‘I… we… sorted out the garden so Luke can play out here as he gets bigger.’
Rich’s smile wobbled and part of Holly wanted to hug him for what he’d done, but another part feared he’d take that as an acceptance of him and the cottage. She didn’t know what he wanted from her, so she was hesitant to react in case her reaction was wrong.
The back garden had been cleared of junk, the grass mowed, the flower beds weeded and composted and filled with bedding plants that created a rainbow of flowers. To one side of the path was a wooden swing set, with a baby swing and one for an older child.
Holly walked to the new four-foot wooden fence that separated the garden from the field behind it and peered over the top. The fields stretched away from this secure space, bright with colour. To the right was a summer house that hadn’t been there before either. She opened the doors and inhaled the woody smell, admiring the wicker sofa and two chairs with fat lavender cushions and a cream chenille throw that matched the curtains at the small windows. From one window she could see the where the sky brightened as the land gave way to the sea. The coast was so close, and she knew that when the wind blew the right way, she’d be able to sit in here with the doors open and smell the ocean. It was all so tempting. All so perfect. If Rich had walked into her head and taken a photograph of her dreams, he couldn’t have got any closer than this.
Back in the garden, she turned around, trying to take in all the changes, all the improvements. She was dizzy with wonder and something else – hope. Rich had clearly worked very hard since purchasing the property, and it was all ready for a family to move in.
Ready for a family to be happy.
Ready to become a home.
She turned to him and her heart ached for the way he was gnawing at his bottom lip, for the way he was standing so stiffly, his broad shoulders in his blue and white checked shirt tense. He tucked his hands into his jeans pockets, then pulled them out again. He was nervous, worried, doubting himself.
Holly never wanted to see him anything other than happy; she never had wanted anything other than that for him.
She loved him still. She couldn’t doubt that any longer. She had tried to deny it to herself, to be rational about her feelings for him, but her heart always won. In spite of everything that had happened last year, she loved him more than ever.
But she had another responsibility: she had a son. A son who deserved her love and her dedication. She had loved Rich completely, but it hadn’t been enough for him. Now she couldn’t give him as much as she had before because Luke needed her attention. What if she got back with Rich and he wanted more than she could give? Yes, he had changed – he did seem better prepared to be the man she needed – but it didn’t mean that he was completely healed. How could anyone come back from what he’d been through and be whole again? Everyone ended up damaged by life in some way, but Rich had been shattered by the loss of his brother and she’d been unable to fix him.
Her heart was breaking. She wanted to help him rebuild his life, but she would be risking not only her own feelings but those of her child. Holly was a mother first. That much had changed. She couldn’t take the risk of ruining the new life they had at Greenacres, of losing what she had begun to create for Luke.
She swallowed hard.
‘It’s beautiful, Rich. Absolutely perfect.’ Her throat tightened and her vision blurred. ‘I love it. How I wish—’
‘Holly…’ He stepped closer. ‘Please don’t say no. The cottage was your dream. I ruined that before, but now I want to make it up to you. You can accept it without having to accept me too. I just want you and Luke to live here. For him to grow up here. It’s so close to your dad and granny and not far from Penhallow Sands. You’ll have some privacy from the visitors to the vineyard but you’ll also be able to get there quickly whenever you choose.’
‘I can’t take this from you. It’s too much.’
‘If you want it, we can sort something out. I need to pay maintenance to support Luke anyway, and I can stay on with Mum and Dad while you and Luke live here.’
‘Oh Rich… if only you’d wanted this before. If only things hadn’t been so complicated for us back then.’
‘I know. I wish with all my heart that I’d been in the right place to give you what you wanted and needed. I wish I’d been ready to give you everything.’
He took her hand and raised it to his lips, then held it there, squeezing her fingers. When she looked up, his eyes were closed.
‘I’m so sorry for the past, Holly. I’m so sorry for letting you down.’
