by K. L. Slater
It makes perfect sense really, but I can’t help feeling there’s something he’s battling with on his own.
‘I’ve looked at Maddy’s phone and there are a few text messages on there that don’t really make any sense to me. I’ve called the number they came from and there’s just a recorded message saying the call cannot be put through. There’s nothing on there the police need to know, anyway.’
I feel relieved at this news but I’m so angry about the incident with the missing money from Mum’s purse. Why wouldn’t Tom share that with me? He might think he’s doing me a favour, but the way it’s come out has caused far more distress in the long run.
I will confront him about it, but I want to do that face to face. Speaking on the phone is too ambiguous. I need to see his expression, hear his voice when he responds.
Tom emailed the school, and the head replied out of hours. She has agreed it’s probably best if Josh stays away until things quieten down a little. Tomorrow they’re going to provide him with some work to do at home, to keep him occupied and to ensure he won’t fall behind the rest of his class. I don’t want to think about how he’s going to feel going back there, not after how the other kids, including those he counted as mates, taunted him so cruelly on the coach.
Before he left to get the stuff for Beth, Tom lifted my chin gently with his hand and kissed my nose.
‘We will get through this, you know,’ he said. I nodded to make him feel better, but he looked at me even more intensely. ‘It’s really important you hear what I’m saying, Jules. I mean really hear me. Whatever challenges are ahead, we can get through them together. I want you to remember that and hold onto it, no matter what happens.’
I lowered my eyes and took a step back. His words seemed loaded with something unsaid, and the feeling it gave me made me want to turn and run.
Thinking about all this has got the negative stuff churning away in my guts again. The rising panic, the building dread, it’s all there in my solar plexus, gathering strength and getting ready to make a break for it.
Anxiety.
Despite going back on the tablets, I can feel I’m really in trouble this time, and I don’t know how long I can keep pushing the feeling away.
I’m overwhelmed but trying to put on a brave face so I’m no trouble to anyone around me. I look up at the clean white ceiling and try to breathe deeply. I wonder how many other mothers have lain here, looking up and dreading the dawn of the next day, unsure what will happen to their child.
I can’t get Maddy’s pleading face out of my head. They let us kiss the girls goodnight but said it wasn’t possible for us to stay in the same room. She had on her own pyjamas that my parents brought from their house. She keeps the red and white Christmas ones there, insisting on wearing them all year round.
Someone had neatly combed her hair and she looked so vulnerable… so innocent.
Carol said, ‘Kiss your mum and then we can read your book together before bed.’
Maddy held onto me tightly, quietly sobbing, her hair becoming damp and messy around her hollow face.
‘I don’t want to go, Mummy, I want to stay with you.’
I pulled her close and we locked ourselves together until I finally had to let her go.
Now I’m lying here trying to imagine what life will be like if we can’t take Maddy home again, if our family is broken into tiny pieces that can never be put back together.
The physical pain in my chest is unbearable; the thought of losing my daughter is an ache like no other.
When Corey died, I found out at thirteen years old that the pain of a broken heart is as real as any physical injury. Over time, it lessened, but the ache never went away, and now I might have a fresh gaping wound to add to it.
I feel myself begin to drift off to sleep, and then suddenly I’m sitting bolt upright, my heart pounding like a jackhammer in my chest. For a moment I think I can smell smoke, and I jump up and grab my dressing gown, but there’s nothing, no smouldering, no fire.
I slide open the sash window, which only opens a couple of inches, and crouch down to drag in the cool, fresh air.
The business is all but ruined and we’ll probably lose the house now. Getting over that fire feels insurmountable, even though we still have the orders.
A sharp pain in my hand causes me to look down, and I see I’ve broken the skin on my thumb with my fingernail. I can see the dark blood against my pale skin in the light of a nearby car park lantern that casts everything in a sort of sepia filter, as if it isn’t quite real.
