Instead, I’m going to talk about the first boss you face in that game— the Whelk.
The Whelk is basically a giant magical snail. Kind of weird, I know, but it’s not exactly the weirdest enemy that’s ever appeared in a Final Fantasy game.
Anyway, the Whelk is the first boss you face in the game. He’s also the first puzzle. See, you can target either the Whelk’s head or his shell. If you target the head, you deal good damage. If you target his shell, he blasts your party with a high-damage lightning bolt.
But the Whelk has a trick. It will periodically pull its head inside its shell. If he pulls his head inside the shell, you need to hold your fire until the head reemerges or risk getting zapped to oblivion.
In other words, your fight with the Whelk quickly becomes a red light/green light kind of situation. When the Whelk’s head is poking out, you have a green light—time to attack. When his head is hidden in the shell, you have a red light—hold your fire!
At first, the Whelk seems like a formidable foe. But as soon as you figure out the pattern, it goes down easily.
The same thing is true of body language. Interpreting body language can seem like a daunting task. But as soon as you learn the red light/green light pattern that body language follows, it becomes easy to understand.
See, here’s the thing. There are tons of body language guides out there that claim to explain the meaning of every eyebrow wiggle and nose scratch. And while many of those guides are written by expert authors who know what they’re talking about, the simple fact is that it’s almost impossible for the average person to memorize hundreds of body language signals—let alone learn how to recognize and interpret them in a real conversation.
Yet, body language is critical for social success. By successfully reading body language, you are better able to tell what other people are thinking, better able to decide on the best way to interact with them, and better able to gauge how well you are performing socially. So you need some way to read body language in conversation.
The solution? Red light/green light (or if you prefer, “whelk shell” or “whelk head.”) Your goal is not to figure out every single nuance of body language. Instead, you just need to figure out if they other person is feeling mostly comfortable, or if they are feeling mostly uncomfortable. Again, it’s not important to figure out exactly what they’re feeling. You just need to know if there’s a problem, or if everything is okay.
In other words, you don’t need to learn how to recognize all of the individual meanings of each body language signal. Instead, you can just ask yourself, “Is this usually a good signal, or usually a bad signal?”
If the other person is giving off lots of signals that are usually bad, you can assume something is probably wrong and try to fix it (red light/whelk shell). If the other person is giving off lots of signals that are usually good, you can assume everything is probably okay, and then relax (green light/whelk head.)
As an example, let’s say you’re talking to a friend and your dog enters the room. If your friend starts to exhibit positive body language signals, you can assume they like dogs and everything is fine. If your friend’s body language doesn’t change, you can assume they don’t really care about dogs (and again, everything is fine.) If your friend’s body language becomes negative, it’s possible your friend is afraid of dogs or allergic to them. In that case, you should probably ask, “Would you like me to put the dog outside?” or take some other action to solve the problem.
Or imagine you ask your friend a personal question. If their body language is positive or neutral, you can assume that they don’t mind your question. But if their body language immediately becomes negative, you can assume they probably don’t want to answer such a personal question. Then you can use that assumption to guide your behavior as you immediately try to comfort them—for instance, by saying “I’m sorry, that was a really personal question. Please don’t answer if you feel uncomfortable.”
Of course, all of this begs the question “How do you recognize if body language is positive or negative?”
Well, the best way is to spend time with the body language books I mentioned earlier. But instead of trying to memorize the exact meaning of each body language signal, just try to remember if it is generally a good signal (communicating happiness and comfort) or a bad signal (communicating stress and unhappiness.) This will make it much easier to memorize.
If you don’t have the time to dive into the body language books, here’s two tips to get you started:
First, tension versus relaxation. A comfortable person will look relaxed – they will be sitting or standing in a comfortable way, they won’t demonstrate a lot of nervous energy, and their voice will be calm. An uncomfortable person will look tense and stressed—they might be pacing nervously, or rubbing their face, or demonstrating some tension in their voice.
Second, closeness versus distance. If a person feels comfortable with you, they will move to close the distance between you. They might walk closer to you, or they might turn to face you, or they might lean in if you are both sitting down. Conversely, a person who is uncomfortable will add distance by leaning back, turning away, or moving further away.
In other words, if a person is relaxed, facing you directly, and not too far away, you probably have a green light. If a person is tense, turning away from you or otherwise putting distance between the two of you, there might be a problem—and you should try to fix it.
Of course, body language is complex, and the meaning of body language can vary based on the situation. For instance, a person might appear tense when they talk to someone they are attracted to—so tension in that context wouldn’t be a bad thing at all. Or someone might move closer to someone else when arguing with them—which is a sign of hostility, not comfort. But these big ideas (tension vs relaxation, closeness vs distance) work pretty well as a rule of thumb for gauging if someone is comfortable or not. And as you continue to practice and study, you’ll get better and better at judging body language.
