by Alexa Land
“Hi boys!” She grabbed her glasses off the counter and put them on so she could assess Kai, and exclaimed, “You’re a handsome one! Are you a gay homosexual?”
“A, um…what now?”
“That’s Nanaspeak for gay. She has her own unique spin on how to be politically correct,” I explained, then introduced Kai to Nana, Ollie, Mr. Mario, and the dogs. “The big one’s Tom Selleck, and the little one’s Diego Rivera. Tommy used to have a crush on me, but I’m pretty sure he and Diego are now in a committed relationship.”
Kai grinned at that, and I pointed across the room and introduced the teenagers at the table with Zachary. Then I said, “The brunet behind the camera is Trevor. He’s married to Vincent, the tall guy with glasses right beside him. Vincent is one of Nana’s grandsons.” They all exchanged greetings, and I asked the couple, “Where’s your son?”
“Josh and his friend Emma are out back, along with a few other people. They wanted to see how Skye’s sculpture is coming,” Trevor said as he adjusted the tripod.
“Do you have everything you need to begin filming, Nana?” I asked as I surveyed the ingredients lined up on the kitchen island. A large Styrofoam cooler was at one end, which I assumed contained the seafood.
Mr. Mario finished what he was doing, and Nana hopped off the barstool and adjusted the jacket of her pale yellow suit. We matched. She said, “We’re all set. Vinnie, will you call in everyone from the backyard? This is going to be our best episode yet, I can feel it!”
While her grandson did as she asked, I turned on the stage lights that had been installed over the kitchen island, preheated the oven and put a big pot of water on the stove to boil. I knew from experience that it was good to be as prepared as possible before the cameras started rolling.
“Can I help with anything?” Kai asked.
Nana told him, “Absolutely. You stay right up here with Jessie and me and give us a hand. We’ve got a lot of recipes to get through.”
“Oh. Okay.” Kai seemed nervous all of a sudden and re-tucked his black, long-sleeved T-shirt into his jeans before smoothing his hair.
“You look great,” I told him.
He said, “I’ve never been on TV before. What if I mess something up?”
“You have nothing to worry about. It’s pretty much the norm for things to go wrong on this show, so there’s absolutely no pressure. The show airs late at night on cable TV, and a lot of viewers turn it into a drinking game and do a shot whenever Nana drops the F-bomb. Since she does that a lot, the audience will probably be way too wasted to notice if you make a mistake.” He gave me a nervous smile and I squeezed his hand.
As everyone filtered in from the backyard, Chance came over to say hello, and I introduced him to Kai. My friend snapped a couple pictures of the ingredients on the counter with the big camera around his neck, and I asked, “Did Zachary tell you I want to buy some of the photos you posted on the internet the other day?”
“Yeah, but I’ll just give them to you,” Chance said. “I’ll email you a link so you can download high resolution copies of whatever you want.”
“But I want to buy them. You’re an amazing photographer, Chance, and you should be making money from it.”
“I appreciate the compliment, but I’m not going to charge you for some snapshots.”
“They’re not snapshots, and step one to becoming a professional photographer is actually accepting money for your photographs.” Chance looked like he wanted to argue, and I said, “I want to pick out ten photos, and I’ll pay you fifty dollars apiece for them.”
“Oh come on. That’s five hundred bucks!”
“That’s a fraction of what they’re worth. I wish I could afford to pay more.”
“No way,” Chance said. “Even five bucks apiece is too much.”
“How about if I give the money to your brother on your behalf?”
“You don’t have to.”
“But I want to,” I insisted.
“You’re very stubborn.”
“So are you!”
Chance sighed, and after a moment he grinned at me. “Fine, I’ll agree to five dollars each, and you can give the money to Colt. He’s been saving up for a game console, so he’ll be thrilled.”
I grabbed my wallet and pulled out fifty dollars, which I handed to Chance as I told him, “Speaking of Colt, it looks like he’s trying to flag you down.”
“Thanks. Be right back.”
When Chance crossed the room and gave the money to his ecstatic-looking brother, Kai asked, “What was that about?”