But this is very real. Only twenty-four hours ago, I was at home, in bed. Tom was finishing watching a film downstairs, Josh was safely away on his school trip and Maddy was fast asleep in her bedroom. I had a successful business, and I remember I couldn’t even focus on reading my book because I was too busy running through everything I had to do the following day. All those terribly important tasks that just couldn’t wait had now dissolved into thin air.
Now that life has been all but decimated, and the forced helplessness is the worst thing of all as I wait and wait in this sterile box until we learn our fate.
I have nurtured and protected my daughter for ten whole years, and now she’s slipping away from me like sand through my fingers and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Nothing at all.
Forty
2003
Halfway up the hill, Juliet was forced to slow her climbing pace right down. She felt hot and breathless and had to take regular rests. It was all she could do to plod the rest of the way up the hill one step at a time without keeling over.
About ten minutes later when she eventually reached the top, dizzy and disoriented, she saw that between them, Chloe and the paramedics had managed to haul Corey back up to the top of the rocky slope.
The little boy looked pale and lifeless. Something dark and indefinable had Juliet by the throat, sucking the very air out of her lungs.
One of the paramedics looked up and jumped to his feet.
‘Sit down, take a breath.’ He pressed her shoulders gently and Juliet sank to her knees on the grass. ‘You’re having a panic attack. Close your eyes and breathe. In… one, two. Out… one, two. That’s right, just carry on like that for a bit.’
She felt the tightness in her throat give a little, and opened her eyes.
Chloe walked over to her. ‘Calm down, Juliet. The paramedics need to keep their attention on Corey.’ Her voice was sharp, but she laid a hand on Juliet’s arm. ‘Come on, they think he’ll be all right.’
‘He looks…’ Juliet couldn’t manage to speak and breathe at the same time.
‘He looks bad because he knocked himself unconscious, but he’s awake now. They’ve told him he has to keep as still as possible and not go to sleep.’ Chloe sighed. ‘He’s taken a nasty bump to the head and broken his leg, and they need to get him to hospital to do some scans and X-rays.’
Thank you, God. Thank you for sparing him.
Juliet’s breathing eased a little more and she got to her feet. She took a few steps forward and saw Corey’s eyelids flutter, and her heart squeezed in on itself.
She walked over and crouched down beside her brother’s head.
‘I’m so sorry I let you down, Corey,’ she whispered, stroking his cheek. ‘I’ll make it up to you, I promise.’
His face seemed so pasty, and he looked skinny and frail just lying there listlessly as the paramedic placed an oxygen mask over his face.
She would explain to her parents what had happened: that she hadn’t wilfully neglected her brother but had been unwell herself.
Hopefully they would understand.
* * *
‘What on earth were you thinking, you stupid little bitch!’ Juliet ducked as her mother aimed a teacup at her head. ‘You were asked to do one thing… one measly thing to help! And now your brother’s in hospital with all that that entails.’
The cup hit the kitchen cupboard next to Juliet and smashed into pieces
, showering the linoleum with tiny shards of floral china.
‘Come on, love, calm down,’ Ray chided. ‘You’ve only just got rid of that migraine.’
‘Yes, and I shall have another one twice as bad at this rate.’ Joan glared at Juliet, then leaned back against the worktop, suddenly breathless. ‘Why have they got to keep him in? Two or three days, they said.’
‘It’s the concussion; they think he might have a little bleed on his brain,’ Ray told her.
‘Bleed on the brain’ sounded so awful. Corey was only five, Juliet thought sadly. He shouldn’t have to go through this. Her entire skull was pounding and she willed it to get worse. She hated herself for what she’d done. It could so easily have been avoided.
‘What were you thinking, Juliet?’ Ray shook his head and sighed. ‘Falling asleep like that when you were supposed to be looking after the lad!’
‘I didn’t do it on purpose, Dad. I just felt so tired. I couldn’t keep my eyes open.’
‘Thank God Chloe had the sense to come looking for you, that’s all I can say,’ Joan snapped.
