He shook his head, gulping down his feelings. He couldn't leave.
He embraced her and started kissing her mouth, her cheeks, her neck, her shoulder, fondling with her shirt and bra, unable to stop his desire.
"Ernie, no," she whispered, not really trying to push him away.
He didn't, couldn't listen. He took off her shirt and kissed her breast, going down and undressing her. He knelt at her feet, dizzy with lust, then got back to his feet to taste her lips again, to hug and caress her. She was silent and docile in his arms.
Then the thought hit him. God, what am I doing? She's my brother's girlfriend!
Pulling away from her body was painful.
"I'm sorry," he panted, regaining control of himself. His own clothes were still in place as she hadn't returned his passion.
He ran away, leaving her half-naked against the wall.
***
Julian was going home when passing by a pub he thought he saw his second-born's long brown hair through the window.
Ernie sat at the counter with a whiskey bottle next to him.
"Did he drink it all by himself?" Julian asked the bartender, worried.
The man nodded and Julian forced Ernie to put down his glass.
"Come home, Ernie," he ordered gently but firmly.
"No, let me go." Ernie's voice was slurred.
Julian managed to drag him away. Ernie moaned and muttered Mary's name. He retched before entering the house, then leaned on his father, unable to stand on his own.
Marsha came over to help Julian to drag their son upstairs, where they let him slump on his bed under Martin's cold stare.
"He's drunk, don't ask me why," Julian quickly told Marsha, who nodded, worried.
"Mary," Ernie moaned again before passing out.
Martin jumped to his feet. "That's enough! Not only he spies on me, now he even gets drunk over my girlfriend!"
Julian stopped him before he started beating his unconscious brother. "Martin, calm down!"
"Boys, what's going on?" Marsha demanded.
"Nothing," Martin replied through clenched teeth. He freed himself from his father's hold and rushed downstairs.
Julian and Marsha exchanged a worried glance.
"They love the same woman," Marsha sighed. "It will be tough."
***
"He gets drunk for you, you understand?" Martin was furious again, mostly because on the phone he couldn't see Mary's face and had to rely on her voice or her silence. "I can't take it anymore, how dare he doing this to me?"
"Leave him alone," she answered, quiet as usual. "He hasn't really hurt you."
"Are you kidding? He lusts after my girlfriend and I can't complain?"
"I should be complaining, not you." She sounded amused now.
Martin took a deep breath to calm down. "Mary, can I come over?" he begged. "Please, I need to be by your side, to feel that you're mine..."
"You can come over tonight."
"No, I mean move in with you. Please, I love you so much, let me come over, I need you."
He heard her hesitate.
"OK," she said at last.
"I'll grab my stuff and be there soon."
Martin rushed back upstairs. His parents were still in his room, observing Ernie's drunken sleep.
"What are you doing?" his father asked, seeing him grab a sports bag and shoving in his clothes.
"I'm moving in with Mary," Martin answered bluntly.
"Martin, I don't think..."
"If I stay here, I might kill my brother."
Martin glared at sleeping Ernie then glanced at his father who raised his hands in surrender. Still, he followed Martin downstairs and to the front door.
"Dad, I want to marry her as much as you want me to," Martin said, turning to look at him. "But I don't seem to be able to convince her. Maybe living under the same roof will make her relent. I love her, I need her and if this is the only way to make her accept my proposal, I'll do it."
"You're old enough to know what you're doing," Julian replied. "We'll miss you. Call us."
Martin nodded, hugged him and left.
***
Ernie was hungover and morose. Julian and Marsha didn't know what to say. It was the most quiet meal of their family life.
"Where's Martin?" Ernie asked at last.
"He moved in with Mary," Julian answered.
"No!" A choked scream. Ernie bent and started vomiting.
Marsha held his forehead, glancing worried at her husband. Was it the hangover or the start of an obsession?
***
"Mary," Martin whispered, holding her tight. "I love you."
"Martin, if I didn't know you have issues with your brother, I wouldn't have allowed you to come here," she replied.
Her self-control was jarring. Sometimes Martin was under the impression she kept control even when they were having sex.
"That's not an answer, Mary," he protested. "I want to spend my life with you!"
"I don't, Martin," she replied. "I don't want to commit. I'm sorry, I just can't."
He stared at her, desperate. "Mary, have you ever been in love?"
"I enjoy being with you, but I don't want to commit."
It's not love, he thought averting his eyes. He had hoped to tear down with tenderness and passion the wall she erected between herself and the world. He had spent one year with her, giving it all, receiving little or nothing. It was time to break up, or that obviously unrequited love would kill him.
"She drives me crazy," he confided to his best friend Steve. "But I can't go home and see Ernie. You know, she has Ernie's pics, and sometimes she stares at them, but doesn't want to marry me!"
"Forget her." Steve was older and wiser. "You can move in with us. The boys will be happy to have you, and we might even convince you to join the band!"
Steve lived with three other young men who played different instruments. Martin had sung with them from time to time, and knew them as well.
He smiled against his will at the suggestion, but his heart was still sad.
***
"You're leaving?" Mary asked with barely a hint of curiosity.
