by Elena Carter
This is how it works—you want answers, and all you get is more questions. Life is not fair.
Her philosophical musings were interrupted by Natalie, who appeared in the doorway saying she was ready to go. Tina returned to the kitchen and put her empty cup in the sink, realizing she’d been holding it in her hands all that time.
“Are you all right, T? You look sad and confused?” Natalie’s voice brought her back to reality.
“Really? Nah, I’m okay. Just thinking about stuff.” Tina shrugged. “Never mind. Let’s go.”
“You sure? If you wanna talk about it, let me know, okay?”
“Yup.” Tina grabbed her purse and slid her phone in there. “I will, Nat. Thank you. But I’m okay, really. Don’t worry about me.” She gave Natalie a reassuring smile and opened the door. “Let’s go do something good and useful, shall we?”
The day had played out according to the plan. Tina was feeling tired, but happy.
They had checked on Mike, brought him some food and medicine, and Tina had promised to help him catch up on the work he’d missed.
Then they’d paid Emma a visit, brought her a box of chocolates, and stayed for a cup of tea and some stories from her younger years. Tina made a mental note to bring a pen and a notebook next time so she could write those stories down. She was thinking more and more of getting back into writing. She wasn’t sure what exactly triggered it—her mysterious travels and encounters in the other worlds, or the people she met in her own world like Alice and Kate and Emma. Maybe it was everything combined.
Maybe that’s my purpose, she’d thought as Emma poured more tea into their tiny cups of fine china, and Esmeralda purred in Natalie’s lap. To tell stories. Maybe that’s why I’m being shown all those things.
Later on, when they were at Alice’s place, Tina showed Natalie around the house as they watered the plants. She still hoped deep inside that Alice would materialize. Or maybe not materialize, but just return, walk through the front door, and say it was all a prank. But that didn’t happen.
I know she’s smiling, wherever she is. I’m sure she’s happy. And I have a feeling she’s watching me somehow to check I’m watering the flowers. So I did well.
When they returned home, Tina flopped onto the sofa with a sense of deep satisfaction and a glass of wine in her hands.
“This was one of my most productive days in ages,” she exclaimed, raising her glass.
“It was a great day, really.” Natalie sat next to her, sipping her wine. “I had a lot of fun.”
“Now, pizza, movie, and ice cream.” Tina reached for her phone to order pizza. “To make this day even more perfect.”
“Thank you, Tina,” Natalie said all of a sudden.
“For what? I haven’t even ordered yet.”
“For helping me go through this. It’s like I’m in a long dark hallway, and the walls are crumbling, but you’re holding my hand and leading me toward the light. Thank you.”
“Nat, you’ve led me out of such dark places, and you’ve picked up my pieces so many times, I’ve lost count. You know I’ll always be there for you, sis. And everything will be alright, you’ll see. It’s not that dark, really, you’re just afraid to open your eyes.” She winked and raised her glass again. “Here’s to the light at the end of the tunnel.”
“I’ll trust you. You’ve been very enlightened recently.” Natalie laughed. “How are you feeling about all this? I see you’re taking these experiences differently now. More like something within normal limits. Am I right?”
Tina nodded. “I guess you just get used to things. You know? What used to be strange and weird at some point becomes normal. I’m not saying it’s less fascinating. I just don’t freak out that much. I just wish …”
“You wish what?” Natalie raised her eyebrows.
“That I had more control. I want to be in the driver’s seat instead of being a passenger.”
Natalie nodded.
“But I don’t know who issues the driver’s licenses.” Tina chuckled. “Besides, there should be a test, I suppose.”
“You’ll find out, I’m sure. And you’ll pass it. I have no doubts about that.”
“Thanks, Nat.” The corners of Tina’s lips curved up.
“Here’s to your future achievements.” Natalie raised her glass.
“Cheers!” Tina took a sip of wine and picked up her phone again. “So, Pepperoni or BBQ chicken?”
Tina was looking at Alice’s house. There was something different about it, but she couldn’t figure it out straight away. She searched for hints as she studied the house and the area around it.
And then she saw the toys scattered across the lawn.
It’s the house I saw on the screen in my dream. But now I’m here.
She took a hesitant step toward the house, anticipating some kind of resistance again, but there wasn’t any. She walked over to the porch, picked up a little pink bike leaning against the step, and put it aside.
The porch was still full of pots with flowers, but there weren’t as many as there used to be in Alice’s house. Toys lay around, and plastic picnic dishes covered the little coffee table. There was orange juice left in some cups, and crumbs coated the plates.
Four cups and four plates, Tina counted. I guess she had company.
She felt like sitting down on the swing. In a couple minutes she would go and knock on the front door, and she had no idea what would happen. She just needed to sit down for a couple minutes and breathe.
The colorful mess of scattered toys was comforting. It was strange to see it on Alice’s porch and lawn, but at the same time it felt right. The atmosphere was different from Alice’s house in reality.
Reality … she caught herself thinking. What is reality, anyway?
The front door squeaked while opening. Tina jumped up from the swing. She recognized the younger version of Alice from the dream with the TV screen. A happy smile played on Alice’s lips.
