by Elena Carter
“Nothing is wrong with you. It’s not about you. I mean … I know it sounds wrong. What I’m trying to say is it’s wrong, it’s sad, it’s not fair, but it’s not because of you.” Mike squeezed Tina’s hand lightly. “Do you understand?”
Tina used her free hand to pinch the bridge of her nose.
She nodded.
“I’m sorry, T. So sorry you had to go through this.” Mike shook his head.
“Every time I lose someone, I think … I hope that when the pain passes, when I get through that hell, I’ll become stronger. I’ll become immune to it. Bullshit. Hurts every time just as much.”
“You are strong. And you are becoming stronger. Now, it would be naive to think you’d become completely immune. That would mean having no feelings at all. But you’re still only human. Or at least so I think. Are you? After all your mysterious travels?” Mike smiled.
Tina chuckled softly. “I don’t know what I am anymore.”
“Sure you do. You’re the same old Tina. The girl with a thousand stories in her head. The girl who can’t live without coffee and believes all caves should be inhabited by dwarfs and all forests by elves. The girl who sees miracles in the most mundane of things. The girl who always wanted to travel the world and is brave enough to go even beyond its borders.”
“I’m not brave. I’m scared as hell.”
“Being brave isn’t about having no fears. It’s about going and doing it in spite of the fear. And that’s what you do.”
“I don’t know if I’ve got a choice.” Tina raised her shoulders. “Greg is out there somewhere. And now Alice is too.”
“The choice is yours. Look, when you take control of it, you’ll view it in a whole different way. Stop looking at it from the perspective of a victim. Okay, the door is open for you. But it’s up to you whether you take that step or turn around and go back. Or even just stay there and stare at the door. When you take control, it’s easier.” Mike paused for a moment. “I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m lecturing you. I’m just trying to help.”
“No, you’re right. I hear you. I understand.” Tina tilted her head to the side, looking somewhere through Mike. “I guess I’m hiding behind my fears. Looking for excuses, and pretending someone else is making me do things. So if something goes wrong, I can say it wasn’t my idea after all.” She smiled bitterly. “That’s a pretty pathetic thing to do.”
“What’s really pathetic is you always finding a way to be hard on yourself. This isn’t where I was leading, T. I was trying to help you shift your perspective. Look, I wouldn’t have a half of your courage. I’d be scared as hell if I were you and if I had to go places you go. I’d be trembling in the corner of my closet, curled up in a ball made of fear. You? You just go ahead and do it. I admire you, Tina. I respect you. And maybe even envy you a little bit.” He chuckled.
“What’s there to envy?” Tina arched her eyebrows.
“Well, let’s say, you get much more sleep than I do!” Mike laughed.
Tina couldn’t help joining him. “How do you do it, Mike? I’m already feeling better. Seriously.”
“It’s not me, it’s the wine. And now,” he paused, letting the waiter put the plates on the table, “you need to eat something. You promised. I can bore you with some more motivational speeches later.”
“Okay, okay …” Tina picked up the fork, then put it down and picked up the new glass of wine. “Cheers.”
“Cheers,” Mike echoed, sipping his wine. “I really want to help you, Tina. I hate seeing you suffer.” He paused for a moment and moved his plate closer to her. “Here, try this. You’ll love it. I promise.”
“What is it? Looks really strange.” She furrowed her brow.
“Roasted eggplant. Looks delicious. Tastes even better. Come on, seriously, try it. I bet it’ll be your favorite from now on.”
Mike put some salad on Tina’s plate, laughing as she rolled her eyes and made jokes about hoping to survive the new exotic dish that looked scarier than some of her nightmares.
Tina was feeling much better. She was enjoying the moment and managed to put the depressing thoughts aside, at least for a while. They finished their dinner and even ordered dessert—Tina let Mike pick again, and in the end, she had to admit she didn’t regret her decisions.
“You know what, from now on, I promise to trust you with anything regarding food. This was amazing. I wasn’t even sure I’d be able to make myself take a single bite of anything, but this turned into one of the best dinners I’ve ever had. Except maybe it was a little too much. I’m not sure I can move.” Tina pushed the empty plate away and reached for a napkin.
“Let’s check that. How about a walk along the Lion’s Bridge? We’ll get a couple coffees on the way, walk our dinners off, and chat some more.”
“Oh, I haven’t been there for ages. What a great idea. It’s beautiful in the evening, with all those lights.”
“Cool.” Mike raised his hand, calling the waiter. “It’s on me.” He shook his head when Tina reached for her purse. “Don’t argue.”
“Coffee’s on me then.”
“Deal.”
Half an hour later, after a stroll along the well-lit Lion’s Bridge, Mike and Tina stopped in the middle of it to look at the lights reflecting in the dark mirror of the water. The air was fresh and crispy. A light breeze was playing with the leaves of the tall maple trees in the park.
“I love reflections,” Tina said. “And I love this place. There’s something magical about it. Thank you for reminding me.”
“I know what you mean about magic. It looks and feels otherworldly. Well, you’re now a better specialist on that, though.” He winked.