"Yes." Martin stared at her, hopeful. "I can't go on like this."
"You've been way too patient with me," she replied. "Thank you."
His face showed despair. "Bye." He grabbed his sports bag and rushed out like his brother had done.
Mary sighed and slumped on the couch.
The phone rang. "Hello, Mary, it's Marsha, may I speak to Martin?"
"I'm sorry, he just left," she answered. "Not sure if he was coming home or going elsewhere, but I'm sure he'll call you tonight."
***
Ernie came home and heard his mother on the phone. It had been weeks since his visit to Mary, but he didn't care crossing Martin again.
"May I ask you something?" Ernie heard his mother say. "What happened between you and Mary?"
Ernie couldn't hear the answer, but he waited for the next line. Apparently his mother was on the phone with Martin who obviously didn't want to talk about it.
"All right, Martin, you know where to find me if you need me." Marsha sighed. "When will you visit?"
Ernie thought that if Martin had visited their parents, he had carefully timed the visit so they wouldn't meet. The elder was still mad at him.
He heard his mother put down the phone with another sigh and stepped forward.
"Mom, Martin isn't at Mary's anymore?"
"Uh, no, they split," she answered hesitantly.
"Thanks."
He went out again without further hesitation. Martin was gone, he could see Mary again at last. It was the right time to wait for her outside her day job, like he had already done once.
Mary stared at him, puzzled. "Hello, Ernie. What brings you here?"
"I've heard you broke up with Martin," he said quickly, a little nervous for his bold move. If it wasn't true, his brother might really kill him.
"News fly," she
replied, amused.
"May I walk you home?"
"Sure."
They walked in silence as Ernie tried to muster the courage to speak.
"Do you have someone now?" he asked as they climbed the stairs to her apartment.
"No," she answered. "Come in."
The second time in the apartment he noticed she had framed one of his pictures – Martin and Mary kissing. He stared at it, uneasy.
"It's a nice picture," she said. "I like it."
"I thought it was to remember Martin," he said.
She scoffed. "Don't be stupid."
"You weren't in love, then," he discovered.
"Do you care?" She put her arms around his neck. "I'm single now."
He promptly embraced her and lost himself in her mouth. He had almost lost hope, but finally Mary would be his.
***
Ernie threw himself in that love like Martin had done, with all of himself. Mary didn't talk much, but he didn't care. He made love to her and didn't really expect her to answer his passionate words.
One day, coming back home, he heard Martin's excited voice.
"Ernie!" The elder brother flashed his old, carefree smile at him when he saw him. "Saturday we have our first live show, will you come?"
Ernie hadn't seen Martin since the day of his hangover. "I... don't know..." he stammered, taken by surprise. "I might be busy with my girlfriend..."
"Well, bring her along," Martin replied cheerfully. He seemed to be back to his old self.
"Maybe she doesn't like hard rock," their father said. Ernie got the hint that Mary must still be a sensitive issue for Martin.
"Well, as you wish," Martin shrugged. "But I'd love it if you came."
Ernie nodded and went to his room, feeling ashamed of himself for the first time.
***
Ernie stared outside of the window, arms crossed on his naked chest.
Mary hugged him from behind. "One cent for your thoughts."
He turned around and stared at her, thoughtful.
"Saturday Martin has a show and he invited me."
"Great, let's go together," she said, caressing his hair and cheek.
"I think it's better if you don't come," he replied embarrassed.
"I will hide among the crowd," she promised. "But I'm very curious to hear him sing."
He glared at her, but couldn't resist her smile and kissed her.
***
On stage Martin was very good. He seemed to have been born to be lead singer, capturing the small crowd present in the club with his voice.
Marsha and Julian were proud of him. He seemed to be over his obsession for Mary and ready to blossom again. No doubt he'd find a new girlfriend among the fans he was gaining with his first show.
Ernie couldn't believe his eyes. His elder brother had transformed into a real rock star. Mary observed him with a pleased smile. Both were enjoying the show very much.
At the end of the performance the applause was overwhelming. Julian and Marsha had trouble reaching Martin, now surrounded by girls and his band mates. Ernie managed to shake his hand and pat his shoulder, then the fans claimed the frontman.
"It's your night, Martin!" Steve shouted. "Come and drink with us!"
Martin toasted to their success with a sip of his beer. He wasn't much of a drinker anyway.
Then his eyes fell on Ernie and Mary who were cuddling in a dark corner. In spite of the crowd and the fans, he spotted them and his smile vanished.
"Martin, where are you going?" Steve protested. He saw Martin's target and cursed under his breath.
Martin reached Ernie and Mary, and called his brother, startling both of them. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked.
"I didn't know how you would take it," Ernie answered, embarrassed.
"You were so good! Great show!" Mary added.
"Thanks." Martin lowered his eyes. "Is he better than me?" He had to ask her.
"He's less demanding," she answered.
"Right." He stared at his feet again. Of course, Ernie was younger. He wouldn't propose anytime soon. No commitment.
He turned to his brother again. "Good luck. May you succeed where I failed."
Ernie gulped and nodded.
Martin turned his back on them. He hurt everywhere. He thought he was free from his obsession, then he only had to see her again and it was worse than before. Maybe he'd never get rid of it.
