by Kayley Shaye
“What?”
“Ryder and I didn’t agree to put things behind us just because we recognized that we needed to. It was much more than that.” My eyes drifted over to him. Looking at me, his hand was propped under his chin.
He was upset and that made me fear the absolute worst. I rushed to the fridge and put the food away before I pulled my chair around to his side. “Please, tell me what’s wrong. I can’t just turn my head away now and act like everything’s alright when I know it’s not.”
Jesse reached long enough to grab the chair leg, pulling it and my body close enough so our legs were touching. “He made me promise not to tell you. He wants to protect you.”
“Protect me? Jesse, you have to tell me!” I said near panic mode.
Jesse dropped a hand onto my leg and squeezed. “I took him to the doctor today. Made him go. Thought I was going to have to drag his ass inside. He’s one stubborn bastard.” He chuckled lightly, though it was not sincere. “One thing we both got from our mother.” My heart was nearly beating out of my chest. Was Ryder sick?
“Ryder has stage three lung cancer, sweetheart.”
“Cancer?” I nearly choked on my beer. “No, he can’t. He’s only 24!”
Jesse took my hand in his. “All that smoking was too much for his body.” He shook his head from side to side. “Age didn’t matter.”
“He can’t have cancer,” I cried. Jesse pulled my head to his shoulder. “He’s too young. He’s too strong.”
“I know,” Jesse whispered. He brought his hand up to the side of my head and brushed back my hair. “He doesn’t want treatment. Just wants to live out the rest of his life the best way he knows how.”
I pulled away from Jesse and shook my head in astonishment. “Why on earth won’t he do the treatment?” I cried a little harder. “It’s not like he’s 75 and doesn’t have much life left in him anyways. He has his whole life ahead of him.”
“That’s what I told him, Sage, but he didn’t listen. He doesn’t want to become so weak and so fragile that all he’ll be seen as is a burden. He wants to be remembered for who he is now.”
“Who he is now is who he’s always going to be, Jesse. Cancer and chemotherapy can’t take that from him.” I wiped my tears with the back of my hand.
“Yes it can, sweetheart. It can turn him into someone he doesn’t recognize, and he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want to lose his hair and become a pile of bones.” Jesse released my hand. “You have to think about it from his point of view. Would you want that for yourself?”
“Of course not,” I choked back the tears, “but it’s not about that. It’s about standing up and fighting for your life. Does he not want to live?”
“You and I both know he does. But as the President of the Warriors, he refuses to be physically and mentally killed by chemotherapy. That’s the last way he expects to be taken out.”
“Because being killed by cancer is any different than that,” I spat.
“At least, he’ll still have some type of quality of life for however long that may be until it’s over. If he takes the treatment, Sage, he will be so miserable that he will wish he’s dead. He won’t be able to do anything but lay around and sleep. Probably won’t be able to hold down much food, if any. That’s not a way to live.”
“You talk like you don’t want him to try the treatment,” I whispered, “like you’re encouraging him to just give up.”
“I’m not. Believe me.” Jesse ran a hand over the slight stubble on his face. “I want him to try the treatment but then I thought about what I’ll want if I am in the same situation. Chemotherapy isn’t one, babe. I have to support his decision.”
“Well, I’m not.” I stood up on shaky legs. “He’s not going to give up on himself or the club like that. He can beat this, and we will be by his side through it all. He’s not quitting because I refuse to let him.”
Chapter Thirty-Eight
I barely slept at all last night, and when I did, I had nightmares of Ryder dying. I almost felt like it was a hint towards the situation. However, I was going to do everything I could to stop that from happening. The first step was to get him to agree to treatment. I didn’t know how I was going to do that, but with the help of Jesse and the club, I was sure we could do it.
According to Jesse, Ryder just only told Jesse about it. That meant neither of the two clubs knew, though I was sure the Rebels wouldn’t give two shits anyways or at least they probably wouldn’t.
