“Yeah but now you’re being overly dramatic.”
Kofi lifted the bottle toward his lips and stopped. “Am I?” he asked, then drained the bottle and hurled it into a nearby recycle bin. “Just think about it.”
“I am thinking about it. Not everything is that black or white. Sometimes there are gray areas in the middle—areas that can make a situation better if you only look for it.”
“That’s just it—if it was meant to be, you shouldn’t have to look for the gray. It’s either there or it’s not.”
“Okay, fine—people disappoint you. But you can’t keep living your life where you’re so paranoid that you don’t meet and experience people.”
“Carter, it’s not like that. I’m not that jaded.”
“Right.” Carter nodded sadly. “I know I let you down in the worst way. Don’t deny it. I see it every time you look at me. Like this morning when I opened the front door. You had this expression on your face like damn—not again.”
“Carter…”
“No. Let’s be honest here. When we were kids, we agreed there wouldn’t be any lies between us.”
“We were children.”
“But still,” Carter interrupted. “We had a point. As I was saying, when I told you I was gay, I saw your world burned to the ground. Dramatic? Perhaps. Still, it doesn’t make it any less true. But are you going to sit in a corner with your face to the wall, hands over your ears, ignoring the urges in your body because you’re terrified a woman may drop another man’s child in your lap?”
“Maybe not. But the thought will be in the back of my head.”
With a roll of his shoulders, Carter ventured over and grabbed his towel and water. He drank half the contents of the bottle before screwing the lid back on then placed it on the bench. Passing the towel over his face, he thought carefully about Kofi’s words. Though he could still find faults in his brother’s argument, Carter sat beside his bottle and watched Kofi, who was busy staring across the way to the mountain.
“It’s been almost a year. I know you don’t want to talk about this,” Carter broke the silence between them. “Eventually we will need to face things, then you’ll have to make a decision on whether you want me around or not.”
“Don’t say that.” Kofi turned. “Of course I want you around. You’re my brother. I need you in my life.”
“It’s not that simple, Kofi. I can’t keep seeing your sadness whenever you look at me.”
“I know. I know.” Kofi sighed and sat beside him. He stared through the mesh fence at the houses below.
“We don’t have to right now. I just wanted to let you know that sooner or later we should, you know?”
“I just… It’s still a shock to me that you’re gay. You were always the one who got all the girls—and you’re gay? I don’t understand it. It’s proof to me gay isn’t something you choose.” Kofi faced him. “They were sexy women.”
Carter smiled. “I know you’re disappointed and that was the last thing I ever wanted to do…you know, make you look at me as something of a failure. It damned near killed me when it did happen. It was like I was punched in the chest, and for a bit there, I couldn’t breathe right.”
“Nah. It wasn’t disappointment. I’m sorry you saw that. I was just stunned—one of those getting-hit-in-the-back-of-the-head-with-a-two-by-four kind of surprises.”
Carter snorted and shook his head. It wasn’t the first time he’d heard someone say that about him since about being gay.
“You love who you love, Carter.” Kofi’s voice was softer now, serene. “And since you’re my brother, I have to love who you love. So far, you’ve kept your men away from me, and I really appreciate that.”
“There hasn’t been any—I haven’t dated since I told you.” Carter bowed his head. “I didn’t want to push the issue or make you feel like I was shoving it in your face or anything. It was bad enough with my confession. I can do without men, but I can’t live without you. Look, I haven’t really been with anyone anyways. I just didn’t want to get in too deep, because I know how unsure you are of the whole thing.”
“You put your heart aside for me?”
“Kofi, with all due respect, don’t ask that,” Carter whispered. “You’re my brother. That means something—hell, that means everything to me. I already put too much on you. I didn’t want to bring someone home, then have you come over, see him and know precisely what we were doing. I couldn’t take the chance I’d lose you any more than I already had.”
There was nothing else to say. That one simple sentence was all that was needed. Silence echoed across the court, making Carter’s head hurt a little. The faint sounds of trucks wafted up the hill from the center of the valley and, from somewhere off in the distance, a dog barked. A gust of wind blew around them then disappeared down the other side of the hill.
“You never lost me, Carter. I’ve always been right here. Sure, I fought the idea of you liking men rather than women but I never really paid attention to how much my standoffish behavior would affect you. I’m sorry.” Kofi took a breath and shifted against the bench. “I’m ready now.”
“Kof…”
“Listen to me,” Kofi said. “The same way you never wanted to be a disappointment, I never wanted to do that to you, either. You’re my baby brother. I should have your best interest at heart. For a moment, I lost sight of that. This isn’t how our parents raised us. We know better.”
Carter inhaled sharply.
“Gay or not,” Kofi continued before Carter could speak, “I’m here for you. I’ve got your back. I am so ashamed of what I’ve put you through. I can’t ever ask you to put your happiness—your heart—aside for me.”
“You didn’t ask.” Carter shook his head.
“Not in words. But we’re being honest with each other right now, aren’t we?”
Carter nodded while rubbing his palms against his thighs.
“The way I acted didn’t give you much of a choice,” Kofi whispered. “Damn, I was so selfish. How in the hell did I ever think this was about me?”