He left the club and wandered in the night. Mary was still in his heart. His wonderful performance was forgotten. He could only think about Mary and how much she had hurt him.
He stopped and leaned on a wall as tears blurred his vision too much to keep walking.
"Martin." Steve stopped a few steps away. He had obviously followed him, but hesitated to come closer.
"Leave me alone!" he snapped.
Steve came forward anyway. "Don't treat me like an enemy, I'm your friend and I'm here to help," he chided putting a hand on Martin's shoulder and pretending not to see the tears.
"Nobody can help me," Martin whispered, closing his eyes. "I gave her all I could for one year and got nothing in return. And now she's with my brother."
Steve hesitated. "Martin, it's your night, don't let them ruin it for you! The world if full of girls, I thought you had forgotten that bitch!"
"So did I." Martin sniffled hopelessly.
"Martin..."
"Oh, Steve!" Martin moaned. "I want to die!"
Steve hugged him as he started sobbing on his friend's shoulder.
***
Martin entered the shop and spotted Ernie behind the counter.
"Hello," he greeted. "May I talk to you?"
Ernie hesitated and turned to his colleague. "Johnny, can you cover me?"
Martin and Ernie went out of the back door in the quiet of the alley.
Martin pursed his lips. "Are you happy?"
"Yes," Ernie answered, a little puzzled.
Martin half-smiled. "Sorry, I don't even know why I came," he grumbled. "I really wish you to tear down the wall Mary created around her, even if the thought itself makes me sick."
"I'm sorry, I can't help you," Ernie said. "I need her too."
"I know." Martin snorted, frustrated. "I didn't come to tell you to leave her. Only... don't get too involved or you'll end up like me."
"Sure."
"Sorry." Martin had a lump in his throat and couldn't keep talking.
He turned his back on Ernie and walked away, trying to stop his tears.
***
Ernie went to Mary's as soon as he finished his shift. She was in and stared with mild curiosity at his unusually serious expression.
"What's up?" she asked.
"I saw Martin today," he answered, taking her in his arms. "He's very depressed. Mary, why did you do this to him?"
"I didn't do anything." She freed herself from his embrace. "I never told him I loved him. He did it all by himself, I didn't promise anything."
You never told me you loved me either, he thought. He never knew what hid behind her silence. She passively accepted his passion and if he asked her to move in, she'd probably drop him like she had done with Martin. He should leave before the obsession grew too much.
"Mary, have you aver fallen in love?" he asked her back.
"No," she promptly answered, turning to face him again.
"Good-bye, then," he decided. "I don't want to end up like my brother for you."
"Fine." She leaned on the bookshelves, crossing her arms on her chest, a challenging look on her face.
Was she this cold and mean with Martin as well? he wondered, jarred. He thought about his brother's desperate face and felt relieved he had broken up with Mary. He went home earlier than usual.
"Back already?" His mother smiled at him from the kitchen.
"Hello, Ernie," his father greeted from the living room. Both looked more relaxed than usual.
Ernie went to his room and found Martin unpacking.
"Hi," he sai
d, startled. "Welcome back," he added, brightening. "I missed you!"
"Missed you too." Martin's smile was a pale reflection of his old grin.
"Martin, we've always been so close..." Ernie pursed his lips. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"No." Martin was quiet – too quiet. "You can live your love story and be happy."
"I split up with her. She wasn't worth the effort."
Martin stared at him for a moment, then lowered his eyes again, folding t-shirts in his drawer. Was it relief Ernie saw in his eyes? He didn't dare asking. They had been estranged for over a month and getting close again felt awkward. Too many words spoken or unspoken, too much anger and passion – and pain. Ernie understood why Martin didn't want to talk.
"Ernie." Martin closed his drawer and sat on his bed. "Do you still have those pics?"
"You know Mary has them," Ernie answered, lying on his own bed.
"Yes, but you made them, she has only the prints, right?"
"Martin, I don't think it's a good idea..."
"Give them to me. It's the only way I have to get rid of my obsession."
Ernie hesitated, then obeyed, wondering if it was really the right thing for his obsessed brother.
***
No passion, Martin thought observing the pictures. He had them printed bigger than usual and it was now obvious how things had been. I was the one conducting the game. She followed and never really returned anything. I've been dumb and blind – Mary never loved me.
He tried to remember something – anything, really! – that proved him wrong, but found nothing. She had never said "I love you" and maybe her silence, that had felt so precious, hid only indifference.
I've been such a fool, he thought, desperate. I gave myself for nothing. He ripped the pictures in anger and started sobbing.
Ernie woke him up, worried.
Martin was dazed, confused and aching physically and mentally. He had no idea when he had gone from tears to sleep, but he didn't feel any better. He clung to his brother to escape the need to kill himself.
***
"Martin, we have a show on Saturday, will you sing for us?" Steve asked.
Both were hiding their long hair under the fast-food baseball cap. Martin was cooking a hamburger, absentminded.
"No," he answered flatly.
"Why?" Steve insisted.
"I have no more music inside me," Martin said quietly – that same dangerous quiet that worried everyone.
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