then she shut it out again. She didn’t want to set herself up for a fall, especially since realising how vulnerable blogging had made her feel. So instead, she steered the conversation to Wendy, asking more about how she got into blogging and what she’d seen change over the years. And for the next hour, they chatted happily as they sipped their wine and tucked into bowls of dry roasted peanuts and stuffed olives.
‘I’m just popping to the bathroom,’ Wendy said. ‘Shall we have one more for the road when I get back?’
‘Excellent idea,’ Jessica replied, reaching into her bag to check the time on her phone.
And that was the moment that she remembered that Deena and Henny were heading over to spend the evening with Mel at her house.
And the moment she remembered that Mel had something important that she needed to discuss.
And the moment that she noticed there were two messages from Deena and two from Henny, plus a couple of missed calls from both of them staring back at her from the locked screen.
‘Oh shit!’ she said out loud, quickly unlocking the phone with her thumbprint and scrolling down to read the messages.
19:45 – Henny: You not coming tonight babe?
20:05 – Henny: You coming later?
20:15 – Deena: It’s not good news. Can you join?
21:30 – Henny: Could you call when you get a moment babe?
It was now 9.53 p.m. and she was sat in a wine bar with somebody she had only met once before, when there was clearly a crisis situation developing with her nearest and dearest. The realisation hit her hard. Trying to work out what to do, she took a deep breath and glanced around the room, just as Wendy was bounding towards her with a smile on her face.
‘Same again?’ she asked, as she got to the bar.
‘God, I’m sorry Wendy. I’d love to, but I think I’d better go,’ she replied.
‘Oh, is everything OK? Is Bella playing up?’ Wendy asked.
‘Exactly,’ she said,
realising it sounded far less offensive than the truth.
Wendy was characteristically lovely and five minutes later, they were outside the bar hailing cabs. Wendy insisted that Jessica jumped in the first one, and as she climbed inside, they shared words of encouragement about the awards shortlist announcement a few days later. ‘Good luck to you!’ Wendy called, before slamming the door shut from the pavement.
‘And same to you!’ Jessica called back as she waved.
‘Right, where we going?’ the driver asked her, leaving Jessica stumped.
‘I’m not sure,’ she replied, ‘But head towards Westcombe Park for now.’
Did she want to head home? Or join the girls? She was feeling quite irritated that they all needed her desperately. Wasn’t she allowed to have a drink with a friend without being interrupted? But on the flip side, what if something had happened? She pulled out her phone to call Henny, who answered on the second ring.
‘Hi babe, you OK?’ she asked.
‘I’m on my way,’ Jessica replied, making a split decision to join them. ‘What’s going on?’
‘Hang on,’ Henny said, getting up to leave the room. Reaching the kitchen, she spoke in a whisper. ‘It’s Steven, babe.’
‘What? What happened? Is Steven OK?’ Jessica asked, suddenly feeling sick with worry.
‘He’s fine, babe. He’s a dickhead, but he’s fine,’ Henny whispered.
‘Oh God. Can you just tell me what’s going on before I walk through the door?’
‘He’s having an affair,’ Henny said, hearing Jessica exhale loudly on the other end of the line.
‘What?’ she managed to say, suddenly lost for words.
‘And he’s having that affair with his ex-wife,’ Henny continued.
Jessica gasped. ‘The one in Sweden?’
‘That’s right, babe. And that’s not all,’ Henny continued in her loud whisper.
‘How can it possibly be worse than that?’ Jessica asked, wishing she’d drunk less over the past few hours and had a clearer head.
Henny paused and sighed.
‘Mel is pregnant.’
From Mum With Love Page 15
