Perhaps because we have been so far outside society, we tend to be very conscious of how it works. Addicts seem to have a nose for deceit. We have no time for people playing fast and loose with the truth, even if we struggle to consistently practice honesty ourselves. It’s our own struggle with honesty that makes the principle so important to us. We know how easy it is to let go of our integrity in favor of short-term gain, even when we know the consequences. We are acutely insightful about relationships between people and about the flow of money and power, and we know how to position ourselves to get what we want. So it’s no surprise that so many of us get caught up in chasing status, either inside or outside the fellowship.
We find freedom when we learn to be ourselves and support our own efforts. This is not just a financial issue. When we apply the Seventh Tradition to our own lives, we discover that we have some pretty twisted ideas about independence. On one hand, we may be fiercely aloof, unwilling to trust others or to risk getting too attached to anyone or anything. On the other hand, we may be accustomed to getting our needs met without having to take responsibility. Some of us feared independence in our active addiction, clinging to our partners or families for support. Being institutionalized led some of us to feel absolutely alone, but without any autonomy at all. “Getting out of prison was freedom,” said one member, “but it was also terrifying. I didn’t know how to live, and I wasn’t too sure I wanted to learn.” Learning to make decisions for ourselves also means accepting responsibility for those decisions.
Blaming others and harboring resentments can be a way to pretend we have no responsibility for the work we must do inside ourselves and out in the world. “I went to jail clean,” said a member. “I kept feeding my disease without drugs until I learned to apply the program to all areas of my life. Step Four began the demolition process that prepared me for society. I had to learn how to participate without being destructive.” Taking responsibility for ourselves is necessary for us to move forward, and it opens the door to the amends process. It is an amends to those who care for us that we are no longer a burden on them. It is an amends to society that we can give back. And it is an amends to ourselves when we practice self-determination, making our own way and our own choices.
One of the benefits of taking a personal inventory is that we don’t have to wait for someone else to tell us who we are or how we are. When we are willing to stand for our own dreams and beliefs, we are practicing a deeper kind of self-support. We develop the ability to choose what is right for us and to stand for it even when it’s not what others believe. We don’t have to be defensive to stand up for ourselves and our principles. With new perspective, we start to trust our recovery and our instincts. Addicts have really good instincts—and really bad impulses. Learning to recognize the difference takes time and practice. A sponsor and trusted friends can help us sort out the difference between our desires and our compulsions.
We may change because we choose to, or change may happen as a result of circumstances beyond our control. Our lives require ongoing maintenance, and our definitions of success change as life gives and takes. “I had success in all areas of my life. After a change in my career and a move to a new town, it was all gone—my success, self-esteem, even my joy in participation at NA meetings. I was an oldtimer and I didn’t know what to do. I began to understand that my recovery and self-worth were based in externals. When success and approval left, I collapsed. A new perspective and a walk through the steps from a different angle were necessary.” Comparing our current problems to the problems we had in active addiction can be a tactic we use to avoid dealing with them. We sometimes belittle the struggles we face as “gold-plated problems,” but if we ignore them we may get a “gold-plated” relapse. Ultimately, our success is measured not from the outside but from the inside. When we apply the principles in our lives we succeed in many ways, but most of all we become whole.
The idea of integration is closely linked to the spiritual principle of integrity. Integrity is unity within ourselves: We are the same person wherever we are. Our commitment to our values as we understand them is not based on convenience or circumstance. We don’t have to pretend to be someone else, or hold one side of ourselves to the light and hide the rest, in order to function or be accepted. Our comfort with ourselves is attractive. When we are practicing integrity, we can walk with dignity whether or not we find approval outside ourselves: We know who we are.
Freedom comes from discovering who we are inside. Recovering addicts are brilliant, creative, and compassionate people, whether we know it about ourselves or not. The steps help us to develop integrity, a realistic perspective on ourselves, a means to achieve self-acceptance, and a process to become acceptable to society. Many of us don’t feel like we are good enough for life in recovery, and we show it in the way we treat ourselves. When we practice respect and compassion for ourselves, our thoughts and feelings start to change. Self-acceptance frees us to take responsibility for our lives and to accept the gifts that are available to us. When we take the Serenity Prayer seriously and really consider what in our lives we do have the courage to change, we find that our ability to shape our lives is limited more by our willingness than by anything outside ourselves.
Stability
Like so many things we strive for in recovery, stability is an inside job. The feeling of stability starts from the knowledge that we are okay no matter what happens. It’s a sense of security and safety in our own lives. We may believe that this will be a result of achieving goals—like getting a house, a partner, a job, or some imagined amount of money. But when fear grips us, it doesn’t matter what we have or who we share it with. The security that we seek comes from peace within ourselves, a relationship with a Higher Power, and connection with others. Coming to believe that our life is really ours can take a long time.