“I wish I was …” Tina sighed. “I wish I knew what I was doing, or where I was going. I was hoping Alice would teach me.”
“Maybe she will. Listen, T, I know this might sound harsh, and I understand how you feel, but she didn’t die. She’s still out there, isn’t she? Am I right?”
“Yeah, I think she is. I just don’t know where.”
“But you can find her. Or she’ll find you. Instead of grieving as if you’re at her funeral, think about her being free and enjoying something she wanted. Because she wanted it. She planned it. She was hoping to succeed. So she must be happy. Be happy for her.”
Tina looked at the lights dancing on the black silk of the river. After a few moments of silence, she turned to Mike and said, “I guess you’re right. I just miss her. And I’m afraid I won’t see her again. But what worries me even more is that I haven’t seen Greg lately either. And I don’t know if I will. I don’t know where to look for him. He always used to find me.”
“I understand.” Mike reached out and put his hand on her shoulder. “I have a feeling you’ll see him soon.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Don’t know why, just a gut feeling. I’m also sure you’ll see Alice.”
“I hope so …”
“But here’s a question for you.”
“Yes?” Tina raised her eyebrows.
“If it wasn’t for Greg or Alice, what would be the reason? What’s your motivation to take that step through that open door when you don’t know where it leads or what’s waiting for you there?” Mike leaned on the railing of the bridge and tilted his head, looking at Tina.
Tina wrinkled her forehead.
“You know, I really need to think about that. I mean, it was always about Greg. And then Alice appeared … I don’t even know …”
“Okay, let’s put it this way. Imagine you were offered this opportunity a couple years ago.”
“You mean, when Greg was still here …”
“Yes. It would all happen differently, of course, but somehow, someone would’ve told you about all the worlds out there and that you can actually visit them. Would you do it?”
“I … I guess.’ I don’t know, Mike. I mean, yes, why wouldn’t I?” Tina rubbed her forehead.
“Why would you? What would you be looking for?”
Mike arched his eyebrows.
“Well, it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. To see what’s out there. To have proof that there’s much more than the world surrounding us and be able to actually explore those other places. It’s … fascinating. I always felt there had to be something else. Something bigger, something different.”
Mike grinned. “What changed? What’s stopping you from enjoying the opportunity now?”
“I don’t know.” She shook her head. “You’re right. It turned into a mission instead of being an exciting adventure. It’s just … Greg. It was like a promise. I was happy to see him. I thought it’d always be like that. Silly, I guess.”
“There’s nothing silly about it. Of course you were happy to see him. But I think you need to take a step back and look at it from a different angle. Both Greg and Alice—they’re your guides. Not your destination.”
“What is my destination?”
“That’s a question only you can answer, T. But I’m sure when you do figure it out, you’ll feel much better.”
Tina couldn’t sleep.
She tossed and turned in her bed as Mike’s words rang in her head.
He’s right. I have no idea where I’m going. No idea what my destination is. I’m hung up on finding Greg, and now Alice too. But what happens when I do find them?
She sat up on the bed and switched on the light.
I think that clarity I gained when I was with the Callimani is wearing off. Could really use some more now. Wouldn’t it be cool if I could decide where I end up next?
She reached for the glass of water on her nightstand.
What if I could? She took a sip. If I could control my dreams and decide where to go, would I choose a place I’ve already seen, or would I prefer something new?
It was a hard choice to make. As eager as Tina usually was for new experiences, she still liked going back once in a while to her favorite things in life—ones that were familiar. She did it with cities, restaurants, movies, and books. There were so many new unexplored alternatives out there, yet sometimes she felt like re-visiting the old-but-golds of life.
I’d love to go back to Callima. I could really use some of that light therapy right now. But I have no idea how. I don’t even know how to make myself sleep.
She got up and stretched. She definitely wasn’t going to sleep, she could feel that. So she needed to do something else.
Alice’s diary rested on the nightstand by the lamp. Tina looked at it and her heart sank again.
No, I don’t think I’m ready. I really want to read it, but it’s still so fresh. Every time I think of her, it hurts. Some other time …
She picked up her phone instead, switched off the lamp, and headed to the living room.
“If I can’t sleep, maybe I can do something useful at least.” She pulled out her chair and sat in front of her desk, opening the laptop.
Tina opened a new file in Word, stared at the blank page for a few minutes, then she took a deep breath and started typing.
Multiple worlds and infinite realities. Extraordinary, bright, and beautiful. Similar and different, with their own rules, laws, and timelines. Inhabited by fascinating creatures with magical powers.
They all exist.
They exist within the unlimited and unleashed imagination of your children.
Just like they did in yours—until you grew up and put chains on them. Locked them up and buried the key. Erased them from your memory. Since then, you stopped seeing them. You stopped believing in them.
But your kids still do. And they want to share stories about these worlds with you.
Why don’t we help them?
Here at the Hummingbird Art Center, sparking your children’s creativity is our mission.
Hummingbirds have been viewed as a powerful symbol, a good luck omen, and a messenger from heaven by many cultures. A Mojave legend tells of a time when people lived in an underground world of darkness. They sent a hummingbird up to look for light, and the little bird found a twisted path to the sunlit upper world, where we live now.