‘I know you hardly slept last night, and you’d never knowingly put our Corey at risk, but—’
‘Oh stop pandering to her, Ray,’ Joan snapped. ‘It’s her fault Corey slipped and there’ll be a suitable punishment coming as soon as I can get my thoughts in order.’
Juliet gulped. The worst punishment she’d ever had from her mother was when she’d failed to tidy up her side of the bedroom she shared with Chloe.
While she was at school, Joan had gathered up her stuff, which included a letter from her late grandma, Ray’s mother, to whom she’d been close, and a selection of poems Juliet had written and painstakingly made into an illustrated booklet that had won top prize in the school’s young poet competition.
When she got home, her precious belongings were reduced to a small pile of ash in the corner of the yard. She’d felt raw for months afterwards. Violated.
‘I don’t know how I’m going to get to and from that hospital, Ray, what with this sciatica in my leg.’ Joan rubbed the top of her thigh.
‘You don’t have to, love. I can see to him while he’s in there. He’ll be home soon, anyhow.’
Joan opened the cupboard under the sink and plucked out the dustpan and brush, sliding it across the floor.
‘Get that cleaned up.’ She indicated the smashed crockery around Juliet’s feet.
‘I’ll come and visit Corey with you, Dad,’ Juliet said.
‘No chance. You’re grounded, and that includes going to the hospital.’ Joan’s mouth puckered into a tight knot. ‘You’ve done enough harm to your brother as it is. Stay away from him.’
* * *
A couple of days later, Juliet peered through the crack in the door and saw her mum and dad sitting close together on the sofa. Joan laid her head on Ray’s shoulder, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue.
There was something curious about the scenario, something Juliet didn’t quite understand.
Since the accident, she had felt a relentless ache deep in her guts. There was no respite from it. She badly needed Corey to come home, to see him running around screeching in that boisterous way of his that used to drive her mad when she was trying to read.
But standing there watching the quiet misery of her parents, the ache had developed into a snaking sense of dread.
Something was wrong. She could feel it.
She crept upstairs and sat on her bed facing Chloe, who was sitting up against her headboard idly sketching on her drawing pad.
‘I’m worried about Corey,’ she whispered, keeping one ear alert for footsteps on the stairs. ‘It’s been three days and there’s no sign of him coming home yet. Mum and Dad are being weird together downstairs. I was wondering…’
‘Wondering what?’ Chloe looked up from her drawing.
‘Maybe we could secretly visit him. I hate not knowing how he is.’
‘Mum would crucify you if she found out.’ Chloe frowned. ‘He’ll be fine. Besides, it’s really peaceful here without him.’
‘Chloe!’ Juliet stood up, shocked.
‘Can’t you take a joke any more?’ Chloe wiggled her back further into her pillow. ‘It’s no good getting ratty with me. This is all your fault, remember?’
Juliet said nothing. Silence cloaked the room and Chloe went back to her drawing.
Her sister was right: this was all Juliet’s fault. But everybody made mistakes, didn’t they?
The awful truth suddenly hit her between the eyes.
Even when Corey was well again and back home, her family would never let her forget what had happened on Stony Side Hill.
Day Two
Forty-One
Juliet
I don’t know how, but somehow I manage to drop off into a fractured sleep, in which my nightmares from the past struggle to compete with the awful reality of what’s waiting for me in the morning.
When I wake, it’s not one of those instances where for a wonderful moment I think I’m still at home and everything is fine. No, I know from the second I open my eyes that today is judgement day. The day Maddy will be charged or, by some miracle, will be able to come home.
I reach for my phone and see I have a text from Beth.
I need to speak to you RIGHT NOW. Are you awake?? B x
It was sent twenty minutes ago, at 5.52.
Yes! What’s wrong? Can talk now. Shall I call?
I press the send button and throw the phone on the bed while I visit the small bathroom. The phone starts to ring while I’m still in there.
I rush out, hastily pulling up my pyjama bottoms, and snatch up the phone.