I would give Ryder a chance to tell everyone in his own time, but if he didn’t, I’d have to step up to the plate. It wasn’t my place by any means, but it couldn’t be kept a secret any longer. This was life or death, not a silly game.
I rolled out of bed and went into the bathroom to get ready to go to the clubhouse. Jesse told me last night he’d come along with me.
As Jesse and I got dressed and searched for our keys; there was a weird silence between us. He had been trying to talk to me earlier, but I was still so upset about the news that I didn’t want to talk to him. Now, he had gone silent as well.
I let my eyes do the talking for me.
I found my keys on the nightstand and walked back to the kitchen where Jesse was waiting with his keys. We were taking the bikes instead of the van. I nodded towards the door and headed outside.
My shoes crunched over newly fallen tree leaves. It was almost autumn, my favorite season. The temperature was decreasing, and it felt amazing outside. I just wished I could enjoy it right now.
Everyone was at the clubhouse when we got there. Talon didn’t even object when Jesse walked in, which I was thankful for. I told Jesse to stay with the guys while I went and talked to Ryder. I just hoped a fight didn’t break out between them in that short period of time.
I knocked on Ryder’s door and walked into him sprawled out diagonally on his stomach without a shirt. He was so tall that his feet hung off the side of the bed, and I couldn’t help but smile at.
He groaned and turned his head to the side. He began squinting to get a better look at who had dared enter his room at this time. “Sorry,” I muttered, “I didn’t know you were asleep.”
“That’s okay,” Ryder said as he turned over on his back. He didn’t bother sitting up.
I shakily walked to the side of his bed and took a seat on the edge. I could already feel the tears building up in my eyes. I was doing everything I could to contain them. “Ryder, we need to talk.” My voice cracked.
“What’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong?” I repeated the words as I looked around the room. Anything to keep my eyes off of his because I knew if that happened, I would break down. “Everything’s wrong, Ryder. Everything. But the most upsetting part of it all is the fact you didn’t tell me.”
There was complete silence for about a minute.
“Tell you . . . what?” His voice was unsteady.
“That you have cancer. Stage three lung cancer to be exact.” I turned around momentarily to see him sitting up on the bed but made it to a point to not look directly at him.
He sighed behind me and shook his head. “Jesse said he won’t say anything.”
“Don’t get mad at him. I asked him what is going on. I begged him to tell me. He gave me an answer,” I mumbled. “How long do you think you can hide it? You can’t even hide the tiredness you feel, Ryder.”
“I wanted some time to think about what I would say to you. You worry enough about us. I didn’t want to add to that, but now you know.” The bed creaked under my body, and Ryder came around to the other side of the bed and kneeled down by me. “I don’t want you to worry.”
When I finally took him in, I saw the worn features of his face. He looked years older than he really was. His hair looked like it hadn’t been brushed in days, and he was in an ripped old pair of jeans.
“I have to worry. I have to worry because you don’t want treatment. Without that, Ryder, you don’t stand a chance.” I wiped under my eye with my finger. “And
you didn’t tell me. Now, I have to worry even more because I’m afraid there’s something else you haven’t told me.”
“There’s nothing else, Sage. This is it.” Ryder dropped his hands onto my knees. “Listen to me, okay?” His own voice sounded worried.
I took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay.”
“I don’t want treatment because I’ve seen what it does to people. My grandmother had cancer when I was ten years old. She was always such a bubbly, happy person and then the chemo took that away from her. She became a pile of bones that I no longer recognized. Then it took her after that, within eight months’ time,” he said. “I won’t let that happen to me. I’ll go out . . . in a blaze of glory.” He smiled.
I couldn’t make myself smile back because I didn’t feel the same way about it as he did. “I know this isn’t about me, Ryder, but if I had cancer, wouldn’t you want me to take the treatment? Wouldn’t you do everything you could to make sure I didn’t end up dead?”
“Of course, Sage, but—”
“No.” I shook my head. “No. You’re a strong, badass biker. A little chemotherapy can’t take you down.”
