by R. G. Angel
“Uh-huh…What do you mean by ‘disturbed’?” he asked, turning slightly on his chair to face me, giving me his full attention.
“He has this uncontrollable fear that he is in danger, but he knows that it doesn’t make any sense except that it’s here.” I pointed at my chest. “In the pit of his stomach, and it’s driving me—him—mad.” I was not particularly good at lying as I never cared enough for anybody’s opinion to even try. “And sometimes he feels as if someone is following him, spying on him. It’s… odd.”
“I see…Well, that’s good that he talks about it to someone. That’s the most important thing, you know.”
“I’ve got to go.” I was genuinely embarrassed. I was about to tell him everything and it startled me. As nice as he was, he would think I was crazy just as I thought myself.
“Yeah, okay. I need to study anyway.” He pointed to where the biology section was. “But here is my cell number…” He wrote his number on a ripped page of his notebook. “If you want to talk about your friend some more.”
“Thank you so much” I kissed his cheek before even realizing it.
He looked at me startled, bringing his hand to the spot I just kissed as it burned his skin. “Anytime,” he whispered.
I stood up and I was about to round the corner when he spoke again.
“For what it’s worth, I don’t think your friend is crazy,” he added just loud enough for me to hear.
“How come?” I asked too loud, attracting some angry glares. “Oh, chill out, nerd fighters,” I mumbled.
Gareth laughed and joined me where I stood. “Firstly, I assume that your friend is usually pretty balanced, right?”
I nodded.
“And usually schizophrenic people don’t realize they are suffering from schizophrenia,” he added seriously. “So, if your friend considers those pathologies, he is pretty sane to me.”
“What do you mean?” I whispered, getting even closer to him, intrigued now.
“Have you even considered the fact that he might be right?” he asked, narrowing his eyes slightly in suspicion.
“Right? I… no, I didn’t consider that.”
“I don’t know, but maybe your friend is being spied on. You should ask him to think about it. Is there anyone always around when this feeling of danger is present?”
“I’ve… got to go,” I said, utterly in shock, turning around and walking away.
I didn’t even hear if Gareth said anything more. I was so lost in my thoughts; I had never even considered that the danger could be real. What if it was? What could I do? I couldn’t be safe facing an enemy I didn’t know, an enemy I couldn’t even name.
There was someone that was always here when I was scared, but this person couldn’t be the one trying to hurt me! I felt so safe every time Tamlin touched me; he was my protector. No, he couldn’t be my attacker! He was my friend, not my foe. He was the man I loved.
I walked back to my dorm like a robot. I wanted it all to stop; I couldn’t bear to live with this insidious fear inside of me, eating my well-being little by little. I was even starting to think about facing him or her, but I knew that if the moment came, I would run away nevertheless… The survival instinct was the stronger instinct possessed by every human being, and it seemed to be well developed in my case. Well, at least if you ignored the stupidity of this weekend.
It was so obvious now the costume was probably from the creepy stalker, and I wore it like an invitation to hurt me.
“You’re so stupid,” I muttered, getting out the elevator.
“The first step is to admit it.” The tall lanky guy from the ball sneered with a mocking grin.
I glared at him, still frustrated by his intervention during the ball. “Yeah, and shutting your piehole is step two,” I snapped back.
He widened his eyes in surprise. I never replied to their bullying before. It was probably the first time he even heard my voice.
“Oh, touchy, touchy…” He crossed his arms on his chest. “PMSing?”
“What?" I asked, getting even angrier.
“PMSing?” he repeated.
“Listen, whatever your name is.” I was not going to acknowledge him by name. “It is PMS as in your ‘Pretty Massive Stupidity.’” I shook my head, standing even straighter. “Now beat it, barbie,” I added, walking back to my bedroom slowly to show him I was neither scared nor running away.
