by David Kundtz
St. Francis was always going off by himself to contemplate, to talk to the animals, to be quiet, and to be alone. Enlightenment came to the Buddha as he was contemplating, sitting quietly under the bodhi tree and doing nothing. Indeed every religious tradition not only gives permission for what I am calling Stopping, but they positively encourage it and speak of it as necessary for any life of grace.
After receiving all this permission, the act of giving yourself permission to Stop can lead you to the important developmental discovery of the difference between being a human doing and being a human being. Giving yourself permission is an act of authority by you and to you. It emphasizes that you are a you and not an it or an act.
William Byron's quote at the start of this chapter points out the danger we all run of being a human doing: if you so identify with what you do—teaching, nursing, repairing, doctoring, cleaning, driving, lawyering, or doing business—then when you are not doing that particular work, you no longer have a sense of who you are; quite literally, you stop being and you lose yourself. On the other hand, if you keep your work as something, albeit a very important something, that you do, then you are free to continue to be who you have always been and will continue to be no matter what happens in your life.
Medical professors David Waters and Terry Saunders tell of this incident: In frustration a woman asked her husband, a busy physician, “What is it you get at work that you don't get at home?” He thought for a minute and answered, “It's the only time I really feel like I know who I am.” Here is a man for whom being and doing are the same thing. This common problem often becomes evident at the moment of changing jobs or professions or at retirement.
Recently in the Pacific Northwest, there were very serious public disputes over logging; environmentalists were on one side and logging-rights activists on the other. In a recent television interview I heard a logger, angry at the possibility of losing his job, say passionately, “I'm a logger. That's what I am!” I believe he was saying, in other words, “If I can't be a logger any more, I don't know what I'll be. And that causes me alarm and panic.” The emotional basis for this kind of feeling is the belief: I am what I do.
I can identify with the feelings of both the physician and the logger as I recall my process of leaving the priesthood. Was it something I was or something I did? I am still in the process of getting to the full answer to that question, even though one thing, for me, is sure: neither the logger, nor the physician, nor the priest is essentially that job or role.
So please remember to give yourself permission, maybe quite frequently, to do nothing and to do Stopping. It is a permission that will lead you to be who you are and want to become, and, then, to do whatever you do.
My soul can find no staircase to heavenunless it be through earth's loveliness.
MICHELANGELO
45
The Pathway to Your Stopping Woods
To find more answers on how to make Stopping a natural part of your life, come with me through “earth's loveliness” and along the path to the place that will make Stopping easy and enjoyable for you and where you are most likely to actually do it: your Stopping Woods. Along the way, we'll come across many suggestions to help you not only to arrive at your Stopping Woods safely, but be able to visit there whenever you want.
The idea is to pick whatever things that will help you create your own Stopping. I suggest you jot down a list of those things that attract your attention or sound enjoyable to you: those that you know have helped you in the past, those you want to cultivate, and those that you are reminded of as we make our way. These things will help you get to your Stopping Woods. Make your selections thoughtfully and by the end of this short journey, you will probably find that you have all the components— and thus a description—of your personal practice of Stopping.
Reading
What do you read that encourages Stopping or that enhances your meanings and values? All major spiritual traditions have their scriptures or sacred writings: The Torah, the New Testament, the Koran, the Upanishads, the Bhagavad Gita, and others. Would you pick one of these or part of one, such as the Psalms of the Old Testament, the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism, or the Gospel of Mark in the New Testament? Prayer books, containing familiar prayers, psalms, and other sacred texts might be something also to consider. Repetitive reading of favorite texts brings a sense of continuity and familiarity that is important to many.
Small books of daily thoughts or brief aphorisms have become popular in recent years. These are the perfect companions of Stopping. Each day brings a new, provocative, and brief statement that you can use in your Stillpoints throughout the day. You might open a book at random and read what is there as your thought for the day; and each time you do a Stillpoint, you recall your thought.
The Latin term lectio divina, literally “divine reading” but most often translated as “spiritual reading,” can refer to any reading that deepens your spiritual life, your connection with the divine, or your life of meanings and values. For some, these will be works written specifically for a religious or spiritual purpose, for others, it may also consist of novels or short stories, or it may be anything that brings you closer to God.
As you might guess, poetry is lectio divina for me. Reading a brief poem and letting it have its way with me will often be what doing nothing looks like for me during an afternoon Stopover.
What is spiritual reading for you? Don't limit yourself only to the expected sources. Anything goes.
Writing
Does anyone actually write letters anymore? A regular correspondence with a friend can be a wonderful help to Stopping because you have to pause regularly in the process to stop and think about what you want to say and how.
Faxes and e-mail are becoming the contemporary equivalent of letters through the mail. After all, our Stopping is at the speed of light and these means are fast. But remember: just because they are fast, they don't have to be unthoughtful or hurried.
Instead of reading a poem, you can spend a Stopover writing a poem. Why not keep a book of your own poetry?