“Maybe not physically but mentally. Unfortunately for my grandmother, it took both.” Ryder stood up from his place on the floor and sat beside me on the bed. “And sure, I’ll feel sick without the treatment too, but it’s better than being so sick that I would wish I was dead.”
I rested my head against his shoulder with a sigh. “Please quit fighting me on this. Do this for you. Do it for the boys, this club that you built from the ground up. You might believe that we can do it without you but the truth is, we can’t. Everyone needs your leadership.” I raised my head from his shoulder and looked over to him. “And your brother needs you too. You can finally make up for all of the wasted years without each other.”
“What about a compromise?” Ryder asked with a compelling look on his face. He walked over to his dresser and pulled out a black t-shirt. I watched him go and realized he was a little unsteady on his feet already.
Wait. What? “A compromise?”
Ryder nodded. “A compromise.” He pulled the shirt over his head and returned to his bed. “I’ll try the chemotherapy, but if it isn’t helping within three months, I’m pulling the plug. I won’t waste my time with it if it isn’t going to do any good. And if it doesn’t, you can’t get upset at me for quitting the treatment. No speeches. That’s the deal.”
For the first time since I had gotten to the clubhouse, a smile cracked across my lips. “It will work. Believe me.”
“Don’t get your hopes up. I can’t believe I’m even doing this,” Ryder muttered, “but give me a hug.”
“Your hopes aren’t high enough.” I leaned over and gave him a half hug because of the position we were in.
“Now the question is, What will we do without you, Sage.”
Chapter Thirty-Nine
It had been two weeks since I found out about Ryder’s cancer. I wish I could say it was easier on me knowing, but Jesse was right. It just made me worry more about him.
Ryder told the clubs about it last week. They took it a lot worse than I thought they would, probably even worse than I took it. Everyone was there for him, though, but none of them liked to talk about it. I had picked that up whenever I came over. They avoided the cancer subject at all costs. Jesse and I were probably the only ones being real about it right now.
I understood they needed time just like I had and still do. Regardless, I wanted them to acknowledge it instead of ignoring the fact that he was sick. It would affect everyone from now on, and they needed to realize that sooner rather than later.
Today, Ryder was going in for his first round of chemo. We were driving an hour away to a better hospital.
We would have to pick up some more gun and drug deals in order to be able to afford it, but that wasn’t my concern right now—only his health was. “We’re almost there,” I said from the driver’s side of the van. Jesse was beside me, and Ryder had opted to take the back seat.
A soft sigh left his lips. It was a frustrated sound rather than a nervous one, not that I thought Ryder would be nervous over a little chemo. I was the one that was nervous for him, but I tried to keep it under wraps as that would just frustrate him more.
“Hey, look.” I smiled and pointed to a make-up store as I drove into the hospital’s parking lot. “We are SO going there before we leave!”
“The hell is that?” Ryder hissed from the backseat.
“A make-up store.” I glanced behind me and raised my eyebrows.
“Hell no,” the boys shouted in unison before they got out of the van.
“Hell yes. You both can stay in the car while I blow $200 dollars.” I smirked. I pushed the straps of my purse over my shoulders. I didn’t wear make-up that often, but when I did, it wasn’t the cheap $5 shit.
“Try $30 ‘cause that’s all I’ve got on me,” Jesse replied.
“Dammit,” I muttered as we entered the hospital. It was nicer than I thought—clean, obviously newly renovated, and looked like it had a nice wing for cancer patients. That was the main function of this hospital. “I’m going to sign you in, Ryder. Just have a seat.”
“I’ll be here.”
I made my way to the front desk as the boys took a seat. “What can I help you with?” The receptionist asked without looking away from her computer.
“I need to sign my friend in. It’s his first round of chemo.” The woman looked up momentarily to give me a fake I-am-so-sorry look as she passed me a clipboard with the sign in sheet. She wasn’t a very good actress.
“Just sign here and date here.” She pointed to the paper.