‘Juliet?’ Beth’s voice sounds frantic.
My heartbeat begins to gallop. ‘Is everything OK? Is Josh all right?’
‘Josh is fine.’ She pauses. ‘Look, I know today is shit for you before it’s even started, but I’ve found something and I have to tell you. I hope I’m wrong… but I don’t think I am.’
I close my eyes and press close to the wall. I want to throw up, but there’s nothing in my stomach.
‘Just say it, Beth.’ Despite the panic I feel inside, my voice comes out totally flat. I’ve nothing left to give.
‘I spoke to the insurance company. I had to pretend to be you otherwise they won’t talk due to data protection. I had to give them all the business details and they were non-committal, said they’d look into it and get back to me.’ She’s babbling, playing for time. ‘I woke up to a voicemail from them. Juliet, I’m so sorry, I can’t—’
‘Just tell me,’ I whisper. ‘Please, Beth. Just say it.’
‘They’re saying the policy has lapsed. It expired two weeks ago and it hasn’t been renewed.’ Beth’s voice catches. ‘You can’t claim a penny for the contents destroyed by the fire and you’ve automatically breached your lock-up rental lease too by letting it lapse.’
‘What? But Chloe said…’ My voice tails off. Chloe gave me her word everything was up to date with the admin. Why did she lie? What is so complicated in her life that she couldn’t make one phone call to renew the insurance?
‘I’m sorry, Jules. I don’t know what to say and… there’s something else.’
I can’t speak. I slide down the wall and clamp the phone to my ear, hugging my bent knees close to me.
‘Jules? Are you there?’
‘Yes,’ I croak.
‘The lifesaver in a situation like this is the regular back-up program you need to run each evening so all your information is on a zip file.’
‘Chloe does that.’ My heart blips with hope. ‘That’s one of her jobs.’
Hesitation on the end of the phone. ‘I’ve checked your back-up files and nothing has been updated in the last five weeks, Juliet.’
I let out a little cry. My hand is shaking so hard I think I might drop the phone.
Beth’s voice is back. ‘Listen to me, Jules. You have to focus on Maddy right now. Josh is fine, so don’t worry about him,
and let me know the second you hear anything, OK?’
I hear myself croak again, and then I end the call. I close my eyes and breathe.
It’s not exactly fresh in here. The window is open, and I can smell exhaust fumes from the busy road that runs along the boundary of the property.
The conversation I had with Chloe only yesterday about the admin replays in my mind.
I’m on top of my responsibilities, thanks for asking.
That same stock reply. She’s been distracted, sort of distant for the last couple of months. I’ve sensed something isn’t right, but she has fended off every attempt to get her to open up to me.
I’ve never been able to reach her, not really. There’s always been something invisible there, standing in the way of us enjoying a closer relationship. I’ve always known it, always just accepted that’s the way things are between us.
I guess I’ve always assumed, deep down, that she can’t quite forgive me for Corey.
I hear voices outside in the corridor as the centre begins to crank into life.
I’ve had it with pussy-footing around Chloe. She needs to face up to what she’s done and as my sky has already fallen in, what have I got to lose?
* * *
I take a quick shower and get dressed. I don’t bother washing my hair, just opt for clipping it up into a rough and ready twist and use a face wipe to get rid of yesterday’s mascara.
The thought of applying make-up to my puffy, sleep-deprived face is just ridiculous, and so I don’t.
I text Tom and ask him to come to the centre right away. His reply pings back in seconds.
Already on my way x
I pack my few meagre belongings in my overnight bag and set it down by the bed so I can be ready to go at a moment’s notice if necessary. Then I lie back, close my eyes and try to breathe deeply to settle the churning sensation in my stomach.
Ten minutes later, I open the door and nod to two members of staff who are walking past wearing ID lanyards and serious expressions. I head to the family room, push open the door and step inside. Mum, Dad, Tom and Chloe are sitting in there together, talking.