He grumbled something before getting on the elevator, and I couldn’t help but quickly glance at Tamlin’s door. I hadn’t seen or heard from him since the ball on Saturday, even though he usually spent a couple of hours with me on Sundays. I guessed that realizing I was mentally unstable did scare him a bit. Who could blame him?
I spent the next couple of hours in my room trying and failing miserably to study. I kept thinking about what Gareth told me, that maybe my fear was real but what I didn’t tell him was that it felt as if my attacker was invisible. I was pretty sure that if I had mentioned that, Gareth would have bought me a one-way ticket to Crazyville.
I made a quick call to Nick but decided to keep it short because my brother knew me far too well and could pick up on almost any inflection of my voice. I also spoke with Mick, and he kept teasing me on how I needed to send them the applications of potential future boyfriends.
It made me feel a lot better to talk with my two goofy brothers.
Once I hung up, I decided to Google ‘invisible attacker,’ and when most of the results were linked to World of Warcraft, I decided that only two things were possible. First, there was actually a person pursuing me, and because I was pretty receptive, I could feel the danger before he or she could get too close, so that was why I thought it was invisible. Or solution number two, which I didn’t like at all, was that I was going totally craycray, and I was just steps away from a high security mental institution.
“Yep, that would be an awesome surrounding…” I snorted sarcastically, turning off my laptop.
I decided to go for a walk. I was sure that the brisk fall air would be good to clear my head. I might even go get a coffee in the little café I went to with Gareth once. It was nice in there; it felt homey.
As soon as I walked out of my room, I saw Tamlin get out of the elevator with a large duffel bag on his shoulder. As soon as he saw me, his eyes widened in surprise as he paled a shade.
What did he think? That I would make a scene? I sighed. Of course, he thought I was like all the crazy girls on campus.
He obviously regretted what had happened Saturday night, and I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction to show him I was hurt.
When I reached him in the corridor, I looked up as he stopped in front of me.
“Hi, I’m glad I caught you!” I forced a smile. “I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry about Saturday night.” I tried to sound as detached as I could and I was proud of how steady my voice sounded.
“Sorry?” he asked, doing his sexy one eyebrow raised in confusion.
“Yeah, for freaking out on you.” I chuckled, and it surprisingly sounded real. Maybe I should’ve tried acting after all. “And for everything else.” I shrugged, looking around, pretending I was getting bored just standing there. I had never been one to play games, but right now I was playing around like the girls I absolutely abhorred. I swore it would be the first and last time I would do something like that. My meager self-esteem was at stake, and it was pretty much all I had.
“I see…” He trailed off coolly, pursing his lips as he was displeased by that. Who was he kidding?
“Yeah, it was all a mistake.” I chuckled again. “The whole evening was just a big bag of nothing. Let’s pretend we never went, deal?” I asked as my cell beeped in my back jeans pocket.
“We have a deal.” He kept his eyes on mine as if he were trying to find the solution to a problem and that the answer was somewhere on my face.
“Well, gotta go, sorry.” I read the text I received. “I’m expected somewhere and I'm already late,” I added, shaking the phone in front of him.
If only he knew that the message was from my provider advising me of the new ‘happy hour’ text promotion.
“I wouldn’t dream of keeping you from your friends,” he replied with a clearly forced smile before picking up his bag and walking stiffly to his bedroom.
What was his problem? I thought as he slammed his door shut. He was the one who avoided me for the past two days. He was the one uncomfortable after finding me all terrified. I was giving him the perfect way out; I was being the bad guy! Or maybe that was it… his big male ego didn’t like that. I didn’t perceive him as being this kind of man, but I could be wrong occasionally. I was not perfect, infallible… Pretty freaking far from it.
I walked slowly to the café, looking at the colors of the leaves. They were so beautiful; the autumn had changed them in at least ten different shades of orange and brown. It was just so sad that people didn’t take time to enjoy the simple and beautiful treasure that nature was offering us. We were always running everywhere, taking everything for granted, thinking it would always be there, that we would have the time to enjoy it later, but what if later never came?