“You made it!” Alice stepped forward and extended her arms for a hug.
“I guess I did.” Tina inhaled the floral scent of her perfume. Then she pulled back, parting from the hug. She held Alice at arm’s length and studied her. “Is it really you?”
“Of course it’s me, dear!” Alice’s familiar tinkling laughter was the best proof. “I just look much better, don’t I? But don’t let the looks fool you.”
“Oh, Alice!” Tina couldn’t hold back the tears. She hugged Alice tightly, not wanting to let go. “I’ve missed you so much. I was waiting for you, and I was looking for you. I didn’t know what to do.”
“I’m so sorry, dear! I’ve missed you too.” Tears glistened in Alice’s eyes. “You did find my letter, didn’t you?”
“I did. It broke my heart. I mean, I was glad to hear it was something you wanted. I was afraid something bad had happened to you. So it’s good to know that you are happy. You are happy, right?” She stepped back and looked at Alice inquisitively.
“I am. My dear Tina, I am sorry it hurt you. It was never my intention. And I miss you too. I wanted to have more time with you, but I had to take the chance. They don’t come that often.”
“Well, it’s all that matters then.” Tina wiped her tears and smiled. “Are you going to tell me what happened? And what are those rare chances you have to catch by their tails?”
“Let me clean up the mess we left here and bring you some fresh lemonade. And then we can sit on the porch and chat.”
She picked up the plates and cups and disappeared in the house for a couple minutes. Tina sat back on the swing. She wasn’t sure what she was feeling. She was happy and relieved, while at the same time empty and disconnected.
I guess it’s the shock. It’ll pass. I didn’t expect any of this, so I might need some time.
Alice came back with two tall glasses of freshly made mint lemonade, decorated by a slice of orange.
“Pick the color.”
“Huh?” Tina wrinkled her forehead.
“Oh dear. I am us
ed to doing it with the kids.” Alice laughed. “The color of the straw. It can be a very important choice to make, you know.”
Tina peered at the glasses. One straw was purple, and the other one was green. “Purple, please.”
“Good choice.” Alice nodded with a serious look on her face and handed her the glass. She sat down on a chair in front of the swing and raised her glass. “Finally we meet again. I am so proud of you. Here’s to you, my dear Tina.”
Tina clinked her glass against Alice’s and brought the straw to her lips. The lemonade was delicious and refreshing. Tina felt her normal emotions coming back slowly and gently. She couldn’t wait to hear Alice’s story; she was curious, happy to see her friend, and fascinated by the way she looked. And she didn’t want to cry anymore.
“Is this some kind of a magic potion?” She pointed at the drink.
“Maybe.” Alice tilted her head. “Things are a little bit different here. Not totally different, but still …”
“What is here? A parallel reality? A different world? A different time?”
“It’s hard to find a certain term for it.” Alice sighed. “Let’s say there are many realities, or versions of the reality we are familiar with. Unlike other worlds, they do have some links and connections to our reality and among themselves, but they are separate worlds.” She shrugged. “It’s hard to explain. But for convenience, let’s call all of them worlds—after all, that’s what they are.”
“I kind of understand. I think I’ve been to one of those recently. I was still Tina, but I was married to my best friend, and Greg, my husband, was his best friend, and we had a house. It was so complicated. Even thinking of it gives me a headache.”
Alice nodded. “Yes, it’s similar, I think. See, in that kind of world you are more likely to meet people from your world, and even be connected to them in different ways. They can be really tricky, those realities, because they are similar, yet different. Very often we play a part in their creation. It’s like a Universal Lego. We’re in this huge playground and we’re given a set of Lego bricks, and everyone builds what they want with the same bricks. Then the Universe makes its corrections like a loving granny, because we’re a bit too young to build big, stable, and solid worlds.”
Alice looked at the sky, her eyes widening. “Okay, I called the Universe a granny. What do you say, should we expect a tornado? Or a thunderstorm?”
Tina’s jaw dropped.
“I’m teasing, dear.” The familiar laughter tinkled like a hundred tiny crystal bells, making Tina relax.
“Are you serious about creating those worlds? We can create worlds?” Tina asked.
“Technically, yes. It’s not as easy as it may sound. And it doesn’t always work. But we contribute to the existence of many worlds without even being aware of it. You see, my dear, as I told you before, there aren’t that many lucky people who get to see these things, and to even know about them.”
“I really have seen some amazing places and people. I still get scared and confused sometimes. But I am starting to enjoy it.”
“Good.” Alice took a sip of her lemonade.
“But what about you? Are you still traveling around, but as a younger version of you? Or have you actually moved here? It’s confusing. What I understood from the letter was that you were not coming back to our world, right?” Tina felt her heart squeeze.
“I’ve actually moved here. You see, in this world, in this version of reality …” She paused, looking around. “It’s not about me being younger. I don’t really care how old I look. The only thing that matters is that my kids are here.”
“Your kids …?” Tina raised her eyebrows, biting her lip so she wouldn’t blurt out “But you don’t have any!” Because it was obvious now that Alice did. As least in that world.
“I’ve always wanted to be a mother. Since I was a little girl. I was sure I’d make a great one, too.” Alice shrugged and bit her lip. “But the Universe had different plans for me.”