A short silence spread between them. The quiet was interrupted only by the faint, periodic sounds of vehicles moving down at the foot of the hill. Kofi inhaled sharply, a noise that carried its way to Carter, who turned to look at his brother.
“I never want this to happen again—this miscommunication between us.” Kofi’s voice broke. “Especially when it comes to your happiness. I don’t want you to misunderstand how I truly feel. I made you believe it would hurt me to see you with someone and for that, I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have acted the way I did, and Lord knows, I feel like shit for it. Date. See what’s…I mean, who, is out there. Seeing you happy means a lot to me.”
“You sure?”
“Yes. It took a while, but I’m ready.”
“All right. The next one.”
Kofi laughed and patted Carter’s back.
“What about you?” Carter asked.
“What about me what?”
“Kofi, I haven’t seen you with a woman for a while now. I want you to be happy too, you know?”
Kofi nodded. “I know. I just— Lately I haven’t been interested. I guess I haven’t seen a woman who pulls me in. I don’t know how else to explain it. But whatever it is, I really wish it would go screw itself.”
Carter laughed.
“I have to go if I’m going to get any work done in the office today. All I want to do right now is take a nap, though.”
Carter stood. “You can sleep when you’re dead—isn’t that what they say?”
“Well, obviously the jackass who came up with that deserved to be shot,” Kofi said, hugging his brother.
“I think he’s already dead, bro.”
Kofi pushed his lips upward in a slight pout then shrugged. “I’ll call you later about dinner and what we’re doing tonight.”
Carter agreed, then watched as his older brother exited the gates of the private basketball court then disappeared in
to the house. He should to go after him, maybe give him a couple of bottles of the wine Carter had received from a wealthy client a few days prior, but he decided to remain where he was and take in the fresh morning air. He ran a hand over his head and drew a deep breath. For that moment, all he wanted to do was just sit there and think about nothing, to clear his mind and enjoy a momentary lapse in existence.
As usual, what he wanted didn’t matter to his heart, for the crushing weight of his loneliness swarmed him. He opened his eyes quickly in panic as the feeling threatened to consume him. It was as if he’d been tossed into a pool, not knowing how to swim and he was slowly sinking. Carter gasped. He had money and a brother who loved him dearly, but it wasn’t enough. Sometimes, the loneliness got so overwhelming Carter began to believe he was becoming a hermit in his house on the hill.
Carter had remained celibate. He just hadn’t been able—in all good conscience—to go and find a man knowing how badly it would hurt Kofi. The sex wouldn’t feel right and everything else would just be as though he was on the down low again. He didn’t like hiding his sexuality in the first place, so forcing himself back into the closet wouldn’t be good for anyone.
Now that he had Kofi’s blessing, he desperately wanted to see what was out there—maybe even find someone to share his life with. After all, there had to be something more to the life he was currently living. His cell phone vibrated from where it lay on a pair of socks, but he didn’t move or even look at it. After repeated rounds of trying, the person or persons on the other end must have figured out he wasn’t about to answer and gave up. He didn’t bother checking to see who it was. If it was important, they could leave a message and he would check it later.
Finally, he pulled himself from inside his head and looked down at his watch. His eyes bulged. It was an hour later and he was still sitting on the court where his brother had left him. With a frown, he walked back to the house. He took some time to shower and dress, then was out of the door again in no time.
The ride to work was boring, the silence threatening to drive him mad. Even as he made his way into his office and flopped into his seat, he didn’t feel any better. Still, Carter forced himself to work, forced himself to finish the sketches that needed to be done. Being in and out of meetings didn’t help either, but he felt a little better knowing the meetings were successful, with two multi-million dollar projects coming his company’s way.
By the time Kofi called at close to four in the afternoon, his spirits had lifted a little. “Listen,” Kofi said “there’s a party tonight at Firewall. You in?”
“You want to take your gay brother to a club full of women?” Carter grinned impishly.
“I would tell you to kiss the blackest part of my ass, but I know you’re joking. You in or what?”
Carter thought about it. He was never a partier on the best of days. There was something about crowded rooms and bad music blasting from speakers with everyone gyrating against each other that just didn’t sit well with him. It always left him feeling like a sardine in an already overstuffed can. Still, it was a better offer than what he had planned for the rest of his night. He was going to head back to the house, watch some boring reality show reruns while working some more over a beer then go to bed. That was all there was to do in his life at nights. He felt like a failure and it was the worse feeling he’d ever experienced.
“I’m in. What time?”
“Atta boy. Pick me up at about eleven. I’ll get us VIP.”
“Aight,” Carter jargoned. “And Kofi?”
“Yeah, bro?”
“Please be wearing pants when I get there. We both know your ass is always late.”
“I promise nothing.” Kofi laughed. “Besides, no club really gets hopping until after midnight anyway. That’s when all the hunnies come out to play.” He hung up.
‘I promise nothing’ was Kofi code for ‘ don’t hold your breath.’