I almost missed the café as it was so small and hidden.
I went down the stairs and settled for the same small table I sat at with Gareth. The ambiance there was still the same, warm and cheerful. I still felt as if I was in Alice in Wonderland, and that this charming café was hidden somewhere in a tree trunk.
“Well, well, well… look who is stealing both my café and my table.” Gareth chuckled, standing across from me in his long expensive cashmere coat. “What’s your defense?” he asked teasingly.
“It’s a free country, it’s in the constitution,” I teased him back.
I couldn’t deny that things had started awkwardly between us. I didn’t like him at first and there was still some times when his attitude and pushiness rubbed me the wrong way, but all in all, things were getting a lot easier. I even enjoyed his companionship most of the time and his support this morning; the fact that he didn’t judge me made me like him even more. I was starting to think that we could be good friends, at least if he could restrain his haughty comments and judgmental attitude.
“You just went all lawyer on me… Nice!” He looked impressed.
“Okay, what if I invite you for a coffee?” I asked, opening the menu. “Would it settle the dispute?”
“I guess it could work.” He took his coat off, folding it carefully on the back of his chair. “I’m an easy man to please,” he added, sitting down.
I almost choked with laughter. “Sure you are!” I snorted, as it was the stupidest thing I ever heard.
“You don’t believe me?” He seemed a little hurt.
“I…” I sighed as the waiter approached us. I was grateful for the few minutes this interruption was giving me. It would allow me to think of an answer that would not offend him too much. “Can I have the vanilla latte and a blueberry muffin, please?”
The waiter nodded and smiled. “And for you?” he asked Gareth.
Please be polite… I thought, looking at him.
“I’d like a black coffee with a chocolate chip muffin, please,” he ordered nicely, handing him back the menu.
“With cream?” the waiter asked, making me wince as I clearly remembered Gareth's reaction the last time.
“No, thank you, just black,” Gareth replied with a smile before looking at me and frowning at my grimacing face.
“What?” he asked, dumbfounded.
“Nothing, you were… nice.” I was not sure on how I should formulate it.
“Okay, so let me get this straight.” He leaned back on his chair, crossing his arms on his chest. “Okay, so you think I’m a high-maintenance brat, bigot, rude, and a disrespectful human being, and yet you still accepted to have a coffee with me?” he asked incredulously. “I don’t know what to say.”
“No, it’s not that! I mean…” I flushed with embarrassment.
I hurt him, and I felt guilty for it. “I can’t say you shared much about your life, and it’s clear that you’re—” I shook my forefinger up and down, pointing at him. “Look at the way you dress and everything.” I cleared my throat, still flushed. “Plus, we can say that sometimes you are not the nicest, most patient man with people,” I added with a sheepish smile.
“Am I rude to you?” he asked seriously.
“No, you’ve never been rude to me,” I admitted. “Quite the contrary.”
He looked at me for a couple of seconds and sighed in resignation. “Well, what do you want to know?”
I shrugged as the waiter came back with our coffees. “Whatever you feel like sharing with me would be fine,” I admitted sincerely. “I just wanted to understand you better, get a better grip of your personality, make you more… real.”
He seemed to ponder my words for a little while. “Well, I guess you did get it right. I have a pretty easy life, financially speaking.” He rubbed his stubble, eyeing me warily. “My father… my father didn’t have much time for me, so he gave me a lot of other things,” he added uncomfortably, and I could see that his family was a touchy subject.
I nodded, starting to nibble at the side of my muffin. “What… what about your mom?” I asked when I saw that he did not intend to continue on the subject.
He looked at me, and I could see his icy-blue eyes turn dark with pain and sorrow. I almost immediately regretted asking that question.
“I— She died when I was only three.” He looked down to the muffin he was crumbling between his thumb and forefinger.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered sincerely. “That must have been hard.” I reached for his hand and squeezed it in an attempt to comfort him.