She moved closer to him and hugged him tight, her arms encircling his waist as he embraced her. He was warm and strong, his scent fresh and peppery, reminding her of a walk in the woods following a storm. He felt so familiar, so good, and her whole being called out for him.
‘I want to give you everything, Holly.’ His lips were against her hair, and as he spoke, it tickled, sending delightful shivers down her spine. ‘I want to make you happy and to give you your dream home.’
The words dragged her from sensation, from emotion and into reality.
‘Exactly,’ she said as she pulled away, fighting against her desire to stay close to him. ‘That’s the problem.’
He frowned, confusion filling his eyes.
‘You just said it, Rich… my dream home. It was my dream to own this cottage, never yours. You went along with it, but your heart wasn’t in it the way mine was. I should never have tried to persuade you to buy it with me. We were fine when we lived with our parents and you didn’t have to grow up and face adulthood, but when I pushed for us to buy this place, it was too much for you. It was almost like you didn’t want to grow up… like you wanted to stay as you were when Dean died.’ She covered her mouth as a sob burst out. ‘I can’t do this, Rich. I’m so sorry.’
The pain in his eyes broke her heart.
She turned and ran from the cottage, along the path towards Greenacres, ignoring his calls for her to come back, to talk, to listen. What he’d done was so wonderful, and she loved him for trying and for caring.
But it was simply too late.
Chapter 18
Rich sank onto the wicker sofa in the summer house and stared at the cottage.
How had he got it so wrong? Not only had he done the wrong thing by buying the cottage, he’d let Holly believe that he didn’t share her dream of buying it in the first place.
He was an abysmal human being. He felt as though his world had fallen apart, and he deserved it.
Buying the cottage for Holly and Luke was meant to be a way of making amends, of starting again. He’d spoken to Bruce, who had warned him that it might not be the best approach. But he hadn’t wanted to listen, had been convinced that he was doing the right thing by making such a grand gesture. It had been his secret project, and as he’d worked on the cottage and overseen the renovations, he’d smiled at the hope that had filled his heart. Happiness with Holly and Luke had seemed possible at last. Holly had loved the cottage and wanted to start their life together there. He hadn’t been as enthusiastic about it as she had been, but it didn’t mean that he hadn’t wanted to move in with her. He had simply been afraid of not being enough for her, and he’d felt so guilty about living when his brother’s life had been cut tragically short. Holly was right in saying that it was as though Rich wanted to stay in the past, as if he didn’t want to grow up because Dean never would. That guilt had eaten away at him and prevented him from fully committing to Holly and to their future, but now he could see that and he wanted to show her that he was ready to move forward, to devote himself to her.
But she had just walked out of the cottage and, terrifyingly, quite possibly out of his life.
If she went back to Exeter now, he knew his heart would shatter into a thousand pieces.
He buried his face in his hands and tried to shut out the world around him, but he couldn’t push away his pain and fear. They sat on his shoulders like sacks of cement, dragging him
down, threatening to suffocate him. He knew he couldn’t allow that to happen; if he sank again, he might not come back up. He had to be positive about things; to salvage what he could from the situation.
He loved Holly, he really did, but if she couldn’t love him the way she used to, then he would simply have to accept that and carry on. He would be a good dad to his son and would do his best to be a friend to Holly. She was a wonderful person and she deserved that, at least.
He wouldn’t wallow in his sadness or feel sorry for himself. He had things to do, a life to live, and he wanted to set a good example to Luke. He had failed his brother and he wouldn’t repeat that by failing his son too.
He knew where he needed to go to speak to someone.
Just the two of them.
It was time to take the final step in his healing process.
* * *
Holly reached Greenacres and bent over to try to catch her breath. She’d run most of the way, through the fields and along the gravel paths, and now her lungs were burning and her feet were throbbing, but it was nothing compared to the pain in her heart. She had been unable to outrun that.