I lowered my voice and said, “I want to help my friend launch his photography career, but as you can probably tell from that conversation, he totally undervalues himself and his work. There’s a huge art show coming up that would be wonderful exposure, but he keeps making excuses for why he can’t be a part of it. I’m operating under the logic that if I buy some of his photos, then they’re my property and I can do whatever I want with them, including putting them in the show. I’m doing this behind his back, so he’ll probably be pretty mad at me. But if it ends up launching his career, I’ll gladly take the heat.”
Kai said, “You weren’t kidding when you told me you try to help your friends in any way you can.”
“I’d do anything for the people I care about.”
“He’s probably going to be pissed off that you’re doing this without his permission, but your heart’s in the right place and I hope he forgives you.”
“I hope so, too.”
Kai gently brushed my hair from my eyes, and as I looked up at him under the bright stage lights I took in every detail, from his long, black lashes, to the way his hair curled slightly at the ends, to the tiny scar above his left eyebrow. His dark eyes crinkled at the corners when he smiled at me, and I traced the curve of his upper lip with my fingertip. I forgot anyone else was in the room until Nana appeared beside us wearing a big chef’s hat and exclaimed, “You two are adorable together! I’m so happy you found yourself a fox, Jessie! You were single way too long. I was starting to think I needed to put up an ad for you on one of those dating sites. What’s that one called? Grind me?”
Kai and I stepped back from each other and I colored slightly as I tried to redirect Nana to the task at hand. She climbed up on her stepstool behind the kitchen island, and Mr. Mario picked up a camcorder while our audience settled in. I told Nana as I surveyed the bowls of ingredients, “I’m sorry I wasn’t around earlier to help with the grocery shopping and set-up.”
“Oh, that’s fine,” she said. “You were supposed to have today off, especially with all the extra time you put in this last week supervising Cockstock. I just called that new gourmet market over on Fillmore, and they delivered everything I needed. They even have a fresh seafood counter, so it was one-stop shopping.”
From behind the main camera, Trevor called, “Hang on, this battery’s low. I’m going to run out to my car and grab the second one.”
As he jogged out of the kitchen, I asked Nana, “Speaking of Cockstock, how much longer do you think you’re going to keep it up?”
“Good question. I think that fucker Humpington is getting used to it. He’s not turning red anymore when he drives past the house, and I’ve given up on getting an apology for tampering with my shit. Maybe it’s time for some kind of grand finale. We should do that tonight, I noticed he has company. If he’s hosting a boring little dinner party, let’s give him and his guests something to talk about.”
“Want me to see if a few more of the dancers can come in tonight?”
“Good idea, Jessie.” I pulled out my phone and sent a group text to every dancer who’d been working in shifts during Cockstock, and Nana said, “Send a message to my girlfriends, too. They’ll want to be here if this turns into a big go-go boy dance party.” I found the group entitled ‘Nanettes’ on my phone and sent them a text as well.
Nana yelled across the kitchen, “Mr. Mario, we’re going to wrap up the dickfest tonight, and we
want to go out with a bang. Will you see if your drag queen friends want to join us?”
He agreed enthusiastically, juggling the camcorder as he pulled out his phone. Mr. Mario speed-dialed a number, and when someone answered, I could hear pulsating dance music in the background, even from a few feet away. He had a quick conversation in Spanish, and when he hung up, he told Nana, “They are coming! We will, as you say, go out with the bang!”
“Mr. Mario,” I said, “I just realized I don’t know your drag name.”
“I am Carmen Gettit,” he said, “and the fellow I’ve been dating is Dixie Normous. You see why I asked him out.”
I grinned at that and turned to Kai. “I hope you can stick around after dinner. There’s every chance tonight’s going to snowball into quite the party.”
“Love to.” His eyes sparkled with amusement as he said, “You live in Oz. You know that, right?”
“I do.”
Trevor returned and switched out the battery, then asked, “You ready, Nana?”
“Let’s do this thing,” she said, rubbing her bony hands together.
Trevor clicked a button and called, “We’re rolling,” and the audience fell silent.