He looked at my hand on top of his for a while, as if it was the first time that someone reached out for him.
“I don’t really remember her,” he continued, still looking down at my hand on top of his. “She got killed by—” He stopped as if he regretted having talked that much. “She was on—a diplomatic mission.”
“Oh…” I squeezed his hand again. “Your parents are diplomats?”
He nodded. “Well, it’s life, right?” he added coolly, and he was back to his smug self, putting all his feelings back in the box. I started to suspect that Gareth was feeling a lot more and much deeper than he let anyone see.
“My dad still is, to some extent, but I can’t tell you much more,” he said, looking straight into my eyes. “But you were right; I need to earn your trust,” he added with a small smile. “What about you?” I could see he was genuinely interested.
“Well, a pretty ordinary life, you know.” I shrugged slightly. “Loving parents, crazy older brothers that mean the world to me.” I smiled. “Pretty boring, suburb, quiet life.”
“Don’t dismiss all that,” he told me before concentrating on his coffee. “A simple life is much more special than you might think.”
We spent the next couple of hours talking about everything else including his thesis and my project that I finalized and handed in last Thursday.
As he walked me back to the dorm, we stopped by a hot dog stand and grabbed two as dinner. I even made fun of him, telling him that it should be different from his posh exotic cooking, and he told me that I could be surprised.
We took a little detour by the park, and it felt nice, almost too nice, and for once I was not looking forward to saying goodbye.
As we finally made it to my building, Gareth surprised me by leaning down and slowly giving me a chaste kiss. I didn’t push him away, but I didn’t kiss him back either.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered sheepishly, searching my eyes, “but I wanted to do that for such a long time.”
“Don’t apologize, it felt—nice.” I avoided his eyes. It did feel nice. His lips were warm and soft against mine, but it didn’t feel right. It was not Tamlin… sadly, and it made me realize that the effect Tamlin had on me was not only due to the novelty that being kissed was for me. No, it was something special.
“B
ut?” he asked curiously.
“I don’t know,” I replied sincerely. “Sorry I—we can’t do that.” I finally looked up, and I was truly saddened at the thought. He was perfect for me. He had flaws, sure, but he seemed to work so hard on them. He was everything I wanted in a man, saying the right things at exactly the right time, but he was not making my heart beat faster, as just a look from Tamlin could do.
“It’s all good.” He brushed my cheek softly with the back of his hand. “I shouldn’t have kissed you. I just want you to know I’m here for you, and if you feel the danger being close again, I’ll be a phone call away.”
I nodded gratefully.
He gave me a quick hug. “Come on, you better rest. Tomorrow you have class early.” He smiled. “I should know, I’m the assistant.”
I chuckled. “Thanks.”
He waited for me to get in the elevator before leaving. He could be such a good guy when he wanted to.
As I walked back into my room, I couldn’t help but think that I was missing the obvious. As if the solution to my problem was just before my eyes, but I couldn’t comprehend it just yet.
I gave my room a once-over, biting my bottom lip. Everything was just where it was supposed to be.
What is missing? What isn’t right? I couldn’t help but ask myself.
I tried to shake off that creepy feeling. I had always been receptive to my surroundings, but this time, it didn’t make any sense. Maybe it was all the changes I had been through in the last few months that messed up my mind… Yeah, that was it!
I reached up for the first book on my desk 'Botany for Beginners.' I changed into my pj’s and crawled into bed. Studying had always been a good way to keep my mind occupied. I didn’t even realize when I fell asleep.
I woke up, startled, my hair stuck on my sweaty neck. My room was quiet; the little lamp on my nightstand was still on, irradiating my bed with a peaceful orange light. My book was on the bed, still open to the chapter I was reading about the vegetation of the Sonoran Desert.
I took a deep breath trying to calm myself, but I was shaking. I probably had a nightmare; I just couldn’t remember.