Carter finished his day and hopped back into his car for home. He suddenly didn’t feel much like a party, but he had promised Kofi. He felt like they were as they used to be—close, almost sharing a brain, which used to drive their mother crazy. He smiled at the memories as he turned his car left down Hollington for the highway.
Their mother Prentice Olabasu had been a beautiful woman. Carter remembered the deep brown of her eyes and the slight pout of her lips. Her hair had always been immaculate and she’d smelled of either jasmine or juniper. He was too young to know why she’d always looked so put together but as he’d gotten older, he understood. She was keeping herself up for their father. Even that hadn’t been enough to keep the man around. The moment he’d found out she was pregnant again, he’d taken off. Carter hadn’t known his father and his mother didn’t like talking about him. When Carter had been a bit older, she’d sat him and Kofi down and had explained it to them. Carter used to find himself apologizing for what their father had done, but Kofi had always rolled his eyes and walked away. It was a heavy load to carry—the load that his mother was alone because of him. For years, Carter had felt as if he’d shattered his mother’s very soul. Though she never once blamed him, Carter never felt any less culpable.
It was only later that Kofi told Carter it wasn’t his fault.
Carter stopped at a local mall and entered his favorite little bookstore.
“Carter Olabasu.” The blond woman, who looked akin to a hippie, ran around the counter to hug him tightly. “I’m glad you stopped by.”
“Why is that, Jeanne?” he asked, returning her hug.
“We’re going out of business.”
“Why? Business is good, isn’t it?”
“Yes, especially since we started selling those ebook things. But the rent in this mall is killing us.”
“Well, instead of shutting down, have you thought of moving the store out on its own? You have regular customers who will come to you as long as the place you move to isn’t in the middle of nowhere. Just across the street there’s a standalone building for lease. I know these things. My brother is a real estate agent, remember?”
Her face lit up. “You know? I didn’t think of that and neither did our damn lawyers. But it’s a good idea. Shutting down this business broke my heart and I don’t know what I would have done with myself.”
Carter grinned. “Look into it. It would be a shame, because no one around here knows where to find my rare books.”
Jeanne laughed and patted his back. “You’re a good man, Carter O.”
“I try. Find out about the conditions of the lease and let me know. I’ll come back and give the place a onceover for you, if you’d like. No charge. Or better yet, my brother is the brains behind the sales, so why don’t I ask him to help you out?”
“You would do that?”
“Of course. I told you. I love coming here. You always make me feel so welcome and I don’t want this little store to disappear.”
Tears welled in the woman’s eyes, and Carter gave her a hug he hoped would comfort her.
“I’m so happy right now.” She cried into his shoulder. “Thank you so much. You made my day.”
With their conversation over, he found the books he wanted on Spanish architecture, had her order a few more for him and, after paying, he continued on his way. He used his hands-free to call Kofi about what he’d told Jeanne and it didn’t take long for Kofi to agree. The truth was that Carter knew his brother hated seeing small businesses go under as much as he did, because of things like financials. It was a no-brainer to help Jeanne.
At home, he checked his messages, fielded a few calls from some very paranoid clients and made some dinner. He had a craving for pasta, so he filled a pot with water and placed it on the stove to boil. Afterward, he set to work chopping up the ingredients he needed from onions and green peppers to garlic and thyme. Soon the kitchen smelled like a spice shop. By the time he was finished cooking, he didn’t feel much like eating. Carter served himself a small amount, poured a drink and forced himself to eat, since he’
d skipped lunch. He took a little time to clean up then sat to watch some television.
Chapter Three
Sitting on the Boat of Charon would cause a human to weep and moan. It was the Barge of the Dead, the one to carry their souls to Tartarus and into the presence of Hades. Yet he sat on it, eyeing his brother as the vessel swayed ever so slightly in the water. “How many souls came to you today that weren’t supposed to?”
“Eight,” Hades replied softly. “One of our brothers caused a tsunami off the southern coast of Japan. It is not storm season there—they were not prepared.”
“Damnation.”
“Ciro, we have to do something.”
“We are—I just cannot seem to sense them as quickly as I used to and I am not quite certain why that is.”
Hades eased back in his chair and it squeaked in protest. Ciro could go into Tartarus to visit but it was a painful experience, one he tried desperately not to do too often.
“Perhaps you should seek a break,” Hades suggested. “Let us handle your brothers while you are away.”
“It would not be any kind of a break, Hades. I would be constantly worried about what they were up to. I would come back even more stressed than I am right now.”
Hades shook his head, his dark locks swaying from side to side. “You have been running ragged for so many years. I could keep an eye on things for you.”
“I appreciate you offering, still, I cannot. There is so much to do. But if I need your help in a fight…”
“What is it the children are saying these days? I got your back? ”
Ciro chuckled. It was true—he’d heard that before and a few other variations. It was strange to hear Hades, God of the Dead, say it.
“I know what the humans think of me. They think me greedy and mean, that I would take a soul just to grow the number of my subjects. But the fates do not like it when peoples’ destinies are rewritten and killing humans before their clock runs out is doing just that. We do not have much more time before the fates get involved, and when they do, it will be completely out of our hands.”
Shivers Page 3