Poor Rich! He’d done something wonderful, made a romantic, caring gesture, and Holly had turned her back on him. Fresh tears sprang into her eyes, so she wiped them away and straightened up. She knew why she’d made the decision and it was for the best, but leaving him behind was the most difficult thing she had ever done.
She’d hoped that she’d be able to get up to her room so she could wash her face and calm down before she had to face her dad or Granny, but the back door opened, so she prepared to explain her windswept state and red eyes. When a small grey dog emerged, she realized someone was letting Gelert out. He spotted her immediately and ran to her, bouncing up and down as he sniffed at her legs and hands.
She crouched down to let him say hello properly, and he paused, gazing up at her face, then tilted his head to one side.
‘Hello, boy.’
Holly stroked his head and his soft ears, then opened her arms and hugged him. He sniffed at her ear then gave it a lick.
‘Hey, Gelert, no ear snogs!’ She laughed in spite of her sadness.
He placed his paws on her shoulders and licked her cheeks, cleaning her salty tears away. The sweetness of his gesture made her cry harder, and before she knew it, she was sobbing into his thick fur.
When she finally came up for air, he looked at her knowingly.
‘You’re such a good boy. You know that?’ she asked.
He wagged his tail and gazed right into her eyes, as if he could see down into her soul.
‘There’s no way I can let you go now, is there,’ she whispered, appreciating his reassuring warmth, his willingness to listen without judging. ‘I’m glad you came into my life, Gelert, and I promise to be a good dog-mum to you.’
He gave her cheek another lick, then lay down next to her with his chin on his paws.
‘Life is full of ups and downs, Gelert, and right now I’m not feeling too good. I had to make a decision and I’m not fully certain that it was the right one.’
He shifted to rest his chin on her leg.
‘We have some thinking to do, don’t we?’
Holly ran her hand over Gelert’s fur, taking comfort from his presence and devotion. Whatever happened with Rich and the cottage, she would manage, she would find a way, especially now she had a little canine friend who’d imprinted his paw print on her heart.
* * *
Rich parked outside the church and cut the engine. It wasn’t as though this was the first time he’d come here since it had happened, but it was the first time he’d come here convinced that he knew how to put things right. As right as they could be, that was.
He got out of the car, then let himself in through the gate, heading along the path around the building to the graveyard beyond. The breeze had picked up and the swishing of the leaves on the trees reminded him of whispering. The sound kept him moving forward. He’d learnt to live in the moment, to listen to his gut and the world around him, and right now everything was telling him that this was what he had to do.
He passed rows of graves, including that of Holly’s grandpa. He ran his eyes over the headstones but didn’t allow himself to digest the words, not wanting to allow other people’s loss into his heart. Everyone lost loved ones, it was part of life, but you had to go on. The alternative was giving up, pretending to live but in reality drifting in a haze of pain. Rich had done that, but not any longer. His self-pity had hurt Holly, but it wouldn’t happen again. He would not risk losing his son too.
He stopped at the end of a row, close to the hedge that bordered the graveyard, and lowered his gaze to the grey headstone. How on earth had twenty years passed since his brother had gone? How was it possible that Rich was thirty-four? Time really did wait for no one, and the next twenty years might pass just as quickly, which was why it was important that he used them wisely. In twenty years, his son would be an adult! Dean had not been given the gift of time, so Rich wouldn’t waste another second.
He crouched down in front of the headstone and rested his elbows on his knees, then cleared his throat.
‘Uh… this is difficult.’ A squawk off to his left made him jump, but when he looked up, he saw that it was just a crow taking flight. ‘Hi, Dean.’
He paused, as if waiting for a reply, which he knew was ridiculous because his brother was long gone. He wasn’t even sure that he could remember how his voice had sounded any more, and that saddened him.