It is our greatest honor to serve as guides on your kids’ journeys to exploring their inner world.
Tina leaned back and looked at the text. She read through it again, frowning, and then shrugged.
Will do for now, I guess. As a rough draft. At least I wrote some ideas down. Need to text Kate tomorrow to discuss it.
She saved the document, then she opened the browser and searched for facts and myths about hummingbirds.
She skimmed through the Native American legends about hummingbirds that she’d read before, but one paragraph made her heart skip a beat.
The hummingbird symbolism in the Bible is connected to death, but not in a negative way. The tiny bird is seen as a messenger from the other side, bringing good news from the loved ones who passed.
The hummingbird sign from heaven comes to you when you mourn and feel lost. Hummingbird symbolism in death means the one who departed is happy now, and you should be too.
Tina read the paragraphs over and over again.
“And you should be too,” she murmured. “He is happy now. And I should be too.”
Tina gazed around the room, which was filled with warm yellow light emanating from two sphere-shaped lamps on both sides of a large bed. It looked like a hotel room, but it was a very homely one. Paintings hung on the walls, several candles were lit on the small coffee table by a large cushy armchair in the corner, and flower pots rested on the windowsill. The cityscape behind the window shimmered with a myriad of lights.
The room was rather spacious. Tina made a few steps on the soft gray carpet, the soles of her shoes sinking slightly into its pile. She wanted to see what book was lying on the coffee table next to the candles. As she drew closer to the table, the sweet scent of vanilla filled her nostrils. She picked up the book and read The Myths and Legends of Ancient Greece. A corner of a bookmark stuck out between the pages around halfway through the book.
Looks like someone was here recently. Or maybe even still is here, Tina thought, looking around again.
On the other side of the room, opposite the bed, Tina saw a large TV mounted on the wall, a dressing table with a mirror, and a door to what she assumed should be a bathroom.
I wonder if whoever is staying in this room is in the bathroom now. That’s a pretty awkward situation. What if they come out? But will they even see me? Maybe I’m a ghost here like I was in the foggy black-and-white world.
Tina knew it was a dream. But she had no idea what kind of a world it was and what she should expect. Being in a hotel room, which was obviously occupied, made her feel uncomfortable. She was sure someone was staying in the room. A denim jacket hung on the back of the chair in front of the dressing table. And the table had all kinds of personal belongings scattered across its surface—a handful of coins, a set of keys, a lip balm, and a tiny bottle of perfume.
Tina wasn’t sure what to do. She listened to check if the water was on in the bathroom, but couldn’t hear any sounds coming from there.
I think I should leave. Now. Before they come back.
As she was about to turn around and head to the door, Tina threw one last glance in the mirror in time to catch a glimpse of motion behind her.
She froze.
She couldn’t move as she watched a shadow slide down from underneath one of the paintings hanging above the bed. The gray stain changed its shape constantly as it landed on the bed and continued creeping toward Tina.
She still couldn’t make herself move when the shadow slid down the bed and onto the carpet. But, then, she realized she couldn’t run to the door because it would mean running straight toward Umbrus.
The name of the terrifying soul-hunter, albeit not pronounced out loud, rang in Tina’s head, triggering two somewhat conflicting feelings: an even stronger, almost immobilizing, fear, and a desire to survive no matter what.
Before she even realized what she was doing, Tina pushed down the handle of the bathro
om door, slipped into the room, and closed the door behind her.
Much to Tina’s surprise, the room she found herself in was not an ordinary hotel bathroom. There was a little swimming pool inside it.
Tina spotted another door at the far end of the spacious room. She sprinted toward it. When she was halfway there, she turned around to see what was happening behind her. The shadow slid onto the pristine floor tiles through the gap under the door.
“Shit!” Tina screamed. She turned and continued running to the other door. As she bumped into it with her whole body, she pushed down the handle and burst into the next room.
“No, no, no, please no!”
The room turned out to be a dimly lit sauna. A wave of heat threatened to throw Tina off her feet. She leaned against the door and struggled to focus her vision to see if there was another one. Something was telling her there should be one, and somehow she knew it was her only way to escape.
What else can I do? I’ll just keep running until, hopefully, someone saves me, she thought as she rubbed her eyes. She could hardly see anything because of the heat and poor lighting, but she decided to keep going.
She stretched her hands out and started walking. A few steps later, she hit a wall. Sweat dripped from her eyebrows. Tina closed her eyes and searched for a doorknob. She was trying hard not to panic and not to think of the shadow following her.
When she felt the smooth metal handle under her fingers, she sighed with relief and pushed it down.
The door led her into a wide, brightly lit hallway with shining marble walls. After the exhausting heat of the sauna, the hallway was pleasantly cool. Various statues were displayed along the white walls. They looked like Greek gods and goddesses.
As much as I’d love to look around, I’m afraid I can’t afford such luxury now, Tina thought. Catch your breath, Tina, and keep going.
She tried really hard not to let fear creep inside her. But she couldn’t resist it much longer. She knew she’d keep running as long as she could. And as long as there were doors.