For some of us, stability begins when we are willing to commit to a fixed address. We may begin with regular attendance at a home group and work our way up from there. Others of us come in with all the trappings of a normal life, but find that “trappings” are exactly what they are. We may need to break free from the ties that bind us to our old lives before we can be ourselves. Security, predictability, and a feeling of belonging allow us to change without feeling like we’re losing ourselves. A member shared: “When I was using, I always had a change of clothes in my purse because I never knew where I would wake up. After I got clean I started picking up more and more furniture until my house was overflowing. Later I realized I was taking on all this stuff to make sure it was hard to move. I didn’t really want more dishes; what I wanted was to know I was going to be somewhere for a while.” Serenity may be the presence of peace or the absence of chaos.
Many of us have gone through life by default, as if events simply happened to us. Our sense of ourselves was so distorted that we felt like we had no impact on the world. When we understand the First Step, we realize that “I’m powerless over everything” is a cop-out. We are powerless over our addiction, and we cannot turn back time. Beyond that, we may be amazed at the ability we have to make choices and shape our lives. Our relationship with the world is a reflection of our relationship with ourselves. We are open to new ideas, new ways of thinking, and new ways of seeing what we think we know. Trusting people who believe in us allows us to try new things even when they seem frightening, and to have faith that the changes we see are real.
Our sense of stability within ourselves allows us to take greater risks, whether that means being willing to pursue a new career or to put our hearts on the line with someone we love. When we learn to trust that stability, we can let go a little more. We no longer spend our days or nights worrying—or wishing—that it will all go away. “I’m so afraid to show up and grow up that I dream of running away, starting over, leaving it all behind.” We fear security because we don’t quite trust that we are capable of sustaining it. Staying with the process of our lives without creating upheaval and drama can be a new experience fo
r us.
Stability is important for us to thrive, but there is a difference between being stable and being stuck. It may be that we stop moving forward because we have arrived at a destination. Of course we want to enjoy the fruits of our labor, but we run the risk of enjoying that fruit until it rots. “When I got clean it was relatively easy for me to make the transition to a normal lifestyle,” said one member. “But fear of change kept me paralyzed there.” We have a hard time distinguishing between a niche and a ditch.
There are some signs that help us to distinguish serenity from complacency: When we get judgmental, ungrateful, and agitated, we’re probably on the wrong side of that line. When interacting with others starts to seem exhausting or burdensome, or we forget that we are important to others, we might be slipping back into self-obsession. When we’re feeling apathetic and ungrateful, we say we’re “bored.”
Boredom usually means we can’t see past ourselves. We get lost in pettiness and illusion. The world is as boring or exciting as we make it. A member shared, “When one day starts to run into another, it’s usually because I’m not living my beliefs.” When we revert to old behavior, we need to get back to basics. Cleantime does not exempt us from getting stuck. Sometimes a new perspective on our lives requires a new look at the steps. We may find that a better attitude is really all we need—or it may be time to make some changes in our lives.
We are able to recognize our responsibility for our actions and motives more often, and sooner in the process. Identifying what drives us helps us to find relief from all the ways the disease shows up in our lives. It also gives us the ability to move toward what we want, and not just away from what we fear.
We are free to create a life that we value. When we are collaborating with our Higher Power, action and surrender go hand in hand. We can spend a lot of time trying to convince our Higher Power how things should go. Each of us has had the experience of trying to will something into being and finding that the most bizarre obstacles arise until we finally understand that the best thing we can do is to let go. On the other hand, sometimes a challenge or commitment just keeps placing itself before us. No matter how hard we try not to do it, it seems unavoidable. When we surrender and try, we are astounded at what we can accomplish. The more completely we surrender, the more we are able to follow through on our commitments and shine.
Getting Out of Our Own Way
So much of our experience is a result of our perception. We may feel very grounded even though the outside circumstances of our lives are in flux. There are also times when everything looks fine, but we feel like we’re coming undone. We can come through letdowns and redirections and see that we are still succeeding and progressing in our lives. Or we can feel like a failure even when everything is actually going along just fine. Perhaps what we perceive as good or bad is simply an event. We make it good or bad by our attitude toward it and our response to it. We can turn a simple setback into a drama that lasts forever and is everyone else’s fault. We get through difficulty much more quickly if we simply accept it and keep moving. Letting go gets easier when we learn not to hold on so tightly.