If you want some more specific tips, you can check out my free guide at ImproveYourSocialSkills.com/Body-Language. I also strongly recommend Joe Navarro’s book What Every BODY Is Saying. The good news is that you can start using the red light/green light technique right away, even without extra advice.
So to sum up: In order to read body language, just try to figure out if someone is mostly comfortable or mostly uncomfortable. If they’re comfortable, then great! If they’re uncomfortable, see if there is something you can do to fix it. To figure out if they’re comfortable or uncomfortable, gauge their level of relaxation, and gauge whether they’re moving closer to you or further away.
Quest 2.4 (Type: Daily)
Quest Objectives:
Watch a movie or TV show with the volume on mute. Youtube clips of people having conversations will also work.
As you watch, guess if the people you’re watching are comfortable or uncomfortable, based on their body language. Then rewind and watch again with the volume on so you can see if your guess was correct.
Do this once a day for a week.
Quest Description:
Make sure you pick a show where there is lots of conversation and emotion—reality TV shows might be good for this. 15 minutes per day or so is probably plenty. You’re not learning how to read every single piece of body language; you’re just getting a general sense of whether or not there’s a problem.
Quest Rewards:
Pick up on people’s reactions to the things you say and do
Notice problems quickly
Be kind of like a mind reader.
Side Quests:
Grab a book of body language signals (like “What Every BODY Is Saying.”) Flip through it and pick a handful of body language signals to memorize—being careful to memorize them as just “comfort” or “discomfort” instead of trying to remember exactly what they mean. (It’s okay to memorize exact meanings later if you want.) Then, try to recognize those specific signals n
ext time you watch TV or a movie.
Go to a mall food court or somewhere else where you can unobtrusively observe others interacting. Watch the people around you as they converse, and guess whether they are comfortable or uncomfortable based on their body language. Make sure you’re not staring!
Start to notice your own body language. Remember, your body language sends signals as well. So if you are demonstrating uncomfortable body language, you’re telling other people “something is wrong” or “stay away.” If those aren’t the signals you mean to send, try relaxing and giving more positive body language signals, and see what happens!
Multiplayer Level Five: PVP
World of Warcraft is a game built around violence.
It’s possible to spend many hours roleplaying in Goldshire or trading at the auction house, but when it comes right down to it, most people spend their time in WoW murdering monsters and battling other players in PVP.
After all, that’s the only way to proceed, right?
Well, not if you’re Noor the pacifist. Noor (named after Noor Inayat Khan, a pacifist who aided the French Resistance against the Nazis) was the first WoW character who made it all the way to max level without killing a single other character. While others have come after him, Noor was the first to accomplish this feat—and he did it earlier in WoW’s history, when it was much harder to level without combat.
Noor showed that it was possible to be peaceful in a game where everyone else was being violent. Easy, no. But possible, yes (and rewarding, too!) After all, in a game with 100 million other players, Noor is one of the few who have become famous.
Noor’s story shows an important truth about handling social conflict. When conflict starts, people often move immediately to a me-vs-you or us-vs-them mentality. The assumption is that the only way forward is to win while the other person loses.
When this happens, people start treating each other like enemies. Instead of calmly discussing the problem, they yell over each other. Instead of focusing on the issue at hand, they bring up past arguments, or make personal attacks. Usually when things devolve to this level, the problem never really gets solved—one person gives in to stop the fighting, but remains upset.
But there’s another way. You can choose the pacifist path when it comes to conflict. Instead of treating the other person like an enemy that you need to defeat, you can treat them the way that you’d want to be treated – with respect and kindness. You can avoid hurtful comments, and try to phrase your complaints in a respectful way. You can listen patiently to the other person’s position, and wait to disagree until you’re sure that you completely understand it. Most of all, you can work towards a mutually beneficial solution—where both of you win and nobody loses.
Being a pacifist is not the same as being passive. You don’t need to bottle up your feelings or agree with someone else when they say hurtful things about you. But you do need to stand up for yourself in a way that is calm and respectful, and you need to seek the good of everyone, not just yourself.
This “Noor the Pacifist” approach to interpersonal conflict is difficult to do. When you are upset or offended, it’s easy to lash out. And even if you do your best to try to resolve a conflict amicably, the other person might resist your efforts. So resolving conflicts peacefully is hard to do, and it doesn’t always work.
But when it does work, it’s awesome. You can save friendships, you can dispel negative feelings, and you can get a reputation as a peacemaker. Plus, it gets easier with practice—and getting you practice is what this quest is all about.