“You couldn’t have kids?” Tina’s voice was filled with compassion.
“I think that would have been easier in a way.” Alice scoffed. “I had miscarriages. Three of them. Every one breaking me down so much I was near suicide. And then I’d pick myself up and try again. Only to lose my baby again. Three times, Tina. Three. Times.”
So much pain filled Alice’s voice. Tina froze and could hardly breathe. She felt tears streaming down her cheeks, and she wanted to get up and give Alice a hug, but it was hard to move. She physically felt her pain.
“I’m sorry.” Alice shook her head. “Dear, please have some lemonade. Since this is a freshly created world, some things get out of hand. Raw emotions, for instance. I didn’t mean to. Have a drink, it’ll ground you.”
Tina followed her advice, and took a sip of the refreshing drink that seemed to cool down the fire of emotions inside her immediately.
“I’m so sorry you had to go through that, Alice. I know what loss is. It’s hell. But yours was … were … I don’t even have words.” Tina shook her head.
“It took me years—years of therapy, working on myself, starting my life over again, traveling within and beyond our world—to become the version of me you met. A pretty happy version, wasn’t it?” She winked.
Tina nodded.
“But I never stopped thinking about them,” Alice continued. “I think what kept me going and what helped me stay sane was that I kept telling myself we’d be reunited one day, in another life, in another world. I had faith even before I learned these worlds not only exist, but are also being constantly created.”
“So you really created this reality?” Tina exclaimed.
“Well, it wasn’t just me. But I played a huge part. You see, my kids—their souls—wanted to be with me too.” A smile full of love lit her face. “The more creative energy different souls put into it, the more chances a new world has to appear. And there’s Emma, too.”
“Oh, that’s right. I saw her in the dream.”
“Not exactly. It wasn’t her you saw.”
“Huh?” Tina furrowed her brows.
“Hasn’t she told you that her and Cynthia were twins?”
“Oh, my God. That’s right! So Cynthia is alive in this reality and they are living here together.”
“And happily helping me with the kids.” Alice laughed.
“This is wonderful! Alice, you must be so happy. And I’m happy for you. To be honest, I feel a little embarrassed for being selfish.”
“Don’t be. You’re not selfish. It’s an absolutely natural reaction. I am sorry for leaving you. You are at the beginning of your journey, and you need help. While I was trying to get anchored in this place, I couldn’t even communicate with you, and I couldn’t travel much either. It was important for me to stick around to make this real, tangible. That’s why I had to physically move here. It was like laying a brick in the foundation I guess. I don't know how to explain.”
“I think I understand.”
“I think with time this world will grow stronger, and I will have more opportunities too. But I don’t know yet.” Alice shrugged.
“I want to do that.”
Alice coughed, choking on her lemonade. “You want to do what, dear?”
“I want to create a world, where Greg is alive and move there. To be with him.”
For a few moments, Alice gazed at Tina without saying a word.
She cleared her throat. “My dear, if I told you it’s not possible, that you can’t do it or you shouldn’t do it after telling you my story, I would be a hypocrite. And I have always hated hypocrites.”
Tina nodded, waiting for her to continue. She could sense there was a “but” coming.
“But I also have to be completely honest with you, and I will share my opinion, whether you like it or not.”
“Okay …”
“Tina, I have lived a long and interesting life. A very long one. And a tremendously interesting one. And in the end, I didn’t have too much
to lose. To sacrifice.”
“Neither do I.” Tina interrupted. She could see where it was going.
“I wouldn’t be so sure.”
“What do I have?”
“A whole life ahead of you. You are very young, Tina. You can still do so much. You can find your happiness and purpose. I know you are hurt—that you are broken—but you can be fixed. Trust me. You’re stronger than that. Don’t give up.”
Tina tried to blink her tears away. A lump in her throat wouldn’t let her talk.
“Tina, my dear, I know I risk ending up being hated by you, which is the last thing I want, believe me, because I care about you very much. But I have to say it. You really have to think hard before making a decision. It’s irreversible. You need to understand the consequences.”
“Is it possible? Technically?” Tina arched her eyebrows.
“Technically, yes. Is it simple? No. Are there guarantees it will work? None at all.”
“I don’t care about guarantees.”
“Don’t make hasty decisions.” Alice shook her head.
“I have got nothing to lose.”
“Is that really so, Tina? Are you telling me you won’t be missed? Are you telling me your absence will not affect anyone’s lives?” Alice tilted her head to the side, gazing at Tina.
Tina thought about Natalie and what she was going through. Then she thought about her two little daughters who called her Auntie Tina and loved making cute drawings for her. She would look at them and wonder if she would be a good mother like Natalie.
Then she thought about Mike. She remembered him driving the car and trying to distract her from painful memories when she was on the way to meet Kate.
Kate …
There was something about her, telling Tina they would become really good friends. And she was so happy and excited about the art center. She found strength to look forward instead of looking back. She found strength to let go. And to go on.
“I’m not that strong,” Tina said, responding more to her own thoughts than to Alice’s question.
“You are much stronger than you think,” Alice said. “Just promise me you will think about it. Please.”