My brother wrote a forty-page booklet consisting of twenty stories from his life and gave copies to his family. These booklets are a treasure for us and especially for our generations to come. Those stories will tell them something about themselves. I have a niece who has a packet of finished and not-quite finished short stories tucked away in her desk. For many writers of personal stories, the writing is more important than anyone reading them. It reminds us, and we remember.
Journals and diaries are the classic forms of personal writing and are wonderful ways to record the meanings and values of your life; they are the perfect companions, especially for the longer times, of Stopping. The act of writing down the events and feelings of life is to notice them, to give them importance, and to keep them.
Maybe you will just want to collect your own favorite words, phrases, or epigraphs (like the ones at the beginning of the chapters in this book), and keep them in a special place, in a journal, or on your computer.
Visual beauty
“Without beauty there's little fun and less humor,” says James Hillman. To that I will add, “without beauty there's impoverished spirituality.” For mature human life, beauty, in all its forms, is not optional, and I believe neglect of beauty is one of our most serious and hidden faults. President Kennedy was aware of this when he said one month before he died, “I look forward to an America which will not be afraid of grace and beauty.” Beauty needs no intermediary to get to the human soul. It scores a direct hit and stimulates what is best, most noble, and most enjoyable in us. Those creative souls who bring us beauty are our greatest treasures. Too often we benignly ignore them, commercialize them, or, sometimes, stone them.
How can you gather beauty? Don't be limited to just the suggestions here. Are there beautiful pictures in your daily life? Cost is no excuse with all the inexpensive reproductions available. It certainly does not have to be by a famous artist and is b
etter if it's by you. How often do you go to the art museum, a beautiful church, or an architectural gem of a building in your town or city? These (or their equivalents) are not optional niceties, but essential parts of our day for a balanced life, and they are gateways to Stopping. What is beautiful to you? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Add it—or a representation of it—to your life.
What colors do you love? Are they all around you? What better way to lift your spirits than to paint your room!
Pin up a photograph or a painting by your computer and let this visual cue lead you to moments—or hours— of Stopping.
Touching
There are so many times we can touch each other. Handshakes, pats on the back, or a gentle hand on the arm; all of these can be a moment of pausing, and, with attention, each can become a Stillpoint. Here's a suggestion: Make every hug a Stillpoint. Breathe, notice where you are, and notice what is important to you.
The textures of cloth on your hand, of food in your mouth, or of anything sensory can signal complexity, simplicity, involvement, or detachment. As you pick up a roughly woven tie or a smooth silk scarf, your Stillpoint message might be: Just like the weave of this tie, there are rough spots in my life right now, but I'll be okay, I'll take care of myself, or May my challenging day turn out to be as smooth as this silk.
Eating meals can be a moment of quiet recognition of our dependence on food and our gratitude for having it. The beginning of a meal is an especially good time to pause for grace. When you eat with others, family or friends, could you call everyone to a moment of prayer, pause, or reflection—a shared Stillpoint? Martin Buber reminds us that when “one eats in holiness . . . the table becomes an altar.”
Fast food is what we often eat. Constantly eating fast food is not only contrary to being awake and remembering, it can actually induce spiritual sleep. In Europe, there is an organization called Slow Food: The International Movement for the Defense of and the Right to Pleasure. It was started after McDonalds set up shop in Paris. But fast food is not going away, because it is so cheap and convenient and fits with the other elements of our lives. So when you find yourself grabbing that burger, chugging that soda, or inhaling that pizza, let it serve as a reminder: fast food Stillpoint. Your stomach will thank you and the people you meet the rest of the day will thank you.
And let's remember: eating a meal relatively quickly is not necessarily bad. I believe it is possible to eat a healthy lunch in a healthy way in ten or fifteen minutes if it's done with attention and relaxation. Incessantly eating too fast; not being able to control the speed, timing, and amount of leisure around a meal; and inhaling food with no thoughtfulness of the process— those are bad.
Sexuality can be expressed not only in the moments of lovemaking but in all of the moments of life. You experience it daily as man or as woman, with your particular sensuality and your way of seeing, touching, and appreciating. Erotic energy has accomplished, and will continue to accomplish, wonders for humanity and can lead you to delightful and delicious moments of sexually charged reveries: passionate Stillpoints. From my experience—as a therapist as well as a sexual being— spirituality and sexuality are neighboring facets on the same gem; in the presence of the power of one, the power of the other is always close at hand.
Beautiful sounds and fragrances
I agree with Nietzsche, who said that “life would be a mistake without music” and with Aldous Huxley, who said, “After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.” I can't imagine life without it. What about you?
My friend Michael is uncontrollably transported by the sound of certain music. We've been in the middle of a conversation when his eyes roll up in his head, his head tilts back, his arms rise, he begins mouthing the lyrics, and he is somewhere else. An aria from Madama Butterfly is playing in the background and Michael is “gone” for a moment. This is an example of the direct hit that beauty makes on the soul and why it is so necessary. It doesn't have to be filtered through the intellect. It is pure, experienced joy.