“We got a lot to do today,” Nana said, looking at the camera. “That’s why I got two assistants up here. You already know Jessie, and that sexy, dark haired boy next to him is Kai. I assume he and Jessie are ridin’ the baloney pony these days, but nobody tells me anything, so I gotta reach my own conclusions.” She turned to him and said, “Welcome to the show, Kai.”
He’d gone a bit deer-in-headlights, probably thanks to Nana’s sex euphemism, and stammered, “I, um…thanks.”
She turned back to the camera and said, “I got two courses planned out here for a nice seafood dinner. We’re gonna start with a beautiful crab cake appetizer, and then we’re gonna make some linguini and clams. Now, I only got thirty minutes, because the fuckers at the cable TV network won’t give me a whole hour, so we gotta get moving. Before we do any of that, though,” Nana said, “we’re gonna start with a cum shot. Help me out, Jessie.”
Now it was my turn to stammer. “We…what?”
She picked up a couple bottles of booze and told me, “Grab that tray on the counter behind us, the one that’s full of shot glasses. We’re gonna start off with a quick, easy cocktail. Kai, take these bottles and fill each of the glasses with equal parts butterscotch schnapps and Irish cream. Then top each one with a dollop of whipped cream. There’s one of those spray containers in the fridge. That’s all you need to make a cum shot, easy peasy.”
I brought over the glasses, and as Kai got to work I asked Nana, “Okay, what’s next?”
“I gotta get these appetizers going. It’s real simple to make crab cakes. Now look here.” She started pointing to bowls on the counter. “I got some crackers that I ground up in the food processor, they’re tastier than just using bread crumbs. I also got some eggs and mayo for binder, and a few veggies, nothing fancy, just a little finely chopped green onion and red bell pepper. Not everybody puts veggies in their crab cakes. If you don’t like it, leave it out! What the fuck do I care? You’re not gonna hurt my feelings if you don’t put ‘em in there. Jessie, start dumping everything into a big mixing bowl, will you? Oh, but first, slide that cooler down here.”
“Is this the crab meat, Nana?” I asked as I picked up the surprisingly heavy Styrofoam cooler and brought it to her.
“Yeah, I thought we should keep it on ice,” she said as I put the cooler down in front of her. “You can never be too careful when handling your meat.”
“Safety first,” I said with a grin.
She peeled off the packing tape holding the lid to the cooler as she explained, “I told the guy on the phone at the gourmet market to send enough crab to feed thirty people. This looks like an awful big cooler, but I’m guessing there’s a lot of ice in here to keep the crab meat fresh. I got this bowl here,” she said, sliding a large serving dish closer to her. “Let’s just dump everything out real careful-like, instead of trying to fish through a bunch of ice.”
Nana tossed the lid aside. The cooler was filled to the top with ice, and she and I tipped it over gingerly. At first, nothing but ice cubes fell into the bowl. “Fucker’s heavy,” she said. We tilted it just a little more, and all at once, a huge mass of live blue crabs fell onto the counter. A few landed on their backs, legs and claws waving in the air, and the rest started skittering in every direction. “Holy shit!” Nana yelled. “Look at all these fuckin’ crabs!”
Everyone in the kitchen jumped up and started talking at once as several crabs fell off the counter. It didn’t seem to harm the crustaceans in the slightest, and they darted off sideways across the floor. All the teens and Zachary climbed up on the kitchen table while Trevor and Vincent tried and failed to herd the crabs.
Meanwhile, Mr. Mario kept filming the whole spectacle like a reporter in a war zone, zooming in on Nana as she tried to keep a little crab with a cracked shell from falling off the counter. When it almost pinched her, she grabbed a thin knife with a wooden handle, held it by the blade and prodded the crab. “What are you doing, Nana?” I asked her, dancing around to avoid the crabs on the floor.
“I don’t want to stab the fucker, that’d be inhumane,” she said, poking it again with the handle. “I’m just trying to discourage it from jumpin’ off the counter and joining its comrades. We gotta keep this shit contained!” She poked it once more, and the crab grabbed the handle with one of its claws. Nana let go of the knife and yelled, “Sweet baby Jesus, the fucker’s armed!” The crab skittered sideways, waving the knife as it rushed across the kitchen island.