“Here you go.” I passed it back.
“Thank you. It shouldn’t be too long.” Her eyes drifted back to her computer, and she typed away like it was nothing.
“Thank you,” I said as I turned on my heel and took a seat beside Jesse. “Are you two hungry? I can get something from the vending machines if you want.”
“Nah, I’m good. Have a feeling I won’t be eating anything today,” Ryder mumbled across from me.
Jesse just shook his head, and I let out a sigh. “Let’s hope it isn’t so bad.” Ryder was mentally and physically strong, so I didn’t think it would beat him down too much . . . but I should learn to quit assuming so easily.
My phone started buzzing in my pocket, which scared the hell out of me. I forgot that I had put it on vibrate. “Hello?”
“How’s everything going?”
“We just got here. Everything’s fine, Damien. Quit your worrying.”
“I’ll quit my worrying when our president is back home where he belongs. You haven’t seen how this place runs without him. It’s chaos.”
“What did the shitheads do this time?” Ryder asked.
“Shut up, Ryder!” I waved him off and tried to silence him, so I could hear Damien. “Yeah, yeah, I can imagine. They need to learn to organize themselves better. We’ll work on it.”
“You say that now,” Damien mumbled across the line. “I need to go before hell breaks loose again.”
Ryder made a dash for my phone, and I stood up abruptly to move away from his grasp. I gave him a glare. “Alright, Damien. I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”
I hung up the phone and slid it back into my pocket. “The hell is wrong with you, Ryder?”
“Did they burn the clubhouse down?”
“No.”
“Kill anyone?”
“No.”
“Not even a little fight?”
I scoffed. “No.” Actually, I didn’t technically know that, but since Damien didn’t mention it, I wasn’t going to say anything.
“I’ll be damned.” Ryder returned to his seat with a huff. “I’m sure there is going to be something. They act like children when I’m not around.”
“Some of them act like children, but Damien was just checking in.”
“For now anyway, until they really do burn the club
house down. Then, you’ll rethink that.”
Jesse let out a laugh beside me and shook his head. “Sounds like you need to get a hold on your children, little brother.”
“Oh, shut up,” Ryder hissed.
A nurse walked up during his outburst (thank God) and called for Ryder. As he stood up, she shook her head and nodded for him to take his seat again. “I’m sorry, sir, but it’s going to be about half an hour before we can see you. I apologize for the wait.”
She turned on her heel as Ryder let out a sigh. “It shouldn’t be too long, my ass,” I muttered as I mocked the words of the receptionist.
Before long, I watched as a beautiful tall brunette signed in and headed straight for the empty seat beside Jesse. There were about fifteen other empty seats, but she just had to choose that one.
I was sure I had the most ridiculous look on my face, considering the fact that few people had the balls to sit next to Jesse’s intimidating large frame. But she wasn’t afraid at all. In fact, she was smiling. Happy even. “Hi, I’m Claire.”
Jesse glanced at her out of the corner of his eye before he responded with, “I’m Jesse.”
My jaw dropped and I heard Ryder quietly chuckling in front of me. This was NOT funny at all!
“Are you in a gang?” she asked suddenly. She took no notice of the female, ME, sitting on the other side of him. If I had to say so myself, she looked completely insane right now. Who goes up to someone and asks them that? Someone that doesn’t care if they get shot.
“No, honey, I’m not in a gang. Do I look like I’m in a gang?” He raised his eyebrows in curiosity.
Honey?
She smiled. “Just a little, and that’s . . . hot.”
“What is?”
“All of your tattoos . . . and your voice . . . and those muscles, my God!” Claire started to reach out for his bicep, but Jesse intervened quickly by grabbing her wrist. She yelped in surprise.
“Honey, if you don’t stand up and walk away now while you have a chance, my girlfriend here may break your face. Honestly, I really rather not visit her in prison for the next ten years. That will really ruin things for me, for us. Take it elsewhere.” He released her wrist roughly.