Vivaldi's Gloria is a piece that always scores a direct hit on me. When the combined choruses build to a crescendo of glorious sounds, I'm transported to a pure moment of pleasure: a transcendent Stillpoint.
The sound of a particular voice: Does that lead you to a moment of Stopping? How about the sounds of the ocean, of foghorns, of the wind, of birds, of whales, of trains, or of ships? One of my favorite sounds in the world, and one that will freeze-frame me into a most enjoyable Stillpoint, is the sound of a loon.
Aromatherapy is popular these days but certainly nothing new. Humans and animals have always used scent to attract each other. What are your favorite fragrances? Will burning incense, potpourris, or scented candles lead you to Stopping?
Scents can be powerful reminders of the past, evoking emotions and memories that can lead us to quiet moments of reverie.
Sacramentals
One of the qualities I appreciate about the Catholic tradition is its principle of sacramentality, that is, as theologian Richard McBrien defines it, “the notion that all reality, both animate and inanimate, is potentially or in fact the bearer of God's presence.” Thus food, oil, trees, the sun, the moon, the stars, babies' booties, cocker spaniels, and shiny stones—things we can taste, touch, or smell—bring us into contact with the divine. Soulful objects in the valley connect us with transcendent moments on the peaks. Other religious traditions also embody this principle.
Sacramentals are also personal material objects that symbolize something that has great spiritual value or meaning to us. Your grandfather's watch or your mother's ring, perhaps. Anything, really, that symbolizes a value. Think of the things you own and which of them is a sacramental for you. Every time you see it or hold it: a Stillpoint.
Talismans and charms are types of sacramentals and are often designed with the intention of being held in your hand to remind you of what they symbolize. In my workshops, I give participants a small, green, plastic stop sign to carry in their pocket as a reminder and to hold as needed for a Stillpoint. The shape is a reminder to Stop; the color is a reminder that Stopping is ultimately for going.
Rituals
Therapists Janine Roberts and Evan Imber-Black in Rituals for Our Times describe rituals as bestowing “protected time and space to stop and reflect on life's transformations” and as offering “opportunities to make meaning from the familiar and the mysterious at the same time.” There are the common family rituals of birthday cakes, wedding celebrations, bedtime stories, and good-night kisses, and religious rituals like baptism, bar mitzvah, the mass, the seder, and the many forms of prayer such as novenas, devotions, and making the sign of the cross. If you take just a moment, I'm sure you can think of rituals that are unique to your family. All of these can be expressions of Stopping because they bring you to a moment or moments of quiet and they are reminders of who you are that can awaken you to the present.
But what about bringing ritual to the more common moments of life? What about creating your personal rituals around the events that carry meaning for you? Do you have rituals around exercise or eating or sleeping or vacations or Sunday mornings or, perhaps, the day you made a life-changing decision? Note the occasion with a simple remembering ritual, perhaps a recollection, a prayer, a brief visit to a place, or the lighting of a candle. At dinner, remind your family or meal companion(s) what anniversary this is—the day Grandfather died, the day your child was baptized, or a day important to the ethnicity of your family—and invite them to a moment of quiet reflection on the event so that everyone enjoys a Stillpoint together.
At those times when you are eating alone, it is especially rewarding to recall some meaningful event or person and ritualize it by unobtrusively toasting with your cup of tea or inviting them to join you in spirit for this meal.
Spaces and places
At a particular point on the trail I often follow in the park near my home, there is one place where I can see Mount Tamalpais to th
e west and Mount Diablo to the east. It is a sacred place for me. I pause every time I pass the spot, and I take time for a Stillpoint.
Mountains? Deserts? Which calls to you? Where are you most at home and most yourself? To which of the natural places do you head when you want comfort, consolation, and acceptance?
I feel fortunate to live on the northern California coast, a blessed place if ever there was one. The Pacific Ocean is astounding, no matter the time of day or year; it calls to the deep in us. Lakes, rivers, and for many, like Henry David Thoreau, even ponds can be sacred places of quiet and meaning. “I went to [Walden Pond] because I wished to live deliberately . . .” Do you have a Walden Pond? A Walden River? A Walden Lake?
For many people, sacred spaces are of human origin: museums or churches, for example. For me the rotunda at the National Gallery of Art in Washington, D.C., is such a place. When I go there I feel transported to another level, and experience a feeling of calm and appreciation. Why? I don't know. Who is not struck dumb on entering the cathedral in Florence? Or even, perhaps, a small church in your neighborhood?
Animals
What joy animals can bring to our lives! One only has to watch a boy with his dog, a grandmother with her cat, or perhaps you with your pet to know the power of animal connection. We know that holding an animal can physiologically bring calm and a sense of well-being. If you have a pet, touching or petting or otherwise connecting with it can be the most consistent and rewarding way of integrating Stillpoints into your daily life. Make it your intention that every time you connect with your pet, you will take a breath, be aware of the moment, and bring to mind what you need to remember.