Quest 2.5 (Type: Collection)
Quest Objectives:
When in an argument, calmly work towards a solution where everyone feels satisfied.
Do this in three separate arguments.
If you end up losing your temper in an argument or failing to work towards a solution, sit down after the dust has settled and think through what happened. Make a plan for getting a better outcome next time.
Quest Description:
The next time you get into an argument, calmly work towards a solution where everyone feels satisfied.
Ok, I know. This is much easier said than done. But here are a few tips to get you started:
Avoid personal attacks and name-callings. Focus on the problem, not attacking the other person. For example, if you are upset with someone for always arriving late, say something like “It really messes with our plans when you arrive late” rather than “You are so lazy and rude!
Make sure you understand what the other person is saying before you respond. I recommend that you wait until they finish speaking (don’t interrupt), and then try to summarize their argument before you offer your own thoughts. If you don’t understand where they’re coming from, it’s impossible to figure out a solution that works for both of you.
Remember that the best solution is probably a compromise. Be creative and try to see if there are any ways that both people can get what they want.
These ideas are only a start. If you really want to improve your conflict resolution skills, I encourage you to read the book Crucial Conversations. You could also think about seeking therapy to help build your conflict resolution skills. Keep in mind though that this strategy only works if the other person is open to compromise—if they are just trying to antagonize you, then you should use the “turtling” strategy we cover in the next level.
Remember that you don’t need to be an expert to have good conflict resolution skills. The biggest difference is in your mindset. If you go into an argument determined to win, you will probably hurt the other person and cause them to resent you. If you go into an argument determined to restore peace and solve the problem in a way that works for everyone, you will probably end up at a great resolution.
This won’t be easy. But even if it doesn’t work, you’ll be glad you tried. So give it a shot!
Quest Rewards:
Resolve arguments peacefully
Avoid long conflicts and hard feelings
Don’t lose friendships over silly fights.
Side Quests:
Spend a few minutes thinking about the people you’ve hurt recently. If some names come to mind, give them a call or email and apologize. Even though they might have hurt you as well, take the high road and end the conflict.
Build your skill in handling conflicts. As I’ve mentioned, the best book for this is Crucial Conversations—it’s an easy read, and you’ll feel more confident even after the first few chapters.
If it’s very easy for you to become angry and “fly off the handle”, consider seeing a professional therapist. A good therapist can really help you manage your anger.
Multiplayer Level Six: Turtling
When I was in middle school, I discovered the original StarCraft and was immediately blown away. I didn’t particularly care about the strategic complexity of the game or the rich story—remember, I was in middle school!
Instead, I loved demolishing the computer. It felt great to build row after row of bunkers or proton cannons, and let the stupid AI waste its units rushing into my defenses. The strategy I used is called “turtling”, after a turtle hunkering down in its shell. As a kid though, I just called it “Mwahahaha!”
Of course, turtling is not as effective against human opponents. When you’re dependent on a row of fixed defenses, a clever opponent can easily go around, or destroy your defenses from long range. But as a kid playing against the computer, turtling made me invincible.
And as an adult, I found a social technique that protected me against harassment—which I also called turtling.
Here’s how it works.
Let’s say someone is trying to harass you. Maybe you’ve done something to irritate them, maybe they’re a bully, or maybe they’re just bored. But for whatever reason, they’re attempting to tease you, or perhaps they’re trying to pressure you into talking about a sensitive topic that you’d rather keep private.
That’s when you turtle.
Turtling, in this context, means that you stay calm and polite, and you give them the exact same answer every time until they go away.
For instance:
Them: “Hey, I heard that your girlfriend broke up with you. What happened—did she find someone better?
You: “You know, that’s really none of your business.” Them: “C’mon, I just want to know the story. What’s the big deal? Just tell me what happened.” You: “You know, that’s really none of your business.” Them: “Seriously dude? Stop being so uptight. Just tell me what happened.” You: “You know, that’s really none of your business.” Them: “Ok, whatever.” [Leaves]
See how this works? You stayed polite and calm, and you also stayed firm. You repeated the same phrase over and over, and this made it clear that you weren’t going to talk about the breakup. Eventually, they realized you weren’t going to budge, and they wandered off. This is turtling in a nutshell.
The key to turtling is to give them the same response every single time. Remember, generally when people are harassing you, they are looking for some kind of reaction. If they can see you getting emotional, or if you start giving them interesting answers, then they will keep harassing you. But if you give them the same response every single time, then you will quickly become boring to them and they’ll leave you alone. This works best if you keep your voice calm, but it will still work even if your tone betrays some stress. The important thing is to clearly show the other person that you won’t budge.
Level Up Your Social Life: The Gamer's Guide To Social Success Page 5