It may be that the sky is not the limit for us. There may be limitations set by our lives or circumstances that make some of our choices for us. More often, we are held back by barriers we put in our own way. We get so accustomed to thinking of ourselves in particular ways that it’s hard to imagine otherwise. We can be brutal to ourselves. Giving ourselves a break is one of the most important skills we gain in recovery, and it is critical to our ability to change. It’s hard to learn something new if we can’t allow ourselves to be imperfect. Our shortcomings and defects keep us from being able to act in our own best interest. Some of the hardest things to get free of may be our own beliefs about ourselves and our limitations.
Obstacles give us a chance to examine our willingness. Some of us fight our way to a goal despite physical disabilities, criminal records, or other hurdles. The obstacles in our path can make us more committed to our goals. We find a way to do the impossible. At other times, barriers drive us to think creatively and to look in other directions for where we can best use our energies.
How often we succeed or fail is not the measure of our program. Our setbacks don’t have the power to define us. Failure is experience, strength, and hope in disguise. It is incredibly important to learn the difference between failing at something and “being a failure.” When we are honest, we begin to take responsibility for our part. Remorse can fuel a new willingness to change. Failure, just like success, has an important role to play in our lives, taking us places we would never choose to go. It can free us to pursue new things, and to seek even broader horizons.
Sometimes what we experience as failure is actually a redirection. We can get so focused that it takes a serious push to change our course. After getting through a hard time clean, a member said: “I needed to fail. I was completely out of control because I thought I was completely in control. I had confused outside success with internal growth in recovery.” We respond to our own fear by getting more controlling, and create more problems as a result. Often when we are deeply challenged in one area of our lives, other areas start to suffer. When things get difficult, it never seems like just one thing goes wrong. We start using old behaviors again, even though we know—or we once knew—that they don’t work. Unmanageability feeds on itself. A hard lesson in humility reminds us that we never graduate. When we stop practicing the basics, we are in trouble.
It takes courage to put ourselves on the line. If the risks we are taking are real, then certainly sometimes we will lose. If we don’t occasionally fall short, it probably means we are setting the bar too low. We learn through our mistakes, and the experience can strengthen our faith and resolve. Most importantly, we don’t have to do it alone. As we accept that we will be okay even when we are disappointed, we start to feel a little more comfortable with the idea of taking risks. We learn to listen to our instincts and start to move with the rhythm of our lives. We can respond to changes as they happen without being distracted by our desire to judge or explain them.
We set goals for ourselves and move toward them a day at a time, an inch at a time, knowing that when we’re doing the right things, the right things tend to happen—even if they’re not what we anticipate. We have a tendency to act as if our progress doesn’t count until we have arrived at our goals. Learning to keep going through setbacks or hard times allows us to continue moving forward even when things are not going our way.
Some of us never get where we meant to go, and it does not mean there is anything wrong with our recovery. We are not staying clean for the rewards; though staying clean can be very rewarding. Whatever gifts we do or do not receive, we do well to remember that there is nothing wrong today that a case of withdrawal won’t make worse. We all experience loss and hardship at some point in our recovery, and if we are not willing to accept that as part of the process, our desire for success can turn insidiously into a reservation. If we are ashamed by the difficulty we are going through or feel that we cannot be honest about our struggles, our relationship to the fellowship will suffer no matter how much cleantime we have.
Many of us have expectations that if we do our recovery right, there will be no difficulty or pain and we will get everything that we want. These expectations can be lethal. We may want to believe that if we work a good enough program we won’t ever lose, when in fact working a program helps us keep going no matter what. Some of us experience only small losses, while others endure tragedy—sometimes over and over. Moving forward isn’t easy, but it’s what we do. We can’t set limits or time frames around our feelings. “I needed to be brutally honest about how I felt,” said a member, “even when it made my stomach hurt. I was sad, angry, afraid, and jealous of others who had already succeeded.” We don’t need to be told how to experience our feelings, but it’s nice to know we are loved and supported through them. Once we go through a hard time clean, we know we can get through di
fficulty and be all right. We start to believe in our own resilience and to trust our recovery. We find faith and strength inside ourselves that cannot be taken away unless we give it away.
If we have a history of failure, it may be hard for us to believe that success is a possibility. Our past experience may not always be a good guide. Just as the Second Step taught us that insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results, sometimes we do different things and expect the same results. Even though we are not doing what we always did, we still expect to get what we always got. We learn that things really can change for us, if we are willing. If we want something we never had, we will need to try some things we have never tried, and have some faith.
When we change our actions, beliefs, and motives, our lives change—but not always the way we think they will. The open-mindedness we practice in our recovery gives us the ability to be flexible when things change in ways we hadn’t expected. “I’ve learned to be open-minded about all kinds of things,” said a member, “including what makes me happy.” We may be free a long time before we recognize it.
Living Clean Page 17