I turned to look at Kai. He held a crab in each hand and was right in the path of the armed crustacean. As soon as he and I made eye contact, we both burst out laughing. He hurried to the doorway and tried to keep the crabs in the kitchen by blocking them with his sneakers, but half a dozen or so were already dashing across the foyer.
Mr. Mario turned his attention to the crab with the knife, coming in for a tight shot with his camcorder. He climbed onto the island and leaned over to get a better angle, ignoring the other crabs around him. When one of them latched onto the front of his pants, Mr. Mario was up like a shot, yelling, “Madre de Dios, it’s got me by the cojones!” For some reason, he decided to run from the crab that had attached itself to his family jewels, and Kai stepped out of the way as he bolted from the kitchen and out the front door.
Nana and Ollie’s dogs dashed into the kitchen, alerted by all the commotion. They started barking excitedly, lunging at the crabs and jumping out of the way of their pinchers, and Ollie went into superhero mode. He dove into the fray and grabbed his Chihuahua with one hand, then plucked Nana off the stepstool in a fireman’s carry as he bellowed, “Tom Selleck! Come!” Surprisingly, the big mutt actually listened and followed Ollie as he bustled out the back door.
Mr. Mario had left the front door open as he retreated, and ten go-go boys in colorful briefs ran into the house to see what was going on. I gingerly grabbed a couple crabs by their shells, pointing the claws away from me, and noticed Trevor’s son Josh had taken over filming. He was standing on a chair and shaking with laughter as he panned the kitchen with his dad’s video camera. This episode of the cooking show was going to go viral, no question.
In all the mayhem, the Styrofoam cooler had cracked in two when it got dropped and stepped on, so I didn’t quite know what to do with the crabs I was holding. I tried putting them in the sink, but one climbed on top of the other and started to haul itself out. I picked them up again and thought for a moment, then told Kai, “Let’s put them in the bathtub.”
He and a long procession of go-go boys with crabs all rushed down the hall with me. I put the creatures in the big claw-foot tub in the mint green downstairs bathroom, plugged the drain and ran a shallow pool of cool water for them. The dancers added their crabs to the tub, and Vincent and Trevor followed. Trevor held one crab at arm’s length, and
his husband was reading from an invoice he must have found in the kitchen. “There are thirty crabs in all,” Vincent said. “How many do we have here?”
Kai counted and said, “Nineteen.”
“Oh man,” Josh exclaimed from behind the video camera, “Ocean’s Eleven are still on the lam.” The kid pushed his thick, black-framed glasses up the bridge of his nose and grinned.
Josh’s friend Emma, a pretty thirteen-year-old with glasses, appeared behind him with three crabs in an ice bucket and carefully slid them into the tub. “This is why I’m a vegetarian,” Josh said, shuddering a bit as his friend gently tugged a reluctant crab out of the bucket by one of its legs.
“This is fun,” Emma exclaimed, straightening up and swinging her long, brown hair behind her shoulder. “The crabs are finding all kinds of interesting hiding places, so it’s like a big game of hide and seek. Let’s go get Colt and Elijah off the table and find some more. Team Teen versus Team Go-Go Boy, whoever finds the most crabs wins!”
“Oh, it’s on,” a smiling, red-haired dancer named Patrick exclaimed, hiking up his tiny, neon-yellow briefs. He told his teammates, “Fan out, boys! Let’s go catch some crabs!” The kids and dancers hurried out of the bathroom with excited woops and yells while I washed my hands, which smelled decidedly crabby.
Kai washed his hands too, and then we sat on the edge of the tub and looked at the teeming crustaceans. “They’re kind of cute,” I said.
“Kind of.”
“I feel bad for them, all crammed in the cooler like that. They were in there a long time, too. I wonder if they’re hungry. I also wonder what the hell blue crabs eat.” I pulled out my phone and did a quick internet search, then said, “Oh, ew.”
“What is it?”
“Well, they eat clams, mussels, oysters and dead fish, but they’ll also eat smaller blue crabs.” I jumped up and said, “I’m going to get them something to eat before they go all Donner party in there.”