‘I… came to say hello. I know it’s been a long time since I spoke to you like this, but I couldn’t face it back then, when it happened, and then time went by and I felt foolish thinking about coming here alone. I was an idiot, and to be honest, I was worried that I would lose it… break down, you know… so instead I carried on and tried to bury my feelings about you and what happened, but it was so hard to do. And as with everything that we try to bury, that we try to avoid dealing with, there’s only so long we can do that before it eats away at us. Losing you ate away at me, Dean. You were my buddy, my little brother, and I let you down. I’m so, so sorry, mate. If I could go back to that day and change how things unfolded, I would do it in a second. I meant to come here sooner after I got back, but I’ve been so busy with work and the cottage and the work up at Greenacres and… with my son.’
He closed his eyes and pictured his brother, his slightly rounded face still carrying the softness of childhood and his smile so wide it could light up a room. Dean had been only a year younger than him and almost the same height, but he was far more innocent. He saw the good in everyone, whereas Rich was more wary. Perhaps it was the big brother thing, the firstborn child’s instinct that meant he’d grown up wanting to protect Dean. But he’d failed at that. Abysmally. He’d let Dean down as badly as it was possible to do.
When he opened his eyes again, a bright red ladybird was crawling along the top of the headstone, going about its business as if it hadn’t a care in the world.
‘Mum and Dad… they miss you every day. Mum says she feels you around, but Dad pulls a face when she says it, as if he’s not convinced. You know Dad… a man of few words. He’s like a closed book most of the time, and I know it’s how he deals with things. Perhaps you are with us… I don’t know; perhaps it’s just Mum’s way of comforting herself. I do wonder what you’d be like now, Dean, and what you’d be doing. Would you be a vet? You were always so good with animals and had so much patience and compassion.
‘You were a much better person than I was. If it had been me who’d… who’d gone… then you would have treated the woman you loved far better than I did, I’m sure of it.’ He gave a rueful laugh. ‘I can’t believe I have a son now. Me! I’m a dad, imagine that, Dean. Holly was pregnant when she left last year and I had no idea. I was always so wrapped up in myself, and now it seems that I’ve lost her for good. I made a grand gesture… bought the cottage for her and Luke, and she turned it down. I’m not surprised
, though. I was such an idiot.’ He ran his hands through his hair. ‘I think I’ve always been an idiot.
‘Anyway… bloody hell, I come to speak to you and to tell you how sorry I am, and I end up telling you about my life. A life you don’t get to live. Dean… I’m so sorry I failed you.’
A tear rolled down his cheek and dropped from his chin. His vision blurred, so he rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands.
‘I don’t expect you to forgive me, Dean. I don’t know if you’d be able to even if you could. But I wanted you to know that I’m trying to forgive myself, and I hope you’re okay with that.’
The ladybird suddenly took off, and he watched as it disappeared over the hedge.
If his mum was here now, she’d be telling him that ladybirds were a sign of good luck, and how he could leave his worries behind because happier times were on the way. He shook his head; his mother did have some funny ideas about things.
He stayed there watching as the clouds sailed through the sky, as the light changed and the crows swooped and soared before settling in the trees. The air turned cooler, and goose bumps rose on his skin, but still he stayed, and talked.
It was hours later when he finally stood up, cold and stiff and emotionally drained. He had shared everything with Dean and believed that if his brother could hear him, then he would understand now, because Rich had opened his heart.
As he said his goodbyes, promising to return to visit again soon, he couldn’t help wondering if there was any significance in the ladybird’s presence on the headstone. The thought gave him a glimmer of hope, and he realized that even if it was all superstitious nonsense, simply having that hope was comfort in itself.
* * *
Holly descended the stairs carefully. Her head felt woolly, her heart heavy. Her mouth was dry, her tongue furry and her stomach unsettled. If she’d had too much wine last night, she couldn’t have felt worse. She’d got up an hour earlier to make Luke a bottle and change him, and he was still sleeping now, so she hoped to grab a coffee and clear her head before he started to stir again.
The House at Greenacres Page 21
